When the Night Comes
by Drizl
Summary: Don't leave anything on your list Jasper. Live the life you want, not the one everyone expects. If you think about it, settling ain't really living. Can Jasper find the life he wants during the light of day or is it best left in the dark ExJ/SLASH/AU/AH
1. Chapter 1

**Er, for those of you who have read my stuff before well, we are venturing away from vamps and Bella/Edward. I'm heading into the world of Slashy boy love...this is my first attempt at slash so please be gentle and seriously, if this isn't your cup of tea, don't read it cuz there will be lemons and trashy talk. Consider yourself thoroughly warned so don't flame me out like it was some big surprise when the boy love comes...snicker...Oh, I'm still not Steph Meyer...just a durty girl who loves Jasper and Edward. This story will be entirely from Jasper's POV unless Edward smacks me on the head and demands to be heard. I will do my best to update weekly. My other two fics are coming to a close so it should be relatively easy to stand by my schedule. Now that all that crap is out of the way let's start this story. Read On...**

**

* * *

When the Night Comes **

**Chapter One**

**Present Day **

Something was buzzing in my ear.

"Shut the fuck up," I mumbled but the sound persisted.

"Answer your goddaman phone," someone muttered, elbowing me in my side.

I tried to get my eyes to open, but I was seriously hung over or maybe I was still drunk. I couldn't tell.

Christ I was sleeping on my phone. I peeled it off my face, squinting at the vibrating phone's screen. I didn't recognize the number, but it's not like I could see any of them clearly. They kept jumping around and jumbling together. It was making me a little fucking nauseous. I usually wouldn't answer but for some unknown reason, I felt like I needed to pick it up. It must have been all the fucking whiskey still in my system.

"Talk to me." My voice was raspy and thick with sleep. Maybe the person on the other line would realize it was fucking early and hang up.

"Jasper Hale?"

Fuck, I didn't recognize the voice.

"Uh, yeah, who's asking?" I groaned.

"It's Alice, Alice Brandon."

My eyes shot open and I sat straight up. The pounding in my head was insane, but I was wide awake now and I definitely should not have answered the phone.

"Uh, what's up?" I asked, trying to sound like it was no big deal that an ex-girlfriend from five fucking years ago was calling me.

To say I was a little confused would be a gross understatement. Alice was a part of a past I kept safely tucked away under several pounds of chain and locks. And even though we had patched things up, I hadn't spoken with her since I left Forks. It had just been too fucking hard for me.

"Jasper, you need to come home," Alice said. "Your mother is sick."

"Alice if this is a fucking joke, I'm not laughing."

She sighed. "It's not a joke, Jasper. Rosalie asked me to track you down and I..." her voice cracked and I heard her sniffle. "Jasper, your mother's really sick."

The pain in her voice came over the phone loud and clear. Alice was not fucking with me. All the air expelled from my lungs and I felt sick to my stomach. "Mama?"

I heard Alice take a deep breath. "She's not expected to make it through the week and she's been asking for her golden boy."

"I ain't no golden boy," I snapped. How could my mother still believe that shit. I'd given up that title long ago when my world collapsed in on me.

"Jeezus, Jasper, I'm not going to argue with you. I need to know where you are so I can make a plane reservation. Your mother wants to see you and if I have to come find you and haul your sorry ass back here, I will, so don't fucking push me, boy," Alice shouted.

"Yes ma'am." I knew enough not to fuck with her when she was angry.

I heard her take a deep breath, mumbling something about forgiveness and promising Rosalie she wouldn't yell. "Okay, that's better. Where are you Jasper?"

"Um, I'm in Chicago."

"I'll make the arrangements and call you back when I have the flight time. Don't fuck this up Jasper. This isn't something you can take back," she warned.

I swallowed hard. "Is Rosalie okay?"

"She's doing the best she can under the circumstances. I have to get your reservations set up. I'll call you back in a few minutes."

I sighed and hung up the phone. "Jesus Christ."

I knew mama had been sick, I just didn't know how bad. No that I was a lie, I knew it was bad I just couldn't deal with it. Lately I subscribed to the theory that if I didn't think about things, they didn't exist. Great way to live your life, but it was how I survived.

I groaned as I pulled my weary body out of the bed. I wasn't exactly sure where I was or who I was with. It didn't fucking matter, I just needed to get the hell out of here. I looked over at the sleeping form. Hmm, long wavy red hair, soft curves. Well, I'll be damned, it was a woman, not my usual late night foray, but...huh, I couldn't remember how I got here. I couldn't even remember her name.

It had been another long night of partying, ending with me in some stranger's bed. My life was so fucked up and things were about to get a lot worse. I had to go back to a little pissant town in Washington called Forks where my mother was dying, my sister and her husband were going to kill me unless my ex-girlfriend got hold of me first. I didn't even want to think what she was going to do to me. My hand automatically covered my junk. Given the chance Alice would probably rip my balls off for being a dumb ass. All this shit was supposed to stay in the past. I didn't want to face the demons. They were better off buried deep in my closet.

"Where the fuck are my pants," I grumbled, groping around in the dark room. The body in the bed, rolled over and moaned. "Thanks for all your fucking help," I snapped.

I needed to get a grip. It was not the fault of this nameless woman that my life was so screwed up. After I found all my clothing, I let myself out of her apartment, stumbling down the stairs and swearing that I would never do this shit again. Unfortunately, I didn't even believe that statement.

When I stepped outside, the cold winter air almost knocked me over. I pulled the collar of my black jacket up and shoved my hands into my pockets, trying to preserve what little body warmth I had left. The wind coming off the lake was hellacious today. I surveyed the landscape, recognizing that I was walking distance from my apartment. Maybe things weren't as bad as they seemed. I was kidding myself if I truly believed that shit.

My cell phone beeped again when I was walking into my apartment. My roommate was sprawled out on the couch. James looked about as good as I felt. Vague memories of last night wound through my head. I remembered going to a bar with James and somehow ending up on stage, playing guitar and singing. I reached into my pocket and found a business card. Obviously the bar manager had been impressed enough to give me his card. I still had no recollection of how I ended up in bed with that woman or what her name was. Fuck.

James groaned when my phone beeped again.

I quickly answered it. "Yep."

"Do you have a pen and paper," Alice asked.

I stumbled into the kitchen, sitting down at the table, grabbing an envelope and a pencil.

"I do now. Go ahead."

Alice gave me all the flight information, making me read it back to her twice before she was satisfied that I had actually written it down. My flight was leaving tomorrow at 5:30 in the fucking morning. I don't think I would forget that time. Five thirty a.m. was not a time I was readily familiar with unless I was stumbling home from a kick-ass party and because the flight left at 5:30 I would have to be at the airport by 4:30, at the latest.

"I'm not going to lecture you Jasper, but I think it would be nice if you didn't show up drunk, fucked up or hungover."

Well, shit how did she know about my party habits...damn Rosalie.

"Thanks for the advice Alice. I'll take it under advisement. Do I need to rent a car or will someone be there to pick me up?"

"Emmett will be there," she answered stoically.

There was a very awkward silence. I wanted to ask for details about Mama but I didn't want to keep Alice on the phone any longer than I had to. She sounded like she was holding everything in and eventually her anger would come spilling out and I didn't feel up to being on the receiving end of an Alice freakout. If Rosalie and her had been discussing my current station in life, I'm sure I was in for a wild confrontation when I got back to Forks.

"Jasper, for what it's worth, I am really sorry about your mother."

I cleared my throat, hoping to get rid of a very large lump that seemed to be forming. I blinked a few times. I was working hard to hold the tears at bay. I wasn't a cry baby, for fucks sake.

"Uh, yeah, and Alice, thank you for being there. I'm sure Rosalie is glad she isn't alone. Lord knows she hasn't been able to depend on me this past few years."

"Truer words were never spoken, but you weren't always like this. What happened to you Jasper? You can't still be hung up on..."

I cut her off with a loud growl.

"Look Alice, I do appreciate everything you've done for my family, but I'm not discussing my personal problems. I'm a fucking asshole and I don't deserve the time of day from any of you. I really can't understand why Mama even wants to see me..." I choked on those words.

"Christ, Jasper, she's your mother. She would love you no matter what," Alice said forcefully.

"Yeah, I'll bet," I mumbled. My mama didn't know me anymore and I don't think she would be too happy or pleased with what her son had become.

"Just get here Jasper. Okay? Maybe we can find some time to talk," Alice said. "I have to go. It's time for your mother's pain meds."

"Uh, okay, bye." I hung up and laid my head on the table. "Fuck."

I heard a grunt from the living room. "Jaz, ya cocksucker, is that you?"

"Yeah man, quit fucking yelling. My head is pounding."

James came stumbling into the kitchen.

"I thought you was having a party in here. Guess you were just talking to yourself," he snorted and lit up a joint, handing it to me when he was through with his hit. I thought about not taking a drag for about two seconds, but I figured what the fuck. It wasn't like my life was going to get any better if I didn't take a pull off this joint and if I smoked enough maybe I would be able to sleep.

"Ya know Jaz, I don't really believe you were talking to yourself. Are ya gonna tell me who the hell was on the phone," James asked.

"A ghost from my fucking past," I muttered. "I gotta go home tomorrow."

"Ya mean back to Texas?"

"I wish...naw, back to Forks," I sighed. "My mama's sick and they don't think she's gonna get better. She wants to see me and for the life of me, I can't figure out why."

"Does she know what a sorry ass you've become," he asked as he handed me back the joint. There was no malice intended from him, it was simply the truth.

I sucked hard on the joint, holding the smoke in as long as possible. "I suppose she's figured it out, but she still believes I'm her golden boy. She still holds on to a thread of hope that I'll be happy."

"You can be pretty golden if ya want," James said. "You were fucking golden last night when you were cranking out those tunes on that guitar."

"Fuck, what the hell happened last night? I barely remember singing."

"Fuck if I know. We did a lot of shots of tequila or maybe it was whiskey. You sang some fucking heart wrenching song that made all the chicks throw their fucking panties at you. You disappeared with some bitch and I ended up alone," James said. "Story of my fucking life."

"Heart wrenching song?"

"That's about the only thing I can fucking remember. After you had a few shots rolling through your blood, you started going all melancholy on everyone, whining about someone who broke your fucking heart. Before I knew it, you were jumping up on stage and stealing some dude's guitar. Let's see if I can remember some of the lyrics...um, oh yeah, it was really a chick song, dude. You had them eating out of your hands or maybe they were sucking your dick. Seriously, you should really consider adding it to your play list.

He waggled his eyebrows at me. "I bet the pretty boys would love it. It even made me swoon a little."

I snorted and rolled my eyes. James did not swoon. He was a rugged, good looking guy with short blonde hair and piercing grey eyes. He did not lean toward the feminine side.

He took another drag off the joint and started humming, eventually launching into some of the words.

_I hear words, in my sleep_

_Promises you made but never keep_

_Even in my dreams_

_I try to fight but I don't ever win. _

I was gripping the edge of the table so hard, my fingers were turning white.

I shuddered, holding my hands up like I was surrendering. "Enough, James. How the fuck can you remember the song but nothing else from last night?"

What the hell was I doing singing that god awful song? I hadn't sang that damn song for five years.

"Hey ya played _When the Night Comes_ too. You won't even let me have that on my fucking Ipod, ya bastard," he said.

"What the fuck. I must have been past drunk last night to be playing that shit," I groaned.

"Ya fucking sounded great though," he said.

I couldn't listen to this shit anymore.

"I gotta go pass out," I said, stumbling out of my chair. It was all too much. Mama's sick, Alice calling me, me singing that shit. My past was waking up and slapping me in the fucking face.

"_When the Night Comes_...fucking bastard," I growled under my breath.

"What ya mumbling about Jaz," James asked.

"Fucking demons," I muttered.

"Oh yeah, _When the Night Comes_..."

"Don't say it James. I don't want to think about that crap." I glared at him and put my hands over my ears.

"Sorry baby boy. I'm not gonna bring up that shit. You were the one who asked what happened last night. I'm just relaying what I remember and you singing those songs was part of last night," he sighed and focused on the wall.

"Sorry, I just don't know why the hell I would be singing that shit." I patted him on the shoulder. He closed his eyes and lolled his head to the side so his cheek was resting against my hand.

"So, ya want some company," James asked as he struggled to stand up. "Fuck it, too stoned. I can't even get out of the chair."

I laughed and dragged my sorry, stoned ass to my bedroom. I closed the shades, stripped down to my boxers, and burrowed under the blankets. I closed my eyes and the words from those stupid songs ran through my head. I wasn't stoned enough to handle those goddamn memories, so I pushed them away. They were not fucking welcome. I didn't want to remember. Thankfully, I passed the fuck out and sank into a weird dream filled with crappy visions of swirling copper and blazing green eyes... and...er, what the fuck?

A hazy, wet hot heat engulfed my body. I tried to open my eyes but the room swirled into a wild mess of colors. I couldn't decide if I was awake or dreaming, but since it felt so good I didn't give a damn.

"Mmmm." Someone moaned against my cock.

"Holy fuck," I shouted, sitting up in bed. I guess I wasn't dreaming after all when I looked down and saw a blond head bobbing up and down on my very hard dick. I groaned and flopped back down on the bed, letting my eyes roll to the back of my head. My hands gripped the sheets as I fought the urge to buck my hips up into his beautiful mouth.

His grey eyes searched out mine and when I looked at him, he smiled around my dick. He teased me by gripping my shaft harder and swirling his tongue around the dripping head of my dick.

"C'mon, fuck my mouth. I know ya wanna," James mumbled, still intently watching me.

I groaned and lifted my hips off the bed. James slid his hands under my ass, guiding my dick deeper into his mouth as he kept perfectly still. He winked and I started moving my hips, gently thrusting into his mouth. Fuck, I wasn't going to last much longer.

I felt James move his hand to my balls, rolling them through his fingers and then gently tugging on them. I grunted as I felt my muscles tensing and my balls tightening.

"J-J-Jamesss...gonna fucking cum," I warned. James pushed down on my hips, pinning me against the mattress. He flattened his tongue licking up the underside of my shaft before relaxing his throat and taking me all the way down until I felt the back of his throat. My release came fast and hard. James swallowed it all, sucking on me until the last of my spasms quit.

"Jesusfuckingchrist," I mumbled.

"Ya looked like ya needed a good suck off before ya face your demons," he said, grinning at me.

He crawled up next to me and placed a kiss on my cheek. I could feel his hard cock pressing up against my thigh. I reached down to help him out, but he scooted away from me.

"Naw, that was just for you, Jaz," he said as he stood up.

I let a long breath of air out. "Thanks, just put it on my tab," I said rolling over and going back to sleep.

The next time I woke it was around dinner time. I padded out to the kitchen to rummage around for some food. James left a note saying he was heading down to the bar and to call if I needed anything. James was a good guy. He had been my roommate for about a year. I guess you would categorize us as friends with benefits. We had tried to do the boyfriend thing, but it just didn't work. I didn't want anything serious and James understood after one drunken evening when I poured my guts out on the floor. He was a good listener and it felt nice to tell him the truth of why I was so fucking screwed up when it came to relationships.

I sighed and considered going to the bar, but Alice's warning shot into my head and my hand automatically cupped my balls. I was rather fond of the boys, so I decided it was a good decision to stay at home. I scrounged some food up and went to watch some TV. The Blackhawks were playing so I settled in to enjoy the game. After I ate, I dug around under the couch until my fingers came to rest on the edge of a cold metal tray.

I dragged it out and sitting in the middle of the tray were four sweet little joints. It was like he gift wrapped them for me. God, I fucking loved that guy.

"To you James," I said as I kissed the joint before lighting it up. Tomorrow at this time, I would be sitting in my grandmother's home saying goodbye to my mama. She was going to be so disappointed in me. I shouldn't go. She could remember me like I was, before my heart was shattered beyond repair and I ran screaming into the night.

I took another long hard drag, hoping the drug would make everything quit. I really didn't want to feel anything, but it didn't stop. I think the dope was making the memories come through in 3D at an Imax theater filled with dolby surround sound or whatever the fuck super sonic sound system they use now-a-days.

"Go away," I said to the ghost sitting by my shoulder. "I'm over you."

I sank down farther into the couch trying to hide from the memories. I glanced down at my lap, noticing my shirt riding up exposing the tattoo that sat just above my hip. I ran my finger over it, tracing the words I'm lost...

"I'm still lost, you son-of-a-bitch," I hissed. I didn't want to fucking remember that shit. No matter how hard I fought against it, it still hurt me. I clutched at my blond hair, tugging on it, hoping the pain would chase the demon ghost away, but I was out of luck tonight. The ghost grabbed my fucking hand and pulled me under, bringing me back to the start of my senior year at Forks fucking high school.

I thought I had banished that demon to the far recesses of my mind. Obviously, the asshole had escaped.

Goddammit, I really fucking hate that ghost.

* * *

**Okay talk to me...let me know if there is any interest in this story or should I stick with Bella/Edward? Questions for me? Ask away! Oh and the songs that are driving Jasper to the brink are When the Night Comes and Whispered Words (Pretty Lies) both by Dan Auerbach (the lead singer of the Black Keys) I'll answer this question right away...I know these songs are not five years old...they just fit with the story so I'm invoking my creative license and pretending the songs fit in the time frame. Just review so I know if there is any interest in this story. I'm outta here...Drizl **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello...Yep, I'm one day early posting this new chapter. I'm glad you made it back to this story cuz to tell ya the truth, I'm a little excited about this one. This is your friendly reminder that this story is rated M for Marvelously Mature Sexy Slashy Stuff (um, but not quite yet). Yep remember Slash is boy/boy loving, so if that isn't your cup of tea don't be reading this story. You have been warned. Oh and I couldn't remember if Jasper or Emmett's parents were ever named in the Twilight series and being a lazy h00r I didn't go look it up. I just made up some names for them. **

* * *

**When the Night Comes **

**Chapter Two **

**Five Years Ago...**

Mama called my twin sister Rosalie and I to come into the kitchen. For some odd reason, I remember how the heat of the day was sitting on my shoulders. The air was stagnant, like it knew something was going to happen. I cringed when Mama's voice rang out louder this time. Rosalie and I were hanging out on the porch complaining that the summer was almost over and we would soon be stuck in school which could be good or bad considering how one looked at things.

This would be our senior year and Rosalie and I had plans to rule the school. I mean that kinda sounded stupid because we did already, but this was it for us and we were going to do it right. It wasn't hard to figure out why people liked to be around us. Rosalie with her long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes with curves in all the right places. As for me, I knew I was pretty too. My wavy blond hair, the piercing blue eyes that could melt any woman and I was tall, with long lean muscles. Both Rosalie and I knew how to work our looks. We could get anything we wanted from anyone we wanted.

Besides our looks we were skilled in other areas as well. Yeah, it sounds fucking conceited but it was obvious that we had what most teenagers wanted. Rosalie was the head cheerleader and I was the starting quarterback for a very good football team. It was going to be a dream season for me. There was already talks of various scouts from the big colleges coming to watch me play. Maybe a scholarship would get locked down so I could get the hell out of this town.

Be careful what you wish for...

The moment I stepped into the kitchen, I felt the world shift beneath my feet and then it came crashing down on both of us when Mama told us we would be leaving Texas. Her mother was gravely ill and we were needed in some town called Forks. I barely knew my grandmother and I really didn't want to know her, especially not now. I had plans which did not include moving to Forks, Washington.

But the ball was already in full motion. Our transcripts were on the way to our new high school in Forks. I wanted to fucking puke. My life was here, not in Washington. What the fuck was Mama thinking? I didn't think she even liked her mother. They had been fighting for years. Me and Rosalie could stay here and finish school. It was only nine months, not even a complete year. I'm sure I could stay at a friend's house.

Both of us started to beg and plead our case. There had to be a way for us to stay, but Mama was not hearing our pleas. She told us that our place was with her. I silently cursed my father for fucking dying. Yeah, stupid I know, but I was desperate.

I thought my whole life was ending. The only bright spot in this whole fucking fiasco was that before we left, my girlfriend let me fuck her so many times, I was almost happy to be in that car driving away from the only home I'd every known. My fucking dick needed a break.

The drive was long and uneventful which allowed more time for me to wallow in my self pity.

We were less than one hundred miles from Forks when Mama's cell phone rang.

"Yes, yes, I understand. We'll be there in about an hour. Thank you," she said quietly. Her face was ashen as she snapped her phone shut.

"Mama," I said. "You okay?"

"Hmm, not really. Your grandmother has passed." Her voice sounded hollow and it made my chest hurt.

"So does this mean we can turn around and go back home," I said before I had to chance to think.

"Jasper, Forks is our home now," she snapped.

"But..."

"Jaz, shut up," Rosalie growled from the back seat.

I really didn't understand why the fuck we had to stay in Forks. I'm sure our house hadn't sold yet and the only reason we came here was to take care of my grandmother who obviously didn't need any care now that she was fucking dead. Call me heartless and selfish, but I did not want to live in a fucking strange town.

Mama sighed and leaned her head up against the window, staring off into the green dense forest. I kept my mouth closed for the rest of the trip until we passed the sign that welcomed us to Forks. I growled and immediately had the urge to burn the fucker to the ground.

Mama sighed and sat up, telling me where to turn to find my grandmother's house. I followed her directions and soon I was pulling our car into the driveway of a large two story house. It looked like something from Leave it to Beaver. I was pretty sure I was in hell.

I shut the engine off and stepped out into the damp drizzly air of Forks, Washington. I popped the trunk, grabbing a couple of suitcases and my guitar. God I hated the fucking rain.

Rosalie came around to the back of the car. "Jasper, quit being such an asshole. Can't you see Mama's upset. I mean this was her mother for chrissakes. She came here with hopes of making peace with her."

She slapped me upside the head, grabbed her suitcase and stomped up the steps to the porch. She dropped her bag and went to stand next to Mama who was staring at the front door.

Mama rattled the handle. "I don't have a key." She sounded sad and defeated and I could see the tears starting to form in her blue eyes. Rosalie was right, I was a fucking dickhead.

"Mama, you and Rosalie wait here, I'll go talk to the neighbors and see if they have a key or at least know someone who can get us one," I said.

I dumped my bags on the porch and was about to take off running to the nearest house when a lady ran up our driveway followed by a guy who looked to be around our age.

"Hello," the woman shouted, waving her hands. I backed up the steps so I was out of the rain. The woman bounded up the steps. "Hi, my name is Claire McCarty, your next door neighbor. I have a spare key to Mattie's house. I'm so sorry for your loss. You must be Mattie's daughter. She spoke of you often."

She held out her hand to Mama who took it and soon found herself in a tight embrace.

"My name is Susan Hale and these are my kids, Rosalie and Jasper," Mama said as they broke apart.

"This is my son Emmett," the woman said pointing to the big guy with dark short hair leaning against the porch railing. Like anyone could miss him.

He grinned and winked at Rosalie who I swear turned about ten different shades of red. I didn't even know my sister could blush. She had been known as the ice queen back in Texas. Okay, ice queen was a nice way of saying that Rosalie was a fucking bitch. No guy had ever broken through her icy exterior. She rarely showed emotion unless it was to bitch at me or some other unsuspecting soul.

For a moment I was fearful for Emmett. I was afraid Rosalie was going to hand him his balls, but she gave him a half smile as he approached her. My mouth fell open when Emmett leaned over, whispering something in her ear which made her giggle. Oh god, my sister was possessed. She never giggled. This was fucking disturbing.

Emmett laughed again, ruffling Rosalie's hair. I held my breath, because no one was ever allowed to muss her hair. I furrowed my brow, eyeing her suspiciously when she gave Emmett a wide smile and winked at him. I was absolutely sure she would attack him this time.

Jesus Christ, what the hell was going on with my sister? Emmett walked across the porch to join me.

"Hey man, Emmett McCarty. Welcome to fucking Forks," he said holding his hand out to me. We shook hands and he clapped me on the back. "So, you gonna be joining the football team? I heard you're one hell of a player and we could use a quarterback."

I was a little taken aback by his knowledge of my life. I eyed him suspiciously. "Uh, Jasper Hale. How the fuck did you know I play football?"

"Er, you've got to be kidding right...small town. New kids coming to town is big news here. Fresh meat and new gossip, ya know."

He glanced back over his shoulder, looking at Rosalie. I think he fucking sighed. Rosalie busted him staring at her and smiled shyly. What the fuck was up with that? It was like she was flirting with no hidden agenda. It made me nervous.

"Great," I mumbled.

"Hey, ya wanna go check out the town. I can take you and Rosalie around. Show ya the sights. It would kill about fifteen minutes," Emmett said, laughing.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I think we should hang out here for now, but maybe later."

I picked up the bags and my guitar, heading into the house. Emmett followed me, carrying Rosalie's bag. Mama and Claire McCarty were chatting in the entryway.

"Um, where should I put these bags," I asked. I didn't exactly know where our rooms would be. Hell I didn't even know if we would get a room. Maybe I would spend my senior year sleeping on a couch.

"Well, Jasper, you have your choice. There's a room in the basement or upstairs," Emmett's mom said. I glanced over at my mother who gave me a warm smile.

Emmett nudged me. "Take the basement, man."

"I think I'll take the basement." I figured the privacy would be nice and Rosalie would rather stay upstairs. Emmett got instructions where the other bags went as I tramped down the stairs.

"Holy shit," I exclaimed. The basement wasn't exactly what I would call a basement. The whole place was decorated like a fucking man cave.

"Holy fuck," Emmett said, interrupting my drooling. "This place is fucking awesome."

"You aren't kidding," I said. "I think you picked right!"

"Rosalie's room is really fucking sweet too, but this...I don't think there are words. I mean I've been down here before but your grandma really went all out."

I was busy wandering around the room, looking at all the sports pictures on the wall. My grandmother must have been a really cool old lady. I stopped when I came to a wall filled with pictures and clippings of me on the football field, running track and everything else I participated in.

"Fuck," Emmett grunted. "You must really be good."

"I suppose," I mumbled. Having your past accomplishments up on a wall was more than a little embarrassing, especially when I barely knew the guy.

Emmett sat down on the couch and turned on the big screen TV while I went into my actual bedroom. There was a huge king size bed, a couple of book shelves and a desk already equipped with a computer. I think I died and went to heaven. What the fuck was I saying? Just a few hours ago, I was pissing about coming to this place and all of a sudden I liked it here just because I had a cool room and I had met a pretty interesting guy. I wonder if the chicks were as nice?

"So, Emmett, any girls in this fucking lame ass town of yours?"

"Yeah, there's a few, plus Port Angeles is just down the road just in case you can't find anything here," he snickered. "I'm sure you'll have your pick."

"Jasper," Rosalie yelled from the top of the stairs. "Can I come down?"

I swear someone had possessed my sister. Since when did she ask for permission to do anything? She usually just donned high heels and walked over anyone in her path.

"Sure," I yelled.

She sashayed down the stairs, giving Emmett a warm smile before she gasped. "Holy shit, Jasper, this place is really fucking great."

"Wait, you're not freaking about not getting this room?"

"Dude, why would I do that? Clearly this space was meant to be yours," Rosalie said. "And, if you haven't noticed, I'm not a guy and besides mine is just as cool...and just like yours, it was done especially for me."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Did you just call me dude?"

She ignored my question. "Ya know, Jaz, maybe this place won't be so bad," she said, sitting down next to Emmett. Her leg was pressed up against his. She wasn't wasting anytime claiming him. In the next few minutes, she had already established that Emmett did not have a girlfriend and that he would be picking her up for school, even though school didn't start for three weeks.

I rolled my eyes. At least Rosalie would be comfortable here. I would be great if I didn't have to leave this basement, but Emmett already decided I would be trying out for football and tryouts were in a few days. He knew we would have to take care of things here, but he was willing to help with whatever we needed and he was willing to be a pack mule when the rest of our stuff arrived. The next few days were totally going to suck. Besides unpacking and getting settled, we also had to attend a funeral in three days. My mother would have to make peace with her past or at least I hoped she would be able to let the past go. Fuck, I was not looking forward to the next few days at all.

Emmett hung out for a couple more hours, before his mom dragged him home saying we needed a chance to get used to our new surroundings. I didn't think that would be possible. I found Mama upstairs going through some photo albums.

"Mama, can I ask you some questions?" I sat down next to her.

She sighed and ran a hand through my blond curls, moving them away from my eyes. "You want to know how your rooms were ready."

Rosalie came around the corner. "Yes, Mother, care to explain?"

"Well, after your granddad passed, your grandmother had hopes that we would move here. She's had these rooms ready for two years," Mama sighed, running her fingers through her blonde hair.

"I always thought she was trying to control my life. We fought constantly about my choices and I couldn't take it, so I stayed in Texas to spite her I guess.

"It would have been much easier for us to move here after I lost your father. Well, for me anyway. I wouldn't have had to work so much, but I knew you kids really liked your school and your friends and now I've ripped the rug out from under you both by bringing you to Forks." She sighed heavily.

"Mama, you don't have to worry, both Jasper and I will be fine here," Rosalie said wrapping her arms around my mother's shoulders. She sat down on the other side of her and the two of them started looking at the photo albums my mother had laid out all over the table.

I wasn't sold on Forks but I kept my mouth shut. The dark circles under Mama's eyes spoke volumes. She had too much on her plate already. She didn't need to deal with her selfish son.

We spent the next two hours getting to know our grandmother through photos and stories. It was hard to listen to my mother tell of the fighting and the bad feelings she had harbored for all these years.

"None of it was worth it," she said as she shut the last album. "Both of us were stupid and stubborn and now I can't take any of it back because she died before I could say I was sorry."

Mama ran her hands over the photo album. Her chest heaved and I could almost feel the pain in her heart.

Rosalie placed her hand on top of Mama's. "Did Grandma know we were coming?"

My mother hesitated. "Yes."

"Then she knew you were reaching out to her," Rosalie said firmly.

"Perhaps you are right. Just promise me that you two will not hold grudges. The regret is not worth it. Forgiveness is easier," she sighed and stood up. "It's late and I'm tired."

"Night Mama," I said hugging her. "I'm sorry for being such as ass."

"Jasper, I know you didn't mean it. You'll always be my sweet golden boy."

I rolled my eyes. I hated that nickname. I always felt like I had something to live up to and I wasn't quite sure what it was.

Rosalie and I watched Mama slowly shuffle down the hall to her bedroom. She looked older, more worn down than I had ever seen her. It was painful to witness how sad my mother truly was.

Rosalie looked at me, sighing heavily. "I'm going to bed. The next few days are going to suck."

She disappeared and I headed down to the basement.

Rosalie had been right, the next few days did totally suck. People kept dropping by the house, offering their condolences and since we were new in the community, we were sort of a curiosity as well. We also had enough food to feed the county for the next three months.

We had to make arrangements for the funeral and burial. Everyone seemed to want something from Mama. Rosalie was getting good at running interference, shielding Mama from some of the shit. I just wanted to punch someone or yell at them to get the fuck away from us. We were doing the best we could.

The day of the funeral finally arrived and I was standing outside the church waiting for Rosalie and Mama to get out of the car. Everything was a blur until we were all back outside visiting with people. Emmett came up behind Rosalie, winding his arms around her waist. I kept waiting for Rosalie to break his arm or something, but she never did and I was sort of happy to see a familiar face even though he was molesting my sister.

"Can you guys leave yet," he asked, nuzzling his nose against Rosalie's neck

"Could you quit mauling my sister?" I snorted.

"What? Oh, sorry," Emmett said sheepishly, releasing Rosalie. She glared at me.

"So, do you think you can leave," Emmett asked again.

"Naw, we've got to go out to the cemetery for the burial," I said sincerely wishing we could escape. I was tired of being on display.

Rosalie sighed and leaned back into Emmett. He gently placed his hand under her elbow, making her sigh. It was subtle but looked so intimate that it made me feel like an intruder. My face flushed and I had to turn away from them.

My eyes scanned the crowd. I wasn't sure what I was looking for but my eyes came to rest on a tall, lanky guy quickly approaching us. The sunlight filtered through the trees highlighting his messy copper hair and his fair skin almost seemed to sparkle when the sun hit it. Intense green eyes met mine, staring at me, making me feel a little uncomfortable. A crooked grin slid into place and everything got a little warmer.

"Hi," he said casually when he was within a few steps of me. "I'm Edward Cullen. You must be Jasper Hale."

He extended his hand to me and somehow I managed to grasp hold. The minute our hands met a jolt ran up my arm, spreading through my entire body including my dick. I jerked my hand away from him, quickly adjusting my jacket so no one would notice the semi I was now sporting.

Fucking hell what was that? My eyes darted around to see if anyone else had noticed my not-so-subtle jacket shifting. It was nothing, goddammit, nothing.

"Uh, yeah, I'm Jasper Hale," I said, keeping my eyes on the ground.

"Sorry for your loss," he said quietly.

"Uh, right. Thanks."

"I heard you play football," he said.

"Jeez, what the fuck. Does everyone in this town know my business?"

"Yeah pretty much," he chuckled. "You're gonna try out for the team."

It didn't sound like a question; it was more like a statement of fact.

"I haven't really decided," I muttered, finally deciding it was safe to look at him.

He snorted and quirked an eyebrow at me.

"What the fuck, Hale? If you're half as good as they are saying...well, shit...we need you..._I_ fucking need you. Our current quarterback can't find an open receiver to save his fucking life."

"Why, specifically, do _you _need me," I grumbled. Who the fuck did this guy think he was anyway?

"Number one wide receiver," he said giving me another crooked grin. My eyes went straight to his red lips.

Jesus, my fucking semi was turning into a full-blown raging hard-on. What the fuck was going on? I needed to get the hell away from this guy. He was fucking with my head and apparently my dick.

Someone put a hand on my shoulder and I about jumped out of my dress pants. "I see you've met Edward Cullen."

"Uh, yeah I guess."

Emmett stepped out from behind me and punched Edward in the arm. "Hey Cullen, you been giving Jaz a hard time?"

"Naw, just trying to convince the boy that he is needed on our football team," Edward smirked.

"Oh don't worry. I'll be dragging his sweet ass to the first day of practice," Emmett said. "Hey, I've got a great idea. I'm hitting the gym tomorrow. I'm gonna pick you and Edward up tomorrow at nine o'clock. You can dazzle us with your physical abilities."

I was about to tell both of them to get bent, but Rosalie came up behind me, whispering in my ear that it was time to go. Edward and Emmett nodded at me. Rosalie pushed me over to the car and I somehow managed to get in. I groaned when I sat down, reaching down to carefully adjust my package without anyone noticing.

I leaned back against the seat, squeezing my eyes shut. I wanted to scream. Had a guy just caused me to sport a semi. A fucking guy? No way, it must be the stress and I haven't had any relief since we got to Forks. That must be it. I mean I go from fucking a chick like ten times a day for two weeks to absolutely nothing. My dick was just letting me know he wasn't happy. Tonight I would rub one out and tomorrow I was going to make Emmett show me the sights and the girls of this godforsaken town.

* * *

**Um, okay chapter 2 is in the archives...I know kinda boring but we need a little back story before we get into the thick of things and believe me, they will get thick...And now the begging will begin...please review, rec the story, favorite it, add it to your alerts or just keep reading...okay done whining...Until next week...I'm out...Drizl **


	3. Chapter 3

**Back again...Glad to see some peeps are reading this story. Sorry I didn't respond to reviews but I've been writing like a crazy person...too many stories going at once...Yeah, I'm sure ya all like to hear me whine...Guess what? I'm not Steph Meyer (I don't think she would let our boys have this much fun) Story is rated M for a reason number one is I don't write anything but M...And it's a Slashy Boy lovin' Story...Still interested...Well okay then, let's read...**

**

* * *

When the Night Comes**

**Chapter Three **

_I leaned back against the seat, squeezing my eyes shut. I wanted to scream. Had a guy just caused me to sport a semi. A fucking guy? No way, it must be the stress and I haven't had any relief since we got to Forks. That must be it. I mean I go from fucking a chick like ten times a day for two weeks to absolutely nothing. My dick was just letting me know he wasn't happy. Tonight I would rub one out and tomorrow I was going to make Emmett show me the sights and the girls of this godforsaken town._

**Five Years Ago**

**Senior Year Forks High **

And rub one out I did, three times, just to make sure Edward Cullen was out of my mind. All three times, I jerked off thinking about my girlfriend in Texas. I told myself it was okay to think about green eyes, because hers had been hazel. It had been a disturbing day and I finally exhausted myself both physically and emotionally. I fell into dreamless sleep until someone came into my room and ruined a perfectly fine sleep.

"Hey!"

Who the hell was yelling? As if the yelling wasn't bad enough they started fucking kicking my bed. It had been a long three days and I wanted to sleep late.

"Rosalie, get the fuck out of my room," I hissed and rolled over, making sure I pulled the blanket over my head.

"Wake up!"

The voice was starting to piss me off. For some reason, Rosalie's voice sounded really low. I wonder if she had a sore throat.

"Fuck off Rosalie," I growled.

A hand pulled the blanket off my head. Warm breath washed over my neck, tickling my ear and making all the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up. "It's not Rosalie, love."

My eyes popped open when I realized it definitely wasn't my sister.

"Jeezus, fuck," I shouted, grabbing the blankets and pulling them up to my chin as piercing emerald eyes stared at me. Freaking Edward Cullen was hovering too close to me.

"Relax, Jaz, looks like you forgot about going to the gym this morning," Edward said, sitting down next to me. He was much too calm for me.

"What? Oh fuck, right the gym," I groaned hoping he would move the fuck away from me. He fucking smelled...what the fuck? Who gives a shit how he smells.

"Where's Emmett?" I asked quickly.

"Accosting your sister, so that left me to get your sorry ass out of bed," he said tugging on my blankets. I kept a firm grip on them hoping to will my morning wood away. He shook his head. He took a moment and let his eyes run around my room, until the came to rest on my guitar case leaning up against the wall. He got up and moved over to the case. He ran his hand down the side, making it look like he was caressing a beautiful woman. For some reason it made my cock twitch. Not helping with the wood problem.

"Do you play," he asked.

I cleared my throat. "Uh, yeah."

"Any good?"

"Good enough," I answered.

"Would you play for me sometime," he asked turning to me. Those green eyes were boring into my head again.

"Uh, sure," I said breaking away from his stare. "Er, give me a minute. I'll just throw some sweats on and we can get moving."

I kept my eyes on the carpet because I didn't trust myself to look at him again. My morning wood was barely under control and I didn't want to risk it springing up again. I slammed the door to my bathroom, letting out a long breath. I hadn't even realized I had stopped breathing. What the hell was this guy doing to me?

"Get a grip Hale," I muttered.

I shook it off. It was morning. That _guy _was doing nothing to me. I had probably been dreaming about some hot chick sucking me off when he disturbed my sleep. I was just a little disoriented and he had been too close to me, blowing in my ear and shit. Yeah, it was no big deal, just an extension of my dreamworld.

I stared a the reflection in the mirror. I ran my fingers through my unruly blond locks and quickly brushed my teeth. There was no time for anything else except pulling on a pair of sweat pants, a t-shirt and a baseball hat. There was going to be no other weirdness today. I was going to the gym to work-out with a couple of new friends.

"What the hell are you doing in there, Hale? You fucking better not be jacking off! Let's go," Edward shouted through the door.

I shook my head and came out of the bathroom. Edward laughed and placed his hand on the small of my back. The heat from his hand created that same feeling I had when we shook hands. An electrical pulse shot up my spine, making me squirm to get away from his touch. I bolted up the stairs. Edward laughed, chasing after me.

Emmett was waiting for us by the front door with a huge grin on his face. I looked around for Rosalie but she was no where to be found. Emmett's grin made me wonder if my sister had put it there. This day was starting out freaking weird. I decided it was best to just ignore everything that had already happened. I was going to pretend that my day was beginning now and I was going to start it by wiping that unsettling look off Emmett's face.

"What the fuck is your problem McCarty?" I asked.

"Huh," he grunted. His eyes were still glazed over.

"Can we just go already," Edward whined, waving his hand in front of Emmett's face.

"Right," Emmett said as he snapped out of his daze.

I didn't want to know. It was best not to know anything. For now, I would bury my head in the sand and not ask Emmet any questions. I would however, grill Rosalie the next time I saw her, uh maybe.

Emmett walked toward his truck but Edward motioned for me to get into his car. He drove a sweet little silver Volvo. It definitely wasn't the car I would have picked out, but to each his own. What could I say, at least he had a fucking car.

"I might have to bug out early so I'm gonna drive my jeep," Emmett said as he slammed the door.

Edward winked at me. "That's Emmett-speak for I'm leaving early because I want to do unspeakable things to your sister."

I groaned and climbed into Edward's car.

"Emmett's a good guy," Edward said patting me on the shoulder. I sighed and wished Edward would quit touching me. It was almost as bad as thinking about Emmett with my sister.

"Pick something to listen to," Edward said flipping me his Ipod.

I flashed through some of the songs until I came to a song called _When the Night Comes. _

"Nice choice, man," Edward said.

"I really like the Black Keys. Isn't this the lead singer?"

Edward nodded. We rode in silence to the school. I found myself getting lost in the music that was winding through the car. It was easy for me to do. I liked to pick apart the melody and words. This one would be an easy one for me to learn. I could add it to my ever growing song catalogue.

"I have the sheet music," Edwards said as he turned the car off.

"Huh?"

"I have the music for this song."

"You serious?"

"Yeah, I'll get you a copy." He smiled at me and jammed his car keys into his pocket. "If you play it for me."

"Okay, uh yeah...Hey do you play?" Now I was curious, because why else would he have sheet music.

"A little. I'm a much better piano player though."

"Hmm, your hands look suited for the piano."

He looked at me out of the corner of his eyes.

"I mean, ya know, long fingers," I muttered, dropping my head down so my curls fell over my eyes.

"Jeesuz, Hale, get a fucking grip," I mumbled...and stop looking at his hands. That's just fucking creepy.

Emmett banged on the window, startling us, but thankfully, saving me from this awkward moment. Edward was going to think I was a freak. Maybe all the moisture in the air was drowning my once vibrant and vital brain. I was losing IQ points by the minute.

"C'mon let's hit the gym," Edward said. He jumped from the car and headed across the parking lot. Apparently our strange conversation didn't seem to bother him.

Forks High had a decent weight room. I groaned when Emmett actually whipped out a workout schedule detailing all the lifts and reps we should do today. Edward leaned over and told me to ignore the big guy. Emmett tended to get carried away when it came to his work-outs. We were not required to follow his insanity. I laughed and let myself relax.

We spent the next hour lifting weights and getting to know each other. Emmett was incredibly strong making me decide that he must be a decent offensive linesman. Maybe I would have a little more protection than I had last year. I had to do a lot of scrambling because our offensive line wasn't quite up to par. I decided to ignore the glances and the not so subtle stolen touches from Edward. They meant nothing. My imagination was just running wild. Besides Emmett didn't seem to see anything out of the ordinary about Edward.

Emmett was also incredibly funny and he got off on giving Edward shit. It made the time go quickly and the work-out didn't seem quite so hard. Maybe playing football for Forks High wouldn't be such a bad thing.

"Erm, I have to split," Emmett stated as he dropped a couple dumbbells to the ground. "You guys should go toss the ball around."

"Hey yeah, I think I'd like to see what that arm of yours is really like," Edward said. He flexed his biceps and I found my eyes curiously tracing the lines of the well-defined muscles in his arms.

"What the fuck," I hissed. I needed to break away from his arms. Maybe there was something in the water that was making me fucking crazy. Edward tugged on my sleeve and I had no choice but to follow him out to the football field.

So this was it. My new home field. There was nothing special about it. It was a normal high school football field equipped with goal post, white yard lines, a scoreboard and metal bleachers.

"Something wrong Hale," Edward mused. "You look a little nervous."

"You wish," I teased. "I promise I won't throw the ball too hard. Wouldn't want to hurt the pianist's hands."

"Don't worry about my fucking hands, ya cocky son-of-a bitch," he growled.

After that it was on. We ran out onto the football field and I started tossing the ball to him. Soon he was running some simple patterns and I was launching balls all over the field. The fucker was fast and I had to admit, he had really good hands. After a bit, Edward caught one of my passes and came barreling down the field, heading right at me. I couldn't back down from a challenge so I steeled myself to tackle him or crash to my ass trying.

He tried to sidestep me and deek me out, but I didn't fall for it. I wrapped my arms around him and proceeded to bring his ass to the wet hard ground.

"Ha, fuck you Cullen," I said poking him in the chest as I rolled off him.

He grabbed me, straddled my waist and pinned my arms to the ground. He started laughing and sat up, holding his arms up in mock surrender. He skin was flushed and sweaty. His green eyes were glowing and I was more than flustered.

"Fucking A, Hale, they weren't lying when they said you were fucking good. If anything you're better than they said."

He stilled and everything around us got incredibly quiet. His green eyes met mine and a flash of heat ran through my body. His hand started moving to my face. I was losing myself in the pools of those intense green eyes. The weight of his body on mine was disturbingly pleasant.

Someone coughed, breaking the spell of whatever the fuck was going on.

Edward lightly slapped me on the cheek, breaking out in laughter.

"I was just trying to teach Jaz here a lesson."

Whatever, Cullen, I saw him tackle you. This boy has moves," Emmett chuckled and pushed Edward off of me. Emmett extended his hand to me and pulled me back to my feet.

Emmett chuckled again. "That tackle was great Jaz. Not many people can wrap this boy up in the open field."

"Pfft, he's not so great," I said.

Edward snorted and rolled his eyes, quickly popping up to his feet.

"Em, what are you doing back here," Edward asked. He sounded a little annoyed.

"Oh, well, Rosalie and I are going out later, so I thought I'd come hang with you guys until then. I think we should give Jasper the grand tour of Forks after you both shower."

"What the hell, I don't have anything better to do," Edward said as he casually laid his arm over my shoulders. I decided to ignore the hot trail of fire racing down my spine by telling myself it was the stress of the workout. Maybe I had tweaked a muscle from the weight lifting or all the balls I had thrown. It had been a couple weeks since I had seriously worked out.

We walked back to the school and all the while Edward stayed glued to my side. It was oddly comfortable.

Since I didn't have any clean clothes with me, Emmett decided to drive me back to my house and Edward was going to run home and meet us back at my place when he was done showering.

I crawled in Emmett's jeep and decided not beat around the bush when I asked about Rosalie. I knew she could handle herself, but I needed Emmett to know that I was watching her back.

"So, do I need to give you a beat down for fucking around with my sister," I asked Emmett.

"Naw, she's a sweet girl. I promise I'll treat her right. She's gonna be the one to break my heart," Emmett said.

Definitely not the answer I was expecting. Did he just call Rosalie sweet? I wouldn't kill him just yet, but if Rosalie ever said the word...

It didn't take long to get back to my house. Man, it was weird to think of that place as my house, but I suppose that's exactly what it was now. We were not going back to Texas.

"Make yourself at home," I said as I tossed him the TV remote. He settled into the couch and started flipping channels.

I got cleaned up and joined Emmett on the couch. I was going to grill him about Edward. I needed to find out what this guy was all about, but I needed to do it in a way that he didn't think I was asking about him.

"So, I'm not gonna ask anymore questions about you and Rosalie..but I was wondering er..."

Fuck I couldn't ask about Edward so I changed the subject to football. Emmett filled me in on the team and then launched into the inner workings of Forks High. Hidden inside this conversation I was able to find out that Edward was dating some chick named Bella Swan. I didn't know whether I was relieved or jealous. I decided to settle on neither. I couldn't care less who Edward was banging. I shook the mental image out of my head.

Edward showed up a few minutes later and we headed out to take a tour of this wonderful town called Forks. It really did only take fifteen minutes.

**Present Day**

My head snapped up off the kitchen table when the alarm on my phone went off. I had been dreaming about that fucking hell hole and now it was time for me to go to the airport. I gathered up my shit trying to occupy my mind with something else besides Forks. I had managed to lock that fucking place out of my mind for almost five years and now it was rearing its ugly head again. I really didn't know if I had the strength to face my demons. I had an awful feeling that the minute I stepped off the plane, I would be sucked back into the abyss of Forks, overwhelmed by all the memories.

I couldn't _not_ go. I had to see Mama. Alice was right, this was something I couldn't take back. I would never forgive myself if I didn't say goodbye. It was something I would regret for the rest of my life. If I held my breath and closed my eyes maybe I could keep the past from flaring up and scorching me.

For all I knew, he was gone. He had to be gone. Why would someone like him stay in Forks? I never asked any questions, because I really didn't want to hear the answers. Just after I left Forks, Mama had tried to relay a couple messages from Edward but I told her I had no interest in hearing them. She never said anything. I often wondered if she knew about us, but she never let on if she did.

"Fuck."

I scribbled a note for James, leaving my flight information and telling him I would call him when I got the chance. I grabbed my bags, shutting off the light as I left. A strange cold feeling swept through me as I closed the apartment door. I shuddered and tried to shove it back in the locked trunk where it belonged.

"I'm over you! Stay the fuck away from me."

Thankfully, no one was in the hall to witness me muttering to myself. I knew I was fucking nuts, but I didn't need the outside world to see my breakdown.

* * *

**Okay so we're moving right along with the story. I hope everyone is able to follow the jumping from present day to senior year in high school and back again...Thanks again to everyone who posted a review. Let me know what ya think...and don't worry the um, action will be starting soon...cuz why else would ya be reading...I know it's the reason I read M fics...snicker...Until next week...I'm out...Drizl **


	4. Chapter 4

**It's Smutty Sunday already...Good to see more people hooking up with this story...It's an interesting write since I've never written Slash before...Do I have to remind everyone that I'm definitely NOT S. Meyer and that this story is rated M cuz well, I like to write smutty love stuff. Now that we have that cleared up let's see what our boys are up to in this chapter...**

**

* * *

**

**When the Night Comes**

**Chapter 4**

**Present Day **

The fucking airport was a goddamn nightmare. The airlines had overbooked the flight and were scrambling to throw people off the plane. I ignored everyone and ordered a drink. I know Alice had warned me not to show up drunk, but my nerves were already frazzled and I needed something to calm me down. I don't think anyone would be impressed if I lit up a joint and I really didn't feel like being hauled off to jail, so a drink would have to do. It occurred to me that this would be an easy way for me to get out of the fight. I could just blame the airlines, but a small voice in the back of my stupid brain kept insisting I just get the whole thing over with. I was trying not to be a coward.

After thirty minutes of shifting people in and out of the plane we were ready for take-off. I was doused with a case of extreme anxiety.

"Are you okay," a lady sitting next to me asked.

"Sorry?" I wasn't sure if she was addressing me. I gulped my drink and handed it to the flight attendant as he walked by us.

"You don't look so good," the lady said. She patted my hand. I closed my eyes and swallowed back another lump that was forming in my throat.

"I'm fine," I said stiffly. I didn't want to be rude, but I didn't feel like discussing all my problems with a complete stranger.

"Sometimes it helps to talk about things," she said softly.

I sighed. "I doubt that very much," I breathed out and then I remembered I still knew how to be polite. "Uh, thank you though."

"Well, if you feel like talking, I'm here," she said and patted my hand again. I gave her a weak smile and shoved my ear buds into my ears, turning on my Ipod as soon as the Captain turned the seat belt sign off.

For awhile I was able to hide in the songs and not think about anything. A new one I had just downloaded blasted into my head and unwanted thoughts of him invaded my brain.

Fuck! I ripped the buds out and shut the music off, signaling the flight attendant for another drink. One more would be okay. The first one didn't do much to ease my nerves. I tried to sip the next drink but ended up gulping it down like a thirsty man in the desert. I sighed.

"My mother is ill," I said quietly.

I wasn't sure if the lady even heard me.

"Is that the only thing," she asked.

Was this lady clairvoyant or something?

"No," I said angrily. "I may have to face some demons."

I wasn't quite sure why I kept speaking to this woman. Maybe it was because she had a kind grandmotherly face or maybe I was just losing my shit.

"It's okay to be angry, but eventually it's best to forgive and let it go. Anger is too much work and it has a habit of taking over one's life if we let it."

I chuckled and relaxed just a bit. "You sound like my mama," I said.

"She must be a very wise woman."

"I haven't seen her for five years and now I'm going back to say goodbye. Ya know I think if they came around offering parachutes, I'd take one."

"Things are never as bad as we make them out to be," she said stoically.

I let out a long breath of air. "This is pretty bad."

"You seem like a strong young man, I'm sure you'll get through it." She smiled and caught the eye of the flight attendant, motioning to my empty glass. I had another drink in my hand in a couple of minutes.

"I'm not that strong. I'm fucking, er sorry, I ran away instead of staying to fight. I didn't have anything left so I gave up."

"Honey we all run away from things sometimes. The important thing is you're going back to face them," she said.

"I'm not so sure about that. If I have my way, I'll be in and out without anyone even realizing I was there."

"You sound like you want to live in the shadows. That's not good. We all have one life...unless you believe in reincarnation then you get a few more shots. Personally I never understood that. I certainly don't want to come back as a beetle or some shit like that..."

I couldn't help myself. I laughed because hearing the word shit come out of this woman's mouth was funny. Maybe it was because she reminded me of my fourth grade teacher and if Mrs. Hendrickson had ever uttered a swear word I believe the world would have ended. I grinned at her and she continued with her speech.

"For most of us, this is it...it's not fun to live in fear or have regrets hanging over our heads," she sighed. "I lost someone I deeply cared for five years ago. I didn't think I could go on living, but then one day I woke up. I realized my life was a gift and it was my job to live it the best way I knew how and hiding away in the dark was not working for me. I'm running in the light now, living each day like it was my last and I'm having a fucking blast," she smirked at me. "I may be a little older than you, but I still know how to curse."

I smiled at her. "Thanks for the advice."

"Advice is easy to give. The hard part is acting on it."

I sighed and closed my eyes, leaning back into the seat. As I was putting my earbuds back in I swear I heard the lady whisper something that sounded like be golden. I felt a shiver run down my spine.

When the plane touched down my leg was bouncing all over the place and I was tempted to ask to flight attendant for a quick shot of their strongest liquor. The lady next to me placed her hand on my knee, stopping it from bouncing around.

"You will be fine," she said firmly.

I tried to believe her, but my mouth was dry and I was feeling sick to my stomach. I pulled down my carry-on and trudged off the plane. I could feel the dread growing in my body. Somehow I managed to keep walking until I reached the exit of the terminal. Emmett was easy to spot even though the crowds were large. He had a knack for standing out. I was incredibly nervous to meet up with him. I hadn't even made it back for his and Rosalie's wedding. He probably fucking hated me,but as I drew closer a wide grin broke across his face and I soon found myself wrapped up in his enormous arms.

"Fuck, Jaz, it's really good to see you. Goddamn, I can't believe you're here. Rosalie's going to be so happy," he said.

"Yeah, I'll bet," I said trying to keep the sarcasm to a minimum. I figured now would be a good time to apologize for the last five years.

"Hey, ya know I'm really sorry I didn't come back for the wedding. I er, just..." My voice trailed off.

"You had your reasons and I don't hold anything against you. Jaz, I remember ya know," he said. He placed his hand on my shoulder.

"It's still not a good enough excuse to miss my twin sister's wedding," I grumbled.

"Hey, let's fucking not do this now. Besides it's in the past. Pissing and moaning about that shit isn't going to change it. I say let's forget it. There's enough crap to deal with in the present."

I ran my hand through my hair and groaned.

Emmett kept talking all the way back to the car. I'm not even sure what he was talking about, but if I was going to be honest with myself, it was really good to see the big guy until we got to his ride. Although it was not exactly the same vehicle he had in high school, it was still the same type. I tossed my bag into the back and climbed into the front seat of the Jeep. Fuck, sitting with Emmett in a fucking Jeep brought back a flood of memories. I kinda felt sick to my stomach again.

**5 years ago**

**Senior Year, Forks High**

It was two days before school was starting and there was some big party down at the beach tonight. I think I already knew everyone in the entire school. Between Edward and Emmett they made sure the new kid in town hit all the right spots, met all the right people and it didn't hurt that he was the new starting quarterback on the football team.

The two guys I competed against for the spot were fair, but didn't put up much of a fight. Mike Newton actually sighed with relief when he was relegated to second string. Sitting on the bench was not part of the game plan for me. I needed an active role to be the center of attention.

Rosalie had secured her spot on the cheer squad so she was happy too. Emmett seemed a little too pleased when Rosalie came bouncing downstairs to show off her uniform.

"Could ya at least quit drooling until I'm not in the room," I snorted. "She is my fucking sister."

"Oh, Jasper, lighten up," Rosalie said as she cuffed me upside the head. "There's nothing different about this uniform from my last one."

"Yeah, well, I didn't have to witness this up close and personal," I grumbled as she plopped down on Emmett's lap. I swear he squealed with delight. I wasn't going to think about it. It's not healthy to think about one's twin sister and what was happening to the guy whose lap she was sitting on. I was having a hard time adjusting to the new Rosalie. She never did shit like this back in Texas, so this lovely stuff was all a little foreign to me.

"Can we just go already," I said.

"Yeah Emmett, I promised Alice I would introduce her to Jasper," Rose said.

I groaned. "Who's Alice?"

I thought I had met everyone in this stinking town.

"Alice Brandon. She's been in Italy for the summer. I met her a few days ago and...oh never mind, you'll meet her at the party."

Both Emmett and Rosalie giggled. I still wasn't used to her giggling. I think it would always make me nervous. They were up to something and it involved me and this Alice person. I was pretty sure I was being set up.

I heard people talking upstairs and figured Edward must be here. A few seconds later Mama yelled announcing Edward's arrival. We raced upstairs making a large racket as Emmett tried to run over me. I put the block up and almost knocked him back down the stairs.

Edward and Bella were in the entryway waiting for us.

"Do you always need to sound like a herd of wild animals," Mama asked smiling at us.

"Yes, Mama, that's how we roll," I laughed and gave her a quick hug.

She shook her head. "You guys have fun, but be careful. You know all the rules," she said sternly.

That was a funny statement because Rosalie and I never really had any rules. We didn't flaunt any of the shit we did in Mama's face and we tried keep the partying to a minimum, but we were normal teenage kids and shit. She could be saying that crap for the benefit of our guests.

"Uh, yep, see ya later, Mama," I said.

We all piled into Emmett's jeep. Somehow I ended up sandwiched between Bella and Edward in the backseat. I tried to move but they both insisted it was good. I was a little uncomfortable. Why wouldn't you want to sit next to your girlfriend? Bella should have been in the middle. I couldn't stretch out my legs so my knees were scrunched up by my chin. I hoped the ride wasn't that long.

As soon as we turned onto the highway, Bella yanked a bottle of Jack out of her bag. I cringed. Jack and I did not get a long well. She took a quick snort and handed the bottle off to me. I tried to pass it to Edward but his eyebrows disappeared under his hair. Obviously I was not going to get away with out taking a quick shot. I held my breath and drank. My whole body shuddered and I felt like I was going to fucking puke.

"Jeez, Hale, ya a lightweight or what," Bella asked.

"My buddy Jack and I do not have a good history," I muttered and handed the bottle to Edward. He took a long drink and gave it back to me. My brain had ceased to function because I made myself do another shot. Bella did another shot before trying to hand it off to Rosalie. She waved her hand and said since Emmett would only be able to have a few beers, she would not be drinking tonight. Bella stuffed the bottle into her bag. I leaned back against the seat and tried to will my stomach into calming down. Thank god they weren't going to try and make me do more. Rosalie scowled at me in the rear view mirror. She had the unfortunate experience of being with me when I was puking my guts out after spending a night with Jack.

Bella leaned against the window and closed her eyes. I practiced my deep breathing. Wicked Jack was playing havoc with my stomach and head. I felt Edward's hand snake up around the back of the seat. I thought he was reaching to touch Bella but instead his fingers stopped at the nape of my neck. He started playing with my hair. I wasn't sure what the hell was going on. He had to know it wasn't Bella's hair. I mean her brown locks drifted down to the middle of her back and mine touched the collar of my shirt. The best thing I could do at the moment was stare straight ahead at the road and concentrate on breathing. Every time Edward's fingertips brushed against my skin, I forgot how to breathe. It was more than annoying.

I should shake my head, pretend like I thought his touch was an annoying bug, but I didn't seem to have the strength to move my head. Instead I let my head fall back against the seat and his hand. He tugged gently on my curls. I could feel a loud moan building up in my throat as his touches sent those fucking sparks traveling through my body that always seemed to end up pulsing into my dick.

I chanced a glance at him, but his eyes were tightly closed. His lips were slightly open. I was mesmerized when he ran his tongue across his bottom lip. I stared at the glistening drops of saliva clinging to his red lips. I was tempted to lick them off. Holy fuck, did Bella put something in that fucking liquor. I was thinking about a dude's lips. Fuck that, I was getting hard over _this_ guy's lips. This was so fucking weird and unnerving that the only thing I could think about was how I was going to escape from the vehicle. I would climb out the fucking window if Bella would open it farther. Why the hell did Emmett have to own a hardtop Jeep that seemed to be pushing down on my head. I needed to get the fuck out of here before all the air ran out.

Emmett took the next corner sharply sending Bella sliding into me and pushing my body up against Edward. Somehow his hand slid down my back and up under my shirt. I was on fire. Dear god, I was on a funeral pyre burning to death. Couldn't these stupid people see I needed to be hosed off. Christ, I was going to burn to death and no one would lift a fucking finger.

Emmett slammed on the brakes lurching us forward. Bella squealed and grabbed my thigh. I climbed across Bella's lap, opened the door and jumped out before Emmett had the Jeep in park.

"What the fuck is your problem," Rosalie snapped. I was bent over at the waist, staring at the ground trying to catch my breath. The skin on my back where Edward touched me was still burning. I bet I had third degree burns.

"Felt a little car sick...fucking Jack...should have never taken a drink," I grumbled.

Rosalie chuckled. "Do you remember that night? You must have puked..."

"Rosalie," I shouted, interrupting her. I didn't need to relive the night of the Jack induced coma. It was fucking gross. "I need a beer."

"Wait," Rosalie said grabbing my arm. "I promised Alice I would introduce you guys."

"I promise I will meet Alice. Please just let me get a beer and chill out. I should never have done those fucking shots."

"Fine, you win...for now." Emmett made his way over to us and threw his arm around my sister. They disappeared into a sea of high school kids.

I ran my fingers through my hair. All I could think about was what type of game Edward Cullen was playing and how had I become a participant. I scanned the crowd of kids looking at each of them. Was I attracted to guys and if yes, when the hell did this happen? I don't seem to remember changing teams. There must be something in the water in this godforsaken town that made people go insane.

"Hey Jaz, you look like you could use this," Edward said holding out a cold beer to me.

"Uh yeah, thanks," I said, stepping away from him. I needed some space between us. It was the only way I could breathe. "Hey who's this Alice chick that Rosalie thinks I need to meet. "

His face fell when I asked that question. "Oh, um, she's talking to Jessica and Angela over by the bonfire. She's the little dark haired one who's gesturing with her hands." he said. "I could take you over and introduce her."

I toed the sand with my shoe. I'd never felt so uncomfortable around another person in my life. I couldn't even figure out where to put my hands so I picked gripping the shit out of the beer bottle. I took a long swig.

"Uh, no, Rosalie seemed really excited to introduce me," I said. How lame did that sound? I needed to change the fucking subject. "So, how to you feel about our chances against Port Angeles in two weeks?"

"With your arm, we should crush them," he said bringing out the crooked grin again.

"Yeah? Do you think we'll be able to hook-up on a few long pass routes?"

His face lit up. "Hell yeah, they have one decent cornerback, but I'm faster than him." He laughed and lunged at me, but I was able to slip out of his grasp. We ran down the beach laughing and taunting each other. He finally tripped me up, falling on top of me. His green eyes were almost black as he hovered over me. Strange sensations fluttered in my stomach. Must be the fucking Jack mixing with the beer I had been drinking until Edward fucking Cullen leaned forward and brushed his lips against mine.

My entire body seized up. Was this actually happening?

"Oh fuck," he muttered. "I'm so sorry...I didn't mean...oh fuck...please Jasper...don't...I gotta go.."

He jumped off me, disappearing down the beach before I could even sit up. I ran my finger across my lips and groaned. Edward Cullen had just sort of kissed me and fuck...I kinda liked it...what the fuck did...I jumped up and started sprinting down the beach.

"Rosalie." I yelled, running into the crowd of kids. "Rosalie...unf..." I smashed into a small girl with big golden eyes and short dark hair. "Oh shit, I'm sorry." I muttered reaching for her hand to pull her up. I stared at her for a few seconds. "Hey, are you Alice?"

A cute little smile spread across her face. "Yes, you must be the infamous Jasper Hale. It's nice to finally meet you."

"I hope Rosalie didn't fill your head with too much shit about me."

"No, no," she said giggling. I noticed she was still holding my hand. Fuck Edward Cullen. I pulled Alice forward, leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. Her eyes widened and she reached up, grabbed me by the collar and locked lips with me. Out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of a mess of bronze hair.

The entire time I was kissing Alice, I could feel green eyes burning into the back of my head.

**Present Day **

I banged my head against the window of Emmett's Jeep a few times. I had to quit thinking about that shit. I was here to see my mother, not think about him. This was not healthy. Oh good one Hale as if your current lifestyle was healthy.

I decided to quit fucking around. "So, how bad is it?"

The light slid out of Emmett's eyes and his hands gripped the steering wheel tightly.

"Not good Jaz." His voice was tight and filled with emotion.

"Oh," I answered. My eyes drifted to my hands. I didn't know what else to ask. Those three words answered all my questions and dashed my hopes. I sighed, laying my head against the window. We didn't talk again until Emmett turned the car onto that familiar road that led to Forks. The moment I caught a glimpse of the welcome to Forks sign, I grabbed Emmett by the arm and yelled at him to fucking stop the car.

I jumped out and puked my guts out on the side of the road.

"Fuck, Jaz, are you going to be okay," Emmett asked. "Maybe we shouldn't have pressured you to come back here."

"I'll be fine," I growled. I was still bent over at the waist, dry heaving a little.

"Look Jaz, I know you don't want to talk about...er...him, but maybe.."

"No," I shouted. "I'm not talking about that shit. I'm here to see my mama. Just keep your fucking yap shut. You have it all and I...fuck it, Emmett, I'm sorry. Please, let's just leave it at that," I pleaded.

"No problem buddy, just know I'm here for whatever," he said.

"Just fucking get me to Mama," I grumbled and let Emmett help me back to the Jeep.

* * *

**My poor Jasper...I just wanna wrap him up and hold him close...Since this is a fairly new story, I guess I will beg for reviews...so er, here goes...please, please...um, push that little review button, rec the story, pimp the story, tell your friends about the story..uh, if ya like it okay...thanks...until next week...I'm out...Drizl **


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm struggling right now and I feel I owe you all an explanation. It's been a very long day becuz I was totally flamed out in a review for another fic I wrote. The review was awful and hurtful and I actually considered pulling all my fics from this site. But clearer minds have prevailed and I'm not going to stop. I started this fic and I'm going to finish it. I know putting your work out in the public opens the door for criticism so I'm not asking for your sympathy. Everyone is entitled to their opinions no matter how freaking horrible or wrong they are. Okay, I'm done... This lovely little fic is rated M for a reason...slashy boy love and (eventually) lots of it...snort...**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 5**

**When the Night Comes**

"_Just fucking get me to Mama," I grumbled and let Emmett help me back to the Jeep. _

**Present Day**

**Forks, Washington**

Rosalie was waiting for us on the porch. The rain had stopped so she had parked herself on one of the Adirondack chairs. She slowly stood up when she saw us pull into the driveway. The world felt like it was spinning out of control as I looked up at that house. It took all my strength to keep the memories from drowning me.

"Fuck, Em, I don't think I can go in there," I muttered, staring at the floor mats. He ignored me and my door opened. I wanted to grab it and pull it shut.

"They need ya, Jaz," Emmett said. "Rosalie is falling apart and I can't hold her together by myself. She needs to know you care."

"Oh God," I exhaled. Emmett reached into the back seat, grabbing my bags. He slowly made his way up to the porch, taking Rosalie gently into his arms. She burrowed her face into the crook of his neck letting her long blond hair spill over his shoulder as he held onto her. Her fingers gripped his arms until her knuckles turned white. A spark of jealousy flared up in my heart. I hoped Rosalie knew just how lucky she was to have found someone like Emmett. I really was happy for her, but seeing how much he loved her fucking hurt to witness. At one time in my life I thought I had found it too.

Rosalie lifted her head from Emmett's shoulder and our eyes met. So much alike, yet so different. The sadness in her eyes was the same I stared back at every morning. Sometimes I could hide it, but most days I chose to ignore it. I slowly stepped out of the vehicle and made the short walk up to the porch.

So many emotions were running through Rosalie's face it was hard to keep up with them. Eventually, she let the ice queen mask slide into place. It was actually quite comforting to see something normal again. She held her hand out for me to take. I wondered if this was a peace offering and I immediately felt like shit because I knew it should be me who was offering it up. Apparently I had turned into a pussy as well as a coward. I took her hand, lacing her fingers with mine.

"Thanks for coming, Jasper," she said calmly. "I know how hard it was for you to come back here."

Without hesitation, she pulled the door open and led me into the house. Not a lot had changed since I walked out on everyone. I stopped, digging the heals of my boots into the floor. Memories were assaulting me from every direction and I was finding it very hard to breathe properly.

"I'm sorry," I groaned as I gulped for the air my body craved. "Just give me a moment."

"Jaz, it's okay, really. You can say whatever you want to me. I'm not mad at you..."

I pulled away from her, facing the wall. "You should be," I choked out.

"Look at me!" Now her voice turned hard, angry. She clawed at my arm, her nails digging into my skin. I wanted her to lash out, to punish me for not being there for her. For the missed wedding, the holidays I blew off, the day she called to give me Mama's diagnosis and I was so fucked up I could barely remember the conversation. I wanted her to hurt me like I'm sure I hurt her. I wanted to feel her pain, but she was able to gather her control before the fight escalated. I shook my head, lowering my eyes to the floor.

"Jaz, please, you need to let the past go...let _him_ go." My head snapped up with that declaration. I didn't even know how to respond to her.

"I'm trying," I rasped.

"Try harder," she said firmly. Her hand was on my back again. "Let's go see Mama, she's been waiting for her golden boy.

I spun on my heal and glared at her. "Don't call me that. There's nothing golden about me anymore," I hissed.

She rolled her eyes and sneered at me. "You can be so fucking stupid my dear brother."

I didn't have the strength to fight back. She had absolutely no clue about my current life and if I had my way, she never would. After this shit was all over, I hoped to disappear into the sunset. My sister did not need me around to bring her down. Everything I touched went bad and I was not going to spoil her life.

Rosalie's blue eyes drove into me. I tried to look away but she held me with her stare. "Look Jasper, I know you're not happy, but right now _you_ don't matter. We'll work on you later. Today, Mama needs us, both of us. She needs to know you are going to be okay and if I have to paint a happy face on you I will. I won't allow you to go into her room until you promise me that you aren't going to dump all your shit on her. I don't care what you have to do, just fucking fake it. Pretend that your life is the bomb and give her the peace she needs."

"Are you done," I asked, raising my eyebrows at her.

"Yes," she replied coldly.

Man she was running hot and cold. I could barely keep up with her moods, but anyone looking at her could see the fatigue in her face. She had tried to hide the dark circles under her eyes with make-up but she had not been totally successful.

"You could have a little faith in me. My life may suck, but I would never put it on Mama."

Rosalie nodded and bumped against my shoulder. I took a deep breath, grabbed her hand and trudged up the stairs. I could fucking fake happy for a few days. We stopped at Mama's bedroom door and I closed my eyes searching for some hidden strength. Rosalie leaned into me again. "You'll be fine. It's just Mama."

She dropped my hand, giving me a small push through the door.

"Alice is that you," a small voice asked.

"Er, Mama," I stammered.

"Jasper? Is that you baby boy?"

"Yeah, Mama it's me."

"Well, let me see you baby," she said.

I wasn't quite prepared for the drastic physical changes in my mother. I mean they told me she was sick. Okay Alice said she was dying, but I don't think I had ever seen anyone who was actually knocking on the proverbial door. She was propped up with a ton of pillows wearing a floral do-rag. Thin puffs of blonde hair stuck out from under the cloth. Her skin looked paper thin as did her body. The only thing familiar about her was her blues eyes.

I cleared my throat and tried to look past the physical changes. "Hi Mama," I said.

"Come, sit with me," she said calmly. "I know I look like shit, but hey, I'm dying."

There was my mama. She had never been one to shy away from the truth. I sat down on the edge of the bed, trying not to disturb her.

"Oh, come on Jasper, I haven't seen you in five years and I don't even get a hug. I'm not dead yet, kld," she said.

I huffed. "I'm hardly a kld."

"Pfft, you'll always be my little boy."

I dragged my six foot and some inch frame up to the headboard and situated myself right next to her. She put her skinny arm around my shoulders and pulled me against her tightly. She was amazingly strong. God, how I wanted to fold up and melt into her arms and tell her my life sucked, but Rosalie had been right; this wasn't about me.

"How ya feeling Mama," I sighed. "I mean, I know it's a stupid question but..."

"It's not a stupid question Jasper, it's just a question. Sometimes I feel weightless but that's usually only after Alice gives me the drugs. Sometimes I'm so pissed off that I can hardly think. Sometimes I can't breathe and it scares the crap out of me, but most of the time now, I'm just accepting. We all go one day. Mine is just coming a little sooner than I planned."

I laid my head on her shoulder letting her play with my hair. She used to do that after I'd had a nightmare when I was a small child. It comforted me and helped chase the monsters away.

"Mama, I'm sorry for not keeping in contact."

"You had your reasons and the past is just that...the past. I can't change it, you can't change it, so let's move on. I don't have a lot of time to be sorting through things that have already happened. You're here now and that's what's important," she said giving me a small smile. You don't need to tell me anything specific, Jasper, just talk to me. I want to know you are going to be okay."

And so I started to talk. I mustered up the courage and told her where I went after I left Forks, the interesting people I met and some of the jobs I held. I edited heavily, until she put her hand on my arm.

"Jasper, just stop okay. Did Rosalie tell you to fill me full of crap? I'm not stupid. I know way more than you give me credit for so please give me some truth here," she said.

My eyes widened. "But Rosalie will have my head," I said.

"Now you listen to me. I'm gonna lay it all out because like I said earlier, I don't have a lot of time left and I will not have my son painting a pretty picture because it's for the best. I remember how broken you were," she paused and took a deep breath. "I know why you left, Jasper."

She couldn't possibly know. How could she know? We had never talked about it. Fuck I was going to have a panic attack in front of my mother and I didn't know how to stop it. I wasn't ashamed of sleeping with guys, but it's not something I really wanted to talk about with my mother. I cringed when she lifted my chin so I had to look in her eyes.

"Jasper, never be ashamed of loving anyone," she said fiercely. "I never did go for labels. Love is love. Doesn't matter who you love, but that you did love."

"But...but," I stammered. "Mama, I thought you would be angry or worse disgusted with me."

"What why would you think that? You're my child, I love you. I don't give a rat's ass who you love, only that they love you back and treat you right, because you my darling, are worth it."

At the moment, I didn't feel like I was worth anything, to anyone.

"Look baby, I knew about you and him. You would have to blind not to see the love you held for that boy and the look in your eyes when you came home after that graduation party. It broke my heart. I don't need the details. The look on your face haunted me for weeks. You wear your emotions on your sleeve honey." She brushed her hand against my cheek and I had to choke back a sob.

"I thought I hid it so well. He didn't want anyone to know. I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid I would lose him if I said anything."

"And yet, you lost him anyway. Keeping secrets is not a good way to live your life. They eat at your insides until there's nothing left," she said quietly. "I'm so sorry you had to suffer so, my beautiful golden boy."

All my muscles stiffened when those words came out of her mouth. "Please don't call me that, Mama. I will never live up to your expectations of me."

"Jasper, the only thing I expect from you is that you love me and that you try to be happy."

"I do love you Mama, and I would give anything to be happy again."

"Anything?"

"Of course," I answered.

"Then you need to talk to Edward."

I flew out of bed. "I am NOT talking to him...ever," I snarled.

"You said you would do anything, Jasper and I believe the only way you are ever going to be able to move forward with your life is to confront your past. We may not be able to change our pasts but we sure as hell can put it to bed."

Dammit, I leaned into the wall, tossing my head back and letting my feet slip out from under me. I sank to the floor clutching my head in my hands. "I can't."

"You can't or you won't. There is a difference ya know," she snapped and then she coughed so hard the entire bed rattled. I leaped up and grabbed her a glass of water, holding it in front of her, but she was too weak to grab hold of it as the coughing fit shook her entire body. She grabbed a cloth, covering her mouth. I could see blood droplets spewing from her mouth, filling the towel. I started to move away from the bed, but she grabbed me by the wrist and held me in place. The coughing slowed and she was able to take the water from me, drinking enough to wet her mouth and lips.

"Listen to me Jasper. This is important. Don't leave anything on your list baby, cuz you never know when your time is up. Live the life you want, not the one everyone thinks you should be living cuz if you really think about things, settling ain't really living. Promise me that you will get past all this nonsense," she pleaded. "Talk to him."

Before I could answer her there was a tapping at the door. I watched as it slowly swung open and suddenly I was looking at more of my past. Alice Brandon strode confidently into the room carrying a wide assortment of medication on a tray.

She gasped when her golden eyes came to rest on me. "Jasper." My name fell from her lips in a strangled whisper. She gently placed the tray down on the bedside table before she came over to stand in front of me.

"I can't believe you made it," she said. I opened my arms and she fell into them. I enveloped the petite, dark haired woman with my arms, pulling her up against my chest. Things would have been so much easier if I could have loved her as she had loved me. I stroked her hair and just held her. Finally after several minutes Alice untangled herself from my grasp.

"Susan, it's time for your meds," she said quietly. "Dr. Cullen wanted me to increase your pain meds."

Dr. Cullen was my mother's doctor?

"Jasper, baby, we'll talk more later. You look exhausted," she said giving me a small smile. I did the best I could to offer up a smile in return, but it felt forced.

"Yes, honey, go take and nap. Oh and baby, bring your guitar. I want to hear you play."

"Yes, Mama," I clasped her hand, giving it a tight squeeze and left the room. I needed to go lay down. I needed to digest everything Mama had told me. She knew about me and him. She fucking knew. I staggered down the stairs, making the turn in the hallway to go down in the basement. It was out of habit, but I didn't know if this was where I would be sleeping. I didn't know what was down there anymore.

"It's still your space Jasper," Rosalie said. She was leaning up against the wall by the kitchen. "Emmett already brought your stuff downstairs."

"Thanks, Rosalie. Er, I need a favor," I said. "Um, do you know anyone who plays guitar. I need to borrow it. I didn't bring mine and Mama wants me to play for her."

"I think I can round one up," she paused. "Jaz, I'm sorry for kinda losing my shit on you earlier. I really am happy you're here."

"Rosalie, you don't have to apologize for anything, but thank you," I murmured, rubbing my temples.

"Go get some rest, Jasper. I'll wake you in a bit."

As I traveled down those all too familiar stairs the past sneaked up on me and sucked me back in.

**5 Years Ago**

**First Day Senior Year, Forks High**

After the beach party and our lip brushing, semi-kiss, Edward had managed to avoid me for two days which is incredibly hard to do since we play on the same football team and we were having two a day practices. This was all his fault anyway and now it was the first day of school and he was supposed to be picking me up. I didn't expect him to show up so I was going to be stubborn and fucking walk. It really wasn't all that far. I stomped up the stairs and out into the driveway only to see his silver volvo pulling up in front of me.

"Hey Jaz, do you need a ride to school?"

I wanted to flip him off and tell him to get bent, but I decided to take the noble road.

"Does this mean you're talking to me again," I snapped rudely.

His green eyes met mine for a brief second before he looked down at his dashboard. He was wringing his hands and bouncing around in his seat. I bet he ran his fingers through his hair at least four times before he finally spoke to me. "Uh, hey, man, I well, I was a bit of an asshole at the party. Uh, I just...I should...look Jasper I don't know what the fuck happened at the party, but I had a lot to drink."

"No more than me," I grumbled. I noticed he never used the words I'm sorry in his whole fucking speech. What was with this guy? Maybe he wasn't sorry. Did I want him to be sorry? He did say he was sorry right after it happened.

"I promise it won't happen again," he said. He tugged on his bronze locks again and I couldn't decide if his statement pleased me or pissed me off. Now that was downright confusing. Forgetting about the whole incident seemed like the best thing to do only I hadn't been able to forget about it. For the past two days I had been obsessing over it. My brain insisted that I go over the moment second by second. The weight of his body pressing against mine as he slowly leaned forward to brush his lips against mine. Holy fuck, quit thinking about that shit. This whole fucking thing was odd and bit disturbing. I needed to move past our lip brush. It should be easy since Edward was claiming it was a mistake and besides, I had a date with Alice tomorrow. I'm sure things would get back to normal once I was back in the dating zone.

"Just get in the car Jasper," Edward hissed and added a barely audible please. I don't think he was used to begging for anything. I think he was used to getting his own way all the time and I didn't know if was going to give in to him so fucking easy. "C'mon Hale, we're gonna be late."

I clenched my teeth and decided it was better than walking or having to get Mama to drive me over to the school. I should have just left with Rosalie and Emmett.

"Fine!" I snorted and slid into the front seat. His Ipod was playing some slow song. I cocked an eyebrow at him until the singer started. "Is this Buckcherry?"

"Uh, yeah, I like the piano and...you can change it if you like," he said.

"Naw, it's nice."

We didn't speak the rest of the short drive to school. I still didn't know what the fuck to say to him. He pulled into the school parking lot and we both got out of the car as fast as possible. I could feel everyone staring at us. Bella came bolting out of nowhere, tucking herself under his arm. For some reason the sight made me feel uncomfortable. I rolled me eyes and scanned the parking lot. Rosalie was standing with Emmett waving her fool head off. I raised a finger at her, grunted at Edward and left him trying to grab Bella's ass.

"So are two speaking again," Emmett asked.

"I was _never_ not talking to him," I sniped. "He was the one with the fucking bug up his ass."

"Uh huh, whatever," Emmett said. I punched him in the arm and he grabbed my head, tucking it under his arm in a choke hold.

"Rosalie get your psycho boyfriend off me," I choked.

"Both of you knock it off," she said. "Jaz, you and I need to go to the office and pick up our class schedules."

"Hey Jasper, Rosalie, Em," Alice came bounding up to us, grinning widely.

"Hi," we all answered. Jeezus the girl must be a caffeine junky. No one should be this energetic in the morning.

Rosalie grabbed my arm before I could strike up a conversation with Alice and started dragging me toward the school. "We'll catch up to you guys later."

I shrugged my shoulders, letting Rosalie pull me into the school and down the hall.

Some lady named Mrs. Cope gave us our schedules, asking if we needed help finding our way around the school. Rosalie assured her we could manage. It didn't take long to find our lockers. I pretended to be arranging my books so I could have a moment. Rosalie whined about being late and left me in the hall. I took a minute to wonder how the fuck I had ended up here. If I was back in Texas, I would be heading off to first period with Seth and Aro, talking about the chicks we had banged over the summer. Things had been much easier in Texas. There were no guys brushing their lips against mine.

"Fuck, Hale, forget about that shit," I hissed, slamming my locker shut.

"Forget about what shit," Edward asked.

I met his stare. "Uh, nothing. I'm just, never mind. I gotta get to class," I mumbled.

Edward plucked my schedule out of my hand.

"Hey, we've got four classes together, including first period. Let's go man," he said grabbing hold of my arm. Why the fuck was everyone so grabby today. I felt like I was being man-handled by everyone including my own sister.

It was going to be a long fucking day.

* * *

**Thanks to everyone who has favorited and reviewed this story. Sorry I haven't responded to the reviews but I was busy finishing up another fic. I read them all and I really appreciate all the kind words. Sorry about my earlier rant in the beginning author's notes, but I needed to say something or I was going to implode. I will not mention it again. I am here For Your Entertainment...bwahahahaha...a little laughter (and some Adam Lambert with glitter please) is good for the soul...Until next week...I'm outta here...XoX Drizl **


	6. Chapter 6

**Phew, another chapter in the books. I decided to post the chapter early cuz a new photo of Jackson came out and fuuuhuck...I'm flying my IdBangTheBone flag pretty high tonight. Woot Jackson...The usual reminders...I'm not S. Meyer..just a durty girl messing with her boys for a bit...AND the big one...this is an M Rated Slash Fic...meaning boyxboy lovin' Don't like Don't Read! And now back to the story...**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 6**

**When the Night Comes**

_Edward plucked my schedule out of my hand._

_"Hey, we've got four classes together, including first period. Let's go man," he said grabbing hold of my arm. Why the fuck was everyone so grabby today. I felt like I was being man-handled by everyone including my own sister._

_It was going to be a long fucking day._

**5 Years Ago**

**First Day of School, Forks High**

My first day at Forks High was strange and a bit unnerving for me. Several times during the day my mind wandered back to Texas. I missed the simplicity of that school. I had been comfortable in my role there. I knew where I belonged. Here at Forks High, I felt like a fucking ping pong ball being bounced around in ten different directions. Edward hovered near me the entire day. If we didn't have the same class he walked me to my room and was waiting in the hall at the end of the period. Bella always seemed to be lurking in the background. I couldn't decide if I was pleased or freaked out by Edward's obvious attentions. And then there was Alice. When Edward wasn't around she took his place. She was a cute little thing and I could feel the jealous glares from the guys when she draped herself over me. I couldn't decide if I was pleased or freaked out by Alice's obvious attentions. In general, I was just fucked.

I thought I was off the hook in my last class, because Edward was not here and so far, Alice had not show up. But two minutes after the bell rang, Alice waltzed in and sat down next to me. I spent the next hour trying to figure out how to handle all this weird shit.

As soon as the bell rang, Alice was hanging off my arm, jabbering about when and where we would be meeting tonight. She talked so fast I had no idea what she was telling me. I would have to get her to write everything down.

"Hey, Jaz, you ready for practice," Edward said, slinking up next to me and shooting a stare at Alice. "And after practice, we really should go over some more of the plays we run. I saw you working on your wristband the other day. We should go through it to make sure you have everything right."

"I'm going out with Alice tonight," I said. "And besides, Cullen, I'm pretty sure I can figure out the plays we've been practicing. The offense I ran in Texas was a little more complicated than what we're running her. I'm not saying it's bad or anything, but don't be calling me out. I'm not a fucking rookie ya know."

Edward's eyes widened, astonished at my little outburst. "I never said you were a rookie. I just want everything to be perfect. I want to win this year," he said sharply.

"Cullen, I'm all for winning and with me in control of the offense, you have nothing to worry about," I said, giving him a small wink. He punched me in the arm. It felt good to be cocky. I knew how to do cocky, especially when I had the skills to back it up.

Edward fixed his stare on Alice again. "Hey Alice, where are you and the golden boy going tonight? Maybe Bella and I could hang out with you guys."

Alice quirked an eyebrow at him. "Oh, uh, we were just going to grab a bite at the diner."

"Okay, we'll pick you ladies up after practice, probably around seven," Edward said to Alice and then turned to me. "We better go. Coach will make us run laps in full gear if we're late."

"Uh, see ya Alice," I stammered. What the fuck just happened? Did Edward just weasel his way into my date with Alice? Granted he was bringing Bella, but he brought Bella to the beach party as well and looked what happened there. Things were getting stranger by the minute, but I didn't have time to analyze all this crap. We had to be dressed and out on the field for practice in fifteen minutes.

Emmett was already dressed and ready to go when Edward and I came rushing into the locker room.

"Where the fuck have you two been," Emmett snapped.

"I was talking to Alice," I answered and then added. "Edward was annoying me, so he has no excuse."

Edward raised an eyebrow at me and threw his shoe at my head.

Emmett ignored Edward's outburst and gave me a goofy grin. "Really? Alice huh. She's a hot little mama. A bit high strung, but do-able," he said laughing. "See you two girls out on the field. Wouldn't want to be forced to run laps in full gear, it's fucking way too hot for that today."

Edward and I made it on the field with two minutes to spare. I flipped Emmett off when he tried to convince Coach that he had the wrong time and we were really late. Thank god, Coach didn't fall for Emmett's shit.

About two hours later, I was fucking starving, sweating and a bit beat up. Fucking Tyler Crowley had nailed me when the defense broke down around me. Coach had bitched him out, but the damage was already done. I was going to be really stiff tomorrow. At my old school, I would have received a rub-down but this place didn't seem to have a masseuse on staff. I suddenly missed Randall and his ten magic fingers.

I was showered and dressed before Edward had taken his cleats off. "Come on Cullen, I'm fucking starving and Bella and Alice will be waiting for us."

"I got a text from Bella telling me her and Alice will meet us at the diner," he said flashing his phone at me.

"Whatever, but I'm still starving so move your ass," I said.

I sat down on the bench to wait for Edward. By the time he had finished with his shower, the entire team had cleared out of the locker room leaving us alone. What the fuck was taking him so long. I shifted uncomfortably on the bench. The stiffness in my back seemed to be increasing.

"So help me Cullen, if you're in there jerking off while I'm starving to death, I'm gonna kill you," I shouted.

"Hold your fucking pants on," Edward shouted back as he walked around the corner wearing only a towel that was hanging dangerously low on his hips. He smirked at me, rolling his eyes. I was having a hard time keeping my brain straight. My eyes seemed to want to follow every line of every muscle on his entire naked body.

"Christ," I muttered to myself and forced my eyes to look down at the tiled floor. It was best I looked away from him before the stirrings in my pants got worse. I started going over the new plays we had worked on at practice.

"You ready, Hale," Edward asked. I made the mistake of looking up at him and his stupid damp, messed up hair. His eyes drilled a hole in my head and once again I felt heat flash through my entire body.

"I've been ready for twenty minutes," I reminded him. I groaned when I moved to stand up. The punishment from today's practice was obviously worse than I originally thought. My fucking back was starting to really hurt.

"Jasper, are you okay," Edward asked.

"I'm fine. Tyler must have nailed me pretty good," I grunted and leaned against a locker for a minute. "Just give me a minute."

"Where does it hurt," Edward asked. He was right next me, so close I could feel his breath tickle my ear and the heat from his body was burning through my clothes. I jerked away, yelping when my back spasmed and sent pain shooting in all directions. It almost drove me to my knees.

"Fuck," I hissed.

"Jesus Christ, Hale," Edward mumbled.

I felt Edward's arm snake around my waist as he moved to hold me up. I leaned into his chest or was he pulling me closer to him. Besides the pain clouding my brain, Edward's scent was driving me insane. I wanted to run my tongue over his jaw and taste him. Well, fuck me, I did not just think that shit. I groaned and forced some separation between us.

"I'll be fine Edward. Let's not keep the girl's waiting," I muttered, keeping my eyes focused on the ground again. At least there had been no lip brushing.

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Tell me if it gets to be too much. We can always run and see my dad. He'd probably fix you up with some muscle relaxers."

I snorted. "Is your dad a drug dealer or something?"

Edward chuckled. "Naw, he's a surgeon."

"Oh right. I can't believe I forgot that. I'll let you know."

I bent to pick up my backpack and grimaced loudly when I tried to heave it over my shoulder.

"Jaz, let me take that," Edward said as I stumbled back into the lockers again. His hand reached out, but instead of grabbing my backpack his fingers brushed against my cheek, making me sigh. I tried to mold myself into the locker but Edward had moved closer to me so our bodies were almost pressed up against each other. I needed to get out of this fucking locker room.

"C'mon Cullen, Alice and Bella will be waiting on us," I said rather loudly as I bolted away from him. Fuck my back, being this close to Edward was doing strange things to my body and I didn't know how to deal with the shit.

Edward sent a text to Bella telling her we were on our way. As we walked across the parking lot, Edward kept bumping against me. I swear it felt like I was getting a fucking hard-on from his accidental touches and I was seriously starting to wonder if they were all accidents. One or two I could dismiss but it seemed that some part of his body was always touching me.

He opened the passenger door for me, grabbing my arm and helping me get into the seat. He moved to buckle my seat belt but I grabbed his arm stopping him. He froze with his face right in front of mine. I could almost taste his lips. I bet if I leaned in just a fraction more I could fucking lick those red lips and really get a taste of him. Holy shit, I was losing it here. Must be the hunger. I was obviously suffering from low blood sugar or some other shit that made a person dizzy and crazy. Thank god, Edward's phone chirped and he stepped away from me, got in and started the fucking car up.

We didn't say anything on the way to the diner. I didn't know what to say. Things were too weird and I didn't know if I should ignore Edward's strange actions. And then there was the little voice inside my head who kept telling me that I liked Edward's attentions and I wanted more. That thought freaked me out, because I didn't really know what _more_ entailed. Did I want to be with this guy, like _be _with this guy? The thought was very unnerving, so it was best if I kept quiet and squish that fucking voice in my head.

The diner was pretty quiet and both the girl's were already seated, talking quietly with there heads together. Two very beautiful brunette women, waiting for us. It was good to focus on the chicks.

"Hey, baby, move your ass," Edward said as he pushed Bella over, pecking her on the cheek.

"Hi Alice," I said and slowly slid into the booth next to her. I wasn't going to be able to sit very long. My back was hurting so much I was beginning to lose my appetite.

"Are you okay," Alice asked quietly.

"Er, yeah, just a tough practice," I said.

The waitress came over and took our orders. While we waited the three of them discussed the intricate workings of Forks High. I was in and out of the conversation. My back was really starting to stiffen up and all I wanted was to go home and lay on the floor.

The food finally came and everyone dug in. I was thankful for the silence until I felt someone's foot touch my ankle.

Please be Alice's foot, please be Alice's foot. I snuck a quick look under the table only to see that it was Edward's foot hooked around my ankle. He probably thought I was Bella or the table leg. Right, Bella was sitting next to him and his legs were stretched out in front of him. I was going to go with the table leg theory then, until he started moving his foot, rubbing it against my calf and ankle.

I looked up at him, watching as he whispered in Bella's ear and then pulled her into a kiss and yet, his foot was still touching me.

He couldn't be doing this on purpose right? I mean he currently had his tongue down Bella's throat. This was fucking nuts.

"Uh, you want to get out of here, Alice?"

Alice giggled. "Yeah, I'm getting sick of this. I feel like I'm at a peep show."

Alice pushed against me and I couldn't stop the groan that came out of my mouth as I tried to raise myself up from the seat. Edward looked up at me with questioning eyes. I shook my head and turned away from him.

"Jasper wait, we really should go see my dad. Your back is getting worse," Edward said.

Alice grabbed my hand and stopped me. "I think he's right Jaz, you're walking kinda crooked."

It seemed that everyone was ganging up on me at the moment. I looked from Edward to Alice and then even Bella nodded at me. "You should go see Dr. Cullen. You don't want to make it worse," Bella said quietly. I caught a small glare and nod from Edward to her.

"Fine, it seems I don't have much of a choice," I muttered.

Edward grabbed Bella, yanking her outside.

"What's his problem," I asked Alice.

"Who knows, he's always been a little high strung and full of himself," she snickered.

I chuckled. "Look I'm sorry about tonight and them cutting in on our date. I'd really like to make it up to you."

"Yeah, I'd like that. I'll talk to you later and we'll set something up," she said smiling at me. She really was a very pretty girl with her bright eyes and dark hair setting off her pale skin and red lips. I bent down and brushed my lips against hers. She smiled shyly at me, laced her fingers with mine and walked with me to Edward's car.

"See ya Alice," I said.

"See you, Jasper," she said before we both noticed Bella standing over by her car, waving madly. Edward opened my door, signaling me to get it. "Carlisle's waiting for us," he said brusquely.

Alice shut the door for me and I leaned back into the seat. Edward reached over the console and squeezed my knee. I kept my eyes focused on the swing of Alice's hips as she jogged over to Bella.

By the time we got to the hospital I didn't know if I was going to be able to get out of the car. Edward made me put my arms around his neck so he could haul me out of the car. This was not good. We hadn't played one game yet and I was already hobbled by an injury. Fuck, it was going to be a long season or maybe no season at all. If coming to Forks ruined my football career I was going to have a fucking fit.

Edward kept his arm firmly around my waist as we walked through the parking lot. I wanted to move away from him, but at the same time it was comforting to be so close to him. I was so fucking confused.

We finally made it up to Dr. Cullen's office. Edward set me in a chair and went in search of his father. A few minutes later the door opened and in walked Dr. Carlisle Cullen in the flesh. He was as tall as Edward with the same chiseled features only with blond hair.

"Hello, you must be Jasper Hale," he said holding out his hand to me.

"I'd stand up sir, but it would probably take awhile."

"Edward, help him up and let's get you into the examining room," Dr. Cullen said.

I hobbled into the room and leaned up against the table. I started unbuttoning my shirt. Carlisle motioned for Edward to get out.

"So Jasper, tell me what happened."

"It must have been the hit by Tyler and now I'm having a few lower back spasms," I said.

The exam only took a few minutes and before I knew it, we were back in his office talking about the possibility of making it to the playoffs. He handed me a prescription for some muscle relaxants and showed us out.

"Take it easy tomorrow. Get a massage. If it doesn't improve in a couple days, call me and we'll get you back in here. I can't have the star quarterback out before the season starts," he said laughing. "My son speaks highly of your skills. Actually this whole town seems to be buzzing about the new kid in town."

"Thanks, Dr. Cullen," I said and shook his hand.

I shuffled out in the hall, leaving Edward talking to his dad. He caught up just as the elevator doors opened.

"Let's go get your prescription filled and then I'll take you home," he paused. "Unless you want to spend the night at my place? Ya know, I could wait on you."

I shifted uncomfortably. I couldn't decide if it was because my back hurt or because Edward had just asked me to sleep at his house. "Uh, I'll be fine."

His face fell so I added a thank you.

After we picked up my prescription, he drove me back home. I was able to get out of the car and walk unassisted to my front porch. Edward followed closely behind. I headed up the stairs to the front door. I almost made it, when a surge of pain radiated out from my back. It knocked me to my knees.

"Jaz!" Edward dropped down next to me, putting his arm around my shoulders. Now on top of the pain, I had to deal with little shots of pleasure running through my body.

I tried to push myself up, but it really fucking hurt. Edward wound his arm around me gently helping me get to my feet. I wasn't able to straighten up all the way and I had to lean into his body. Thankfully the pain was so bad I couldn't think of how good it felt to be pressed up against his side.

Edward helped me into the house.

"Jasper, is that you baby," Mama called out.

"Uh, yeah," I answered. I really didn't want her to see me like this but she would eventually see the paperwork for the doctor visit so I clenched my teeth. "Mama, Edward's with me. We had to stop and visit his dad."

"Why did you need to see..." she stopped when she saw me leaning against Edward. "What happened.

"Nothing to worry about Mrs. Hale. Jasper just has a lower back spasm. My dad prescribed some pills to relax his muscles. I figured I'd help him down to his room."

Mama eyed me. "You're sure it's nothing serious?"

"No, mama, I'll be fine," I said grinning at her.

Mama left Edward and I standing in the entryway. I tried to get him to leave, but he shook me off and all but carried me down the stairs to my room. I felt like a fucking pussy when he sat me down on my bed and disappeared into my bathroom, returning with pills and a glass of water in hand.

"Here," he said thrusting the glass into my face.

"Thanks," I said as I tossed the pills in my mouth, taking a quick gulp of water to wash them down.

He rolled his eyes and went about taking my shoes and socks off.

"Help me stand," I said. There was no way I was going to let him take my pants off. I could do that myself, plus I really needed to piss.

I grunted as he carefully pulled me to my feet. "Oh fuck."

"Jaz, let me help you," he whined.

"I'm fucking fine Edward," I groaned and slammed the bathroom door in his face. This was too much. He needed to leave. I couldn't handle the close proximity of him. My cell phone rang and I was actually thankful for the distraction.

"Hey Alice," I said.

"What did the good doctor say," she asked.

"He said I'll be fine tomorrow. It's just some tight muscles. Nothing serious, "I said.

"I'm glad," she said softly.

Thanks for checking up on me Alice and I really am sorry about the date tonight. I promise I'll make it up to you, but right now I'm exhausted and the pills are starting to kick into gear. I'll talk to you in the morning."

I hung up and quickly shut my phone off.

I took care of my needs in the bathroom and slowly shuffled back out to my bed, which was currently occupied by Edward. He jumped up when he saw me. I held my hand up before he could touch me.

"Fuck Edward, I can make it across the room. I'm not a fucking invalid ya know," I almost snarled.

"I know that," he snapped back.

Another fast moving flash of pain shot down my lower back. I cringed, trying not to fucking scream.

Edward was next me before I exhaled, holding me flush against his body. The heat from his touch rushed to my crotch. I tried to shake him loose but it fucking hurt too much to move. He very carefully slid me down into my bed and laid down next to me. We were face to face with our noses almost touching. I could feel his hot breath washing over my lips. I tried to scoot back, but I couldn't move. I wasn't sure if it was my stiff back or his magnetic pull that was keeping me rooted to the spot.

Edward closed his eyes. "What are you doing to me, Jasper Hale," he whispered.

I wanted to yell that I wasn't doing anything. This was all him.

I felt his hand move to my side. It was like having a heating pad pressed against my skin. I may have squirmed a little bit when his fingers started moving up to my face. His opened his eyes and instead of the normal green, I was met with a set of darkened jade, lust filled eyes.

"Jasper," he whispered my name and my dick went hard. Fuck, did I want this? I had just hung up the phone with Alice and she was my date tonight. Shouldn't I be making out with her? Was I going to make out with Edward?

Edward's fingers traced the line of my jaw. I tried not to groan. His thumb followed the outline of my lips and I wanted to sneak my tongue out and take a quick taste, but somehow I managed to stay in control until Edward tilted my chin and did that stupid lip brushing shit again.

What the fuck? He promised there would be no more confusing shit. He had blamed the first one on the booze. Well the fucker wasn't drunk this time unless the diner had spiked his pop. And then since once wasn't enough he did again, but this time it wasn't a brush. This time his lips crashed into mine and his tongue pressed against my lips. This was a real fucking honest to goodness kiss, not some accident. He groaned and I lost my shit, parting my lips for him. His tongue drove into my mouth and I was lost in his taste. I was kissing a boy and not just any boy,I was kissing Edward fucking Cullen and I was liking it way too much.

My life as I had known it was in serious trouble. I was going under way too fast and I couldn't breathe anymore.

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

Emmett was shaking me. "Hey Jaz, wake up, man. You're dreaming and moaning a little. It's really disturbing."

I rolled over and groaned. "What time is it?"

"Uh, it's almost dinner time," Emmett said. "Hey you okay?"

"I wish everyone would quit fucking asking me that. This is about Mama," I snapped.

Emmett sat down on the bed and stared at me. "I know how Susan is doing, I was asking about you Jasper."

"Well don't," I said. I got up and stomped toward my bathroom, slamming the door before Emmett could ask anymore questions.

I'd barely been here for half a day and already the past was trying to drown me. I ripped my shirt off and glared at my reflection. I looked and felt like shit. The dark purple circles under my eyes made me look ten years older than I was. I wanted to beat my head on the wall and make the demon go away, but he was everywhere I turned.

* * *

**Well let me know if you like how this story is progressing. I wasn't going to have another *ahem* meeting between the two of them, but Edward had other ideas and forced my hand. He usually gets what he wants...the sneaky little bastard. Probably be back to the normal Sunday posting next week, unless Jackson come out with some more f*ckhawt pics. Okay you know the drill...And I'm out the door...XoX Drizl **


	7. Chapter 7

**WooHoo! Made the deadline...I should have posted earlier cuz some more really hawt pics of Jackson came out, but they were so hawt, they may have burned my brain a little. I'm gonna warn ya, this is a pretty angsty chappie...oooh, Jasper plays some music in this chapter...Be My Downfall by Del Amitri, And So it Goes by Billy Joel, Black by Pearl Jam, Babylon by David Gray, You're Beautiful by James Blount and Your Arms Feel Like Home by 3 Doors Down...Jeesh, I used a lot of music to get through this chapter...okay enough author's notes...grab your tissue and Read**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 7**

**When the Night Comes**

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

_I'd barely been here for half a day and already the past was trying to drown me. I ripped my shirt off and stared at my reflection. I looked and felt like shit. The dark purple circles under my eyes made me look ten years older than I was. I wanted to beat my head on the wall and make the demon go away, but he was everywhere I turned. _

Emmett went back upstairs to tell everyone I would be up for dinner after I took a shower. Being in this room, this house, was more difficult than I thought it would be. Not much had changed since I walked out of this room that fateful day. The pictures were still on the wall, the old gaming system was still hooked up to the TV, even my school backpack was sitting on my desk. It almost looked like Mama had left everything hoping I would come back one day. It was a bit creepy and having all this shit around was playing games with my head.

I was on edge. My brain was screaming at me to find a way to get high, to numb all the feelings. Since everything in my room was exactly as I left it, maybe some of my paraphernalia was around. I didn't do a lot of smoking in high school, but every once in awhile we lit up. With any luck, I could find a little stash left over from one of our parties. I wonder what five year old pot tasted like? Did it get stronger and better with age like wine? Right now I didn't really care. I would smoke the residue left in my one-hitter if I could find it.

I almost pulled the second drawer out of the desk as I dug through it. Finally, my hand found the small wood box I was so frantically searching for. I twisted the lid and watched as the little metal pipe jumped out, but unfortunately, I was treated to an empty compartment.

"Fuck!"

"Hey, watch your mouth!"

I freaking jumped and Emmett started laughing.

"Quit sneaking around," I shouted, stuffing my one-hitter under some papers and junk. I shoved everything back into the drawer, almost slamming it on my fingers when I banged it shut.

Emmett laughed harder. "I do not fucking sneak. Besides I thought you were taking a fucking shower."

"Uh, yeah, I was just looking...all this stuff...it's weird..Um, I don't er..." I wasn't making a hell of a lot of sense. I felt like a fifteen year old kid getting busted by his old man for stealing a couple of beers or something. I leaned back against my desk, trying to still my shaking hands.

"Jaz, it's okay, really. Just take a shower and after we eat, we'll talk about it. Maybe I can help relieve the pressure you're feeling at the moment." He patted me on the shoulder and disappeared back upstairs.

I wasn't entirely sure what happened. Did Emmett offer to hook me up or was I imaging things and twisting his words, because I was almost desperate for a hit. God I really did need a couple hits. I decided to follow Emmett's instructions and take a quick shower and if I got the wrong impression from him, I would have to make another plan. I'm sure I could find someone in this fucking town with a joint. Maybe Victoria was still in town. She liked to light up in high school.

The shower felt good and even though I had a fucking nightmare during my nap, I did feel slightly rested. I still looked like shit, but everyone in this entire house looked like crap.

I could hear the clinking of dishes and silverware coming from upstairs so I assumed that Rosalie and Emmett were setting the table. I took a deep breath and took the stairs two at a time.

"Hey, can I help with anything," I asked Rosalie.

"Nope, everything's ready. Just have a seat, Jaz. It's nothing fancy. I made some spaghetti."

"Yeah well anything that isn't take-out has got to be great," I said, grabbing the bowl she handed me, and filling my plate with noodles.

We ate in silence. Both Emmett and Rosalie were shooting glances at each other and then they would look over at me. I know they wanted to talk about something but I wasn't sure if I was ready for any talks.

I sighed and threw up my hands. "Alright, fucking knock it off," I snapped.

Rosalie glared at me.

"What...just, fuck it, ask me anything," I grumbled.

Rosalie cleared her throat. "Erm, Emmett found you a guitar."

I raised an eyebrow. "And..."

"And nothing. Mama is expecting you to play for her after dinner."

I scowled at her. "What is wrong with you two?"

"Nothing," Emmett said quickly. "We haven't heard you play for a long time and we were wondering if we could sit in on the jam session."

I knewl they weren't telling me everything. Rosalie may be able to lie to other people, but I knew when she was holding things back. "Yeah, but I'm gonna sit and talk with Mama first. You guys can come in when I start playing."

Emmett sat back in his chair and folded his arms over his chest. Rosalie stood up and went into the kitchen. "I'm having some wine. Does anyone else want a drink?"

"Fuck yeah," I answered.

Emmett snorted. "Make it two. And use a normal glass. I don't want that tiny wine glass."

"Why don't I just give you the bottle to drink out of," Rosalie snapped.

"That would work," Emmett yelled back.

I heard him mutter that he was probably going to need the whole bottle. I narrowed my eyes at him and he quickly looked away.

"What the fuck is going on, Emmett. You two are hiding something from me."

"Oh gawd, I'm shit at this. Look, don't freak out, but the only..."

"Em, get your ass in here and help me uncork this fucking bottle," Rosalie shouted.

Emmett gave me a weird smile and ran into the kitchen. I mean he bolted so fast I swear his fork hadn't stopped vibrating by the time he was struggling with the wine bottle.

Christ, they were fucking nuts.

I heard them arguing in the kitchen. I pinched the bridge of my nose and rubbed my temples. I didn't need that fucking headache to come roaring back. Emmett and Rosalie were still arguing in the kitchen when I spotted the guitar case leaning up against the wall.

I doubted I was going to get that glass of wine so I decided to go up to Mama. This was for her. I grabbed the guitar case and headed up the stairs, but I didn't make it all the way up before the doorbell rang.

"Fuck," I muttered and dropped the guitar case.

I pulled the door open and there stood Dr. Carlisle Cullen.

"Jasper," he said.

"Uh..."

I stumbled back and hit the wall.

"Son are you okay," he asked. His hand reached out for me but I cringed away from him. "Jasper?"

This was ridiculous. I couldn't let him do this to me. It had been five years and this wasn't him standing in front of me, it was his father.

"Sorry." I stepped forward, throwing my shoulders back. "I wasn't expecting...um, well, you."

"Look, Jasper, I know..." I held my hand up, shaking my head.

"Leave it," I said abruptly. "Are you hear to see my mother?"

"No, I just brought her...uh, prescription," he mumbled.

"Oh well, I can give it to her. I was just going up to her, when you rang the bell."

Carlisle clearly looked uncomfortable. He was practically doing a little dance in the entryway. "Right, um it's just...oh for Chrissakes...here..."

He thrust a bag into my hand.

I stared at the bag and then back at Carlisle. Did the good doctor just hand me a bag of weed?

"Uh, it's for medicinal purposes," he said.

"What...you mean this is for..." I stammered and looked again at the bag I was clutching. Holy shit.

"Yes, Jasper, it's for your mother. It helps with the pain and well, sometimes she eats."

"Oh, right," I said. Fuck me. I couldn't get a joint, but the local, hot shot surgeon was making drug house calls for my mother.

"How are you," Carlisle asked.

"Look, I don't mean to be rude, but I need to get up to my mama, so thanks for this," I said, shaking the baggie in front of his face.

Carlisle nodded. I could see the sadness in his eyes. I had no idea if it was for my mother, for me or for something totally unrelated.

"Tell Susan, I'll stop by in the morning to check on her." He patted me on the shoulder and abruptly turned, walking out and shutting the door behind him.

"Fuck me, I hate this place," I mumbled.

"Hey," Emmett said. "Who was at the door?"

"Uh, Dr. Cullen," I said.

Emmett's eyes widened. "Fuck, you okay," he asked.

"Don't start Em, I'm fine," I said, stuffing the bag of weed into my pants pocket. "I'm going up to Mama."

"Wait, Jaz, there's...fuck, forget it..." Emmett walked away muttering to himself. Was everyone going mad in this fucking town?

I scooted back upstairs, grabbed the guitar case and knocked on Mama's door.

"Come in," she weakly called out.

I pushed the door open and a cloud of despair settled around me. I violently pushed it away and tried to think happy thoughts. Fuck I wasn't good at this shit. "Hey Mama, you up for a visitor?"

"Always, baby," she said. "You look a lot better."

I sat down on the bed and squeezed her hand. "So, Mama, Dr. Cullen just stopped by with um..." I giggled. I couldn't help it. I was actually delivering a bag of dope to my mom.

"So why isn't he up here, poking and prodding me. You didn't piss him off did you? I mean, I know who...well, it's just that he's a good doctor and he's been nothing but kind to me."

"Don't worry Mama, he said he'd be back in the morning to check on you. Tonight he was just dropping off some medication for you."

"Oh shit, he didn't..." My mother's eyes widened. I watched in amazement as a beautiful red blush crept up her face.

I pulled the bag out of my pocket, dangling it in front of her nose. "I cannot believe you have your own personal delivery service."

She snorted when I tossed the bag at her. "So, baby, would you like to join me?"

"What?" My voice may have squeaked just a little bit. "You mean lite one up with you?"

"Yes Jasper. Don't play dumb with me, there's papers in the nightstand...be a doll and roll a joint for your mama."

I snickered. I couldn't help it. Fuck this was surreal.

Mama laughed too. God, it was good to hear her laugh. It didn't take long before I had a few joints rolled up and ready to smoke.

"Jeesh, you don't mess around, do you Jasper. It almost seems you've done this a time or two," she said winking at me.

"Erm," I stuttered.

"Will you loosen up. It's not like this is my first time either," she said smiling. "Quit staring at me. Either light one of those up or give it to me."

I pulled a lighter out of my pants. I wondered if medicinal marijuana was different from the stuff on the street. I held out the joint and lighter to my mother, but she waved her hand at me.

"Mama," I whined. This was sort of embarrassing. I mean I'd never smoked a dube with my mom. I'd never even thought about smoking with Mama before now.

"Jasper, just do it." She didn't have to ask twice. I lit the joint and took a long drag, holding the smoke in as long as I could. I passed the joint to Mama, rolling my eyes. I should fucking text James. He'd fucking eat this shit up.

A couple joints later and I was happily floating around in a haze of smoke. I could actually feel the tension sliding off my skin.

"God Mama, this shit is good," I drawled.

"Only the best for me," she giggled. "I see you brought your guitar."

"Naw, but Emmett found one I could borrow, so throw out something you want to hear me play."

"I don't care what you play. I need to hear your voice. I wanna feel the song, Jasper. I don't wanna think about how sick I am. I wanna forget that I'm dying okay."

"Well, fuck..er sorry, um crap, Mama, you sure know how to put the pressure on, but don't worry, I don't do anything half ass," I gave her one of my cocky smiles and her face lit up.

I took another puff off a joint, handing it to Mama before I took the guitar out of its case, not really paying attention to what I was doing. I raised the strap to drag it over my head when my eyes focused on it. My face paled and all the air in my lungs rushed out. I didn't know what to do. I tried to clear my throat but the noise that came out of my mouth sounded like I was being strangled.

"Jasper?"

"I think I swallowed wrong," I said looking away from her.

I now realized what Emmett had been trying to tell me and why Rosalie had tried to get him to shut the fuck up. This was Edward's fucking guitar. I gave the son-of-a-bitch the guitar strap that I currently had around my neck and it felt like a goddamn noose. And why the fuck did he still have the fucking thing? I thought he would have destroyed it long ago. Maybe he kept it as a sort of trophy or some other fucked up reason.

"Jasper?"

I needed to get my shit together, before I freaked Mama out. It was just a fucking guitar. Fuck it, fuck everything. I started strumming and looked up through my lashes to smile at Mama. I launched into an old Billy Joel song called And So It Goes. It was usually played on the piano but I had found a really nice arrangement for guitar and the words seemed so fitting for what was happening in this room.

My voice quivered a little at first, but slowly I gave myself over to the music. I didn't let myself think about the guitar I was playing or the strap hanging around my neck. I was just going to be, for my mother. I barely heard the click of the door opening, when Emmett and Rosalie slipped into the room.

I smiled when Mama took another hit. I launched into Babylon, Be My Downfall, Black, You're Beautiful and several others. I hit my groove and played until my voice grew weary and cotton mouth was threatening to dry out my vocal chords. The last song I sang was Your Arms Feel Like Home and for some reason when I hit the last note, everything crashed down around me. I couldn't handle my mother's blue eyes staring at me, filled with so much adoration. She was lying on her death bed and I was singing stupid depressing songs. I couldn't handle being back in this fucking house with all the memories. They were fucking crushing the life right out of me and now, to be holding this god forsaken guitar, that he cradled and played and touched and oh my fucking god, my chest was caving in. I needed to get the fuck out of here.

"Oh god," I choked out. "Mama...I'm sorry...I can't..."

Rosalie gasped. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Emmett wrap his arms around her and half carry her out of the room.

I yanked the guitar off, wanting desperately to throw it against the wall or smash it to pieces on the floor, but I couldn't do it. I laid it back in its case, shutting it so I wouldn't have to look at it anymore.

"Jasper?"

"I'm sorry...it's nothing..." my voice wavered.

"Quit saying that crap, baby. You need to let it out. It's doing you no good to have all these feeling locked inside you. They're poison."

"I can't," I shuddered. I was afraid to let go, afraid that if I started to cry I would never be able to stop. I had never cried for him because I felt it was a sign of weakness and I didn't want him to think he had won, but he had...that fucking bastard took my heart, ripped it out of my chest and fucking threw it in my face.

I grabbed the door knob and before I realized what was going on, my mother had jumped out of bed and wrapped her arms around me.

Her breath ghosted across my cheek. "This may be your last chance. I'm your mother Jasper, if you can't cry to your mama who else is there?"

A traitorous tear slid down my cheek.

"I'm not gonna ask you to tell me what happened, but I am going to ask you to let it go. You've held on to all this pain for five years and it's done nothing good for you. This is my dying wish for you, please baby, let the pain go. I know I told you to talk to him, but if you can't, I understand. I can't stand to see you like this."

I leaned into her and felt her stagger a little. Her hand moved down to mine, gripping it tightly. I helped her back to her bed. She patted the spot beside her and I crawled in next to her, snuggling up against her side.

"I love you, baby boy," she whispered into my hair.

I closed my eyes, letting a few more tears slip down my face. "It's Edward's guitar," I whispered and then I couldn't talk anymore, because my nerves were wrecked. My breath came in short spasms as I fought desperately to hold it together.

Mama sighed. "Let him go," she whispered.

"Fuck...Mama," I sobbed and then everything exploded out of me. My body shook as the waves of pain rushed through me. I buried my face into my mother's shoulder and cried. I cried because I was so fucking stupid to let him separate me from my family. Blaming him for that was ridiculous, it had been my choice not to come back to Forks for five fucking years. I cried because I was going to lose my mother and there was absolutely nothing I could do about that. I cried because it still hurt, because no matter how much I fucking hated him, I had to admit to myself that I still loved him.

God that was so fucked up.

Mama never said another word, instead she continued to stroke my hair and occasionally she ran her fingers across my cheek, wiping away a few tears. Eventually, I ran out of tears and I allowed myself to relax. In a few minutes I was asleep, traveling down into my nightmares of copper hair and green eyes.

* * *

******Holy Crap...I don't know about all this angsty stuff...It's hard to write...no wonder I like writing Crackfic better...**I need a fecking drink...the next chappie is going to have to be lemons and fluff, cuz I can't handle this much angst. My poor Jasper. Big Fat Heavy Sigh! Until next week...I'm too exhausted to move, so I'll just wait here until next week or until I get some reviews...yeah...hehehehe...maybe I'll hold the next chapter hostage for reviews...okay that's just mean...but feel free to review...and I'm outta here...XoX Drizl 


	8. Chapter 8

**Here I am sneaking in at the last minute again. I really didn't think I would get this chapter finished by my self-imposed deadline. I have enough real life deadlines to contend with at the moment! Enough bitching and whining, at least this chapter isn't angst filled, but I am a little nervous about it. I haven't written much slash (okay, this is my first attempt at slash) and since I don't have the parts...well, you get the picture. I hope you all like it...let's read.**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 8**

**When the Night Comes**

_I closed my eyes, letting a few more tears slip down my face. "It's Edward's guitar," I whispered and then I couldn't talk anymore, because my nerves were wrecked. My breath came in short spasms as I fought desperately to hold it together._

_Mama sighed. "Let him go," she whispered._

_"Fuck...Mama," I sobbed and then everything exploded out of me. My body shook as the waves of pain rushed through me. I buried my face into my mother's shoulder and cried. I cried because I was so fucking stupid to let him separate me from my family. Blaming him for that was ridiculous, it had been my choice not to come back to Forks for five fucking years. I cried because I was going to lose my mother and there was absolutely nothing I could do about that. I cried because it still hurt, because no matter how much I fucking hated him, I had to admit to myself that I still loved him._

_God that was so fucked up._

_Mama never said another word, instead she continued to stroke my hair and occasionally she ran her fingers across my cheek, wiping away a few tears. Eventually, I ran out of tears and I allowed myself to relax. In a few minutes I was asleep, traveling down into my nightmares of copper hair and green eyes._

**5 years ago**

**Senior Year, Forks High**

When I woke up in the morning, Edward was gone. He was always disappearing, leaving me alone to try and make heads or tails out of this gigantic mess that he created. I couldn't decide if I felt relief or if I was angry. I did know I wasn't looking forward to school today. What the fuck was I going to say to him? What was he going to say to me? Neither of us had been drunk last night so we couldn't blame it on the alcohol. Although I did have drugs in my system. I rolled my eyes. I was really reaching here, but I wasn't ready to admit that I really liked kissing Edward. It was just too fucking weird and it made me uncomfortable.

I moved gingerly, stretching slowly and testing my back. It was still stiff, but it was not near as bad as it had been last night. Dr. Cullen told me to take it easy today, get a massage and continue with the pills. I wonder where I could go to get a massage in this town. I made a mental note to ask Emmett or Alice.

I got in the shower, letting the hot water pour over my body. Damn, it felt good. I kinda groaned or maybe I moaned. I grabbed some body wash, squirting it into my hands and rubbing them together to make it a rich lather. I moved my hands over my chest, clearing my head of everything. Flashes of copper hair and green eyes whipped around my brain. I tried to block it out, but I soon realized my hand was wrapped around my dick and I was giving myself a few long, hard strokes. Fuck, I was rock hard and thinking about him again. I tried to change the images to Alice but dream Alice's soft body kept morphing into Edward's muscular body.

I was on sensory overload again, remembering last night. I desperately tried to force myself to think about Alice, but my brain and my body wanted to think about the stolen moments with him. I certainly didn't have much to reference but my dick didn't seem to mind. I tightened my grip, spreading my legs further apart and planting one hand against the shower wall. I slid my soapy hand down to the tip of my dick and with a quick wrist twist, I moved back up to the base. I did that a few times and then traced my thumb around the swollen ridge of the head, moving it up and over the tip, sliding my thumb through my slit on the way back down.

I grunted and I once again I could feel Edward's rough finger tips running across the back of my neck, slipping into my hair and tugging gently on my blond curls. Heat flashed down my spine when thoughts of the weight of his body, pushing me down into the soft sand on the beach before his rosy lips brushed over mine.

"Oh fuck."

My hand sped up and I held tighter. I needed this release.

The heat generated when he rubbed his denim clad leg over mine at the diner and the moment he laid me gently down in my bed. I groaned and slowed my hand, dragging my fingers up the large vein on the underside of my dick. A few more slow tugs and I was getting close. I closed my fingers around my flesh and let my hips move forward, driving my dick into my clenched fist, creating the friction I was desperately seeking.

"Fuck, Edward," I groaned thinking about being back in my bed again. The feel of his fingers running up my jaw line and then tracing the outline of my lips. His breath sweeping across my face and finally, his mouth closing over mine. The taste of his tongue when he licked my lips, dipping in my mouth for a taste of me. I wanted it then and I fucking wanted it again. I wanted his lips pressed against mine. I fucking wanted to feel the heat from his body pressing up against mine. I wanted to feel his skin sliding across mine.

"Ooooh, fuck!" I growled.

My knees were starting to go weak as I felt my muscles began that sweet burn before release. I was fucking panting, fisting my cock and thinking about that kiss. I stopped breathing and squeezed my eyes shut until my entire body tensed and I fucking shot cum all over my hand. The intensity of the orgasm drove me to my knees. Well, that and the fact that contracting my back muscles was probably not the smartest thing I had ever done.

Fuck I needed those pain pills. I stayed on my knees and finished rinsing off the soap and cum before I crawled out of the shower. I grabbed a towel and laid on the floor for a few minutes. At this rate I was going to fucking be late for school. I would probably be late anyway, because I'm sure Edward wouldn't show up to give me a ride. Did I want Edward to come get me? What was his fucking story? Maybe it would be best if I didn't know anything more about him.

I groaned and rolled to my stomach, very slowly pushing myself up. It wasn't too bad, but I needed to remember not to jack off again until my back was fully functional.

I downed a couple pills, did a quick shave and got dressed. For several minutes I stared at my reflection. I didn't recognize that person staring back at me. That guy in the mirror had kissed a guy. I wasn't that person. That wasn't me that just jerked off thinking about a dude. I shook my head and sighed.

I couldn't put myself in the position to be alone with Edward anymore. It was too risky. I might do something that I couldn't take back. What the fuck was I thinking, I 'd already kissed the guy in my bed. I didn't know if I could deal with what comes next. Frankly I didn't really know what was supposed to come next. I had always been with women and I knew the logical progression of a relationship with a girl. It starts with kissing and petting over the clothing which then progresses to getting your hands under their shirt and under their bra. For the time being, everything stays above the waist except maybe a casual slip of fingertips grazing across the hip but always above the clothing. As she gets more comfortable, the hands start to move down along with more pressing of the body together which eventually leads to a hand down the pants or lips on the bare breast. If you're lucky, it will be both and then you can move onto finger fucking and hand jobs. Then one can only hope and beg for a fucking blow job.

Clothing is the next casualty as things get heated up and the stakes are upped, because getting your dick into the pussy is, after all, the goal of this odd dance.

How did it work with guys and really why the hell was I even thinking about this shit? Again kissing came first. The logical thing to happen next would be groping over the clothing and I suppose rutting against each other with clothing on would be the next acceptable step. What is the goal of two guys getting together? How do you know if you are a top or bottom? I know not all guys like it up the ass. How do you fucking decide? Blow jobs would have to come somewhere on this list. I've only been on the receiving end of them before. Fuck, I've never thought about giving one. I've licked a few pussies in my lifetime but never even thought about sucking a dick. It can't be that hard though, because seriously, just having a mouth on your dick...let's just say it's fantastic and technique comes with practice. I cannot believe I'm actually thinking about this shit.

Christ, I think it is safe to say I should stick with Alice. Okay, the plan is not to get caught alone with Cullen. Yep, I can do this, besides the asshole probably won't even talk to me for days.

"Hale, get a move on! We're gonna be late," Edward shouted from upstairs.

My stomach lurched. He was here. I felt the same way I did before I stepped onto the football field right before the game started. Holy shit.

"Jasper," he shouted again coming down a few steps until my eyes met his. He smiled. "Let's go or we're gonna be fucking late."

The fucking tension was on high but he said nothing about our encounter last evening. I eyed him curiously but decided to keep quiet, since I didn't know what to say and my plan had been to stay the fuck away from him.

"So how's your back feeling this morning," he asked. as he got in the car.

"Er, it's still a little stiff, but it's much better," I said. "I do need to find someone who could give me a massage."

"I can hook you up," Edward said. His eyes flashed at me and he gave me a sly grin. "Meet me after practice."

I almost expected him to wink at me. I drew in a shaky breath and stared at the wet road as we drove to school.

I barely remember the rest of the day. All I could think of was the look in Edward's green eyes when he said he could hook me up with a massage. What the fuck did that look mean? I was driving myself crazy over this.

"Hey Jas," Alice said grabbing my hand. "What are you doing after school?"

'Er, going to watch practice and then I have to get a massage."

"Oh, is Edward taking you to his mother?"

"What?"

"Yes, his mother is a massage therapist."

His mother? Disappointment raged through my body. I tried to tell myself this was good. Having Edward's hands on my bare skin, rubbing and...Fuck...Remember the plan. Stay the fuck away from Cullen.

"Jasper, are you okay," Alice asked.

"Uh yeah, just a little tired and my back is still stiff." I grinned at her and pulled her in to a tight hug. Edward came around the corner and frowned. I ignored his reaction and concentrated on the girl in my arms.

I could hear Edward breathing and grinding his teeth as I planted a not so sweet kiss on Alice. "Jas," he whined. "We need to go. Just because you don't have to suit up doesn't mean Coach will tolerate us being late."

"Go," Alice whispered in my ear, dragging her lips down my throat. "I'll talk to you later."

I wanted to tell Edward I knew that it was mother, Esme Cullen, who was the secret massage therapist. He finally did tell me, but I still couldn't get that sexy smirk of his out of my head.

After practice Edward drove me to his home and Esme gave me a massage. She was incredibly nice and made my back feel great. She decided that I needed to see her a few more times. I readily agreed.

Over the next two weeks my back got stronger and I was able to return to practice. Our first game was a week later, which we won when I hooked up with Edward on a fifty yard pass. He ran the last twenty yards and we ended up winning the game. It was fucking great to be back on the field. It was great to be back in good physical condition and it was good that everything seemed to be normal again and by normal I mean I was with Alice and Edward was with Bella.

"Hey," Edward clapped me on the back. "Fucking awesome pass. I can't believe you didn't get tackled."

"Yeah, I had to do a little scrambling, but you were open and I knew if I hit you, you'd be gone."

Edward flashed another smile at me, shaking his head. "Fuck I love playing with you."

I raised an eyebrow and rolled my eyes. "We make a good team."

"My mother said you should probably come over and get a massage."

"Now?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, but we could wait."

"Isn't there a party or something," I asked.

"I suppose, but I don't feel much like going out tonight. I'm really beat."

Emmett came charging over to us, hollering about how fucking awesome we were.

"Christ, Emmett, it was just one game," I said.

"Yes, but if this is how the rest of the season is going to go. Fuck! Oh and sorry about that missed block at the end of the game. Fucking Crowley got in my way again," he growled.

"It happens, "I said. "Just don't make it a habit."

"You guys coming out?"

Edward looked at me, silently pleading for me to say no.

"Uh, I have to go get a massage. Maybe after though. I'll see how I feel."

"Yeah, gotta keep that back in shape," he laughed. "I gotta go. Can't keep Rosalie waiting too long."

Emmett was whistling as he left the locker room. "Hey asshole, you fucking behave with my sister," I shouted. Emmett seemed a little too happy for my comfort.

"You know it doesn't matter what you say to him. I think he's in love with your sister."

"Shut the fuck up, Cullen," I said, trying to sound pissed off. "I guess she could do worse. She could be dating you."

Edward narrowed his eyes at me and threw his wet towel at me. "Fuck you, Hale."

I shook my head. "Let's go."

Edward made a quick phone call and I dialed Alice, telling her I needed a massage and that I would probably talk to her tomorrow. It took forever to get through the parking lot to Edward's car because kids kept coming up to us offering congratulations and wanting to know about the pass and shit. You'd think this town had never won a football game before. For me it was old hat. It was news when I lost a game, not when my team won.

"Jesus Christ," Edward mumbled. "You fucking attract a goddamn crowd."

"This place is fucking nuts."

"You do realize the team we beat was last year's state champion, right," Edward said.

My mouth dropped open. "Uh, no."

"Fuck Hale," he chuckled and got in his car.

Edward cranked up the tunes and we sang and shot the shit as we drove to his home. I could feel a slight twinge in my back and was actually looking forward to the massage. I didn't want to chance another back spasm episode. Just as we were getting out of the car, Edward's phone rang.

"Hey, yeah, he's right here...why?"

Edward shrugged his shoulders and handed me the phone. He mouthed it's my mom.

"Hello, Mrs. Cullen? Right Esme...sorry...Oh, well...what? I suppose, but only if it's okay with him. Sure, here he is."

I handed the phone back to Edward, kicking at the wet leaves littering the driveway. Holy Fuck, Esme wasn't going to be able to make our massage session. She had to stay at the hospital with a friend who had been in a car accident. She said it was nothing serious but her friend was a bit worked up. I could handle all that shit, but she wants me to have a massage anyway...and she wants Edward to give me the massage.

Edward put his hand on my shoulder. "Ya know, my mother taught me all her tricks. I promise I won't hurt you, if you trust me."

My eyes widened. I had been doing so well staying away from Edward since our bed kissing episode and now he would be touching my naked skin. I turned away from his gaze not knowing if I could fucking handle this shit. That was just fucking stupid. I reminded myself again that I was dating Alice and Edward was dating Bella. He was just going to give me a quick massage to loosen up my back muscles. His mother said he was a professional.

"Jasper?"

"Oh, yeah, hey, no problem. My back is a little stiff and if your mom thinks this is what I need, who am to argue."

I clenched my teeth and followed Edward into the house. Nothing was going to happen. It had been over two weeks and he hadn't said a word to me about that kiss and I wasn't going to bring it up. He had just been experimenting or something. It was nothing to get excited about. Shake it off Hale.

We walked into Esme's office where the table was already set up. I watched as Edward went over to the sink and set about washing his hands. My eyes followed his movements from pumping the soap out of the container to lathering up his hands. He rubbed his hands together, lacing his fingers together spreading the soap everywhere. Those same fingers were going to be on my back in moments. His movements were deliberate and intoxicating and if I didn't look away from him I was going to get hard.

I turned my back and stepped into the dressing room, pulling the door closed, groaning as I sat down on the bench. I closed my eyes, hanging my jacket on the hook and slowly sliding out of my shirt. I unbuttoned my jeans and stepped out of them, folding them and setting them on the bench. I wasn't going to take off my boxer briefs, but I wasn't going to strut out into the room in just my underwear either so I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my hips.

Edward was standing with his back to me looking out the window. I tried not to stare, but he really was a sight to behold. He had his hand in his hair, gripping some of the unruly copper locks. He sighed softly drawing my eyes to the rise and fall of his chest. The white t-shirt he had on showed off the outline of his pecs. He shifted his arm, making the sleeve rise over his well-defined bicep bump. The window shade dropped down shutting off the outside world.

I swallowed and cleared my throat. He immediately turned and I was met with smoldering, green eyes.

He took a deep breath, dropping his hand from his hair. "Ya ready Jas?"

No.

It was as simple as that. No...the boy scared the shit out of me because he could draw reactions from my body without doing anything. Somehow I ended up laying face down on the table with Edward hovering over me. I heard him pop the top of a bottle, I smelled the scent of oil and heard him rub his hands together, slicking them up.

I had to bite my lip when his wet hands slid across my back and up around my shoulders.

"Fuck Hale, you're really wound up. You need to relax."

Yeah right. No fucking problem, I thought sarcastically.

"Maybe this will help, "Edward said stepping away from me. I heard him rattling around and then music filled the room. He fiddled around with it for another few seconds until he was happy with what was coming out of the speakers.

"Muse," he whispered in my ear. I jumped when his nose nuzzled against my ear at least I think that happened. He moved away so fast and started with the oil again that I wasn't sure if it had happened. Maybe I was imagining things.

Edward started working my muscles, pushing his fingers into my sore spots. It was hard not to groan, because it really did feel good. Maybe it was because it was him, but I almost thought he was better at this that Esme. HIs hands were stronger. I tried not to imagine what his fingers looked like running across my back, kneading my muscles.

His hands moved down my back until they were just above my hips.

"You're really tight," he said quietly.

I groaned when he pushed hard on a sensitive spot.

"You alright, Jas?"

"Yeah fine, just hurt a little there."

"I'll be gentle. I promise," he spoke so quietly I barely heard him. He was still touching my back but his kneading had turned to soft caresses. This was not part of Esme's normal routine, but fuck, it felt good. Who was I kidding, it felt good just to have his hands on my flesh.

"I tried," he whispered. I could feel his breath on my neck.

This was definitely not a normal massage.

I felt a light kiss glide across my neck, making all the hairs stand up on my body.

"I can't stop thinking about you," he said, his breath ghosting across my skin. I shivered and squirmed because I could definitely feel stirrings in my groin. I closed my eyes as Edward kissed my neck again. This was coming down to two choices...I could stay or I could leave.

Edward's hands were caressing every bit of exposed skin on my back and arms. His face was incredibly close to my face and I felt his lips brush against my ear.

Fuck.

I made my decision when I flipped over, grabbed Edward and smashed my mouth to his. Our teeth clicked together and it was brutal, but I didn't fucking care anymore. He opened his mouth and shoved his tongue out, driving my lips apart. I let his tongue dive into my mouth and I moaned. My fingers found their way into his hair and I pulled it, dragging him closer to my body.

"Fuck Jasper," he moaned when he pulled his lips away to take a breath.

I sat up, reaching for his t-shirt and yanked it over his head. I wanted to feel his skin against mine. I gasped and launched myself at him. We tumbled to the floor, with him landing on top of me. For a few moments, we just lay there, chest to chest, skin to skin. I may very well die.

I could feel every line of his body as he pressed against me. My cock was digging into his thigh and I could feel his against my hip. He was as hard as I was.

I grunted and thrust my hips up, searching for some sort of friction. Edward moaned and moved so he was between my legs. His dick rubbed against mine and white hot heat went up my spine. I arched my back, driving my dick against his.

His mouth was covering mine again and his fingers were digging into my shoulders as he started thrusting against me.

"Jasper," he gasped. "I need...Oh fuck..."

I had no idea what the fuck he needed and I really didn't care. I grabbed his ass, forcing him to press into me harder.

"Fuck," Edward shouted and I felt his body tense and shudder against mine. The sensation of knowing he just came sent me tumbling down after him.

"Ugh," I grunted and my entire body spasmed as I jizzed in my underwear.

Edward collapsed on me, splayed out over my chest. I traced circles on his back and I felt his breathing slowly return to normal.

He raised up on his arms, staring into my eyes. He captivated me, more than anyone I had ever met. I reached up and touched his cheek. He nuzzled against my hand, sighing contentedly. His eyes closed and he leaned down, placing a very soft, sensuous kiss on my overused, bruised lips.

If he kept this shit up, I was going to get hard again.

**Present Day **

"Jasper, baby, wake up."

"Hmmmm," I groaned.

Someone was gently shaking me and I was slowly coming out of the hazy hot dream.

HolyFuckingShit, I squeezed my eyes, keeping them shut. I think I just had a fuckhot dream in my mom's bed.

"Jasper are you okay?"

"Mama, I'm fine," I blurted out.

Someone giggled. "It's not your mom, it's Alice."

My eyes flew open and I yanked the blankets up around my neck.

"What the fuck? Where's Mama?"

Alice sat down on the bed. "Calm down, Jas. Doctor Cullen stopped by and your mama wanted to go outside. The minute we took her out of here you started thrashing around like a man possessed."

I let out a long breath of air. The fucking dream must have started when Mama left. Thank fucking Gawd.

"You want to talk about it," Alice asked.

"No," I stated firmly.

She pursed her lips and nodded. "It's not good to keep everything inside."

"You sound like my mother and that lady on the plane," I mumbled. I didn't want to talk about this shit, so I changed the focus of our conversation. "How is Mama today?"

"She's okay. She said you sang for her last night. You still doing some singing or was this a private concert?"

"No, it wasn't private, I still hit the stage when the urge calls," I said.

"God, I love when you sing," she said, closing her eyes and dropping her chin to her chest.

Her bangs fell across her face. She wore her hair a little longer than she had in high school. I rubbed my sleep filled eyes, thinking again, how much simpler everything would have been if I had been able to take her as my lover. I sighed. "I should really take a shower."

"Well, don't let me stop you," Alice giggled.

I threw the blankets off saying a silent thanks because my morning, dream wood had all but disappeared.

It was going to be another fucking long day.

* * *

**Gah, I hope I did that scene justice...And for you music junkies...Unintended by Muse was the song playing when Edward and Jasper were dry humping the shit out of each other. Snort...Thanks for all the reviews, making the story a favorite and signing up for alerts...I hope there was enough Edward in this chapter for everyone. Remember Jasper is the focus of this story, cuz, well, I'm a Jasperh00r and he doesn't get enough loving! :D Alright have a great week and remember to leave your favorite fics some love when ya read 'em. The authors really do appreciate the reviews...And I'm off...XoX Drizl **


	9. Chapter 9

**Surprise! I'm a day early! WooHoo! I'm posting in honor of Jackson and the 100 Monkeys playing in Toronto tonight and then tomorrow Jackson's movie _Girlfriend_ premieres. Damn, I wish I was there! **

** I sincerely hope everyone is enjoying the story. Remember it's rated Mmmmm...and it's Slash...and it's Jasper's POV...and songs in this chapter are _Love Song_ by Tesla and _Hallelujah_ by Jeff Buckley...and that's about it...let's read... **

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 9**

**When the Night Comes**

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

I made my way downstairs, dragging the guitar with me and a whole hell of a lot of bitterness and resentment. Mama was sitting outside in the sunshine, staring off at the bright blue sky. What could be going through her mind at a time when she knows...I shuddered and shook the thought away, going to stand by her. She looked so fragile, so small and so sick. I was afraid if I touched her she would shatter.

"Hey Mama," I whispered and kissed her cheek. "Do you want some company?"

I slid down to the ground still holding the guitar.

"Hey baby," she whispered hoarsely, running her fingers through my hair.

"You doing okay?"

She raised her eyebrows. "I could ask you the same thing."

"Point taken, Mama."

She sighed. "You have your lighter, baby?"

I dug in my pocket until I found it and handed it to her. She smiled weakly and took a joint out of her sweatshirt pocket.

I watched in amazement as she lit the joint and took a small hit. She passed it to me without a word and I gratefully accepted. It was probably stupid, but I figured smoking weed enabled me to keep moving forward when all I really wanted to do was curl into a tiny ball and disappear.

We puffed leisurely, handing the joint back and forth. Eventually we started talking about silly things like the weather, how long my hair was at the moment, the music I played and how Emmett had changed Rosalie.

"I'm surprised to see you with the guitar," Mama said.

I picked it up, crossed my legs and set the guitar in my lap. "It's pointless to get angry over an object. The guitar belongs to him; but it is not him," I stated. "Besides, you wanted to hear me play and you are more important than anything."

"Play something for me baby," she said smiling.

I started out with a little Tesla, singing _Love Song_. I used to sing that song a lot back in the day. It was one of mama's favorites. It was also one of Edward's favorites. I stumbled over a few words and before I knew it, a stupid memory whisked me away before I had a fucking chance to stop the goddamn thing.

**5 Years Ago**

**Senior Year, Forks High**

_Edward collapsed on me, splayed out over my chest. I traced circles on his back and I felt his breathing slowly return to normal._

_He raised up on his arms, staring into my eyes. He captivated me, more than anyone I had ever met. I reached up and touched his cheek. He nuzzled against my hand, sighing contentedly. His eyes closed __and he leaned down, placing a very_ _soft, sensuous kiss on my overused, bruised lips._

_If he kept this shit up, I was going to get hard again._

We stared at each for a few seconds before Edward rolled off me and jumped up, holding out his hand to pull me to my feet. I shifted uncomfortably when I got up, grabbing my towel that had fallen to the floor when I jumped Edward. I grimaced when I tied the towel around my hips. The cum in my shorts was starting to cool and dry.

"Uh, do you think I could catch a quick shower," I asked, stepping into the dressing room and quickly grabbing my clothes.

"Oh, um sure," Edward stuttered a bit and raked his hand through his hair again.

Fuck, we were back to the uneasy, not knowing what the fuck to do feeling. I didn't know what the hell to say to him. I couldn't very well say thank you for the best dry hump ever, could I? If Edward was a girl I would just collect my things, maybe get her number and go home. I was beginning to think that would have been the best idea. This was just damn uncomfortable, but hell, my back was all oily and my shorts were filled with dried cum.

Christ.

I shook my head, sighing heavily as I followed him out of the room. What the fuck was this? What did I want it to be? Edward didn't seem to know what to do either. He shoved his hands into his pants pockets and wouldn't look at me as we trudged up the stairs to his room.

I'd been in Edward's room a few times, so I really didn't need any help finding my way. It would have been less tense if Edward would have just stayed downstairs. He opened his bathroom door, ushering me in and tossing me a clean towel before he flipped on some music. Tesla filled the room.

"Uh, body wash and shampoo are in the shower."

"Oh right, thanks," I said.

The awkwardness in the room was so thick I felt like I was drowning in it.

Edward turned his back to me, moving quickly toward the door, but right before he stepped out of the room he stopped, whirling around to stare at me. I gasped, letting out a long breath of air. I hadn't even realized I wasn't breathing and I swear my shoulders were up around my ears.

He gave a low throaty growl and stalked toward me, pinning me up against the shower door. I gasped when his fingers wrapped around my wrists and he raised my arms up above my head. He hovered in front of me for a few seconds before he leaned in, nuzzling against my throat. My head fell back, leaving my throat wide open to him. He latched on, sucking down hard, marking me.

Fucking hell, Edward was giving me a hickey. I struggled and he moaned, moving his mouth up my jaw until his lips were pressed against mine. I moaned when I felt Edward's velvet tongue seeking entrance into my mouth. I completely forgot about the hickey as my eyelids fluttered shut and I opened my mouth and sucked on Edward's tongue, making him hiss and buck against my leg. That was when I noticed that we were both rock fucking hard again.

"Fuck, Jasper," Edward gasped, taking a huge gulp of air.

The sound of my name brought me to life. I squirmed until Edward dropped his hold on one of my wrists and I let my hand drift through his hair. Edward's free hand started wandering as well. He caressed my throat, moving down over my shoulders and past my arms until his hand rested on my hip. The heat from his hand burned through the waistband of my shorts. My hand dropped to the small of his back and I pulled him hard against me. Our cocks brushed together and I thought I was going to pass out.

Fuck, it felt so damn good. Edward's thrusting was becoming frantic and I was about ready to lose my fucking mind.

This was getting so fucking intense I couldn't even remember how to breathe. I fucking wanted him closer. I couldn't get enough of his lips or his tongue or his taste and then I felt his hand move from my hip to my dick. His fingers traced the outline of it.

Holy mother of God.

I'd never wanted someone to shove their hand down my shorts more than I did at his moment. I wanted to feel the warmth of his hand wrapped around my cock.

My mind shifted gears. Holy...a fucking guy was touching my dick and I think I fucking liked it. I mean it was just through my shorts but shit, it felt so goddamn good. I was going to have to think about this shit, but right now Edward's hand was all I wanted to think about and I wanted...no I fucking needed to touch him. I was lost in the passion of his touch and his kiss. I was a little surprised that my hand moved of its own accord, sliding in between us until my fingers brushed against his erection. He was so hard it felt like he was going to bust out of his jeans.

"Oh my fuck, Jasper," he growled, pushing into my hand. He still had my right arm trapped above my head. I felt his grip lessen and he moved his hand up into my palm, lacing his fingers through mine.

I focused again on Edward's cock. It was really an odd sensation to touch another man's dick, yet strangely arousing especially with Edward panting in my ear and squeezing my dick. My heart was beating erratically and I was getting close. Edward was fucking the hell out of my hand, so I gave his dick a hard squeeze. He mumbled some garbled words and rubbed his palm against my dick, making me fucking moan.

"Shit, I'm gonna cum," Edward murmured against my neck.

He let out a strangled cry and I felt his cock pulse against my hand, a small circle of warm wetness forming on his jeans. One more thrust into his hand and I was arching my back cuming into my fucking shorts again. If it wasn't for Edward's body pressed up against mine, I would have slid down to the floor. Edward had turned me into a pile of mush just by groping me.

"Holy fuck," Edward said, leaning his forhead against mine.

"Agreed," I said quietly.

He slowly backed away from me, still panting, but never taking his eyes off mine.

"You should...I'll just let you...erm...I'll be right out here," Edward said, turning a bright shade of crimson as he backed out the bathroom. His ears looked like they were on fire.

I shook my head and let out a breath I hadn't even realized I was holding. After my shower, we were going to have to talk.

**Present Day**

**Forks, Washington**

"Jasper...Jasper..."

"Huh," I said, blinking furiously. I finally realized where I was. "Sorry about that, Mama. Uh where was I?"

"I don't know? You tell me where you were?"

I felt the heat rise up my face and a sheen of sweat sparkled on my skin when the sun hit me. Fuck, I was thinking about touching Edward's dick right in front of my mother.

My mother raised an eyebrow but said nothing more. I'm pretty sure she knew I had been thinking about him again. I strummed the guitar a few times and launched into the first song that popped into my head.

_Hallelujah_.

Mama smiled when I started to sing and play again. She relaxed and sank deeper into the chair as the notes wrapped around us. I put all my sadness, anger and hurt into that song. When the song ended, I was spent from playing and from being tortured by that stupid demon. I also had really bad cottonmouth, making it difficult to swallow.

I sighed and set the guitar down, leaning it against Mama's chair. I needed to stand and get something to drink but it was hard fucking work. I was obviously a little more stoned than I originally thought. A noise from the woods brought me out of my trance. I swear I saw someone standing in the trees, watching us. They moved and the sun hit what looked like copper hair. I sucked in a deep breath and rubbed my eyes. Now my mind was trying to push me over the edge. As if Edward would be standing in the woods, spying on Mama and me. I must be **really** stoned.

Mama patted me on the head. I was just going to write that off as smoking some really great shit. For the next for minutes, we didn't speak or move. We just sat, existing and enjoying the sun. I leaned against her chair and Mama rested her hand against my cheek.

"Jasper," she whispered. "You know that Tesla song you sang.

"Yeah, Mama."

"You really should take the words to heart. There is love all around you and I really do believe you will find love again...if you give it a chance."

My chin dropped to my chest and my shoulders sank. "Maybe I should have sang _Love Stinks _instead.

She giggled and rolled her eyes. "I was trying to be serious ya know."

I eyed her, raising my eyebrows.

"You are a stubborn child," she said.

She closed her eyes and her brow furrowed. I could tell pain was sweeping through her body. She gripped the arm of the chair so hard her knuckles turned white.

"I need to lie down," she said through clenched teeth. "I think it's getting close."

I stood up and helped her stand. She refused to use a wheelchair.

"What's getting close," I asked nonchalantly as I put my arm around her waist. I wondered if she even weighed ninety pounds.

"My time to leave you all."

I staggered at the words, stumbling a bit, almost sending us both to the ground. I didn't even know what to say. I opened my mouth a few times, but no words came out. What do you say to a statement like that?

I turned my face away from her, taking a deep breath and squeezing my eyes shut. A few tears slid down my cheeks.

I heard the patio door slide open and Alice stepped out carrying a tray filled with pill bottles and a couple water bottles. She immediately set it on the patio table and rushed over to us.

"Alice, can you help me to my room. For some reason, this boy's a little stoned."

"Susan, you are not supposed to be sharing your medicine," she scolded her.

My mother winced again as Alice grasped her around the waist. "I think I need something a little stronger than the pot right now."

I gave Mama and Alice a weak smile. Alice nodded at me. I could see the sadness radiating out of her eyes and it made my heart ache.

"Jas, could you grab that tray please," Alice said looking over her shoulder.

"Uh, yeah, I'll be right there," I mumbled.

"No, Jasper, now," Alice said sternly.

I could see I wasn't going to win that battle so I shuffled after them, picking up the tray and then scooting ahead to open the door for them.

After Alice got Mama back in bed and her pain managed, Mama dosed off and Alice signaled me to follow her downstairs.

Alice went in the living room, flopping down on the sofa and letting out a long sigh.

"Fuck," she moaned.

"Are you okay," I muttered, sitting down next to her.

"Honestly, no. I usually never care for someone I know, but I couldn't turn your mother down."

"So are you a nurse?"

"Yep, I'll be completing my Master's Degree at the end of next semester. Dr. Cullen...shit," she paused and bit her lip.

"Fuck Alice, I'm not going to freak out because you say the name Cullen. Give me a little credit," I said, glaring at her.

"Tell me what it was like," Alice said leaning back against me.

"What?"

She took a deep breath. "What it was like to love him, but be with me."

I groaned. "What? Why?"

"We never talked about it."

I snorted. "Yeah, well, you were pretty pissed and hurt when you finally found out."

"I think I always knew I only had you for a short time and really, I never did have you," she closed her eyes. "He always had you."

I sighed and took her hand in mine. "I never meant for you to get hurt. I did love you."

"Yes, but I just wasn't enough," she said sadly.

"It wasn't that. The love I felt for you was different."

She chuckled. "Yeah, more like I was your sister."

"Fuck you, Alice," I snorted.

"Ya know, for awhile, I thought it was my fault, that maybe I turned you off of girls."

"Oh fuckin' A, it doesn't work like that," I said.

"Yeah, I know, but I really loved you."

"You have to know, I wanted to love you. I tried to love you, but you were right, it was always him."

"When did you notice him."

"Alice enough, I really don't want to talk about this. Ever since I came back here, it's...fuck...it's overwhelming. I actually thought I had started to put some of this shit behind me, but then I come back her and I remember everything," I hissed.

"It might help ya know...to talk," she said.

"Everyone says that. Maybe I just want to fucking forget the whole thing ever happened," I sneered.

"Okay," she held her hands up in mock surrender. "So, what can we talk about...um, you seeing anyone?"

"I don't really do the whole fucked up relationship scene."

"Huh,"she said, pursing her lips at me. "So, what do you do. I mean instead of the fucked up relationship scene," she asked sarcastically.

"Don't ask questions you don't really want to know the answers to," I growled.

"Why haven't you asked about him," she spat.

"Because I don't give a fuck where he is, what he's doing or who he's fucking," I shouted.

Alice furrowed her brow at me, shooting me a fucking killer glare. "You sure fucking yell a lot for someone who doesn't give a shit."

"Seriously, Alice! Why do you want me to ask about him? God dammit, Alice," I paused and pressed my hands against my temples.

"Jasper," she said.

"No," I interrupted her. "Fuck Alice...You were there...you remember what happened. Christ! Do you think I want to hear how happy he is with Bella. I can about imagine. I'm sure he has a fantastic job, has a couple of fucking perfect kids and a goddamn dog. He probably lives in a fucking giant house with a stupid white picket fence. I don't give a shit," I shouted.

"Jasper..."

"Alice, I'm warning you. I will toss your skinny little ass out on the porch if you continue to talk about this crap."

Alice stood up, her golden eyes staring into my soul. "I'm going up to check on your mother," she huffed. "And just so you know, Edward doesn't have any of that shit."

* * *

**Fuck...writing this story wears me out...Thanks again to everyone who reviewed, recommended and favorited this story. I promise I do read all the reviews and this week I'm gonna try to respond to them. I think I need to go watch a funny movie or have a drink...Until next week...I'm OUT...XoX Drizl **


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello, Smutty Sinday...Ya know some more really smoking hot pictures of Jackson were released this week and if you haven't seen them...I mean seriously facking hunt them down. Google Troix Magazine photo shoot...They are so good I could have used them as an excuse for not getting this chapter out on time...to busy drooling...Ya see...they have me rambling...sorry...Um, I'm not S. Meyer, because I don't think she would be raving about pics of Jackson...plus we all know this is a slash fic...and there's slash loving in this chapter...rated MMmmmm...well, pretty much NC17 or Xxx or Whatever...so right...let's get to it then...Read On! **

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 10 **

**When the Night Comes**

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

_"No," I interrupted her. "Fuck Alice...You were there...you remember what happened. Christ! Do you think I want to hear how happy he is with Bella. I can about imagine. I'm sure he has a fantastic job, has a couple of fucking perfect kids and a goddamn dog. He probably lives in a fucking giant house with a stupid white picket fence. I don't give a shit," I shouted._

"_Jasper..."_

"_Alice, I'm warning you. I will toss your skinny little ass out on the porch if you continue to talk about this crap."_

_Alice stood up, her golden eyes staring into my soul. "I'm going up to check on your mother," she huffed. "And just so you know, Edward doesn't have any of that shit."_

She ran up the stairs before I could get another word out. What did she mean he doesn't have any of that shit? How could he not have that? Wasn't that what he wanted? My brain couldn't process this new information. Did I really want to ask the question and did I want to know the answers. I thought I already knew them.

I sat back down on the couch, resting my head against the back, staring up at the ceiling. I concentrated on breathing at a normal rate. I started to wonder what difference it would make if I did know what he was doing. It had been five years, a long time to harbor bad feelings. The sensible part of my brain was shrieking at me to ask the questions, get the answers and tuck everything away. My heart and the total unreasonable part of my brain was telling me that if did all that I would finally have to let him go.

Let him go. Most normal people would have moved on years ago. It's not like I hoped he would ever come back to me, because I knew he would never do that. He made his choice and he made it pretty fucking clear it wasn't me. I'd never been able to explain to anyone why I didn't move on, especially those who witnessed the fiasco.

I tried to move away from him. Well that's an understatement since I basically ran away from my life. I thought distance would help.

It didn't.

I dated, but I found I didn't trust anyone and I wasn't going to put my heart out there to get fucking torn apart again. Maybe I didn't even have a heart anymore. Fucking was easier. Sex with no strings attached was all I could handle. That didn't help either. It usually just made me remember and tortured me even more.

He had been my first real love. Fuck, he was my only love. After him, I didn't let anyone near the real me.

I picked up the guitar again and strummed a few chords, but noise from the doorway caught my attention.

"Hey Rosalie," I said.

"You didn't have to stop," she said. "You okay?"

"Does it look like it," I asked.

"No," she said flopping down next to me.

"You don't look so hot yourself." I eyed my sister, taking in her rumpled clothing and messy hair. The dark circles under her eyes looked jet black today.

"I'm fucking tired Jasper. I'm sick of all this shit and I feel guilty because I just want it to be over, but for it to be over..." her lip trembled and she looked away from me, covering her face with her hands.

I tried to swallow, but my mouth was still dried out from smoking. "I spent the morning with Mama. She told me..." I stopped when I noticed Rosalie's shoulders shaking violently. "Um never mind."

"I'm so fucking pissed at everything Jasper. This isn't supposed to be happening. You weren't supposed to run away and Mama isn't supposed to be dying. She's too young. Fuck," she shouted and stood up.

Her red rimmed eyes were filled with fire when she turned to face me. Oh shit, it was going to hit the fan. I knew I deserved it, but I was still stoned and fuck...

"God damn it, Jasper. You fucking suck. When I called you to tell you that Mama was sick, you should have been here, but no...you don't show up...fucker...when I got married to Emmett, who's also a friend of yours...you don't show up...asshole...when Mama had surgery you didn't even answer my calls!"

I hung my head and stared at the floor.

"You fucking look at me," she sobbed. "You're a selfish son-of-a-bitch."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled.

"And you think that makes everything okay." She was practically screeching at me now. "Jasper said he was sorry, Rosalie. Jasper has his reasons for not coming home, Rosalie. Jasper is trying to work some things out. Jasper, Jasper, Jasper. Sometimes I fucking hate you," she hissed and paced around the room, tugging at her blonde hair as she walked.

"You should hate me."

"Stop agreeing with everything I say. Fight back. Yell, shout...do something you fucker," she screamed.

"Why? Everything you say is the truth. I'm a fucking coward. I didn't even want to come back here now, but Alice told me I needed to do this for Mama. It's the last thing I'll ever be able to give her," I sighed. "I am sorry Rosalie. You have every right to hate me."

I shrugged, stood up and started walking out of the room, but she wasn't finished with me yet.

"You're not walking out on me again, Jasper Hale. You sit your bony ass down until I tell you I'm done," she growled, narrowing her eyes at me. "You fucking owe me."

She grabbed my wrist and led me back to the couch, shoving me down. I thought about fighting her, but it was easier to be a wuss and give in to my sister. I did owe her.

"Okay Rosalie, I'm all yours. You're right, I do owe you. I wasn't there for you when I should have been, but now I'm right here so do your best. Slap me, yell at me, spit on me, whatever..."

She wiped her eyes and stared at me for a few seconds. "Spit on you?"

"Uh, I was going to say punch me, but I've seen your right hook and I don't really want a black eye."

She raised her eyebrows and then dissolved into a fit of laughter. "Spit on you," she screamed. "I should, ya know. I should hock one up and let it fly. Better yet, I should call Emmett. I seem to recall hearing rumors about his spit at football practice. Fuckin' Jasper...making me laugh and talk about Emmett's spit...asshat."

She jumped on the couch, falling into my lap and hugging me. "I'm still mad, you cock sucker."

I snorted and Rosalie started laughing again. I pushed her off my lap and faced her. "I really am sorry and if I could I would change the past."

"Would you change everything?"

I looked up at the ceiling again. "I know what you're asking me and I can't answer that."

"Why, it's a simple question, Jasper."

"It's not a simple question, because I don't want to change everything. I fucking wish..." Now I was shouting. "This is stupid, because saying I wish I could change things doesn't do a damn thing. Can we talk about something else?"

"I didn't mean to push, but don't you think it's time to talk about him to someone. From what I can tell, you haven't moved on at all and Jasper, that's just kinda creepy. It's been five years."

"I know how long it's been," I snapped. "I thought we were going to talk about something else."

"Alright, Jeez, don't get your tighty-whities in a bunch."

"So now we're talking about underwear?" I chuckled and then sighed. "I spent the morning with Mama. She doesn't think it's going to be much longer."

Rosalie closed her eyes. "Yeah, she said that to me too."

I laced my fingers with hers, using my thumb to trace small circles across the top of her hand.

"She has everything planned ya know," Rosalie said, sounding defeated.

"Planned," I asked.

"Yeah, Alice has all the instructions for Mama's funeral. I think she's gonna ask you to sing something."

I ran my fingers through my hair. "Christ."

I leaned back, still clutching my sister's hand.

"We'll get through this Jaz," she said softly and laid her head against my shoulder. We stayed like that until Emmett walked into the room.

"You guys wanna go get some lunch," he asked.

"Hey baby," Rosalie said sweetly. "If I asked you to spit on someone, would you do it?"

"What the fuck kind of questions is that," Emmett asked.

"Well, would you have spit on Jasper if I asked. "

"What is this some weird game you guys are playing? I usually don't spit on people."

"You spit every time you open your mouth," I snarked.

"Watch it Jaz, or I will hock one up."

I shrunk back into the couch.

Rosalie laughed and they decided we should all go out for lunch. Time away would do everyone a world of good. I agreed to go along but I only if they let me shower first. They gave me a half hour to clean up and get back upstairs.

Alice had finished up with Mama and agreed to run to the diner as long as we didn't take to long. She had just given my mother some powerful pain killers and some shit to help her sleep. Between Alice and Rosalie shooting my death glares, I wasn't sure how I was going to get through this stupid meal, but finally Emmett shouted at both of them to knock it the fuck off or he and I were going to drop them at home and hit the bars. I thought that sounded like a great idea, but all it got me was another round of death stares. I shut the fuck up.

"God, that was fucking great food," I said, rubbing my gut as we walked back to the Jeep.

Rosalie was about to say something but she got a really weird look on her face. For some reason she shoved me toward the Jeep, pushing me to move faster.

"What the fuck, Rosa..." I froze when I saw the door of a silver Volvo open and Edward fucking Cullen stepped out into the parking lot.

I didn't know what to do.

Run? Kick his ass? Ignore him? Flip him off?

"What's wrong with you two," Alice asked and then she saw who we were staring at. "Fuck," she hissed.

"Get him in the car," Emmett said. By then Edward had looked up and I found myself staring into those pools of green. Time stopped and I lost myself. Was it sadness and regret that flickered in his eyes or was that what I was hoping to see. His brow furrowed and it almost looked like he wanted to say something, but then he dropped his head, shoved his hands in his pockets and stalked into the diner.

I don't remember the trip back to the house, because my dumb ass brain shoved me back into another memory.

**Five Years Ago**

**Senior Year, Forks **

_He let out a strangled cry and I felt his cock pulse against my hand, a small circle of warm wetness forming on his jeans. One more thrust into his hand and I was arching my back cuming into my fucking shorts again. If it wasn't for Edward's body pressed up against mine, I would have slid down to the floor. Edward had turned me into a pile of mush just by groping me._

_"Holy fuck," Edward said, leaning his forehead against mine._

_"Agreed," I said quietly._

_He slowly backed away from me, still panting, but never taking his eyes off mine._

_"You should...I'll just let you...erm...I'll be right out here," Edward said, turning a bright shade of crimson as he backed out the bathroom. His ears looked like they were on fire._

_I shook my head and let out a breath I hadn't even realized I was holding. After my shower, we were going to have to talk._

After Edward left the bathroom, I finally did manage to get my shit together and get in the shower. As I stood under the water, I started to wonder how long I could drag this shower out. There was no way I was getting out of this house without seeing Edward again...unless I climbed out the window. I chuckled as I dried off. That was a little fucking nuts, even for me.

I went to grab my jeans and t-shirt but they weren't where I left them. Instead there was a neatly folded pair of lounge pants and a clean t-shirt as well as a fresh pair of boxers.

Fuck. I was trying not to over analyze everything and panic all at the same time which was not very easy because my brain was on massive overdrive at the moment. I suppose I could just play stupid and see what all this meant. Surely Edward would say something when I left this bathroom. I was running out of things to do in here which meant I needed to go face him.

I towel-dried my hair, took a quick glance in the mirror as I ran a brush through the unruly locks and sighed.

"Fuck, it's just Edward for chrissakes," I muttered.

Edward was sitting on his bed freshly showered and changed, staring at me.

"Um, I hope you don't mind, but I called your mother and told her you'd be spending the night here."

My stomach did some weird swooping thing like I was on some roller coaster or something and it appeared I had forgotten how to speak English when some strange strangled noise came out of my throat. I turned my head and coughed a few times, pretending I swallowed wrong.

"C'mon Hale, get your shit together," I hissed to myself.

"Your mom said it was okay," Edward said quietly.

I raised an eyebrow. "You're pretty sure of yourself. Maybe I don't want to hang out with you."

He frowned and then looked away from me. If I didn't know better, I would have to say Edward was nervous and very unsure of himself. Not at all what I was used to with him.

"Oh, well, I can give you a ride home," he said softly.

And there was my way out of this awkward situation, laid out nicely in front of me. If I was smart I would take this opportunity and get the fuck out of here, because obviously my plan of staying away from Edward had failed miserably. Well, my plan was doing fine until he changed the rules.

"Jasper?" Edwards quiet voice interrupted my internal rantings and I looked up, meeting his soft green eyes begging me to stay.

Oh fuck.

"Edward, I was just kidding. Uh, I'll stay," I said.

WHAT? Did I just tell him I would stay and now it seemed that I was walking over to the bed and climbing over him to settle down for the evening. Edward fluffed his pillows and leaned back, flipping the television on.

I was confused again. Here we were sitting in bed, watching TV and **not** talking about what happened just a short time ago. I thumped my pillows trying to get comfortable when my leg brushed against Edward. He sucked in a breath through his teeth.

"Ya know I'm pretty beat, do you mind if we shut the TV off," Edward said quickly.

I wonder if Edward would buy me shouting out no don't turn the TV or the lights off. Leave them all on...I'm afraid of the dark.

But I kept my mouth shut and then it was dark and quiet and I was staring up into the dark, searching for any sign of light because I really wanted answers to my questions. I wanted to ask him what was going through his head because there was no way my brain was going to let me sleep. How could he be so calm? I mean we just fucking dry humped the shit out of each other...fucking twice.

I laid there grinding my teeth for another five minutes before I figured I needed to say something. I sat up and leaned over him, reaching for the light. Edward moaned and I forgot what the hell I was doing when he pulled me down on top of his chest. Well, fuck.

"Oh god Jasper," he groaned.

"Wait Ed...mmphff..."

My eyes fluttered shut when Edward ran his tongue over my lips, wetting them. I gave in and let my body relax as I settled down on his chest. After five minutes of heavy kissing and tongue action, I came up for air and flipped the light on. Edward's half-lidded, lust filled eyes stared back at me. I was in serious trouble.

"Please don't say anything Jasper," he pleaded.

I pushed up off him and moved back to my side of the bed. "You've got to give me something," I whispered.

He rolled on his side encouraging me to do the same. I watched as his hand splayed across my chest, coming to rest on my heart. I'm sure he could feel my heart pounding against my rib cage.

He squeezed his eyes shut. "I've never...fuck," he hissed and clenched his jaw. "No one has ever made me feel like you do."

He looked so fucking tense and unsure. I needed to reassure him that we were both in the same boat. I placed my hand over his. "You scare the shit out of me Edward Cullen."

He gave me a small lopsided smile and rolled over on top of me.

"So, can this be our secret," he asked, pinning me beneath him.

"Who the fuck am I going to tell," I asked, raising my eyebrow.

He snorted. "When the night comes, you're mine," he said and lowered his lips to capture mine again. This time it was soft and slow, with a lot of teasing and tasting. God he tasted so good and I couldn't get enough.

"Jaz, take your shirt off," he whispered as he licked my neck.

"You too," I croaked out.

He rolled off me, quickly sitting up and ripping his shirt over his head. The soft light from the small lamp made his skin glow. I had to touch it. I put both my hands on his bare chest, running them over his well muscled abs, across his pecs where I stopped to touch his nipples. Edward's mouth fell open as I pinched and rolled his nubs in my fingers.

"Oh God Jasper, please..."

Please? Please what? I had no idea what I was doing, but Edward definitely wanted something. Fuck it to hell. I was just going to follow my instincts. I pushed him back on the bed and crawled across him until I was straddling him. His hips jerked up jamming his erection against mine.

"Fuck," I hissed. Apparently we were back to this rutting thing again. What I really wanted to do was run my hands up his torso and then back down, ripping his pants off his body. I flushed at the thought.

"Please Jasper, touch me," he begged. He was thrusting up into me and his fingers were clawing at the elastic of my pants.

I looked down at the boy thrashing below me, mesmerized by the way his muscles moved. I put my hands on his shoulders settling him down, before I leaned forward and captured his mouth again. His lips parted and he grunted. I felt his arms go round me and he pulled me down on top of him. We stayed like that a few minutes before I couldn't take it anymore. Edward had been the one making all the moves until now. I didn't give a shit anymore. Where ever Edward's skin touched mine I burned and I right now I wanted to feel him everywhere.

Fuck it. Quit thinking so much or better yet, just allow my body to do the thinking.

I sat up and ran my hands up and down his chest a few times just enjoying the feel of his marble-like, sculpted muscles. "Lift up your ass, Edward," I growled. He did as I instructed. I slipped my fingers around his waistband and yanked his pants over his hips freeing his cock. I felt his fingers around my waistband and my pants sliding away from my body. I kicked them off.

I crawled up his body, settling down between his bare thighs.

"Holy fuck," we both shouted as our bodies came in full contact.

I was on fire, burning everywhere. Somehow Edward's hand was trapped between us and I could feel his fingers sliding down my dick.

Oh god, his touch was fucking with my mind and I was quickly losing control of the situation, but I had started this and I was going to finish it. I rolled to the side a bit, forcing his dick up against mine. I spit in my hand, brushed Edward's hand aside and took hold of both of our dicks. If I had taken a second to really think about what I was doing, I probably would have died of embarrassment or just dropped dead. I was touching another guy's dick and it made lights dance behind my eyelids, but the moment I touched him I didn't care anymore. I was doing this to him. I made him rock hard. I made him squirm and moan beneath me, so fuck it, fuck everything. I was going to do this. We were both leaking so much pre-cum that it made it easy to get a good rhythm going and fuck it felt good.

My mouth was hanging open and Edward was moaning and babbling to some God. Maybe I was the God, I wasn't sure.

"Oh fuck Edward," I panted. "Close."

This was going to be over very soon for me. I couldn't describe what I was feeling. My hand running over our shafts, seeing his face twist in pleasure. It was almost too much for me. I felt the tell tale signs of my release wash over me. My balls were tightening and heat was filling my abdomen rapidly. Edward was grunting and jerking his hips and I couldn't hold out any longer. A couple more strokes and I was screaming his name and dumping my cum in my hand and on his dick.

I knew Edward was close so I kept pumping adding a little more pressure to my strokes. I opened my eyes, watching as Edward's head lolled to the side and his eyes fluttered shut. I watched as he quit breathing, felt his muscles tighten and then his release came. His cock jerked in my hand and I felt the rush of his hot cum, spilling over my fingers and splattering on my dick. The feel and sight almost made me come again.

"Fuuhuck," Edward grunted.

I collapsed and rolled off him. He rolled over and reached under his bed, bringing out a container with baby wipes. He handed me a few and we each cleaned up our mess. I tossed his pants at him as I yanked mine back on. He shut the light off and I was thankful for the darkness. I laid down not sure what to do. Did we snuggle or just pass out? Do I say something to him? Fuck, this was worse than being with a girl. At least I knew they expected me to cuddle with them after.

"Jasper," Edward's voice cut through the darkness.

"Yeah?"

He wrapped his arm around me, pulling me up against him and hooking his leg around mine. He snuggled into my side.

"Is this okay?"

I wanted to laugh. Was he kidding? He was asking if he could snuggle up against me after I had his dick in my hand. Maybe I should have asked if I could touch him. Christ I sucked at this shit.

"Yes, Edward, it's fine."

His breathed washed over me shoulder. "Good," he mumbled.

I lay very still and soon Edward's breathing evened out indicating to me that he had fallen asleep. I tired to stay awake but I was so tired. I mean fuck, I had cum three times within the last few hours. I could think about what all this shit meant tomorrow. I settled down and fell asleep with Edward wrapped around me.

Fuck, I was in deep shit.

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington **

"Jasper," Alice said. "Jasper!"

"What?" I blinked a few times, letting the memory shift away as I focused on where I was and who I was with.

"You okay," she asked, sliding closer to me.

"I think so," I said.

Emmett pulled into the driveway, jumping out of the car almost before he put the thing in park. Rosalie followed, disappearing into the house before I even took a breath. I sighed.

"You sure you're okay, Jasper?"

I nodded. "I think it's time, Alice."

"Time for what," she asked snuggling into my side.

"Alice, um what did you mean when you said Edward didn't have the life I thought he, ya know...Fuck...Isn't he with Bella?"

She shoved her face into my chest and groaned. "Before we get into this shit, I need a shot or two of whiskey or whatever you have on hand."

We got out of the car and I followed behind her, wondering if I was really ready to hear this shit, but I'd set the wheels in motion and I wasn't about to apply the brakes.

* * *

*******throws confetti ~ yeah that would be my barely there outline that the boys just destroyed ~ **Ya know, I'm going to have to have a little talk with our boys because they keep screwing with me. I'm serious! THAT was NOT supposed to happen, but Edward whined and got his way so Jasper spent the night. Grumble...thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, alerted and whatever else there is to do. Thanks readers! Keep an author happy...push the review button! We're pretty easy to please! Hmmm, no music referenced in this chapter, but indirectly...I was listening to some Goo Goo Dolls mixed in with a little Lifehouse and some Pink...okay enough..shutting the fack up and going to ogle the Jackson photos again...Snort...I'm outta here...XoX Drizl 


	11. Just A Peek

**Surprise...Sometimes begging really does help...or maybe it's because I'm on Jackson overload. If you guys are reading Raw & Rosy you have got to check out Biel's video...Holy Feck! Go to YouTube and search Biel and find Raw And Rosy...Serious...it's hot...hell, even if you aren't reading that fic but are a fan of Jasper and Edward watch the video...or maybe I wrote this because this little fic was pimped on TwiSlash Unveiled and it made me giggle and squeeee really loud. But whatever the reason, I'm giving you an early post and just a little peek into Edward's head...it's not much so don't get too excited...Let's Read!**

**

* * *

**

**When the Night Comes**

**Just a Little Peek**

**Present Day**

**Forks, Washington **

**Edward's POV**

And there he was...

After five years, he was just a few hundred feet away from me.

That wild blond hair falling into his face, blocking those beautiful blue eyes from my view. I knew I had no right to look at him, but I couldn't help it and that was why I was hiding in some trees in his backyard like a fucking peeping tom. My dad told me Jasper had come home and I just needed to see him, to make sure.

To make sure what? To make sure the knife was still firmly implanted in his back? I was such a fucking dick. He hadn't been home for five fucking years because of me. I robbed his family of five years because I was a jackass and now he was home to say goodbye to his mother.

"What the fuck am I doing here," I hissed.

I shouldn't be here. This was personal, between Jasper and his mother and I was spying on them, intruding on their final days. Even though I knew they couldn't see me, I felt sick. I took another quick glance at him. The wind blew, ruffling his hair so I could see a red flush creep across his cheeks. Each breath I took was pure agony. My entire body ached. I turned away, but before I took a step, I heard his voice and I froze. What would a few more minutes hurt?

It was a little funny watching him light up a joint with his mama. I couldn't imagine sparking one up with Esme, but it wasn't like they were partying. I knew Susan Hale's story. My dad was one of her doctors and had made it his mission to help bring her comfort as the end neared. He told me smoking pot calmed her down and even increased her appetite. I was jolted out of my thoughts when Jasper's sweet laughter filled the air. His face lit up and I could almost see the sparkle in his eyes. God he was beautiful when he laughed.

How could I have been so stupid to let him go. I closed my eyes for a few minutes, needing to look away from him. Everything about him made my heart hurt and then to add to the torture, I heard the unmistakable first chords of a very familiar song. Each note stabbed at me, opening wounds I thought had long since closed.

I had to take a deep breath before I could actually look at him again. He had moved to the ground, sitting near his mother, playing my guitar and singing that blasted Tesla song. He was a bit skinny, but I could still see the definition of his muscles under the black shirt he was wearing. Muscles I used to freely run my hands over. I longed to touch him again, but I had made my choice and I gave up that right five years ago.

I let my eyes drift over his entire body. His long legs were crossed and he was cradling my guitar in his lap. Legs that used to wrap around my waist.

"Oh my fucking God," I moaned, closing my eyes again and letting go, just drowning in his voice. He could pull me anywhere when he sang. It was fucking golden.

Hearing him play was more than I was ready to deal with. I thought I would just catch a glimpse of him and be on my way, but this was overwhelming my senses. Memories were assaulting me from every direction and I was powerless to stop them. I staggered a bit and had to lean up against a tree to keep from falling into the dirt. The air around me felt like it was sitting on me, pushing against my body, driving me to my knees. I couldn't breathe. My fingers raked through my unruly hair. I was fighting a losing battle, trying to tuck the pain away. It wasn't supposed to hurt like this. I needed to get the fuck out of here, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. I was a thirsty man and he was my water.

I stared as he disappeared into the music, losing himself to the notes and words. I wondered what he was thinking about when he sang those old songs. Before I could stop it, a memory grabbed me by the balls and swept me away.

**Five Years Ago**

**Senior Year, Forks High**

Jasper Hale. I could think of nothing else but him. This guy comes to town and literally takes over my life. It was unnerving and something I was not used to. This was my town and I was always the one in charge, but this guy could make me come undone by looking at me. I didn't know if I liked it or hated it.

I must admit when I first heard murmurings about some star football player coming to town, I was excited. More and more people were talking about this kid and I had to meet him. We needed a quarterback to lead our team and I needed to see if this guy could live up to all the hype. And the cocky mother fucker surpassed all the gossip. But to me, he was much more than just a football player and I couldn't stay away from him. There was something about this guy that captured me from the moment I first saw him at his grandmother's funeral.

He was talking with Emmett McCarty when I first spotted him from across the yard of the church. He was hard to miss, wearing a black suit coat, white shirt, black dress pants and cowboy boots. I'd never in my life checked out a dude, but here I was drooling over the fit of his pants. And let me say, they fit him rather nicely, hugging all the right features. I wrote it all off though. I figured I was still drunk from the night before when Bella and I had been doing shots in her room until two in the morning.

I was hoping he would turn out to be some sort of asshole so my body and my head would quit fucking with me. I didn't need this shit, but of course, he turns out to be a nice guy who's fun to be around. And really nice looking. Did I mention that he fucking oozed sex. Right, I suppose I have, several times, but fuck, it was true. He was beautiful and I wanted him.

I nearly fucked up just a few days after I met him, but fuck, I couldn't get him out of my mind. We all went to a beach party where several shots of whiskey were involved and I lost my shit, tackling Jasper and letting my lips brush against his. My whole world exploded and I didn't know if it was ending or just beginning? A few minutes later and he has those beautiful red lips attached to Alice Brandon. I was so jealous I could barely see straight.

I was so freaked out I didn't talk to him for two days and that was really difficult, because we were having two-a-day practices for football. It's pretty hard to practice when the quarterback and the star wide receiver are not on speaking terms.

After that I made a vow to stay the fuck away from him, but goddammit, I failed miserably.

And now with daylight barely breaking, I woke to find him in my bed, curled up against me. He was laying on his side, facing me, with his leg wedged between mine. I brushed a few of the blond curls off his face. His full lips were slightly parted and a little swollen from a night of kissing.

I hadn't planned any of this. The phone call from my mother about did me in. I mean, asking me to give Jasper a massage. Did I really think I could touch him and not want more? So, really this was all my mother's fault. I'm sure she would be so proud of me for cheating on my girlfriend and fooling around with a boy.

Was that what this was? Just fooling around? Jasper stirred, shifting a bit so I could see his...yeah, I didn't give a fuck what my mother or anyone else thought at the moment. I covered my mouth with my hand blowing air into my palm, hoping I didn't have really bad morning breath.

Jasper muttered something and sighed, rolling away from me and onto his back. He mumbled again, thrashing a bit, until his hand came to rest on my thigh. I groaned, hoping to wake him but his breathing leveled out.

What was I going to do? I was sinking quickly. I'd never felt anything like this before. I mean I'd been with a couple boys but that was just experimenting with a few quick hand jobs and an occasional suck off.

This felt different and I hadn't even known him that long. I suppose that's what freaked me out the most. How could I have such intense feelings for someone I barely knew? With Jasper I wanted more and I wasn't exactly sure what that meant and it scared the shit out of me. Bella was supposed to be my future. My whole life had already been planned out. Finish high school, go to college, graduate, follow in my father's footsteps by going to medical school, get married, have children. I wouldn't be surprised if I was already penciled in on the schedule at the hospital my dad worked at. I'd never thought about any of this shit before, it was always just there and I knew it was my path to follow.

Jasper's hand twitched on my thigh again. Fuck the plan. Right now the only thing I wanted was to kiss those sweet red lips again.

I rolled closer to him, threading my fingers into his blond locks. His eye lids fluttered, slowly opening to reveal darkened blue eyes. He stared at me, biting his bottom lip. I reached up, cupping his chin, turning his face away so it exposed his throat. I dipped my head down to his shoulder. We never did put our t-shirts back on last night, so I had nothing but bare skin. I nipped and licked a path up to his ear, sucking on his ear lobe. Jasper let out a guttural moan which vibrated all the way down to my already rock hard dick. I trailed kisses back down his neck, licking and nipping as I moved down to his collar bone. I swear I could feel his heart beat against my lips.

His hands roamed my back until his fingers settled at the waist band of my pants. His movements were tentative as I felt his fingers sneak below the elastic, touching the dip right above my ass.

"Edward," he whispered hoarsely as my lips found his nipple. I licked around the hardening bud, making Jasper thrash underneath me.

"Mmmmm," I hummed and licked my way over to the other nipple. Jasper's was thrusting, trying to find any sort of friction. I looked down at the outline of his hardened cock straining against the fabric of his pajama pants.

"Fuck, Jaz, I need to touch you."

"Yeeessss," he hissed, thrusting his hips into the air again.

I was panting, gasping for air. Maybe it was the overabundance of oxygen in my brain that caused me to shove my hand down his pants and wrap my fingers around his fucking throbbing dick, but that's just what I did.

"Holy fuck, Edward," he choked out.

His dick was weeping in my hand, so I spread his pre-cum by sweeping my fingers through his slit and moving down the shaft. Jasper moaned. I was so turned on I could hardly see straight anymore.

"Edward...let me touch you too..."

He tried to open his eyes but they quickly fluttered shut when I increased the speed of my hand. I gripped him harder and he started thrusting back into my fist. It was a beautiful sight watching Jasper come undone. He stopped breathing and his back arched. I swear I could see the muscles in his abs tighten.

"Oh fuck..yes..." he said and then a bunch of nonsense spewed out of his mouth as I gave his cock one last tug. His body stiffened and he shot his load into my hand.

"Christ Edward," he said looking up at me. "Are you trying to kill me?"

I stared at him watching his eyes as they followed my hand. I took my dick out of my pants and smeared his cum all over my dick.

"Let me," he grunted and then it was my turn to moan and shout as Jasper ran his hand over my overheated shaft. Thinking about his cum on my dick and watching him work me was too much. It didn't take long before my balls were tingling and then I was shouting his name and spilling my seed in his hand.

**Present Day **

**Forks Washington**

"Holy fucking shit," I groaned. I quickly looked up to make sure Jasper hadn't heard me. He glanced toward where I was, but I'm pretty sure he didn't see anything.

I let the memory go. Here I was leaning against some fucking tree, panting like a teenager in heat. This had to rank up there as one of the dumber things I had done in my life and believe me, the list was long. I stumbled out of the trees and got into my car.

"Fucking hell," I murmured as I fought back another onslaught of feelings. A sob escaped my lips and I lowered my head, resting my forehead against the steering wheel. My hand clenched into a fist and I smashed it down on the dashboard.

How the hell could this still hurt so much? I fucking deserved all the pain and misery the world could lump on me. I had ruined everything and I didn't deserve to be happy, ever.

I started the car and my Ipod kicked into gear, playing some stupid fucking shit song. Who the fuck put this shit on here? I drove a few blocks before I had to pull over. I couldn't see the fucking road anymore. For the first time in five years, I cried for what I lost, for what I did, for him.

God I missed him.

'cause I would give everything that I own

_I'd give you my heart and this skin and these bones_

_The sun the moon the earth the sky I'd never even stopped to wonder why_

_I would do anything_

_I would give everything_

_To be your everything_

_**Everything ~ Stereo Fuse**_

_**

* * *

**_**Holy Shite...these angsty chapters...bleh...Anyway, it's really late...I hope you enjoyed this little foray into Edward's mind. I know it wasn't much, but I think it will shut Edward up for a bit. He was getting a bit loud in my head, demanding to be heard. So...er...let me know...And I'm outta here XoX Drizl **


	12. Chapter 12

**Aha, one day early posting! I hope I don't have to keep reminding everyone this is a rated M for Mature fiction...I mean really if ya haven't figured it out yet, then I'm not doing my job with the lemons...snort...Okay now that we have that under control...well...squeak...I admit I needed a kleenex to get through this chappie...**

**

* * *

When the Night Comes**

**Chapter 11**

_She shoved her face into my chest and groaned. "Before we get into this shit, I need a shot or two of whiskey or whatever you have on hand." _

_We got out of the car and I followed behind her, wondering if I was really ready to hear this shit, but I'd set the wheels in motion and I wasn't about to apply the brakes._

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

"Find a bottle and set up a few rounds, Jasper. I'm going to check on your mother first," Alice said as she walked up the stairs.

I dumped my jacket on the hall bench and headed into the kitchen. If there wasn't a bottle of liquor somewhere in this house I was going to run out and buy one or two. Hell, maybe we should all have our own bottle.

I wasn't sure if Emmett and Rosalie were going to join us for this wonderful conversation.

I dug through the kitchen cupboards until I found a bottle of Chivas. It wasn't my usual drink of choice but the bottle was almost full and it would do the trick.

"Chivas," I chuckled. My first experience with Chivas had been quite an evening.

**Five Years Ago**

**Senior Year, Forks High **

"Jaz, get your ass over here. We're ready to go," Alice shouted. I could hear glasses clinking in the kitchen and a lot of laughing.

After the football game on Friday night, Mama and Mrs. McCarty had taken off for Seattle, leaving me and Rosalie alone. What did she think we were going to do? I mean we won the game and right before they left, Mama pulled Rosalie and I aside and told us that if we were planning on drinking, that under no circumstances were we to get into a moving vehicle. We deciphered that as 'hey, you should have a party at our house,' so that's what we were doing.

The official party wasn't due to start for another forty five minutes. This was the pre-party warm-up for the host, hostess and their significant others. I walked into the kitchen and tried not to look at the one I really wanted to spend the evening with, but I wasn't ready to admit that out loud and Edward definitely wasn't ready to say anything. He could barely talk to me about our night time situation.

It had been two weeks since our little sleep-over activities and we hadn't been together that way again. I pretended it didn't bother me, because I didn't want to push Edward. And anyways I still wasn't sure how I felt about the whole matter. This was not the time to think about any of that shit.

I pulled a chair up and sat down next to Alice. She scooted closer to me, pushing her thigh up against mine. She set a filled shot glass in front of me. The amber liquid seemed to be smiling wickedly at me.

"So, what are we drinking tonight," I asked.

"Chivas," Bella squealed and tossed a shot back. Bella never ceased to amaze me, that girl could hold her liquor.

"I thought Chivas was supposed to be sipped," Edward said, as he slid next to me. His hand brushed my thigh and my body trembled.

Fucking hell. I tossed the shot back. I wasn't going to sip the shit. If I was going to make it through this evening I was going to need a good buzz. I refilled my glass and Rosalie eyed me when I threw another shot back, quickly refilling my glass.

"It's pretty early Jaz," Rosalie said.

"I can read a clock," I snapped.

"I'm just saying I'm not holding your head when your puking your guts out," she growled.

I ignored her comment. I'm sure she was referencing the infamous Jack incident before we moved to Forks. I think I'd been hungover for three days. I woke up on the floor of my bathroom covered in vomit and Rosalie had to clean it up before Mama busted us. I shuddered at the memory and decided that slowing down was probably a good idea.

I settled down and drank at a more leisurely pace since it was going to be a long night. Edward was still sitting next to me and Alice was on my other side pressed up against me. The side Edward was touching burned, while Alice just felt like a random body sitting next to me.

A few minutes later and the house was filled with kids, drinking and partying. Rosalie was running around trying to be a good hostess and keep the house in one piece. Alice had cornered me and was kissing the shit out of me and rubbing up against me like she was in heat or something. I tried to fake interest but I was doing a pretty crappy imitation of guy whose girlfriend was acting like she wanted to fuck.

Someone walked by and snorted. I opened my eyes and I was met with Edward's wild stare. His bright green eyes were almost black. I swear my dick lunged at him.

I tried to turn my pathetic attention back to Alice but then I heard someone strumming a guitar, probably my guitar, so I gently pushed Alice off me.

"Jaz," she whined.

"Hey, who's playing," I asked trying to look around her.

"Oh, I think that's Riley something or other. He's a sophomore," she said.

I started for the living room. "I'm gonna go check it out."

"But, Jaz," she looked at me with those big golden eyes and I felt a pang of remorse for doing this to her. I really did feel like I was leading her on, but I didn't know how to face that reality yet. I kinda liked living in my little dream world. It was easier than admitting I wanted to be with a guy.

"Look honey, let's go listen to some music and enjoy for a bit."

"Weren't you already enjoying yourself," she squeaked.

"Oh yeah, sure baby, but I there's so many people around here and I'm not into giving a free show."

She grumbled and waved me away, walking into the kitchen.

Emmett tossed me a beer when I walked into the room. "Rosalie said you play."

"A little," I smirked. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Edward watching me. I think Bella was latched onto his neck, but he wasn't paying any attention to her.

Emmett took the guitar from Riley and handed it to me, grinning like an idiot. I shooed a couple people off the couch and sat down. Edward had now rudely shoved Bella off his lap. She glared at him and stomped out of the room. Maybe she was going to find Alice. I didn't really care.

"So what do you guys wanna hear," I asked.

Rose piped up. "Play _I Dare You._"

I laughed and launched into the song, staring directly at Edward as I sang. The lyrics seemed fitting for what I was feeling at the moment. I wanted someone to push me, to dare me, so I could express what was hidden inside my heart. It scared the shit out of me, but fuck, sometimes when I thought about him and me it just seemed so right.

As I continued on with my set, more and more kids were wandering into the living room to listen. I saw Alice and Bella stumble in and lean up against the wall. Her golden eyes searched mine out and I gave her a little smile. She whispered something to Bella and they both looked over at Edward who was intensely staring at me as I sang. It was really hard to concentrate.

Finally after several songs, I excused myself to get a drink and take a well-deserved break. Riley grinned at me and told me I was really good. I laughed and patted him on the back. My fingers brushed against his, making his face flush. My eyebrows shot up and I quickly looked away from him. He wasn't a bad looking guy.

Fuck, now I was looking at another guy. This was getting out of control. I frowned and looked over at Edward. He was watching me with hardened eyes that flitted between Riley and me. I thought about talking to him, but Bella sauntered in and placed herself under his arm. This time I scowled at him.

He whispered something and she left, shrugging her shoulders. A moment later, she came back with Alice who was clearly very drunk. I shook my head and went over to see what was wrong.

"Hey ya baby. My my, you are really good, but you already know that," Alice slurred and tipped toward Bella. She grabbed Alice's arm and propped her up against me. Alice tried to grab at my crotch but I swung my hips away from her.

"I'm gonna have to take her home," Bella said. "We're hanging at my house tonight. Charlie's off looking for some missing campers or something like that."

"Oh, okay," I muttered. "Are you okay to drive?"

Bella nodded. "Yeah, I haven't had anything since we did those shots."

"Jazzy, take me to your room," Alice said, sliding her fingers around the waistband of my jeans.

"You're drunk honey. Not tonight," I said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"You are no fun Jasper Hale," she hissed. "Most guys would jump at the chance if I offered. What the hell is the matter with you? Is your dick broken or something."

What the hell brought this on?

"Bella, get her out of here before I say something I regret," I growled.

Edward put his hand on my arm.

"And what the fuck is the matter with you Cullen. You're always watching him or touching him," she spat.

We were starting to gather an audience. Bella put her hand over Alice's mouth, telling her to shut the fuck up. I shook my head and went to get another fucking beer.

I could hear Bella and Edward arguing in the hall.

Rosalie came up beside me. "What the fuck was that all about?"

"I have no idea? Can you get rid of everyone?"

She snickered. "Yeah, no problem."

It took Rosalie and Emmett about four minutes to clear the house out, including themselves. I wasn't sure if they went up to her room or if they went to Emmett's house. I didn't want to know or think about that shit because I knew what the hell they were going to be doing and she's my sister. Plus maybe I was a little jealous. I could see that Emmett was drowning in her and she had never been so happy in her entire life. It was a little sickening but I had to admit this Rosalie was better than the ice princess she used to be.

It had been a fucking long night. The fight with Alice had drained me and all I wanted to do was collapse and forget it happened.

I went to the living room, grabbed my guitar and headed downstairs to my room. Alice had been right when she said that Edward watched me and touched me a lot, but I searched him out and longed for his glances and his touches.

Jeezus fuck was I falling for this guy.

Seriously. I did not need this shit. I growled and set my guitar back in its case.

"You're really good Jasper."

My head snapped up.

"Edward," I gasped. "I thought you went home."

He was sitting on the end of my bed, running his fingers through that messy copper hair, wearing a black v-neck t-shirt with those low rise button flys looking really...fuck, I was thinking he looked smoking hot.

"Do you want me to go home," he asked quietly.

There was my out again, staring me in the face. It was simple enough. I could just say yes, please go home, but I'm wasn't thinking with the logical side of my brain. I don't think that part of my brain existed anymore when it came to Edward.

"Jasper?"

I allowed myself to look at him and shook my head side to side. I didn't dare speak. He let out a breath of air.

I knelt down in front of him, resting my hands on his thighs, closing my eyes. "What do you want from me," I whispered.

"Anything you'll give me," he said. My head fell back and I groaned. He was going to be my undoing.

He slid off the bed so he was kneeling right in front of me. "Can I touch you Jasper."

"Oh God yeessss," I hissed.

The moment his hand cupped my crotch and his lips touched mine, we were frantic. He stood up, pulling me to my feet, trying to get my belt undone.

"Jaz, I need you," Edward panted, still fumbling with my belt. "Too long, please."

I growled and yanked on his t-shirt, untucking it from his pants and trying to get it over his head. Our lips only parted when various pieces of clothing were being tossed aside.

Edward got my belt undone along with my pants, dragging them down over my hips so fast my boxers went with them. It shocked me when the cool air hit my overheated hard-on. Before I knew what was going on Edward pushed me back on the bed, crawled across my body and settled between my legs.

"Holy fuck, Edward," I croaked out.

"Mmmm," he hummed as he kissed my stomach, circling my belly button with his tongue. I squeaked when he dipped his tongue in for a quick taste. I could hear him chuckle. I rolled my eyes because he made me sound like a girl.

"Tell me if you want me to stop," Edward moaned.

I definitely didn't want him to stop, especially when his tongue touched the tip of my dick and his fingers wrapped around the base. My hips arched up off the bed and I may have screamed once. Okay twice...alright it was one long scream of ecstasy because fuck, his mouth was hot and wet. I dug my fingers into the blanket trying to resist the urge to thrust up into his mouth. I tried to open my eyes and watch Edward sucking me off, but even the thought made my balls tingle and I didn't want to cum quite yet.

Edward moaned. "You don't know how long I've wanted to blow you...Mmmmmm." His tongue slid into the slit and around the tip, teasing me. He did that a few times until I was whimpering with need. I was going to fucking explode. This time his mouth slide past the head and down my shaft, sucking harder as he moved down.

"Eh.. Fuhuckkk...Ed...move," I shouted, but he didn't and I emptied myself into his mouth. He didn't even gag. I was impressed. I felt like I was floating around the room, having some sort of an out of body experience. It took a few minutes before I came back down to earth, but I suddenly noticed how hard Edward still was when his cock brushed against my leg. I wanted to know what he tasted like, so I hooked my leg around his and flipped us over so I was on top of him.

I licked his neck, slowly moving down, kissing every part of his chest, ribs and finally his hip bones.

"Jasper, you don't...oh god that feels..." He didn't finish his sentence because I quickly pulled his pants and boxers down, releasing his hard cock. I stared at it. He was so hard it looked like it hurt. He was leaking pre-cum all over his stomach and I desperately wanted a taste so I swiped my tongue across the head.

Edward groaned.

Holyfuckingshit I just licked a guys dick and ya know, it wasn't bad.

"Um Edward," I rested my chin on his abdomen and looked up at him through my eyelashes.

"Yeah," he rasped.

"I've never done this before, so ya know, if I do something wrong..." I smiled slyly and slid my tongue down his shaft.

Edward didn't say anything that I could understand so I decided I must be doing something right. I licked back up and put my lips around the head, slowly taking as much of him as I could. I couldn't deep throat or anything like that. I think that shit takes practice, but judging by the sounds Edward was making, I think I was doing okay. I bobbed my head a little and he hissed through his teeth, thrashing his head side to side.

I sucked harder and moved my mouth a little faster. Edward's hands grabbed my hair and tried to pull me off him. He let out a strangled gasp, holding back. I used my free hand to shove him into the mattress, stilling his movements. He grunted and came in my mouth. The hot cum hit the back of my throat and I swallowed as fast as I could trying not to gag. I think I did pretty fucking good for an amateur.

I sucked one last time and Edward managed to finally twist his hips away from me. His spent dick came out of my mouth.

"Fucking hell, Jaz," he panted.

I couldn't fucking help it. He was just so cute that it made me burst out laughing. He rolled over and pinned me to the bed, grinning widely.

"Get off me you asshat. I'm fucking exhausted and a god damn mess," I said, laughing.

Edward smirked and jumped out of bed running to the bathroom.

"Nice ass Cullen," I shouted.

Edward came back carrying a couple wet washcloths and a towel. We cleaned up and I found some some clean boxers for us. I didn't really know what to expect but when Edward climbed into my bed, I followed him. I flipped the light off and settled down, falling asleep sated and happy. After all it was night time and when it was night, he was mine and I was his.

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

Fuck, all these memories were trying to devour me. I really didn't know how much I loved him until he was no longer a part of my life. I let my head drop to the table. Would I ever get over him?

"Jaz," Alice yelled from the top of the stairs. My head snapped up and my eyes refocused when I heard her voice.

"Yeah?"

"Call Dr. Cullen."

My stomach lurched. I went to the stairwell, staring up at her. Her face was drawn and very pale.

"What's wrong?"

"She's in a lot of pain and having a bit of a problem breathing."

I closed my eyes, swallowing the lump that was forming in my throat. I pulled out my cell phone and Alice fired off the number. Carlisle answered on the first ring and I repeated what Alice told me.

"He's on his way over," I said, jamming the cell phone back in my pocket.

"You should go find Rosalie."

All the blood was draining out of my body when she said those words.

"Alice." My voice was small and strained and I could feel the panic rising up in my chest.

She bit her lip and swallowed. "She isn't doing so well."

I had to grab the banister to keep from falling. I managed to slide down to the stairs and sit down.

"Jasper, please find Rosalie and then get up here," she said firmly.

I nodded and went to search the house for my sister. I found her sitting with Emmett outside in the back yard. They were wrapped around each other and the setting sun cast on eerie light around them. I cleared my throat and Emmett looked up at me. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and nodded. I suppose the look on my face gave it away. He whispered something to Rosalie, making her whip her head around.

"Alice...wants us upstairs," I choked out.

"Fuck," she hissed and jumped out of Emmett's embrace, running into the house. I stood rooted to the spot. I didn't know if I could do this. Everyone always says it's for the best when someone so sick passes away. She'll be free from the pain and I know it's true, but fuck, right now it just means she won't be here anymore. My chin dropped to my chest.

"Jasper," Emmett said. His hand was warm and heavy on my shoulder. I placed my hand over his and nodded.

It was time to face the music. I hadn't been around for five years, so now when my family needed me the most, I was going to be there.

Just as Emmett and I were walking into the kitchen Alice came around the corner. Her eyes were full of unshed tears.

"Bring the guitar," she said. "And hurry."

"Okay," I said turning to go to the living room.

"I'll get it. You go upstairs," Emmett said stiffly.

I ran up the stairs taking them three at a time. I shoved the door to Mama's room open. The glow of twilight filled the room. All the windows were thrown open making the curtains dance when the slightly chilly breeze blew.

Mama was reclined in her bed, leaning on a mountain of pillows with her eyes closed. I could still see the rise and fall of her chest, but I could hear how labored her breathing had become. I moved closer and knelt beside her bed, taking her hand in mine.

"Jasper," she whispered.

"Yeah, it's me and Rosalie is here too."

Rosalie had snuggled up next to me and placed her hand over top of mine and mama's. I wondered if this was the last time we would sit like this.

"I love you both," she said.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and stared up at the ceiling. "Mama, it's okay to let go. Rosalie and I will be fine."

Rosalie leaned into me, placing her head on my shoulder. I could feel her muscles contracting as she tried to hold her tears inside.

"Play me home baby boy," Mama said softly.

I patted Mama on the hand, gave Rosalie a kiss on the cheek and stood up on very unsteady legs. I didn't know how I was going to get through this shit without falling apart.

Emmett was standing in the doorway, holding the guitar.

"Susan's always loves when you play. We all do Jasper. You can do this," he said. He walked across the room, grabbed my hand and pulled me into a quick bear hug. He handed me the guitar and sighed, before turning away to walk out of the room.

"Emmett, please stay. You're my family too," Mama said. Emmett let out a large puff of air and joined his wife on the floor. Mama reached for his hand. "Take care of my daughter."

"Always," he choked out before he kissed her hand.

"And give Jasper a kick in the ass when he needs it. Don't let him run away again. He needs you as much as you need him. Promise me to look after my kids."

Before Emmett could answer her, she had another terrible coughing fit. It was several long minutes before she was able to get it under control.

"Play for me baby. I wanna hear that golden voice of yours one more time."

I sat at the edge of the bed, propping the guitar on my thigh. I swallowed hard and asked every Deity known to man to give me the strength to get through this moment. At first I didn't have a clue what to sing and then I decided it didn't matter.

I started strumming and just let the music take over. The first song I chose was_ I'm Sorry_ by Buckcherry. I was sorry. Sorry that I had let my anger and hurt rule my life. Sorry that I had let it interfere with spending time with my family. The wind blew the notes and my voice around the entire room, filling it with music. I played everything from John Denver to Incubus to The Beatles to Lifehouse to an Adam fucking Lambert song called Light Falls Away cuz it really is a beautiful song and right now the only in light in my life was falling away and plunging me into total darkness.

I barely noticed when Dr. Cullen came into the room, checking Mama's vitals and all the things she was hooked up to. I guess the pain had been so bad that Alice had convinced my mother to take some potent pain killers intravenously. Mama tugged at Carlisle's sleeve and he bent down so she could whisper in his ear. He patted her arm and started unhooking everything.

Fuck, I couldn't watch that shit so I moved back into the music, ignoring everything that was going on around me. If I thought about how close we were, how close Mama was, I wouldn't be able to play anymore. Death had literally moved into Mama's bedroom and taken a seat.

A few songs later, Rosalie rose up, kissed Mama on the forehead and walked over to me. She placed her hand on mine, stopping the movement of my fingers. She didn't have to say anything. I knew our mother was gone. Emmet walked over to Rosalie, slowly placing his arms around her shoulders. She shoved her face into his chest and sobbed.

I didn't even know that Carlisle had stayed in the room until he was hovering above me. "I'll give you a few minutes," he said quietly before he left the room.

I just nodded and turned away from everyone. I sat on the bed for a few minutes until I couldn't take the pressure that was building up in my chest. I took a deep breath and rose, walking over to the window. The breeze blew across my face and I could feel the sting of tears in my eyes. I squeezed them shut, trying to chase them away. I wasn't ready to cry yet.

I heard voices coming from outside. I looked down and saw Carlisle talking with someone. I closed my eyes again and felt a few traitorous tears slide down my face. I opened them again and watched the wind whip through the trees. Clouds were starting to fill the sky and cover the moon. Darkness was sweeping over our home.

The voices rose again. Carlisle was still talking to the man. I watched for a few minutes as Carlisle reached out and pulled the man into a hug. The man shook a bit and then backed away. The clouds moved and the light from the moon burst forth, highlighting both men. I felt my knees buckle and I had to grab the window sill as I watched the all too familiar gate as the taller man walked away. I would recognize the swing of those hips anywhere.

"Edward."

What the fuck was that bastard doing here? Had he fucking come to taunt me and torture me some more? Why did he come to my mother's house? I'm pretty sure the entire town knew when she took her final breath. In a small way the anger made me happy because I could focus on something else, but all too soon, the anger that had initially burst out of me retreated quickly. The sadness took over everything. I was drowning in sorrow and I didn't really give a fuck about Edward Cullen.

* * *

**Sigh...I don't really know what to say except I hope it was a good chapter...OoO the song list...I Dare You by Shinedown, I'm Sorry by Buckcherry, Poems, Prayers, Promises by John Denver, Yesterday by the Beatles, Light Falls Away by Adam Lambert, Love Hurts by Incubus and Everything by Lifehouse. Before I forget, thank you to all my readers. I didn't have a chance to reply to the comments this week because well, I wrote that extra Edward bit and then I had to work...work interferes with everything (flips the bird at real life) Also I want to give a special shout out to Ealasaid77 who rec'd this fic on TwiSlash Unveiled...I know some readers discovered this fic there so THANKS! See Ya Next Week..I'm out...XoX Drizl **


	13. Chapter 13

**Helloooo...I know it's early in the week and this is just a short chapter. More of a set up for the next chapter...Did ya see there's more photos from Jackson's Troix shoot...Oh my lord they are awesome! I'm not gonna repeat all the Slash and swear warnings because if you've been reading the story you should have figured it out by now...*grins* Okay enough with the author's notes...let's read...**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 12**

**When the Night Comes**

"_Edward." _

_What the fuck was that bastard doing here? Had he fucking come to taunt me and torture me some more? Why did he come to my mother's house? I'm pretty sure the entire town knew when she took her final breath. In a small way the anger made me happy because I could focus on something else, but all too soon, the anger that had initially burst out of me retreated quickly. The sadness took over everything. I was drowning in sorrow and I didn't really give a fuck about Edward Cullen._

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington **

The rest of the night was a blur of people coming and going and the phone ringing off the hook. Man, I had forgotten how fast word traveled in this small town and that everyone thought they were entitled to know everything that was going on. I had gotten used to being anonymous and I sorta liked it that way, but here in Forks that was impossible.

Emmett's mom stopped by with food and tried to get us to eat, but I could barely swallow my spit let alone food. Finally at about four in the morning it was quiet. Alice, Rosalie, me and Emmett were sitting around the kitchen table. Emmett reached for the bottle of Chivas and poured us all shots. We all clinked glasses and stared at each other, not really knowing what to say.

I broke the silence. "To family," I said raising my glass again.

"To family," they repeated. We all tossed back the drink.

Alice cleared her throat. "I don't know if this is the right time. To tell you the truth, I don't think there will ever be a right time, but these are for you guys."

She reached into her jacket pocket and tossed us each an envelope. I flipped mine over and saw my name written on the front in my mother's handwriting.

Rosalie grabbed the bottle and took a swig, handing it off to Emmett who did the same. Emmett then ripped his letter open, quickly reading it. He got a funny look on his face, shook his head and grinned a little, then stuffed the letter in his back pocket.

Rosalie snorted. "Well?"

He raised his eyebrows. "Well what?"

Rosalie punched him on the arm. "What's it say?"

"Oh no, that's between me and Susan. Read your own letter," Emmett huffed.

Rosalie frowned. "Fine, be that way. I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is going to suck and I need some rest. I'm taking the goddamn phone off the hook too."

Rosalie picked up the Chivas and took another swallow, grimacing as the alcohol made its way down her throat.

"Try to get some sleep, okay," she said as she leaned over and kissed me on the head.

"Wait, Rosalie," I said, standing up. She turned and I didn't give her a chance to run away. I pulled her into my arms and hugged the stuffing out of my twin sister. She stiffened but after a few seconds she relaxed and hugged me back. I could feel her tears soaking my shoulder. She sniffled and stepped away from me. I gave her my patented lopsided grin.

"You're such an asshat, Jasper" she hissed, fighting against smiling.

"Well, thank you ma'am," I drawled, bringing out my best Texas accent. "I do my best."

"See that he gets some sleep," she said to Alice and then she was gone, heading up the stairs with Emmett trailing behind her. For some odd reason I wondered what my mother wrote to Emmett.

Alice filled her glass again. "I can't believe..." he voice drifted off and she picked up the glass, tossed her head back and slammed the liquor down.

"You okay," I asked, unsure what to expect from her.

"Not really. I've been with your mother for a long time Jasper."

I sighed. "Alice, thank you. "

I know it was simple, but I really didn't know what else to say to her. it didn't seem like enough but for now, it would have to do.

"Your welcome," she said softly.

We sat in silence for a few moments, lost in our own thoughts.

"I suppose I should open this," I said quietly, fiddling with the letter.

"Yes, she wrote it hoping you would read it," she chuckled. "And if you refused, I was supposed to sit on you and read it out loud."

"Scoot over here," I said. Alice smiled and moved her chair next to me. "I'm not really good at facing things. I'm used to running away."

"So let's change that," she said. She grabbed my forearm and gave it a squeeze. "Open the letter, Jaz."

_My dearest Jasper, _

_First of all, I want you to know that I love you baby boy and even though I'm not physically with you, I will always be a part of you as long as you carry my memory in your heart. _

_You know I never wanted to leave you or your sister this early. I would have given anything to be able to stay with you. I know times have been tough for you and that you feel lost. I can't help you find your way, but I can give you a small bit of advice and maybe point you in the right direction. It may sound simple but it's the truth. Don't live with regrets, they only come back to bite you in the ass. _

_I've been thinking about our conversation the other day and what I said was the cold, hard truth. it really was good advice, so I'm going to write it down for you. I can't remember shit if I don't put it on paper. _

_Don't leave anything on your list baby, because you never know when your time is up. Live the life you want; not the one everyone thinks you should be living. If you really think about things, settling isn't really living. _

_Take the chance. _

_You are a good man, Jasper and no matter what you choose to do with your life, you will always be my golden boy. Stay true to yourself and love with all your heart. It may get broken a few times, but in the long run, it will have been worth it. I promise. _

_All my love, _

_Mama_

_PS Alice has another letter for you, but she will decide when you are ready to read it. _

"There's another fucking letter?"

"Two more actually," Alice stated.

"I'm not even going to ask," I said, shaking my head.

"You should get some rest," Alice said, looking at the clock on the kitchen wall.

"I'm not drunk enough to sleep yet," I said, filling my glass up again. "Maybe we should talk, ya know, about things."

She set her glass on the table. "Fuck Jaz, you can't even say his name. How can you think you're ready to talk about it."

"Fine, I want to know about Edward. Why was he here when my mother passed away? Why is he in Forks at all? Where the hell is Bella..."

Alice held her hands up. "One thing at a time Jasper. You need to settle down a bit."

The door bell rang and both Alice and I looked at each other, a bit surprised. Who would be coming over at five in the morning? The door bell rang again and then there was knocking.

Alice pushed herself away from the table. "Well, whoever it is seems to think we are going to answer the door. Do you want me to make them go away?"

"Alice, my big bad protector," I swooned.

The person knocked again. They were not going to give up, so Alice and I stumbled to the door. I flung it open, not even checking to see if I should open it.

Alice gasped, her eyes going wide. Me, I'm not sure what happened. I kinda lost touch with reality for a few seconds. I felt like I was suspended in time with nothing moving forward or backward.

I put my hand up against the door frame, trying to remain upright. Physically he didn't look much different from the last time I saw him. He was a bit thinner and if you can believe it, more pale. His copper hair was a little shorter on the sides but still as wild as ever. But it was his eyes that drew me. They weren't the same vibrant green, dazzling eyes I remembered. Instead they were flat and the dark shadows under them only made him look haunted.

He shoulders were rounded and he had his hands jammed into his jeans that hung so low on his hips I'm sure with one hard pull, I could have had them pooling at his ankles.

"I..." he stuttered and looked at Alice.

"What the fuck do you want Edward," I asked quietly, closing my eyes.

"I-I was wondering if I could talk to you."

"No," I stated still keeping my eyes closed. It was easier not looking at him.

Alice hissed and clawed at my arm.

"Oh..uh, why," he asked. His voice was so soft I could barely make out the words.

I groaned. "Fuck. My mother just passed away, but I'm sure you already know that. I'm not ready to talk to you. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to talk to you and frankly, I don't think you deserve to talk to me." My voice was starting to rise. "It's been five fucking years, Edward and you're asking me why I don't want to talk to you? You never even tried to contact me. You went on with your life while I fucking...jesus christ," I hissed and opened my eyes, staring directly at him.

I needed to step back and away from him. I could feel the anger rising, fighting to come out. I wanted to punch the son-of-a-bitch in the face. I thought that if I ever saw him again, he would have his cocky smirk on his face and it would make me want to wipe it away. But this man who stood in front of me didn't have that smirk and that kinda pissed me off more. He had no right to look upset; this had been his choice. He didn't choose me, so fuck him.

"You're wrong," he said strongly.

"What the fuck are you talking about Cullen." I pressed my palms against my temples. My brain felt like it was about to explode out of my skull.

"I wanted to, but I didn't know where you were and Rosalie wouldn't tell me. No one would tell me. And your mother told me...I...I...fuck..."

He paused, shaking his head, turned on his heel and then disappeared into the darkness. I heard the click of the front door and it sounded exactly the same way it did the night he walked out on me. I felt what was left of my heart shatter. My breath was coming in short gasps and my eyes were going out of focus. Maybe I was dying. I slid down the wall to the floor, drawing my knees to my chest.

"Oh my fuck, it's been five fucking years, get over it," I chastised myself.

Alice joined me on the floor, patting me knee. "Jasper, I can see that we really do need to talk. It's time you heard the whole story. You need to know what happened after you left town," Alice said.

I looked at her. "Why?"

"Why what," she asked.

"Why are you still my friend after all that happened? Why do you think he deserves another chance...just why?" Her eyebrows disappeared into her bangs. "Don't give me that look Alice, I can almost hear the gears grinding in your head."

"Whether or not Edward deserves another chance is not up to me; that's all on your shoulders, but I do think you need to hear the whole story. As for me, we put that issue to bed already. I put it to rest five years ago, I just never said it to you."

We were interrupted when we heard a loud thump on the porch. "Now who the fuck is here?"

When no one rang the bell I went to see what had made that noise. I ripped open the door not really knowing what to expect, but the porch was empty. I stepped forward and almost fell over a large cardboard box. I bent down to pick it up. "Fucking heavy," I grunted.

I brought it into the dining room and set it on the table. I lifted the lid and gasped, sinking into a chair.

"What the fuck?"

The goddamn box was filled with journals. I flipped one open and recognized the handwriting immediately. They were Edward's journals. That little fucker always had one of those tablets tucked in his bag or under his arm. He even kept one in his car. I slammed the lid back on the box. I should just walk away, leave it be. I didn't want that fucking demon torturing me anymore. I didn't need the asshole. Five years. I didn't want to know. It was over, so none of that shit mattered. Right?

"Fuck," I yelled, grabbed the nearest thing and chucked it against the wall. The vase shattered.

"What the hell was that," Rosalie shouted. I heard her footsteps as she came thundering down the stairs. She skidded to a stop when she saw my face.

"What's wrong," she asked.

"Edward was here," Alice answered.

"Fuck Jasper, you can't keep letting him do this to you." She reached for my arm and pulled me into a hug. "What's in the box." I buried my head in the crook of her neck. "Jaz?"

"They're journals, Rosalie...from Edward."

"Really? Gawd, he was always scribbling in them. Have you looked at them?"

"No."

I sank back into the chair and held my head in my hands. I didn't think I could take much more of this shit. I needed to get the fuck out of Forks before it totally destroyed me.

* * *

**Uh, uh, uh, Jasper sweetie we are not going to let you run away again. I decided to post this chapter because the next chapter will be the journals...I'm still shooting for a Sunday update, but I have a Real Life writer's conference this weekend...I'm sure I'll get it done, because this story is totally owning my ass...but just in case I'm a few days late...Anyways...welcome to all the new readers and thanks for the reviews...keep 'em coming...um, please...until Sunday then...I'm out...XoX Drizl **


	14. Chapter 14

**Good Evening or Morning or Afternoon...guess it depends on where you are reading this from...A quick thanks to everyone who is reading this little Slashy Angsty fic. Thanks for the comments. I didn't get a chance to answer them, but I do read them and they feed the writing monster that lives in me...You really don't know how important they are to me...bleh sorry for being so emo and shizz...let's just read...**

* * *

**Chapter 13**

**When the Night Comes**

"_They're journals, Rosalie...from Edward." _

"_Really? Gawd, he was always scribbling in them. Have you looked at them?" _

"_No." _

_I sank back into the chair and held my head in my hands. I didn't think I could take much more of this shit. I needed to get the fuck out of Forks before it totally destroyed me. _

**Present Day**

**Forks, Washington**

Alice came up behind me and started massaging my shoulders. I sighed and let my head fall back against her. Rosalie and Alice were whispering. All I heard was Alice tell her that she would take care of me. I wanted to shout that I was a grown man and I could take care of myself. Yeah, because I'd done such a damn good job of that so far. I told my subconscious to fuck off.

"You should get some sleep," Alice whispered in my ear, still rubbing my shoulders.

"Uh, don't think so." I grimaced and shook her hands off my shoulder. I stood up and walked around the table, stalking the box. I swear it was taunting me. I was close to stepping off the deep end. So much had happened in the last twenty four hours and I really needed more booze or a giant joint to get through all this shit.

I took a deep breath and removed the lid from the box. The journals stared back at me. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why Edward Cullen wanted me to see his journals. Were they going to be filled with words of victory for breaking me? Words of self disgust for what we did together? I didn't know if I could handle that sort of shit, because I thought what we had was beautiful. I really truly believed he was my forever. Too bad forever was so fucking short.

I could feel Alice watching me, gauging my reactions. She backed away to the far corner of the room and sat down.

"I'll be right here, Jasper," she whispered.

I opened the first journal and stared at his handwriting. I swallowed hard and focused on the words.

_**August **_

_**Senior Year, Forks High**_

_There have been rumblings around town about some fresh blood moving to town. Word on the street has pegged this new guy as the savior for the Forks high football program. We need a new quarterback but can this guy back up the gossip. Bella and my mom were on me again about getting those college forms in the fucking mail. They have my whole life planned out and it's starting to piss me off a bit. _

_So I did some web searching and found out some information on this new guy. Jasper Hale. On paper, he really is a stellar quarterback. I find myself looking forward to meeting him. The family should be in town tomorrow. _

_His back was turned to me at first. I could see Emmett McCarty standing with Jasper's sister, talking to him. We were standing outside the church where the funeral service for his grandmother had just been held. He was tall, not overly muscular. A wild mop of wavy blond hair covered his head. I wondered what color his eyes were? My guess would be a bright sparkling blue. He was wearing black dress pants, a black coat and I think he had on cowboy boots. It surprised me because I seriously think I was checking this guy out and not as a football player. Alright, I was fucking drooling over this guy and the fit of his dress pants. I must still be fucking drunk. Bella and I did some serious damage last night. _

_When he turned toward me, I knew he had me. His eyes followed my movements as I walked toward him. He looked a bit uncomfortable as he tugged at his suit jacket. I introduced myself and fell headlong into his blue eyes. Did I mention that he fucking oozed sex. God, he was beautiful and I wanted him and the thought scared the shit out of me. _

_Bella and my mom won't drop the college shit. I swear they've already planned the fucking wedding out. Why don't they ever ask me what I want? _

_It's two days before day one of Senior Year...There's a huge party down at the beach tonight and everyone is going. McCarty is picking me and Bella up. I think Emmett has hooked up with Jasper's sister so it should be an interesting evening for everyone. Bella's bringing a bottle of Jack to start the party off right. More after the party._

_Holy fuck...Just stumbled in from the party. I had to tell Bella to get lost. I needed to be alone tonight. I'm fucking drunk as shit and I may have screwed up everything between Jaz and me, but I fucking couldn't help myself. I didn't mean for it to happen but it was a moment I will never forget. The minute my lips brushed against his, I knew my life was changing forever. Be it good or bad, Jasper Hale owns me and once again it scares me to the core of my being. _

_...End of Journal Entry..._

I slammed the book shut, startling Alice. I think she had been half asleep.

"Jasper are you okay," Alice asked when I coughed.

"I'm not sure," I said, panting a bit.

"Maybe you should take a break," she said, sliding into my lap.

I put my arms around her waist, letting the journal slip from my fingers to the table. "No, I need to do this. I'll take everything downstairs and you can crawl into my bed. I mean, if you want to stay here."

"Honey, you really need to sleep," she said as she tucked a curl behind my ear.

"I can't. I need to read some of this shit."

"Is it helping?"

"I've only read the first few passages for August. He writes stuff that doesn't sound like it's coming from the boy I knew," I stammered.

"I'm not presuming to know what he wrote, but I think the words on the page are the real Edward," she said. "I'll help you get this stuff downstairs, but I really need to crash."

I shoved all the journals back in the box. "Alice, um, this may be totally out of line, but Mama's...oh fuck it...the pot...is there any left?"

Alice chuckled. "Yeah, I hid it before everyone came over here. I really don't think it was prescription shit."

"Holy fuck, Dr. Carlisle Cullen was buying smoke for Mama?" I couldn't help myself. I started laughing. Alice disappeared into the kitchen, shaking her head. She deposited what was left of the weed on top of the box of journals and we headed for the basement.

Alice stopped at the bottom of the stairs and I ran into her with the box. "

"What's wrong," I asked.

"I haven't been down here since that night that we tried to..." she paused and took a deep breath. "This is so stupid," she mumbled. "I haven't been down here since we tried to have sex and you finally fessed up and told me what was going on with you and Edward."

"Holy shit," I hissed.

"Why did you pretend so long?" She had every right to ask that fucking question.

"I kept thinking I could change, ya know, be the normal guy. It's what Edward wanted. I was his when the night came or when no one was around."

"That's kinda fucked up Jasper. When was he yours?"

I choked. "When was he mine..." I closed my eyes, letting the question sink into my thoughts. "I don't know...maybe never...god, that's so sad...I'm sorry Alice."

"I'm fine Jasper, it's just weird," she said. She stepped down and looked around. "It sorta closes the book on that part of my life and now it's your turn to shut down that part of your life too."

I dropped the box in front of the couch and opened my arms for her. She fell into me and sighed against my chest. "That night was so fucking humiliating."

"No, Jasper, you did the right thing. You could have fucked me and I wouldn't have been the wiser, but you were honest and I do appreciate that, even though I didn't see it that way at the time. I was seventeen and so in love with you. You broke my heart and I wanted to kill you."

"I am so sorry," I said, hanging my head.

"Quit apologizing Jasper. It's done and I've moved on. Now get me something to wear to bed. I'm gonna go clean up a little."

She smiled and went into the bathroom.

"Who have you moved on with," I teased. She rolled her eyes, slammed the door in my face and yelled that it wasn't any of my business.

I hunted around and found a pair of sweats and an old t-shirt for her to wear. I knocked on the bathroom door and she stuck her arm out, grabbing at what I handed her.

I went back to the box and grabbed the August journal again.

_**August **_

_**Senior Year, Forks High**_

_First day of Senior Year Morning ~ I can't believe I haven't talked to Jasper for two days, but I didn't know what to say. Fucking lame, I know. He didn't seem mad or upset about the beach incident, but I was scared he was going to call me a fag and out me to everyone for kissing him. He didn't really kiss me back. Not that I gave him much of a chance to return the kiss but barely five minutes later he was attached to Alice Brandon lips. Probably wanted to get the taste of me out of his mouth. I told him I was going to pick him up the first day of school. I haven't decided if I'm going to do it, but I suppose I need to talk to him. There's no way I can go a whole football season without talking to him. Fuck, I barely survived the last two days. _

_Evening ~ Well, the first day is in the bag. I got up the balls to pick Jasper up for school and I kinda apologized for the beach thing. I told him I had too much to drink and that it would never happen again. He seemed to buy it and we put the subject to bed. Too bad my body didn't understand. God I wanted to touch him. Jaz and I have a lot of classes together. Alice Brandon was being overly possessive of him, letting all the girls know that he was off limits. Too bad she didn't realize it wasn't just the girls who wanted him. Her show got under my skin a bit, but I had to hide what I was feeling. I tried to pay attention to Bella to get him off my mind. _

_Football practice was excruciating and that dumb fuck, Tyler Crowley nailed Jasper at the end of practice, slamming him hard into the ground. I knew he wasn't okay, but he didn't say anything. I weaseled my way into his date with Alice. Thank god, because I ended up having to take him to see dear old dad. By the time I got him to the hospital, he could barely move. _

_Dad gave Jasper a prescription and some instructions, telling him to take it easy tomorrow. I drove him home and helped him inside. Everything after that was a blur. My head wasn't working right. He was so close to me and in pain. I wanted nothing more than to take that hurt away from him. I brought him to his room with every intention of leaving immediately, but something snapped and I had to touch him. I helped him to bed and that was it. I kissed him and this time, he kissed me back, yielding to me when I begged permission with my tongue. I soon found myself drowning in his taste. _

_After he fell asleep, I just held him. I didn't want to leave, but I wasn't ready to face the questions I'm sure he was going to ask. Letting go of him that night was one of the hardest things I had ever done. _

_...End Journal Entry..._

I couldn't believe this shit. Why didn't he just tell me what the fuck was going on in his head. We could have dealt with this shit together. I always felt like I was fumbling around in the dark with him. I obviously didn't know him at all.

I set the book down and paced around the room a few times. I finally stopped when one of the clippings on the wall caught my eye. I grabbed the framed newspaper article off the wall, staring at it. It was a picture of Edward and me after the state championship game. The ball was tucked under Edward's right arm and he had his left hand resting on my shoulder pads. He was smiling and I was laughing. To an outsider it just seemed like we were great friends, celebrating our victory. But there was so much more behind that picture.

**Five Years Ago**

**Senior Year, Forks High**

It was three days before the final game of the football season. We had managed to go unbeaten and were now in the state championship game. I think the entire town was traveling to Seattle to see the game. It was the first time in the history of Forks High that the team was competing for a state title.

Everyone was crediting me and Edward for the stellar season. I kept telling them it was the whole team. Edward and I could not carry an entire football team. If we didn't have a defense or an offensive line or a kicker...well, you get the point. It was not just me and him out there on the field.

Edward and I were hanging out in his room. I was studying and Edward was scratching in that fucking journal of his. I guess you could say we were hiding from everyone. It's not that I minded the attention, it was just getting old and we both needed some quiet time.

"What are you writing," I asked, tossing my history book aside.

Edward kept writing and ignored me until I tried to grab the journal away from him.

"Nothing," he snorted, holding the book out of my reach.

I rolled my eyes. "If it's nothing, then why can't I see it."

"Fuck, Jaz, it's just my thoughts and stuff. Nothing important," he said, closing the book and stuffing it in his backpack.

"You're such a girl, Cullen," I chuckled.

He narrowed his eyes and lunged at me, grabbing me around my waist and dragging me to the floor.

"Ooof, get off me you fucking asshat," I roared.

"Take it back, Hale. I am not a fucking girl," he hissed and pinned my hands over my head. I rolled my hips, trying to buck him off me. Edward grunted and my eyes widened when I felt his erection press into my thigh. I froze.

Edward hovered above me, staring, chest heaving. I was trying to remain calm, but it wasn't working, especially when Edward licked his lips and slowly slid down my body until he was stretched out on top of me. He eased apart my legs with his knees and settled between them. I could feel his cock pulsing through his pants. I closed my eyes and thrust my hardening cock up against him which caused both of us to moan.

He released my wrists and flattened his hands, running them down my arms, across my chest and tugged my shirt out of my pants. I gasped when his fingers touched my bare flesh. My hands went to his hair, pulling down until his lips came to rest on mine. I groaned into his mouth and dipped my tongue in, tasting him.

"Bed," Edward grunted. He rolled off me, standing up and holding out his hand for me to take. When I was on my feet, he slipped his fingers into the belt loops of my jeans and yanked me to him, pressing his body against mine. I'm sure he could feel my heart pounding out of my chest.

His mouth was on mine again, devouring me. Our tongues tangled and danced, fighting for dominance. I don't know who was winning and really, I didn't give a fuck. I think I was whimpering with need by the time I felt him fumbling with the zipper on my jeans. Fuck, I needed him to touch me.

"Please, fuck, please," I begged.

I was having my own fight with the buttons of his jeans. Finally I managed to get them to release and I yanked his pants down along with his boxers. I felt the zipper on my pants come down and then everything was around my knees. I managed to kick them off before we fell over on the bed.

My body felt like it was on fire. Things were always so fucking intense when Edward touched me and thank god, he didn't waste any time now. Before I could even touch him, his mouth had surrounded my cock. I arched up into him, desperately gripping the bedding so I wouldn't jab my dick down his throat.

"Fuck," I hissed and Edward moaned with my dick in his mouth. My fucking eyes crossed.

I lifted my head and watched as my dick disappeared into Edward's mouth. God I wanted to watch him do that, but my eyes were not cooperating. They kept fluttering closed which sorta pissed me off because I really was enjoying watching those red lips sliding up and down my cock.

I let my fingers trail through Edward's hair. I was making all sorts of new noises and then I felt a new sensation. Edward was cupping my balls, rolling them around as he bobbed on my cock. His fingers moved from my sac to my hole. My virgin, untouched hole. I flinched when I felt his finger press against me.

Panic flooded my body. Did I want to panic right now? Did I want this? Was this the best time to be having this fucking conversation with myself?

Edward stopped and looked up at me through his long lashes, grinning around my dick like some evil little devil. My whole body shivered and I knew I was fucking doomed. He moved his hand away, reaching for something on the night stand. I heard it pop open and then his fingers were back and very slick with lube. He rubbed harder against my hole, pressing in more with each pass. His lips were still wrapped around my dick and I was starting to see white flashes of light every time that finger pushed harder on my hole and then everything went totally white when he slid that finger into me.

"Oh god," I screamed and my muscles shuddered from the initial shock of the intrusion. He started moving his finger and he hit something in me that set off the fireworks and I fucking came so hard, I thought I went blind for a few seconds.

"Holy fuck," I gasped, not daring to move. I could hear Edward laughing softly and when I was finally able to focus on him, he was sitting up, slowly stroking his dick. I couldn't look away. It was one of the hottest things I had ever seen in my fucking life. His head fell back and I watched how his fingers gripped his dick and the little twist of his wrist that he added on the up stroke.

I wanted to be the one that was doing that to him. I dove at him, pushing his hand away,quickly replacing it with my mouth.

"Oh yeah, Jaz, suck my dick," he moaned and I almost came again when my name flowed out of his mouth. I wanted to hear him chant Jaz over and over again. I sucked harder, taking as much of him in as I could. Edward was grunting and fighting to keep his hips still.

"Fuck my mouth Edward," I said. His eyes shot open and he stared at me. I gave him my 'I dare you' glare, raising an eyebrow at him. Never the one to turn down a challenge, he moaned and flopped back on the bed, grabbing my hair and thrusting up into my mouth. I stayed as still as possible as Edward fucked the hell out of my mouth and soon he was chanting my name like a prayer to the heavens.

Oh fuck, Jazzzz," he shouted. His dick pulsed and he let go of my hair, coming hard into my mouth. I did my best to swallow but some dribbled out of the corner of my mouth. Edward was staring at me as I flicked my tongue out and slurped up his come. He gasped and sat up, kissing me with such force, it felt like he was bruising my lips. It was the first time I tasted us. He slowed his kisses down, becoming more tender and my stomach gave a small lurch when he moaned my name again.

We fell back onto the pillows. Edward didn't let go of me, if anything he pulled me closer to him. He grabbed for a blanket and covered us. I could stay like this forever. Forever? What the fuck? Did this mean I had feelings for Edward? Not just feelings from great sex, but those stomach fluttering, stupid girlie feelings one has when they are falling in love. Oh holy fucking shit...

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

I leaped off the couch and ran into my bedroom.

"Holy fucking shit, Alice," I said, shaking her. "What was the date of the championship football game?"

"Wha...Why," she asked with a sleep heavy voice.

"Just...fuck...help me out here," I snapped. She sat up and rubbed her eyes, frowning at me.

"Gawd, Jasper, you're holding the fucking picture from the game. The date should be in the article," she groaned and fell back down on my pillow.

"Right, er sorry I woke you," I said, tugging at my hair.

I ran out of the bedroom. My breath was coming in fast bursts. In other words I was having a fucking panic attack.

I didn't realize Alice had padded out of the bedroom. I was frantically digging through the box, looking at the dates of the journals until I found the one I was looking for. I ran my fingers over the cover tracing the dates. Did I dare look? Did I want to know what he wrote about that night. Maybe he didn't write anything. If our encounters meant nothing to him then there probably wouldn't be much of an entry. Maybe just an asterisk to indicate his evening of conquest.

"Jasper," Alice said.

"What!" I practically shouted.

"Settle down before you give yourself a freaking heart attack."

I felt like I was going to puke. I couldn't do this sober. "Where the hell is that bag," I shouted. I dropped the journal and eyed the baggie. I could see a big fat doob already rolled and it was calling my fucking name. I jumped up and had the joint lit up before Alice could get my entire name out of her mouth.

"Jasper, that could make it worse ya know," she huffed at me.

"I doubt that anything could make this day worse."

She chuckled and hung her head. "God, I'm tired."

"Mmmhmmm," I said as I held the smoke in my lungs.

"So are you gonna tell me what has you so freaked out," she asked, biting her lip and trying to smooth out her wild spiky hair.

"It's just something I remembered that happened the week of the big game. Actually that whole week was pretty fucking eye-opening for me. It seems that Edward wrote about everything and I need to know..."

I looked away from her. This was a little fucking weird, talking to my ex-girlfriend who I was dating at the same time I was fooling around with a man. I don't think I really wanted to talk about my sexual experiences with her.

Her eyes widened and I swear I saw light bulbs flipping on over her head. I buried my face in my hands.

"Oh holy...was that...did you guys...holy fuck," she hissed. I watched as her face flushed. "What was it like?"

"Oh my fucking god, Alice, I am not talking about that with you."

"Why not," she whined. "I think I deserve to know since I was supposed to be your girlfriend at the time."

"Hey, quit using that guilt card on me."

"Is it working?"

I huffed. "Maybe."

"Well, then I'm pulling out the whole deck of cards and laying them on the table. It might make you feel better to talk about it."

"I doubt it. This is so stupid. It was five years ago and I'm having all these girl feelings and I don't know how to deal with all this shit. Maybe not knowing is better, because if I actually read that it never mattered to him..."

"Jaz," she interrupted me. "It mattered to him."

* * *

**Jeesh, this fic totally wears me out...Okay let me know if you could follow the journal entries along with the jumps to five years ago...or just give me some love...I ain't too proud to beg...snort...Hey, I just realized it's still Saturday in my world but what the hell, I'm just gonna post this chapter! Huh, there's a really good song playing right now called This is the Last Time by Keane...I may have to go download it...So, I guess until next week...I'm out...XoX Drizl **


	15. Chapter 15

**Feck...that was such a hard chapter to write. Sorry, I don't mean to complain, but Edward just wouldn't let me peek into his head. Maybe I was just messed up because those really hawt, I mean scorching hawt, new outtakes from RPattz's GQ shoot showed up...My gawd, how can you consider those outtakes (wiping up my drool) and I watched Dread this past week...it was fecking creepy but man, Jackson looked yummy enough to eat...bwahahahaha...er bad joke...you'll get it if you watch Dread...Jeesh let's just read!**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 14**

**When the Night Comes**

**Edward's POV**

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

Numb.

The only word that I could find in my once vast vocabulary that could describe what I was feeling at the moment. Maybe I had been a fool to go over to his house, but I didn't know what else to do. My main connection with him had passed away and I didn't even get to say goodbye to her. I guess I didn't realize just how much I needed some sort of contact with him, even if it was only to feel his disgust and hate. As odd as it may seem, after five years my body still craved his touch.

Not many people were up yet. The roads were almost deserted as I made my way to the park where I did most of my thinking whenever I was in this fucked up town. It was pretty stupid to want to sit outside when it was drizzling but it was like this almost every day. Besides I couldn't feel anything. I was a corpse.

I climbed out of my car, not even bothering to put up my hood. It was too much work to care. When I cared, I fucked things up.

God, my fucking chest hurt right now. Maybe I would catch pneumonia.

I sat down on a picnic table, jamming my hands into my sweatshirt pockets. I closed my eyes and pictured him in my mind. Those blue eyes that widened when he opened the door revealing me standing on his porch. I know I looked like shit, but I didn't care. I'd looked like shit for five years. I heard Alice gasp. I couldn't look at her because she warned me he wasn't ready for a face to face. I knew she was right, but the pull he was generating just by being in the same town as me was driving me mad.

My words left me again and all I could do was stutter like a fucking fool. All of a sudden I really didn't know what I was doing there. He had just lost his mother and I was the last person on this earth he probably wanted to see. I wanted to run away.

"What the fuck do you want Edward," he asked quietly, closing his eyes. I sort of wished he would have just slammed the door in my face.

"I-I was wondering if I could talk to you."

"No."

My chest constricted. He wouldn't even talk to me. I didn't have a prayer with him, but I guess I had expected nothing less. Somehow I managed to ask him why.

He groaned. "Fuck. My mother just passed away, but I'm sure you already know that. I'm not ready to talk to you. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to talk to you and frankly, I don't think you deserve to talk to me."

I ached to tell him I was sorry and that I knew I didn't deserve to even look at him.

"It's been five fucking years Edward and you're asking me why I don't want to talk to you? You never even tried to contact me. You went on with your life while I fucking...jesus christ.."

And then he opened his eyes and stared at me. I thought for one brief second that I saw something flash through his eyes, but I suppose it was my brain playing tricks on me. He hated me and he always would, but for some reason I couldn't just walk away. I was a glutton for punishment or stupid as hell.

"You're wrong," I snapped.

"What the fuck are you talking about Cullen?" He clutched his head, pressing against his temples.

"I wanted to, but I didn't know where you were and Rosalie wouldn't tell me. No one would tell me. And your mother told me...I...I...fuck..."

He didn't deserve to have this thrown in his face. Nothing I said would make it better and the thought made my blood run ice cold. I raced back to my car and without thinking, I grabbed the box of my journals. This was my peace offering so he would know and then he could move on with his life. He needed to hear that he had been worth it and I was just a stupid idiot that didn't see it at the time.

"Hey, Edward, what the fuck, man, it's raining."

I looked up and Emmett McCarty was standing in front of me. My eyes widened and I wondered if he was here to beat the shit out of me for bothering Jasper.

"Come on, let's get out of here," he said quietly. "I'm not sitting out in the rain and I've got to talk to you."

I stared at him for a few seconds. After high school, Emmett tried to talk to me, but I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone who was connected to Jasper. Rosalie finally told Emmett to leave it alone. It wasn't until three years later when I accidentally ran into Emmett here at this park. He was working out and I was hanging out, writing in my journal. He had just married Rosalie and I was home to clear my head and try to explain to Esme and Carlisle why I wasn't going to marry Bella.

Emmett being Emmett wouldn't leave me alone. After three days of him following me around and trying to get me to talk, I finally relented and opened my mouth. It took me two days before I finally got the balls up to ask about Jasper. That was how I learned that he had basically disappeared, leaving his family and friends behind. I knew I had hurt him, but I didn't know the extent. The guilt was overwhelming.

Emmett tried to convince me to come over to the house and visit with Susan Hale. I refused but Emmett of course, wouldn't let it be. I finally couldn't take him, so I gave in and let him drag me to meet with her. He told me she was expecting me. I couldn't understand why she wanted to talk to me. Emmett assured me Susan didn't want to kill me or cut my balls off, but he did say that he couldn't be sure what Rosalie would do if she got her hands on me.

"Edward, c'mon man, I'm getting wet and I have something for you, so let's go," he whined.

"Oh, right, um, sorry," I said and followed Emmett to his Jeep. He opened the door for me and pushed me into the passenger seat. There was a steaming hot cup of coffee in the cup holder.

"Just the way you like it, hot and black," Emmett chuckled and then sighed. "Are you doing okay?"

"I'm doing the best that I can," I said.

He was digging in his coat pocket. I watched as he pulled out an envelope with my name written on the outside. It was Susan's handwriting.

"She's still ordering me around," Emmett shook his head and handed me the letter. "I'm supposed to watch you read it and to tell you there are two other letters. I will decide when you are ready to read them."

My hands were shaking and I could barely tear open the envelope. I looked out the window for a few seconds trying to compose myself. The last thing I needed was to fall apart in front of Emmett McCarty.

_My dearest Edward, _

_Over the last few years, I have come to think of you as a very special friend. I enjoyed our time together and I want you to know you are not a bad person. You just made some bad choices. _

_So, even though I know you hate when I lecture you, I'm going to give you some simple words of advice. Don't live with regrets. It's time to start living. Don't leave anything on your list, because you never know when your time is up. Live the life you want, not the one everyone thinks is right for you. If you really think about things, settling isn't really living. _

_Take the chance. _

_You are a good man, Edward and no matter what you choose to do with your life, you will always be special to me. Stay true to yourself and love with all your heart. It may get broken a few times, but in the long run, it will have been worth it. I promise. _

_Love always, Susan_

My hands curled into fists as I tried to shove the wild emotions away.

"I didn't get to say goodbye..."

Emmett sighed. "She knew you were there. Carlisle told her."

I turned away from him and stared into the drizzly rain. A few tears escaped and ran down my face. I violently wiped them away with the sleeve of my sweatshirt.

"There's something else, Edward," Emmett said.

I didn't know how much more I could handle.

Emmett took a deep breath. It felt like he used up all the oxygen in the Jeep. "Susan wants you at the funeral."

I was shaking my head before he got the entire sentence out. "I can't. It's not right. Jasper..."

"Look, I have instructions to make sure you are at that fucking funeral. I'm afraid Susan would fucking haunt me for the rest of my life if I don't complete my tasks," Emmett snorted.

I couldn't help but laugh. "I suppose you're right, but I'm staying in the background. I don't want to upset Jasper."

"Hell, if ya didn't want to upset him, how come you gave him your journals?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "He deserves to know the truth and Susan told me to write him a letter. I thought this would be better. He would know what I was feeling at the time it happened."

Emmett laughed. "Leave it to Susan to still be bossing us around."

"Yeah, she was a special person. I'm going to miss her and our talks."

"Look Cullen, I have to get back to Rosalie. We have a lot of shit to take care today. I'll be in touch okay."

"Yeah, thanks Emmett," I said. We shook hands and I got out of his car, heading over to the Volvo.

I climbed in, turning some music on. I wondered if Jasper had read any of the journals. I know which one I would be looking for. My god that fucking week leading up to the State Championship football game in Seattle had been one of the best weeks of my life. So much happened that week. I know it was the first time I really felt something deep in my soul for him.

I didn't need a copy of the journal. I remembered everything from that week. The smells, the words, the sounds, the music, the way his touches felt, everything. God I was so happy then. I leaned back in my seat and let the memory take me back.

**Five Years Ago,**

**Senior Year, Forks High**

"Jaz! Hey Jaz, wait up," I shouted as I ran down the school hallway. Mr. Banner stepped out of the classroom and told me to cool it. What a douche. I smirked and breezed past the guy.

"What," Jasper grunted when I banged him into the lockers.

"So, my dad just called me and got this okayed with the coach and shit. We are heading to Seattle three days early."

Jasper had a blank look on his face. Obviously he didn't fully understand everything I had just told him.

"Well, that's just great Edward," he said sarcastically and patted me on the shoulder.

"No, no, you don't get it. We're both going," I squealed. Yeah, I actually squealed like a little girl. It was a bit nauseating.

"You're crazy man. My mom would never let me miss school for no reason," he said.

"No serious, my dad already cleared it with your mom. I'm not sure what he told her, but who the fuck cares, we're out of here."

I was having a hard time containing my excitement. I mean I was pee-in-your-pants-I'm-going-to-Disneyworld-kid excited. Of course, I wasn't going to tell Jasper all the plans I had for our trip especially not in school where people could overhear shit. God, I was going to have him all to myself for three days. No Bella. No Alice. Just us. In our own room. For three days...holy fuck.

Hell Cullen, stop thinking about that shit. I was already sporting a semi from slamming him into the lockers.

"C'mon Edward let's get to practice. I don't want to be late," he said, smiling that lopsided grin that I loved so much. I wanted to lick his lips, but I settled on punching him in the arm.

We ran down the hall past Mr. Banner and waved at him. Shaking his head dramatically, he went back into his classroom. It was going to be a fucking great week.

I was so busy the next few days, that I barely saw Jasper. I kept reminding myself that soon, I wouldn't have to share him with anyone. Bella had been whining about not being invited to Seattle. I told her she would just be one huge distraction and I needed to concentrate on the game. She knew how important this game was to me, the team, hell even the town. She finally backed off when I even told her I would look at those fucking college applications that were piling up on my desk when we got back to Forks.

Fucking Bella and all her plans. This is the school you should apply to Edward. We will live on campus the first year and then move in together Edward. Oh my god, it was like someone was stabbing me in the ear with a stick. Blah, blah, blah...I'd rather live with Jasper. But that would never happen, because I was the good son and would do what was expected of me. I don't think my hooking up with a guy was on my parent's list of things I was supposed to do with my life. I had no fucking backbone and I hated myself for living the lies. The only thing I took comfort in was that Jasper seemed to be doing the same thing. He had Alice hanging on him.

Enough thinking about that depressing shit. The school year wasn't over yet and as long as we were still in Forks, he was mine. My phone rang and I told Jasper we would be picking him up in about thirty minutes. I shoved some more clothes into my bags and then went into my bathroom to get that shit together. Last I pulled out the secret stash of shit we were going to need for the next few days. I stared at the fake ID's wondering what Jasper would think when I showed them to him. I didn't think we would need to use them at the place I was going to take him, but I wanted to be prepared just in case. I was pretty sure I would just need to bat my eyelashes and Jasper could throw his dimpled smile and the bouncer would let us in. Of course, I didn't have all the details worked out, but I figured we were resourceful enough to get it done.

I tucked the box of condoms under my socks. I was definitely hoping we would be using that item. Carlisle banged on my door, yelling that Mom was already in the car and we needed to get moving. I almost dropped the lube, but managed to get everything jammed into my suitcase before he opened the door.

"Yeah, yeah, Dad, I'm ready," I said as I zipped my suitcase shut and grabbed my music and phone.

Dear old dad took my bag, moving me quickly along and chattering the whole time about the upcoming game. Carlisle had never played one down of football but he prided himself in being a very effective armchair coach. He often asked about me playing in college but I didn't think I wanted to take the next step. I may be a fast wide receiver with good hands, but I wasn't exactly built for football especially at the college level. I really wanted to keep all my body parts for future use.

I was practically vibrating when we got in the car. Thankfully, my parents thought my excitement was because of the game. I did need to be careful and keep my emotions in check or my parents may start asking questions. Who gets this excited about spending a few days away with another dude, even if he is a good friend. I had never given them any reason to ask those sorts of questions and I didn't want to start now.

We picked Jasper up and he and my parents exchanged pleasantries before we hit the road. I sank back into the seat and put my headphones on. Jasper was reading a book. I didn't notice my leg was bouncing around until Jasper put his hand on my knee, stilling the action. He cocked his head and gave me a small smile, winking and then burying his nose back in his book. He kept his hand on my knee for several minutes before removing it to turn a page. It made my stomach feel like it was full of fucking bugs.

For the rest of the ride we exchanged hidden glances; a wink here and a small nod there. It was driving me to the edge. I wanted to jump on him and sink into his body. I wanted to dip my tongue into his mouth and taste his sweet essence. I wanted...everything from him and it was both exciting and a very frightening thought.

When we arrived at the hotel, we checked in and my folks went over the list of rules and regulations. It did not include son, you really shouldn't be sleeping with this boy. My dad gave me their itinerary which said they would be attending a small formal affair this evening. They excused themselves, leaving Jasper and I alone for the first time in at least three days.

Jasper stood up and started unpacking some of his things. It gave me the opportunity to appreciate him. I bet I looked like a drooling love-sick fool, but I didn't care because no one was around to see me. He was wearing black jeans that fuck, hugged his ass perfectly. He slipped his long sleeve shirt off leaving a thin white t-shirt that clung to his body exposing the fine outlines of his pecs. I shifted uncomfortably when I felt my dick pressing up against my zipper.

"So, Cullen, which bed do you want?"

Was he kidding me? "Which one do you want?"

Two could play at this game. Uh, I hope it was a game because I really wanted to sleep in the same bed as him. Okay, sleep was not exactly on my mind. I settled for shrugging my shoulders in a noncommittal way.

"Oh, well, I'll just take this one," Jasper said, tossing his sleep clothes on the bed in front of him. I could see the blush creep up his face until even his ears were flaming red.

Now it was my turn to fuck with him. "Okay, um I think I'll take a shower.

His forehead crinkled, but he didn't say anything. I could feel his eyes on me as I collected my things and disappeared into the bathroom. I purposely left the door open just a crack.

I slowly undressed hoping that Jasper was going to take the hint and come join me, but maybe he wasn't ready to take a shower with me. I heard the noise of the television coming from the other room. My shoulders sagged and I turned the shower on, waiting for the water to warm up before I stepped under the spray. The hot water hit my back and I ducked my head under the faucet, letting the water pour over my hair. I shut my eyes, relaxing into the spray.

Someone cleared their throat.

My eyes flew open and standing right outside the shower with a towel wrapped around his waist was a very embarrassed looking Jasper.

"Mind if I join you," Jasper asked shyly.

I rolled my eyes, stepping back so there was room for him. My breathing stopped when he dropped the towel exposing his already hard cock to me. He smiled at me, and slid his arms around my waist pulling me against his body. The water slicked us and when our cocks touched we both gasped loudly.

I leaned in and kissed Jasper, keeping it soft and sweet, but he had other ideas and before I knew it, he had me pinned up against the cool tile wall of the shower. I guess shy Jasper left the building. I whimpered as Jasper assaulted my mouth. He groaned and I felt his hand snake between us until his fingers wrapped around my dick. I threw my head back and moaned. He started stroking, long slow hard pulls. His lips were on my chest, placing kisses as he sank to his knees.

"Ughhh, Jaz, please," I begged.

He kissed the tip, making my whole body shudder and then everything went hazy for me because he wrapped his lips around my dick and sank down as far as he could. My knees felt like they were going to buckle as I watched the beautiful blond suck my cock. He was touching my balls and bobbing up and down causing tiny sparks to fly up and down my spine.

"Arrggghhh," I shouted.

I couldn't even warn Jasper as the violence and quickness of my orgasm surprised me. He spluttered a bit as I filled his mouth and I barely managed to stay on my feet. I felt boneless.

"Fuck, Jaz," I said, still leaning against the wall. Jasper stood and I pulled him up into a kiss. His dick was resting against my thigh and I knew I needed to give him some relief. I licked his lips and then plunged my tongue into his mouth. My hand found his dick and I started to pump him. It didn't take long before his was screaming my name as he came in my hand. He sighed and rested his head against my shoulder. I grabbed the bottle of shampoo, poured some out in my hand and soaped up his hair, massaging his scalp.

"Oh baby that feels good," he groaned.

"Hasn't anyone every washed your hair, Jaz," I asked.

"No, not like this," he murmured.

We finally finished up in the bathroom and made our way back to the bed. Instead of getting dressed we put on the robes the hotel had provided. Jasper jumped on the bed, stretching out and letting his robe fall open, exposing himself to me.

This was going to be a fucking awesome night.

**Present Day**

**Forks, Washington**

I blinked several times, before I came back to reality. That first night had been intense for me. After another satisfying make out session, Jasper had fallen asleep with his head on my shoulder and it felt so right that it scared the shit out of me. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to feel the warmth of his body snuggled up against mine as we slept. I wanted to wake up with his arm flung over my chest and his hair tickling my cheek. I seriously didn't know why I was having all these feelings. This was the way I was supposed to feel toward Bella. And I didn't.

God I was a stupid fucking kid.

I wasn't sure what had happened to the day, but I was fucking exhausted. Reliving the past was hard on a person. I started up the car and backed out, intent on going to my childhood home to get some rest, but somehow the car decided to drive over to Jasper's house.

Dumb ass.

What the hell was I doing? I really tried to just pass the house but a half block down, the brakes applied and I was ejected from the car. Okay, I fucking stopped the car, turned it off and got out, practically running to his house.

It was dark and quiet. Maybe no one was home. I couldn't believe I was doing this. I was starting to question my sanity. I leaned up against the door, staring at the key attached to my keychain. I had tried to return it to Susan, but she insisted I keep it. I never knew why. Maybe she had been preparing me for this moment. Yes, I'm sure she wanted me to sneak into her house to stalk her son. I was losing my shit.

My hand was shaking so hard, I had a terrible time getting the key into that tiny hole. When it finally slipped in, the click of the lock opening sounded like an explosion that I was sure the entire neighborhood heard. The door squeaked so loud that I was positive if there was anyone in the house they were going to greet me at the door by holding a gun to my head.

Christ, this was insane, but I figured it was too late to turn back. I was already in the entryway, so I might as well go all the way and sneak into the basement. Was it odd that I could remember to skip over the sixth step because it sometimes creaked? I held my breath, scared that I would turn the corner and he would be there. I was pretty sure he would kill me if he could get his hands on me.

I stopped and leaned against the wall, trying to tell myself to go home before something bad happened. Of course, I ignored the good advice and tiptoed to his room.

His bedroom door was cracked and he was sprawled out on his back sound asleep. The sight of him took my breath away. I could see the outline of someone curled into his side. Strands of dark hair poked out from under the blanket so I figured the unknown body was Alice.

I let my eyes drift back to him. The room was dark except for a slice of moonlight shining in through the small basement window. It illuminated his face, making his blond hair glow. A stray curl lay across his cheek. I wanted to tuck it behind his ear.

I stepped closer to the bed, so I could see his beautiful red lips that were slightly parted and hear his soft breaths echoing through the room. The gentle rise and fall of his chest was mesmerizing. My eyes slid down to where his t-shirt had risen, exposing a small sliver of skin and a tattoo. Jasper had a tattoo. He took a deep breath and moved a little bit, making the t-shirt rise higher. The tattoo read I'm lost. I wanted to reach out and trace the letters with my tongue.

Holy shit, I was totally fucked in the head thinking about licking him. I couldn't even touch him. I knelt down by the side of the bed, staring at him. One of my journals was laying across his chest, but I couldn't make out the writing on the cover. I closed my eyes, resisting the urge I had to climb into bed, shove Alice aside and bury myself in him. Emotions swirled around me, threatening to turn me into a blithering mess. All my senses were being assualted by his closeness. I was in hell.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry, Jasper," I whispered. "If I could change the past, I would."

I dug in my pocket for my phone, using my hand to shield his face, pushing the button to turn the light on. With the small bit of extra light I was able to see the date on the journal. I had to shove my fist in my mouth when I saw he had been reading the Seattle trip journal. Jasper moved and startled me, groaning slightly when he turned. The journal slipped off his chest and he mumbled something, clutching at the spare pillow.

I scooted away from the bed. This was creepy. I needed to get the hell out of here before I did something totally stupid. Who am I kidding, I'm pretty sure this already qualified as stupid.

"Edward."

I froze, holding my breath, fearing that I had just been busted. I turned slowly, not really knowing if I wanted him to be awake. What the fuck was I going to tell him if he asked me why I was here?

Jasper's eyes were still closed when my name fell from his lips again.

* * *

**Okay...erm, I hope it wasn't too bad. It felt choppy and...Drizl shut the hell up...Thanks to everyone who is reading this little slashy fic...you guys all rock! Special shout out to the RAoR h00rs who have ventured into the wonderful world of Slash...Once ya go slash, it's hard to go back...snicker...Remember support your favorite authors and stories by leaving feedback...it's kinda like payment plus it leaves a warm and fuzzy feeling...Here's the music I used to get through this chapter...Numb by Linkin Park, Patience by Guns 'N Roses, In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel becuz everyone needs a Lloyd Dobler when life stinks! ****Okay I'm out until next week...bye bye...XoX Drizl**


	16. Chapter 16

**First of all Thank You Thank You Thank You to TwiSlash Unveiled for Reviewing and Recommending this story again...Woot! And we're back with Jasper's POV, but StalkerWard makes a little appearance at the end of this chapter. I just can't seem to keep Edward quiet. To everyone who reviewed last week, a thousand thank you's. I tried to reply to everyone but between fanfic and gmail...grumble...but anyway, I do read the reviews and appreciate them immensely. They are my own personal brand of heroin...so with that...let's read**

* * *

_"Oh god, I'm so sorry, Jasper," I whispered. "If I could change the past, I would."_

_I dug in my pocket for my phone, using my hand to shield his face, pushing the button to turn the light on. With the small bit of extra light I was able to see the date on the journal. I had to shove my fist in my mouth when I saw he had been reading the Seattle trip journal. Jasper moved and startled me, groaning slightly when he turned. The journal slipped off his chest and he mumbled something, clutching at the spare pillow._

_I scooted away from the bed. This was creepy. I needed to get the hell out of here before I did something totally stupid. Who am I kidding, I'm pretty sure this already qualified as stupid._

_"Edward."_

_I froze, holding my breath, fearing that I had just been busted. I turned slowly, not really knowing if I wanted him to be awake. What the fuck was I going to tell him if he asked me why I was here?_

_Jasper's eyes were still closed when my name fell from his lips again._

**When the Night Comes**

**Chapter 15**

**Present Day**

**Forks, Washington**

I sat up so fast that I almost sent Alice sprawling off the bed. She barely managed to hang on to the side of the bed and was about ready to scream at me when her eyes actually focused on my face.

Large drops of sweat were dripping down my face, my chest was heaving, making it difficult to catch my breath and to top it all, I had the fucking hard-on from hell. I'm pretty sure if I didn't take care of it soon, I was going to fucking die.

Alice was wide-eyed, staring at me like I'm crazy as a fucking loon. I can't blame her when I catch sight of my reflection in my mirror.

"Jaz," she said quietly.

"I'm fine, just give me a minute," I rasped. "It was nothing but a fucking dream."

"Jasper, you are not fine. Obviously, what you have been doing is not working. If you can't talk to me, we need to find someone who you can dump all this shit on. I could probably hook you up with someone."

"Alice, I am not airing my dirty laundry to someone I don't fucking know and besides I was just dreaming about him. It seemed so real, I swear I could feel his touch and smell his scent. Holy fuck, it was like he was here," I gasped and ran my fingers through my hair. "I don't need to fucking talk to anyone, I just need to stop dreaming."

"Jeesh, Jaz," she said shaking her head. She picked up the journal and closed it. "You don't have to tell me details, but is reading this shit helping or making it worse."

I covered my face with my hands. "Both," I mumbled.

Her arm slid around my shoulders and she tried to push me back on the bed and swing her leg over my hip. I stopped her. "Uh, Alice, no offense, but climbing on top of me probably wouldn't be a good idea."

She cocked her head as a hurt look washed over her face. Her golden eyes dropped down and she gasped when she saw my predicament. "Oh, oh, I'm sorry Jaz, uh, I wish I could help you out, big boy." And then she burst out laughing, rolling all over the fucking bed and trying to rip the blankets off my lower body.

"Why you evil little perverted bitch," I howled, frantically grabbing at the blankets.

She swung a pillow, smashing me across the face, laughing so hard tears were steaming down her face.

I grabbed at her legs and pulled her down, tickling her until she was begging for mercy. Of course, the minute I let her up she started in on me again.

"Holy hell, Jasper Hale. Go," she yelled pointing her finger toward the bathroom. "Take care of _that_!"

"Alice," I shouted and twisted the sheet around my waist. "What the hell are you doing looking there anyway."

"Uh, it's kinda hard to miss," she smirked.

I groaned.

"Hey, mister, that's a compliment."

"Jeezus, fuck," I hissed and disappeared into the bathroom, making sure to slam the door a little harder than necessary.

I allowed myself to sink to the cool tile floor of the bathroom. I was so lost at the moment, I didn't know what to do. My hand automatically went to the tattoo on my hip, slowly tracing the letters.

Reading all that shit that Edward had written hurt like hell. The little fucker poured everything out on paper but never once had he exposed his true self to me. He hid everything so well. Our time had meant something to him. I was almost scared to read the more recent journals. I still had no clue what his life was like after I left Forks. Alice and everyone else kept dropping hints that Edward did not have the life I imagined him to have and to tell you the truth, just thinking about him miserable and alone...well, it did strange things to me. My sadistic side wanted him to suffer for everything he put me through. I wanted to spit on him, telling him he got what he deserved, but the side that had...or that still does...fuck...love him...that stupid fucking side wanted to touch him, to hold him, to just love him again.

My eyes slid shut and I let my head bump against the wall. I was such a girl and a fucking idiot. I couldn't still love the bastard after all this time. I didn't know him anymore. The journals were just making me remember how it had been and the feelings I felt back them. They were not real anymore.

"Jaz," Alice's whispered softly against the closed door.

"I'm okay and no, honey, I'm not jacking off."

She snorted. "I wasn't going to ask _that_! Just wanted to know if you were okay."

"Yeah, I'm gonna take a quick shower."

I think I heard her roll her eyes. I was amazed and very thankful she was still my friend. She had been the innocent caught up in all this drama. It was a testament to what sort of person she was that she even accepted me back into her life.

I opened the door a crack. "Hey Ali."

"Yeah, Jaz," she said, looking up at me from the bed.

"I love ya."

"I know," she said, smiling shyly.

I shut the door and cleaned up. I figured I needed to be all shiny for this shitty day. Lots of things to take care of and people to meet and bullshit to put up with. God I hated the day already.

Alice wasn't there when I came out of the bathroom, instead I was greeted by Emmett. "Get dressed," he commanded. "I wanna get this shit over with so we can have a drink."

"Yes sir," I said and saluted him. He rolled his eyes and turned on some music. We both froze when the haunting melody of _When the Night Comes _played through the speakers.

"I'm sorry man," Emmett said fumbling with the stereo.

"It's okay. Leave it on. It's just a song," I said.

The notes and words followed me back into my bedroom as I tried to find a clean pair of pants and shirt. My hands started shaking and my breathing went all ragged. Christ, I wanted to shout at Emmett to turn the fucking thing off. It was just a goddamn song. But it wasn't _just a song _to me and in a few seconds I was whisked away.

**Five Years Ago**

**Seattle Washington**

I woke up in the middle of the night a little disoriented. I wasn't quite sure where I was until I felt Edwards breath on my neck. I relaxed into him, enjoying his closeness. This was how it should be. I wanted to wake up wrapped up in him every night, to feel the heat from his body burning against my skin. I wasn't supposed to be feeling anything for him. It was supposed to be about getting off, just messing around. The feelings were supposed to be reserved for someone like Alice only they were glaringly absent from that relationship. She was my friend, maybe my best friend, not my lover. Oh Christ this was getting complicated.

Edward shifted, mumbling in his sleep. I looked down at his arm resting on my stomach and his fingers locked with mine. He mumbled again and tightened his grip, pulling me closer to him.

God that felt so good. I didn't know what I was supposed to make of this whole situation anymore. Do I keep up the facade of pretending I wasn't developing feelings for the boy or do I pull away before...before what? Could I pull away from him?

"Jaz," a sleepy voice whispered my name.

"Hmmm?"

He nuzzled into my neck, nipping at my earlobe, his hot breath washing over me. I shuddered and turned toward him so we were nose to nose. He groaned when I licked his bottom lip. Edward slid his leg in between mine and I had to hold back from grinding my already hard cock into his thigh.

His hand ghosted down my side, coming to rest on my hip. My eyes closed and I listened to his breathing grow rougher. His mouth moved down my jaw until he captured my lips again, but the kiss only lasted a fleeting moment. A rush of air escaped my lips as Edward rose up, tilting my chin, kissing me hard before moving his lips to my throat. His hand moved back up over my ribs, grazing my nipple on his way up to my shoulder. He pushed and rolled me to my back, sliding his chest against mine. I hissed as a fire flared in my belly when I felt the weight of his body on top of me.

"Jasper, I want you," he whispered in my ear.

I froze. I knew what he meant and it scared the shit out of me. I didn't know what I was doing. I mean I had taken a look at some gay mags and some porn, but it's not like I had seen a step by step manual or anything. I understood the mechanics, but fuck, I didn't understand how it was going to be pleasurable for me. From what I heard, the first time fucking hurt.

"Please,"Edward begged. I could feel his dick twitching and leaking against my inner thigh. I hadn't even noticed him taking his boxers off. He was tugging on the waistband of mine.

"Edward," I choked out. "I've never..." My whole body felt like it was on fire. I'd never been so fucking embarrassed in all my life. Okay that's not exactly true because the first time a girl went down on me, well, let's just say it didn't take three licks to get to the center of the tootsie pop. But still, I felt like I was a virgin, floundering into unknown territory and I didn't know if I could handle this shit. After all, if this was just about getting off, why the hell did we need to venture into this territory. If Edward liked to stick his dick somewhere, he could do that to Bella. Right?

Edward suddenly sat up, moving away from me. I shivered at the loss of his touch, but I could feel my muscles unclenching as well and I was able to slow my breathing back down.

Edward turned the small lamp on and looked at me, reaching his hand out to touch my cheek.

"I'm sorry," he whispered not taking his eyes off me.

I dropped my gaze, focusing on the blanket I was clutching in my hand.

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

"Jeezus, fuck," I muttered, shaking my head at the memory.

"Jaz, we have to go. Rosalie is going to kill us if we're late."

I raked my hand through my hair and finished getting dressed. I sent up a small plea before I walked out to join Emmett. "Mama, help me get through this bullshit."

Someone must have been listening because the moment I walked out of my bedroom Emmett thrust a lit joint into my face. The sweet aroma flooded my nose and my body automatically relaxed. I grabbed it out of his hand and took a hard pull, holding the smoke in as long as possible. He let me take a couple more drags before putting it out and tucking the roach back into the baggie.

"I didn't think either of us could face this crap without a little weed. Rosalie's probably gonna rip my balls off, but I don't give a shit. This is going to suck. God, I'm going to miss her."

I sighed and trudged up the stairs.

The rest of the day passed by in a fog of meetings, listening to people say how sorry they were and a bunch of other bullshit. Rosalie did all the talking for our family. Alice came along and held my hand. Of course, she cuffed me and Emmett when she noticed that we were lit up. Rosalie gave Emmett an evil look and I snickered when his hand slid deep into his pocket. I figured he was trying to protect his nuts.

When we finally pulled back into the driveway, I just wanted a fucking drink and to smoke the rest of that goddamn joint. I should probably give James a call too. I had fired off a few quick texts to him, but sometimes he forgot to check his messages.

"Hey Jaz, would it be okay if Emmett and I went home tonight? I want to sleep in my own bed," Rosalie asked.

I rolled my eyes. "I don't need a fucking babysitter Rosalie," I said, sounding a little annoyed.

"I can stay with him," Alice said.

"Oh for chrissakes, everyone can leave. You all hover too fucking much. I'm exhausted. I need some time to wind down from all this shit. You guys go back to your lives. I'll see you tomorrow," I huffed. Rosalie jumped out of the jeep and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Thanks Jaz. I just need a little break from all this crap," she whispered.

"See ya tomorrow, Jaz," Emmett shouted as they tore out of the driveway.

I walked with Alice over to her car. She jumped in and I leaned into the window, kissing her on the cheek. "Whatever happened to the little yellow Porsche?"

"I got tired of everyone knowing where I was," she laughed. "And I decided I wanted to slow down a bit. Ya know, try to enjoy life instead of speeding through each day just to get to the next and do the same thing over again."

"Are you happy," I asked.

She blinked at me and a smile slowly spread across her face. "I'm working on it. I'll see you in the morning Jaz, but if you need anything you can call me."

I nodded and watched as she slowly drove away. Her brake lights came on and she poked her head out the window. "You should try it sometime."

"Try what," I yelled at her.

"The happy thing," she shouted and her laughter rang down the street as she drove away.

A breeze ruffled my hair and I stared up into the clouds. "Do you think I could be happy, Mama?"

I stood for a few moments letting the silence of the evening wash over me. I unlocked the door and went in search of Edward's guitar. It was an odd feeling and I needed to play again. To feel the music in me, to play that fucking song.

I ran downstairs, grabbing a joint before I finally stumbled across that damn guitar. I made it out to the backyard and sank into one of the lawn chairs, quickly lighting the joint and inhaling until I felt that comfortable buzz settle in my bones.

And then I started to play a song that I usually reserved for drunken, out of control nights. But the fucking thing was burned into my brain along with a memory that changed my life in more ways than one. This time I didn't fight it. I let the words and the melody take me back to that night. When the night came and I never wanted it to end.

**Five Years ago, **

**Seattle, Washington**

My brain was going nine thousand miles an hour and I needed it to stop, so I could collect my thoughts and just calm down a bit. I was acting like a freaking pussy just because Edward Cullen wanted to fuck me. Good god, did I want Edward Cullen to fuck me?

"I gotta take a piss," I muttered as I limped to the bathroom.

I relieved myself and then stood staring at the person in the mirror. I didn't know this guy anymore. I wanted to shout at that person and tell him to get a fucking grip after all it was just sex, just another way to get off. If a girl had asked me to fuck her, I wouldn't be putting up a fight. I'd be fucking smoking a cigarette by now and toasting my conquest. What would I say to Alice if she wanted to fuck? Would I turn tail and run from her too?

"Jasper," Edward said softly coming up behind me. His arms went around my waist and I let my head fall back on his shoulder. "I will never make you do anything you don't want to."

A silence fell over the room as I allowed him to hold me. It was comfortable, and weird and made me feel like a girl only he wasn't arguing with me about how good he could make me feel or how much I would like it.

"Oh, have you uh, ever..." Christ this was as bad as talking about sex with your mother.

"No," he said quietly. It surprised me. I mean, I'd never asked Edward if he had been with other guys before, but some of the things he did, I guess I assumed he had experience.

"Come back to bed Jaz, please," he sighed into my neck.

I nodded. Edward turned me so I was facing him, slowly leaning in to me, touching his lips to mine. It was a gentle chaste kiss, different from the way he usually kissed me. For some reason it made me feel..._things. _Things I didn't want to feel for him. Things I was supposed to feel for Alice. I shuddered but didn't pull away from him. He sighed against my lips and released me, heading back to the bed.

I felt pretty stupid standing in the middle of the bathroom watching Edward climb back into bed and get under the covers. I suppose I could sleep in the other bed, but he was too inviting. Even if it scared the piss out of me maybe he was feeling _things _too and everything would be okay.

Jeezus fuck, if I moved forward with this did it mean I really liked being with guys? Could I still consider this just experimenting? Did I want to stay with Alice? Someone please shut my goddamn brain down before I go insane.

And then Edward flashed a grin at me and he looked like a crazy fucked up loon and suddenly I didn't give a shit about the meaning behind anything we did. In the giant scope of things it didn't matter. We could call it whatever we liked. I didn't give a fuck anymore because it was Edward and I wanted to be with him, however he would have me.

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

_However he would have me_...I stopped playing, stilling the strings.

Those words should have set off a fire storm of alarms for me, but they didn't and I let him have me, whenever he wanted me.

_So you'll be mine forever and almost always_

_And I'll be fine_

_Just love me when you can_

_And I'll wait patiently_

_I'll wake up everyday just hoping that you still care_

Oh holy hell. I stood up quickly, almost dropping the guitar. I desperately needed to know what was going on his head that night. He told that fucking journal everything. Jealousy raged through my body and I realized I was actually jealous of a paper booklet. I was getting really close to checking into a nuthouse.

**Edward's POV**

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

I gripped the bottle and took another swig as I watched him come outside and take a seat on some lawn furniture. I bet I could freak the shit out of him if I just sort of sauntered out of the woods. Fuck, he'd probably kill me if he knew I was spying on him.

I spied on him last night. I was so close to him I could smell him. I had even wanted to lick him. That's just fucked in the head. He'd fucking cut out my tongue before he'd ever allow that shit to happen.

He looked so beautiful holding my guitar. I didn't even realize I had the bottle up to my mouth and I almost choked as the booze burned going down. No more, I told myself or I'm going to end up passing out against this god forsaken tree. The ground is cold and damp and I would much rather be curled up in bed with Jasper, around Jasper, under Jasper...fuck.

I banged my head against the tree a few times. All it did was give me a headache to go along with the buzz I had managed to create. I figured I had tortured myself enough but then to make matters worse, Jasper started strumming the guitar and I recognized the song before he even launched into the lyrics. He was half way through it before I took another breath and lost my fucking lunch. I stumbled out of the trees and ran all the way back to my childhood home. I crawled into bed and closed my eyes, letting the dream overtake me.

* * *

**I know you all hate me right now, but just imagine all the information that will be in the next chapter...maybe...muwahahahaha...Plus I'm really supposed to be working on my RL writing cuz I'm leaving for a conference in a few days and I don't know if they would appreciate Slash. I am going to try and get the next chapter up on the regular day, but if the conference gets a little crazy, it may be a few days late. Music for his chapter...When the Night Comes by Dan Auerbach, Forever and Almost Always (this was the actual song that inspired this little fic) by Kate Voegele, Secrets by One Republic...Everyone have a great week. I'm off to Vancouver...XoX Drizl **


	17. Chapter 17

**I know I'm late, but hell, the writer's conference was awesome and I didn't have much time to write. The only depressing thing about the whole vacation was the fact that they (meaning Rob and Jackson) were not filming Breaking Dawn there. I mean come on...Louisiana? Anyway, I could have put out something shoddy but you don't want that and I couldn't handle it...so I'll just make up excuses and you can read the new chapter. Oh and this is a really long chapter for me. Yippee! Let's Read! **

**

* * *

**

**When the Night Comes**

**Chapter 16**

**Previously...**

Oh holy hell. I stood up quickly, almost dropping the guitar. I desperately needed to know what was going on his head that night. He told that fucking journal everything. Jealousy raged through my body and I realized I was actually jealous of a paper booklet. I was getting really close to checking into a nuthouse.

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

It was sheer madness that coursed through my body as I raced downstairs to find that journal. I needed to know. I ran my hands through my hair, because I didn't know what else to do with them. I was fucking nervous as all hell. For five years I had avoided thinking about this shit and now I was going to dive head first without checking the depth of the water. I must be crazy. What good could come from reading this shit? If his confessions of actually having feelings continued did I think we would get back together and live happily ever after? Would that even be something I would consider? Thinking things like that was just plain stupid. It had been five years, things change, people change.

"Shut the fuck up," I mumbled to myself.

Regardless, it was time to know his story. I thumbed through the pages, staring down at the entry.

_**November**_

_**Seattle Trip**_

_Jasper is finally asleep. I think I scared the shit out of him tonight. I didn't mean to, he just gets to me in ways I never thought possible. I told him I wanted him. I still want him, but if he can't offer that up, I will take whatever he will give me. I'll never push him to do things he is not comfortable with. I want a willing lover._

_Lover?_

_Boyfriend?_

_Partner?_

_All the words sound strange and foreign but if I attach them to Jasper they sound right. Oh, how I wish we could be partners in every sense of the word, but as each day passes our time together is shortened. When we graduate we will be separated. _

_Fuck, it's only November...I certainly do not have to think about that shit yet. I am going to concentrate on the present because it sure is a lot better than my what the future holds for me. The blood in my body runs ice cold when I think about my future. I have even started to wonder if all this is fair to Bella, but she doesn't seem to care about my lack of enthusiasm. She wants the stupid fairytale and she seems to think I am the one who can provide it for her. _

_Jasper is muttering in his sleep and thrashing about the bed. It looks like he is searching for me. My heart flutters when I look at his face and the frown lines forming as his fingers pull at the hotel sheets. _

_~ End Journal Entry ~ _

Jeesh, it was only November and he was already planning to dump me. The bit about partners, lovers, boyfriend was nice. I'd never really had any of the aforementioned. For the last five years of my life I just fucked around with people, keeping them all at arms length away, because I didn't ever want to be close to another person again. My heart never healed properly and I wasn't about to have it shattered again because I went and did something foolish like fall in love with the person I was fucking.

Reading Edward's journal and knowing he was already planning on dumping me when school ended made me feel like a fucking whore. He planned to use me for his pleasure and then tell me to get lost. It was the same thing I was doing now to all the faceless, nameless people who jumped into my bed.

Well that's a fucking cheerful thought.

"Shit! Goddamn Edward Cullen."

The only way I was going to get through this fucking journal was if I was stoned...massively fucking stoned out of my head.

I set the journal down, searching for the bag that contained my courage. I finally found it and lit up a small joint. It struck me that just a few days ago, I had been smoking this shit with Mama and now she was gone. A lump started to form in my throat as I lit up the smoke. Sucking hard, I held my breath as long as possible. Eventually, I blew out the smoke, letting the drug take hold of me.

Getting high wasn't helping the sadness that was seeping into my bones. So much heartache in the last few days and reading the journals was going to make it worse, no matter what he wrote. I clearly remember all the feelings I was dealing with that day in Seattle.

"C'mon Jaz, grow a pair and get on with it. Read the entry..."

The journal was sitting on my bed spread wide open ready to expose all of Edward's secrets.

_**November **_

_**Seattle Trip **_

_Jasper is once again asleep, looking very happy and sated. His face is flushed, his lips bruised and his hair still damp with sweat. I never thought we would get to this place in time, especially with what happened the night we arrived. _

_To say that this had been the best day of my entire existence would be a gross understatement. When I woke up this morning, Jasper was tucked into my side. The heat from his skin touching mine burned into me and awoke a fire deep in my stomach. I wanted to devour him, but I knew I was going to have to take things slow and make him feel comfortable with everything I wanted to do with him. I was not going to push him, no matter how badly I wanted him. _

_I shifted slightly to move my aching erection away from his thigh. I didn't want to start rutting against him to satisfy my own selfish needs. Forcing thoughts of Bella into my mind helped slowly ease my morning wood, but then Jasper moved closer to me. My eyes widened when I felt fingers deftly stroking my thigh and slowly moving up to my groin. All the blood rushed right back to my crotch. So much for keeping myself in check. _

_When his fingers finally grazed against my dick, I couldn't stop the moan that welled up in my throat. _

Well, fuck, I was getting hard reading this shit. I looked down at my crotch and found my hand already shoved down my pants, fingers wrapping around my dick and wetness pooling at the tip. For about three seconds I considered pulling my hand out, but the ache was too great. I was going to jerk off reading about me jacking Edward off.

_**November**_

_**Seattle Trip**_

_Jasper's eyelashes fluttered and I soon found myself staring into those beautiful pools of deep blue liquid. I sucked in air, willing myself to calm down because I didn't want to come right away. I wanted to keep staring into his lovely eyes, but his hand was speeding up, gripping me tighter and I couldn't keep my eyes open. A loud moan escaped my mouth when his thumb swept through my slit, dragging the moisture down the length of my cock. _

_I heard myself growl and felt my hips move hard, jamming my dick into his fist. He grabbed my sac roughly, tugging on my balls. That was all it took, my cock jerked, filling his hand with my sticky nectar. _

_End Journal Entry _

My own hand had sped up as I rocked my hips in time. It felt a little dirty jacking off to Edward's words, but I needed the fucking relief. One more hard tug with a quick twist and my hand was again filled with hot sticky cum, only this time, it was my own and not Edward's semen that coated my palm.

I got up and headed for the bathroom to clean up my mess, deciding to take a quick shower. This was not going to be an easy night for me. It wasn't long before a memory soaked into my brain.

**5 Years Ago, **

**Seattle Washington**

After I got Edward off, he returned the favor and we decided to start our day. Edward's folks called us and we joined them for breakfast. They informed us what they would be doing today. It didn't take long for Edward and I to gulp our breakfast down. Edward reassured his parents that we would be fine on our own and not do anything too stupid. My knee bounced around as we both waited for the sign that signaled we would be free and rid of any sort of supervision.

Carlisle finally nodded at us and Edward shot out of his seat. I was hot on his heals. We decided to take off and do some touristy stuff since we were within walking distance of a lot of things. The Space Needle was first on our list, but mostly we spent the morning laughing and having a good time. After lunch we ended up hanging out in a park, enjoying the nice rare sunny day.

I followed Edward to a vacant picnic table. He sat down on the top and immediately my mind jumped into the gutter when I had the sudden urge to spread him out on top of that wooden table and rub up against him. I wondered what the fine was for indecent exposure. It could be worth the cash.

"So, Jaz, what do you want to do tonight?"

"I don't know. You got any ideas?"

"Maybe," he smiled slyly, making my stomach flip.

"You want to share them or do I have to guess," I asked.

"I thought maybe we could go to a bar," he said. He was grinning like he was bat shit crazy, so I knew he had something up his fucking sleeve.

"Uh, bar?"

"Yeah," Edward said breathlessly. "I got us fake ID's."

"Really," I sputtered as he held them up in front of my face. I snatched mine out of his hand. "Monroe Jackson? You had them put Monroe as my name. That's almost as bad as Jasper. Fuck, Edward, what does yours say?"

"Robert Thomas," he muttered.

"Well, that's better than Monroe Jackson," I grumbled and sat down on the picnic table facing away from him, folding my arms over my chest.

"Jeesh, Jaz, who cares about our fucking names. It is what it is," he said, threading his fingers into his hair.

"So what are we going to do with these fake ID's," I asked, curiosity getting the better of me.

"Well, I did a little research and I thought we'd, ya know, go to a bar."

"You already said that and wouldn't it be safer to just buy some booze and drink it in the room?"

"I suppose, but this is a special bar," he stammered.

"Special?" I squeaked. My brain was starting to fill in the blanks. "You mean like a um, gentleman's only bar."

"Right, a gentleman's down low club," he smirked.

I snorted and felt my face flush thinking about dancing up against Edward. "You really want to go?"

"Yeah, I want to see how the other half lives."

I suddenly found myself wondering if he included himself in that other half or if we were just hanging out on the fringe. I was willing to bet he wanted to stay hidden in the fucking fringe. I didn't know what I wanted.

"Well, Okay, Mr. Thomas, what time are we going out?"

"Around nine, I already cleared a cab for us."

"Cocky son-of-a-bitch aren't ya," I said poking him in the side. "What if I would have said no."

"You wouldn't say no," he stated calmly. "Let's go back to the hotel."

He really was a cocky asshole, but he was right, I wouldn't say no to him.

"Okay," I said, standing up and stretching.

We went back to the room and watched some movies, ate some more shit and fell asleep, curled up together. The maid came in and startled the shit out of us. Edward could move really fast when he wanted to get out of the way.

"Thanks, but we don't need the room cleaned today," Edward said with a shaky voice, waving her away.

I could tell he was trying to gain control of the awkward situation. I wondered exactly how much she saw. We weren't doing anything. Just sleeping...almost on top of each other...but still... what did she see. Would she run back to her girlfriends, giggling about the two boys snuggling with each other? My chest constricted as I thought of Rosalie or our teammates finding out what we had been doing behind closed doors. Emmett kicking the shit out of me flashed through my brain. Not a nice picture.

After she left our room, Edward said nothing. I really wanted to ask if he was okay, but I didn't think he would appreciate talking about feelings. I wasn't comfortable with it either. He shrugged his shoulders and decided to start getting ready for our night out. I had no idea what I was supposed to wear. What did someone wear to sneak into a bar illegally? I doubt there was any sort of costume for a guy of twenty-one but I wasn't quite sure and I didn't really know what to expect from a gay bar. It was still so unbelievable to me that Edward actually wanted to go to such a bar. Frankly, I didn't really understand why he wanted to go. He had no desire for anyone to know what was going on between us. It would be just as easy for us to go out to a straight bar with our fake ID's. I think Edward just liked to fuck with my mind.

I sighed and continued digging through my suitcase, eventually settling on a pair of jeans with a black long sleeved shirt. My outfit was pretty nondescript. I snorted when I realized that I had just spent about thirty minutes obsessing over clothing. I was turning into a fucking girly guy.

Edward was wearing black jeans and a white shirt. God, how do you tell another guy they looked good enough to eat. I think he got the hint when he walked out of the bathroom and I gasped rather loudly. My face was beet fucking red before I let out another breath. Edward gave me his crooked grin and I melted.

Edward's folks were at some gala event and would not be bothering us for the rest of the evening. We had agreed to check in with them just before the dinner hour and Edward lied easily, telling them we were staying in the hotel room and watching some movies tonight.

I was glad I didn't have to face his folks because I was really nervous. Nervous about the risk we were taking, not only trying to get in to a bar with fake ID's, but also the consequences if we got caught. It would be the end of our football season and our team would hate us. Actually, I'm pretty sure the entire town of Forks would despise us. There would be no last game. Of course, we could end up in jail and then have to explain what we were doing at that sort of bar. I suppose that would be worse then missing some football game, even if it was the state championship.

"Are you ready to go," Edward said softly.

"Yes," I said with a very shaky voice.

"It will be fine Jasper," he said firmly.

I wanted to believe him, but that stupid little voice in the back of my head was chanting some shit about being stupid. Edward laced his fingers through mine and the voice stopped.

"I just want to see what it's like," he breathed against my neck.

"What?"

"To be free and to know what it would be like to have you all the time."

He said it so quietly I barely heard him. Maybe I hadn't been meant to hear it, but it made my heart pound and my head swim. He placed his cheek against mine for a few fleeting moments. It felt tender and so intimate that I never wanted it to end. I wanted the moment to last forever, but as always, those small gestures scared the piss right out of me so it was me who moved away first.

Edward glanced at the clock, taking note of the time before grinning at me.

"Ya ready," he said, bumping against me.

"I guess," I answered.

"Jaz, we are not going to get caught."

He said it with such conviction it was hard not to believe him, so ignoring the little voice in my head that had piped up again, I smiled at him and took my fake ID from his outstretched hand. I was now playing the part of Monroe Jackson and since we were going to a gay bar, Robert Thomas could be my boyfriend, my lover, my partner or anything else I chose to make up.

Forty five minutes later, Edward and I were standing outside a nondescript building. I know I was supposed to be playing a part but Jasper Hale was having a hard time remembering to be Monroe Jackson. I was fucking nervous as all hell.

A big dude was leaning against the building, staring at us. I assumed he was the one we needed to get by to get into this club. Edward grabbed my hand, which I immediately tried to yank away from him because we were outside and Edward didn't do shit like that. I didn't do shit like that. He turned, giving me a stern look before he headed directly for the guy.

I watched as the master of disguises went to work. In two minutes, Edward had the guy eating out of his hand and they were chatting like two long lost best friends. He never looked at our ID's, but I think I heard him ask for Edward's phone number. I didn't know what to say as Edward pushed the door open for me.

It had been amazing to watch, but also frightening because it was like he could be a different person at the drop of a hat. I knew several different Edwards. On the football field he could be cold and intense, ruthless and hard. When he was with Bella he sort of turned into an asshole. He seemed rude and uncaring. Around his parents he sometimes seemed deflated, acting as if he were a dutiful child. Around me...he was different all the time.

Thinking about this shit was starting to freak me out. Did I know him at all? Was he real with me or was it just another one of his many masks? A chill went up my spine and I shivered.

I was pulled out of my heavy thinking when we walked into the bar and the sound of loud music hit my ears and made my chest vibrate. My eyes swept across the dance floor filled with guys. I mean guys...dancing with other guys...grinding against other guys...kissing other guys...touching other guys...Holy fuck.

I stopped breathing and my mouth fell wide open. Seriously what the hell had I been expecting? We were at a gay bar, of course it would be filled with guys. Jeesh, Jasper get a fucking grip.

I let Edward guide me over to a darkened corner away from the dance floor. As Edward wove through the bar patrons, I couldn't help but stare. There was a wide variety of men in this place, from boys who looked like girls, to flamboyant guys wearing barely anything to guys who looked like everyday people to some I wouldn't even know how to begin to describe.

Edward found a couple of open chairs and sat down, pulling me next to him. My eyes widened when I noticed he left his hand sitting on my forearm, exposed for everyone around us to see.

For a few minutes, I stared directly at the wall until I finally decided it was okay to look around. The two guys sitting at the table next to us were wearing dress pants and button up shirts. They looked like they had just come from work and stopped in for a drink. I tried not to stare but I had never really seen two gay men interact with each other and it fascinated the shit out of me.

They were leaning across the table talking softly to one another. The blond gentleman reached across the table, clasping the other man's hand, entwining their fingers. He leaned forward, gently pressing his lips against the other man's mouth. The interaction made me feel like I was intruding on a private moment, but I couldn't look away. They were obviously together and I found myself wanting to ask them a million questions. I wanted to know how they had made it to this point in their lives where holding hands and kissing each other seemed to be natural part of their existence.

I was so enthralled with them that I didn't even notice Edward leave and come back with two drinks until he said my name.

"Jaz...hello...Jaz..."

He snapped his fingers in front of my face.

"Oh um, sorry," I said, feeling my face flush when he let his fingers drift across my cheek. I'm sure the guys next to us saw it.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, fine..."

One of the guys caught my eye and smiled. I nodded back at him.

Fuck. I was so out of my element, I didn't know how to act. Edward placed his hand on my knee again, making me squirm a little in my seat.

"Jaz, you need to relax," Edward purred.

"Right," I muttered.

"Is this your first time out in public," the guy in the blue dress shirt with the brown hair asked.

"Um..." I stuttered and looked to Edward for help.

"Yeah," Edward answered. "We're not from here."

"Oh," he smiled warmly. "My name is Peter and this is Marcus. We've been together almost six years. How about you two?"

"Just a couple months," Edward answered quickly. I gaped at Edward's declaration. I figured he just forgot to add the fact that our relationship had time restrictions.

"Ah, young love," Marcus crooned.

I almost spit my beer out. Edward chuckled and clapped me on the back.

We sat chatting with Marcus and Peter for awhile. It was amazing to me to listen to them tell of their lives. They seemed so normal. I mean I really didn't have a specific definition of what's normal, but it was nice to see that Peter and Marcus existed in the real world as a real couple.

Edward excused himself to use the bathroom. Peter went to the bar to round up some more drinks.

Marcus looked at me like he was sizing me up. "He doesn't know how much you love him."

"Uh, I don't...well...It's not like that..." I mumbled.

"Is this your first relationship," he asked.

"My first...no," I said.

He rolled his eyes. "Okay, your first relationship with a man then."

"Fuck," I hissed.

"Look, don't get upset, I know this is new and hard. I was you once and he was so beautiful and I loved him with all my heart, but we were young and stupid."

"What happened," I asked.

"It's a long story but essentially, he wouldn't acknowledge our relationship and I couldn't take the secrets and the hiding anymore. I wasn't important enough to him. He didn't want the lifestyle. He didn't want me."

"Why are you telling me this," I whispered.

"I'm not really sure, you just remind me of the way I acted with my first love."

"Quit saying that," I muttered.

"Don't like the L word, huh," Marcus asked.

"Yeah, I mean no...it's...we're just...I..." I shrugged my shoulders and drained my beer.

I was grateful when I felt Edward's hand on my shoulder. "Wanna dance," he whispered.

"Really?"

"Everyone else is doing it," he smirked.

Edward grasped my hand, pulling me to the dance floor. Marcus caught my eye and smiled, but it was a sad smile and it made my stomach roll.

Once we got out to the dance floor, I stood still, staring at Edward.

"Uh, how do we do this," I asked.

"I don't think it really matters," he chuckled, waving his hand around at the different dancers. Some were pasted up against one another, some were going with the beat of the music, others were just groping but the best were the ones who were simulating sex. At least I thought they were faking it. One guy groaned loudly. Okay so maybe they weren't faking it.

"Let's just do it our own way," Edward said. He ignored the beat of the music and pressed his body to mine. One hand slid round to the nape of my neck, the other tilted my chin so I was staring into his beautiful eyes. The kiss was tentative at first, but slowly he increased the pressure. My head started spinning when he opened his mouth and I felt his tongue slip out, licking my bottom lip. Edward was fucking kissing me in some strange bar surrounded by people.

Suddenly I wanted to leave.

"Edward, I'm yours," I whispered against his mouth.

"What," Edward gasped, pulling back from me.

I tried to offer him an explanation but the sparkle in his darkened eyes told me he had figured out what I meant. He fisted my t-shirt, crooked his finger through my belt loop and roughly jerked me against his body. He jammed his thigh between my knees, undulating his hips so my hard dick rubbed against his leg.

My back arched as I started grinding against him. I'm not sure how many songs played before the stimulation was becoming too much. I didn't want to be here anymore. There was a bed in a hotel room waiting for us.

"Fuck, Edward, let's get out of here before I jizz in my pants.

Edward pushed back, holding me at arm's length, giving me a slightly quizzical look. His fingers caressed my cheek and he leaned in, capturing my lips.

"Anything for you," he muttered against my lips.

I swear all my blood drained into my dick when Edward grabbed my hand and dragged me through the crowd of writhing, sweaty men. He had his cell phone out, jabbing at the keys as he called for a cab. He growled at the person on the phone, slamming it shut.

"Fifteen fucking minutes," he snapped, before he shoved me roughly into the wall. I grunted when my back made contact with the bricks and Edward slammed his chest into mine. He yanked my shirt out of my pants and slid his hands under the fabric, tracing the outlines of my ab muscles as he made his way up to my nipples.

I bit down on his shoulder when he tweaked my nipples. Jeezus, that fucking cab better get here soon or I was going to shove my hands down his pants and have my way with him in this dingy entryway. He smashed his lips against mine and my teeth dug into my bottom lip, drawing blood. His tongue dove in and licked at the drops. It sounds kind of gross but it turned me on so much that my dick actually was aching with need for release. I had no idea how the fuck I was going to make it back to the bar without humping the shit out of Edward. I don't think I was even going to be able to walk to the cab.

The outside door opened and a guy poked his head in. "Hey did someone order a cab?"

Edward growled and shoved past the guy. I pressed my palm against my dick, trying to get it into a more comfortable position. I let horrible images flood my brain, but all my blood stayed in my cock.

Fuck it hurt.

I stumbled forward, lost in the sensations of his touches. I felt Edward push me into the back of the stale smelling cab. He hissed something at the driver and then attacked me again by pushing against me. The back of my head banged into the window and I moaned. I wasn't sure if the moan was from the pain or the delicious sensations Edward's fingers were creating. I couldn't even be embarrassed. I mean seriously, I'm sure the cab driver was getting a nice floor show as Edward assaulted my mouth and devoured my body with his hands.

The next thing I noticed was the cab stopping and Edward tossing bills at the cab driver before shoving me out of the cab. We sprinted through the lobby not even checking to see if their was anyone in the lobby.

I poked at elevator button, but nothing happened.

"Can't wait," Edward hissed into my ear, dragging me to the stairwell. We dashed up the flights, pausing every floor to kiss or lick or touch or grab some body part. When we reached our floor, I felt like I was going to explode. The need to feel his hot skin against mine was overwhelming my senses and fogging up my brain.

Coherent thoughts were impossible as Edward shoved the key card into the slot, flinging the door open, but never moving his hand from my dick until we started ripping at our clothes, trying to get the offending articles off. The kissing increased in intensity as he sucked my tongue into his mouth. We were feverishly groping each other.

Friction, I needed fucking friction. If I didn't get it I was sure I would die.

I had managed to toe off my shoes and undo my belt buckle before Edward was down on his knees, blowing hot air through the fabric of my jeans. He slowly dragged my zipper down, torturing me with more hot air and wet kisses. Finally, he yanked my boxers down, releasing my aching, needy cock. My body tensed and I almost came when his hot, moist tongue swirled around the head.

"Goddamn it, Edward please," I shouted.

Whatever I was begging for seemed incredibly important. I could only hope Edward knew what the fuck I wanted so he could fulfill my needs before I died a painful, pitiful death.

He snickered, opened his mouth, gripped the base and proceeded to hover above my cock, blowing across the leaking tip. It seemed like an eternity before he finally put his lips around my dick. He set a slow, torturous pace and I felt like I was going to explode into a million pieces if I didn't come soon.

"Hmmm, Jaz," Edward said with a mouthful. I grimaced when he grazed his teeth up my shaft, slowly bobbing up and down. His fingers dug into my ass, pulling me closer to him.

Ahhh, fuck Edward, almost there. Fuck yeah, gonna come," I yelped.

Unfortunately Edward had other ideas. He released his hold on me and pushed me back to the bed. I couldn't help the whine that erupted from my throat. Fuck, release had been so close and then he took it away from me.

Dammit to hell. He wasn't ever going to let me come.

Edward finished getting out of his clothes and pulled my jeans and boxers all the way off. When we were both finally naked, he crawled across my body, letting his hard cock drag up my leg until our dicks came in contact.

"Shit," I hissed when I felt Edward's hand sneak down and grab my sac. Fuck, I loved when he was a little rough with me. His fingers danced around, pulling and tugging and searching. He finally ran his finger up my ass crack. I squirmed, trying to breath and keep calm. I still was uneasy about this whole bottoming thing. His finger stopped when it came to my hole, circling and gradually increasing the pressure. Finally, Edward breached me, sighing out loud when his finger was fully in me. It felt odd again, until he slipped a second finger and started scissoring and pumping them into me He fucking hit _that _spot again and I swear I saw a bright white light flash in front of my eyes. My hips took on a mind of their own and started moving and trying to get Edward's fingers in deeper.

I swear when he took them out of me, I wanted to scream and cry and pound on things, because I still hadn't come. I was so lost in the haze of lust that I barely registered the sound of a condom wrapper opening and the click of a lube bottle. I winced when I felt the wet, cold of the lube pressing against my hole and then their was something entirely larger than a finger, begging for entrance. I sucked in a deep breath, trying to stay relaxed as I thought about what Edward was going to do to me.

"Calm down Jasper. You need to relax, I would never hurt you," he whispered. And I believed him, because, because I trusted his words to be the truth. I didn't think he would ever lie to me.

"Holy fuck," Edward shouted when his tip penetrated me. Oh god, it was going to fucking hurt, but I couldn't let on to Edward, because I didn't want to freak him out. Even though everything about this was totally freaking me out.

"Oh god," I gasped as he pushed in further.

"Tell me if you need me to stop," Edward pleaded.

"No, I'm okay and then he hit that fucking spot again and I was more than fine, I was great, fucking great, totally awesome.

"Fuck, Edward, do that again," I said, arching my back into the burn.

Things were going fuzzy for me and then I felt desperate and frantic, but when he gave that final thrust into me, I knew. I knew I had fallen in love with him and I wanted to tell myself that I was a fucking dumb ass, because nothing good was going to come of this. But how do you tell your heart to stop? How do you put the brakes on, when you are running at full speed, soaring so high it makes your heart hurt. I couldn't stop it and frankly I didn't know if I wanted to stop it. I was a hopeless romantic and until Edward actually said the words 'get lost,' I was going to believe that we could work things out, that him and me could actually become us.

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

I didn't realize I was crying until I wiped the snot running from my nose. Shit.

God that had been hard to remember. I'd spent the last five years carefully shielding myself from that memory and now it was out in the open and it hurt like a motherfucker. I glanced down at his journal, closing my eyes before I slowly opened the pages. I had to make myself look, it was the only way to know what was going on in his head. I was certain he didn't just fuck me that night.

I took a deep breath and looked at the words on the page.

_The heat of Jasper surrounded me, wrapping me in his fire. It was hard to stay in control, but I didn't want to hurt him. He was trusting and I wasn't going to breach that trust. It was all we had at the moment and I didn't want to disappoint him. Oh god, he was so beautiful. _

_My stomach flipped and my chest tightened. I could barely look at him, because I knew. I knew everything was doomed and yet, I had foolishly let myself fall in love with him. I wanted to shout it from the top of the school, out in the middle of the football field, in Bella's face. This was the man I loved and everything else be damned. He was mine and I was keeping him for as long as he would have me. Just the idea of that rattled me to my core because I knew that it would not, could not, last and knowing that made my entire body hurt like hell. _

_God Jasper, I love you..._

_Forever._

_

* * *

**Yeah, yeah...sappy sentimental h00r...I hope this chappy was okay. I wanted to get it to you before I went to sleep...I apologize if I missed some errors in the text, but traveling was hell and I'm really tired. Again, I'm going to tell you all that I hope to be able to stick to the once a week posting, BUT when I was at the writer's conference...drum roll...I was asked to submit a full manuscript of my novel...so that will take some of my attention away from my fanfic...Seriously, though, I don't think it's going to affect this story because I miss the boys when I don't write them and writing smut is fun and helps me relax. Thanks to everyone who is reading this story especially you peeps who comment...those reviews mean a lot to me. Sniffle...I gotta go crash! XoX Drizl **_


	18. Chapter 18

**Jeesh, I never thought I'd get this chapter in on time...but HA...I did it...it must have been all your wonderful reviews. Sorry I haven't had a chance to reply but hell, all I seem to be doing is writing. Thank you for all your well wishes on my quest to get published...I mean like paid published...Anywho...this chapter should start to answer some of your questions as to what happened between Edward and Jasper to make Jasper leave town and his family. I hope you like it...Oh and Happy Halloween...what's better than reading Slash on Halloween...Muwahahahaha...Okay, let's read... Uh, and seriously if you've been reading this fic and haven't figured out that it's Mmmm rated and features Slashy boy loving...well...enough said...Read on...**

* * *

**When the Night Comes**

**Chapter 17**

_God Jasper, I love you..._

_Forever._

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

He had written the words. He never fucking said them but he had actually taken the time to write the words on paper.

The bastard fucking loved me.

Five years ago I would have given anything to hear him say those words to me. I had yearned to hear them, craved them, wanted them so bad I felt like I was suffocating. I told myself it was enough that I saw it in his eyes, felt it in his touch. Deep down though, I knew I was lying to myself. It really wasn't enough for me and as the months passed by, I slowly began to doubt everything about him.

Those few days before the football game that we spent together had been the best moments of my life and that was just fucking pathetic because it had been five years since high school and I still clung to those stupid memories like a drowning man grips a life jacket. This was not how it was supposed to be. Thinking about this shit was pissing me off. I felt an aching need to punch Edward Cullen in the face.

I looked down at the journal in my hand. I had twisted the paper, crumpling his words. It made my chest hurt and I couldn't believe he could still make me feel like a seventeen year old boy. I sighed and smoothed the paper out, staring at the words _God Jasper, I love you...forever._

"Son of a bitch," I growled as I flipped the page.

I glanced at more of his words, noting things like _his touch was soft and loving, unlike Bella's whose was cold and fleeting. His touch burned into my skin and became part of me. The kiss was soft and caring and I poured my soul into it hoping he would feel the unspoken words. The words I knew I would never be able to speak aloud. _

I read about our last night together before we joined the team. Monroe and Robert would soon be gone. It was time to go back to being just Jasper and Edward, friends with benefits...on the down low, secret fuck buddies.

God I hated all the labels.

I remembered thinking about how I was going to face Alice. How could I keep lying to her and using her as my cover? I hated myself, but I think I loved Edward more and I was going to do anything to stay with him which made me feel even worse because Alice did not deserve to be caught in the middle of my hell.

"Fuck," I sighed.

**Five Years Ago**

**Seattle, Washington**

We were down to our last few hours together and my stomach was in knots. We decided to spend the morning sequestered in our room. Edward had told his folks we were ordering room service and going over the play book before the rest of the team arrived. Neither of us mentioned the game that entire morning. Instead, we spent it fucking and touching and licking and probably everything else you could work up in your imagination, because I knew once we stepped out of the room I couldn't touch him or even look like I wanted to touch him.

After housekeeping came in and cleaned our room and thank god they did because it smelled like sweat and sex and Emmett had a nose for things like that. We both knew he would search out our room the minute the team bus stopped at the hotel. As the seconds drained away, I sat on the bed trying not to think of what was going to happen next. Edward sat down next to me and I let my head fall on his shoulder. He put his arm around me, squeezing me tight against his body. I buried my nose in his neck, enjoying the smell of him and wondering when I would get to touch him again. I sighed when I heard Emmett's booming voice echoing down the hall. I started to untangle my body from Edward but he grabbed my face and slammed his lips into mine.

"Open up girls," Emmett yelled as he banged on our door.

"Edward," I managed to get out before he shoved his tongue in my mouth, pushing us both so we fell back on the bed.

"Fucking let me in. Carlisle said this was your room," Emmett shouted.

"Edward," I grunted against his lips. He rose up, hovering over me and breathing heavily for a few seconds before he calmly answered Emmett. I stayed laid out on the bed trying to get my body under control.

"Hold your fucking dick, McCarty. Christ," Edward shouted.

Edward took one more long look at me before he opened the door. The moment that lock clicked open he changed. It was amazing to watch Edward when Emmett pushed his way into our room.

Emmett walked in and started giving us shit, telling us how our girlfriends were enroute and the thought of Alice touching me and Bella touching Edward made my stomach roll and I felt like heaving into the garbage can. Edward happily talked smack to Emmett about all the things he needed from Bella. I rolled over and stared at the wall, ignoring Emmett's jabs about not getting any for a few days. When I didn't respond he came and sat down next to me, poking me in the back. I pulled myself up to a sitting position and tried to give him a grin. I could feel Edward's eyes piercing into the back of my head. I'm sure he was fucking worried I would screw up and say something to Emmett, but I knew better.

"Hey, Jaz, you okay," Emmett asked. "You look really pale."

"Oh yeah, just getting a slight case of the nerves."

"Since when do you get nervous?"

"Since this is the championship game and probably the last time I'll step on a football field in uniform."

"What the fuck, man, I thought for sure you would play in college. I've heard rumors about UCLA, USC, the Oregon Ducks, ASU and several other schools coming up to scout this game. It's a fucking great opportunity man."

"I'm just not sure if I want to continue to play. I would like to be able to use my brain and body when I'm older and playing football seems to go against self preservation."

"True, but a scholarship to college would be nice," Emmett said wistfully. I didn't think Emmett had anything to worry about when it came to football and college. I was pretty sure some of those scout were going to be looking at him.

"I'm sure all those scouts are not just here to see me play. Maybe one will even have a look at you and Cullen."

Edward snorted and stalked over to me until his his knee bumped against my thigh. "You both know the moment I step onto the field all eyes will be on me."

Edward kept his eyes focused on me and then licked his lips. I wanted nothing more than to kick Emmett out of the room, grab Edward and push him into the mattress. A drop of sweat slid down my neck when he turned and walked into the bathroom. Being close to Edward without touching him was not going to be easy for me, especially if he was going to fucking torment me. Maybe this time alone hadn't been a good idea for us. I didn't know how I was going to get through the next few days.

Fuck the football game, this game that Edward and I were in was far more dangerous.

Emmett laughed and cuffed me on the head. "You both know those scouts will be watching you. Maybe they'll recruit you as a pair. You kinda are a match made in heaven."

I choked on my spit. I knew he meant on the football field, but fuck, it's not exactly where my mind went.

Emmett just rolled his eyes and laughed louder.

"Let's go, we have a team meeting in ten minutes."

"I gotta piss," I muttered. I shooed Edward away and shut the bathroom door. I needed to get my shit together. I splashed some water on my face, hoping it would calm the burn down. I took a deep breath and decided it was time for me to slide back into the roll of Jasper Hale, Senior, starting quarterback for Forks High and heterosexual.

I threw my shoulders back and came out of the bathroom. Edward was leaning against the wall waiting for me.

Of course.

I had sorta hoped he had left with Emmett. It would be much easier for me to walk into the team meeting without Edward by my side.

"You okay Jaz," he asked.

"Yeah," I said. "Where's Emmett?"

"I told him we'd meet him downstairs."

And then he was striding across the room and slamming me up against the wall. My back hit the wall so hard all the air expelled from my lungs. Edward didn't even give me a chance to catch my breath before his lips were crashing against mine. He thrust his tongue against my lips until I let my jaw fall open so he could ravage my mouth. Christ, why was he doing this now? I had almost brought my body and head under control. We hadn't even left the room and it seemed he had to let me know that I belonged to him.

He pushed his cock against my thigh, grinding it against me. I gasped when he moved his mouth to my neck biting and sucking hard. He was going to leave a mark and I wouldn't be able to explain that to Alice or anyone else.

"What the fuck, Edward," I shouted, shoving him away. He wasn't deterred. He came at me again grabbing at my cock and rubbing hard, groaning in my fucking ear. His fingers fumbled with my the zipper on my jeans, yanking and pulling until he was able to release my cock from the confines of my jeans. We were going to be late for the fucking team meeting if I didn't stop him, but I was powerless.

He dropped to his knees, shoving his face into my crotch and breathing deeply.

"I fucking love how you smell," he grunted.

I couldn't form any words. I may have squeaked out the word late, but it melded into a loud moan when Edward sucked down on my cock. My hips bucked, driving my dick into his hot mouth. Fire shot through my body and I gave in to the sensations that Edward was causing. The fire engulfed my entire being. His fingers dug into my ass as he held me firmly against the wall while he sucked and licked me.

"Edward," I said with a shaky voice. He hummed around my cock making my knees go weak. He fingers were still kneading my ass. He pulled off my dick for a few seconds as he shoved his fingers into his mouth, slicking them up. I gasped when he took me in his mouth again and his fingers slid down my crack. He pressed against my hole and slipped in one wet finger.

"Fuck," I groaned. I wasn't going to last with him finger fucking my ass and sucking me off. My chin dropped to my chest and I panted. And just as I was about to shoot my load, Edward released me and turned me so my face was shoved up against the wall. His forearm rested across my back preventing me from moving. I heard his jeans fall down and another finger enter me.

"Gonna fuck you, baby," he whispered.

I grunted and then he slid up my body, positioned his cock at my hole and pressed in.

"Fucking hell," I hissed.

It fucking burned, but I wasn't about to stop him. I needed this as bad as he did if I was going to face the hell that was going to be my life. He pushed again, grunting and muttering about how I was so tight until I could feel his balls smacking against me. He hit_ the spot_ and I came after three pumps into me, spraying my cum all over the wall. My ass spasmed around his dick and he drove harder into me, screaming my name as he reached his climax and pulsed into me.

"Holy shit," Edward yelled and bit down on my shoulder. We both slid down the wall unable to hold ourselves up anymore.

"Uh, we're late," I mumbled. I definitely didn't want to go to some fucking meeting right now. What I really wanted was to curl up with Edward and pass out.

Edward sighed and stood up, extending his hand for me to take. We stumbled into the bathroom, quickly cleaning up. I stared at the reflection in the mirror.

"Fucking hell, Cullen, my neck looks like a goddamn vampire got a hold of me. How the hell am I supposed to explain that," I snapped pointing at the huge hickey on my neck and the bite mark on my shoulder.

"Oh, sorry about that," he said.

"Yeah, well, sorry isn't gonna hide that shit from Alice or the team," I grumbled.

I swear to god I heard Edward whisper _mine _when he ran a finger over the bite mark. I rolled my eyes and grabbed a hoodie.

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

Someone was shouting and banging around upstairs. I groaned, pulling the blankets over my head and rolling over. At some point last night, I must have passed out and started dreaming about that fuck hot sex scene Edward and I had before we met with the team. I don't even remember what Edward said when we sauntered in late. We both looked like we had been fucked hard and everyone knew our girlfriends were not in town yet. For some reason, I couldn't make myself care what they thought.

These fucking journals were going to be the death of me. The reading had been torturous and draining. Reading what Edward wrote was not easy. At times I wanted to punch him in the face or smash his head against a wall, but then there were the times when the emotions overwhelmed me and I wanted to bury myself in his body and snuggle into his love.

Wow, those are some pretty strong girl emotions.

The stomping was now coming down the stairs.

I stayed under the blankets, hoping the person would go away. Well, I was hoping Alice would go away, because I would recognize her stomping and hollering anywhere.

"Could you be anymore noisy," I groaned when she jumped on my bed.

"Um, I could have screamed or jumped on top of you, but I know mornings aren't the best time to get in bed with you," she said snickering.

"Whatever, Alice. Now what is it you want this early in the morning," I asked.

"Tell me about the journals," she said excitedly.

"Fuck, Alice," I whined. "They're private. Is nothing sacred to you?"

"No, now spill Jasper and make it fast, Rosalie and Emmett will be here shortly to talk about the funeral preparations."

"I thought you guys had everything all planned out for that fucking funeral."

"Well, yeah, but we figured we should at least discuss some of the shit," Alice snapped. "And then you have to go meet with the lawyer. Plus dealing with all the other crap that comes when someone passes away."

I groaned. "What other shit."

"Canceling credit cards and other stupid shit," she sighed.

"Great," I grumbled.

"So what have you learned," she said trying to yank the journal out of my hand.

"You aren't going to let this go are you," I sighed as I shoved the book behind my back.

"You're kidding right? You know me better than that Jaz and I wanna know. I think I'm entitled to know."

My fingers ran into my hair, gripping and messing it up. "He loved me."

"And..." She was staring at me like that wasn't an important revelation.

"What do you mean _**and... **_it's not like he ever said it to me," I snapped.

Her eyes widened when the words hit home. "Never?"

"No never," I said closing my eyes and shaking my head.

"But you had to know. I knew." Her voice trailed off and I felt her hand slip into mine.

"I remember the night I let it slip out. I mean I thought he loved me, but I wasn't sure and one night it just popped out of my mouth. What a fucking mistake," I said, my voice cracking.

"Was that the night..."

I interrupted her. "Yeah, two days before graduation. It was the beginning of the end for us. Acutally after reading his fucking journals, it was what he had planned all along. He knew he was going to leave me after graduation, but the way it happened. I think telling him that I loved him..."

I gulped at the air, trying to fill my lungs. This was one of my worst memories and I didn't think I wanted to face it, but it was coming at me full force. Alice gripped my hand, squeezing so hard it hurt.

"Tell me," she whispered.

"I don't think I can."

**Five Years Ago**

**Forks, Washington**

**Two days before Graduation**

The sex had been tender and gentle and I was overwhelmed by my emotions.

"I love you Edward," I said. The words slipped out before I could stop them. My body froze. I had said them out loud and they hung out there in the stale air taunting me. I wanted to gather them up and shove them back under the bed where they belonged. My muscles were contracting around my heart and my lungs were collapsing, stealing all my air. I couldn't breathe anymore. I had laid myself on the line and Edward wasn't saying anything. I closed my eyes as I watched him move farther away from me.

"You weren't supposed to love me, Jaz," he said quietly as he scooped up his clothes, quickly dressing.

I grabbed a blanket and stumbled out of my room after him. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs. He was gripping the banister so tightly his knuckles were turning white.

"This was never supposed to be about love," he whispered.

I wanted to fucking ask him what the hell it was about then, but the words never found their way out, instead some sort of squeak came out of my mouth. He couldn't deal with us. Maybe there had never been an us. Maybe it really was just about the sex for him. Maybe he really did love Bella or at least he loved the idea of her and his perfect fucking life.

"I thought..."

My hand flew to cover my mouth. There was nothing I could say.

"You thought what?" He huffed and then his eyes widened. "You thought that was me making love to you...Fuck, it was just sex, Jasper. Nothing more," Edward said coldly.

I swear to fucking God my chest constricted so hard, it crushed my heart. I wasn't going to come out of this alive. To hear him say that it was just sex...

I wanted to scream, to cry, anything to get him to take it back, but if that is what he truly believed then he had done nothing wrong. I was the one who expected more. I felt more...he felt nothing. I needed to get him out of here, before I fucking disingrated. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of watching me fall apart.

I'm not sure how, but I managed to get over to the stairs and shove him hard. He stumbled, hitting his knees on the stairs.

"Get the fuck out, you asshole," I shouted, not caring if anyone heard me.

He regained his balance and made his way up the stairs. The door clicked shut and I died a thousand deaths.

"What the fuck," I gasped. I couldn't think about this anymore. Punching something or throwing things seemed like a great idea.

Two days to graduation and my life was ending...

I needed...I needed Alice, but would she even talk to me after all the shit I had put her through? I found my cell phone and slowly pushed the buttons.

**Present Day**

**Forks, Washington**

"You answered on the first ring? Why?"

"I don't know," she stammered. I raised my hand and traced the tears that dripped down her cheeks. "I just felt things...like you needed me."

"Thank you," I whispered and she hugged me.

* * *

**See...told ya I'd let a little more information sneak out...Song list for this chapter...Because of You by Kelly Clarkson, Name by the Goo Goo Dolls, In The End by Linkin Park, Can't Help Falling In Love by Michael Buble and Ten Days by Missy Higgins. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and is reading this little slashy fic. Just passed over 400 reviews. Really the reviews are wonderful and spur me on as I'm chasing after this crazy ass dream of getting published...like a real book with pages and everything...Until next week...Back to the Grind...I'm outta here...XoX Drizl **


	19. Chapter 19

**Good Grief...Hurray...I made it...Quick thanks to everyone who reviewed last week. I didn't get a chance to reply because in between writing and writing some more, I'm freaking writing...Yeah, it's a good thing! So...I got nothing else...let's read!**

**

* * *

**

**When the Night Comes **

**Chapter 18**

"_You answered on the first ring? Why?" _

"_I don't know," she stammered. I raised my hand and traced the tears that dripped down her cheeks. "I just felt things..like you needed me." _

"_Thank you," I whispered and she hugged me. _

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

"Jasper," Alice said.

"What?"

"Uh, you disappeared for a bit. I'm sorry about prying, just go take a shower so we can take care of some of this shit," Alice said.

"I'm on fucking overload and I don't know how to deal with all this shit. I mean, Mama's gone and I'm reading all this shit that Edward wrote. It's all fucked up, Alice," I moaned.

"Have you read the recent journals," she asked.

I dug through my suitcase looking for something suitable to wear as Alice continued to chatter away.

"No, I just finished reading about the days leading up to the state championship game," I said.

"God, that was a fucking great weekend," she mused and for a few minutes her eyes glazed over like she was going back, but then something snapped. She looked up at me and instead of happiness, her eyes were filled with sadness.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, squeezing her hand.

"No, it was a long time ago and I shouldn't have brought it up. Stupid really," she said, shrugging her shoulders.

"If it helps at all. I loved you Alice, I still do, but just not _that _way," I snickered trying to lighten the conversation. I had enough heavy shit hanging over my head without adding Alice to the mix.

"How did you manage it," she asked.

"Manage what?"

I knew full well what she was talking about but I thought if I played stupid she would let me off the hook. Of course with Alice, it didn't work.

"Do I have to spell it out Jaz," she smirked.

"No, I was just hoping you wouldn't make me talk about it."

She rolled her eyes, sitting down on the bed.

"Alice, I really don't want to talk about this shit."

"I know, but I like to torture you," she grinned wickedly.

"You are evil," I snorted. "And I don't think you really want to hear this cuz it's not nice."

"I already know what you're gonna say," she stated.

"Then why do I have to say it," I said taking another step toward the bathroom.

"Freeze Jasper Hale and say it out loud," she loudly.

"Fine! When I was with you I pretended it was him."

"Now that wasn't so hard was it?"

I sighed, leaning back on the wall. "I don't get off on saying that shit to you. It was wrong when I did it and it still makes me feel shitty."

"When I think back to those days and nights we spent together, you gave me every opportunity to get out of the relationship, but I waned you so bad that I put my blinders on. The signs were everywhere and I ignored them when I should have been calling you on them."

I gasped. "What do you mean? What signs?"

She flopped back on the bed and laughed her scary evil giggle. "Seriously, Jaz. It wasn't just you, he was guilty as well and Bella could see it too. I'm pretty sure she threatened to out him which led to the horrible graduation party."

"Everything always leads back to that night," I groaned.

"Yeah, but things couldn't have been all roses and chocolates up until then," she said cocking her head at me.

"No, they weren't. It was fucking hard living a double life. Although, listening to you, it seems I wasn't very good at it."

"Naw, you guys were good. It's just that Bella and I were more in tune with both of you, so I would catch the little glances, the stolen touches. At first I was totally disturbed with it, thinking I was paranoid. I can't even say I was surprised when you told me. I was hurt, but not shocked."

"That was a fucking horrible night. Christ I had a lot of shitty nights down in this room."

"Yeah, but I bet you had enough good ones that offset the bad ones," she snickered.

"Jeesh, Alice, you're kind of a pervert."

She grinned at me.

"Go take a shower before I make you tell me some of your dirty stories."

"Fuck," I hissed. I took the opportunity to slide into the bathroom, closing the door before she asked me anymore questions. I was really tired of thinking about all this high school shit, but maybe it was helping me to finally let go of everything, including him.

I turned on the shower and started to undress, catching a glimpse of my face in the mirror. Fucking hell, I looked like shit. The dark circles under my eyes made it look like someone had hauled off and clocked me. My skin was pale, almost sallow looking. I'd seen this look before. It was the same face that stared back at me after Edward walked out on me. This is why I didn't want to be involved with people. It just wore me the fuck out. Loving was hard and it sucked. Not caring about anything was much easier.

**Five Years Ago, **

**Forks, Washington**

It was two days before graduation and I was a mess. One hour ago Edward was, Edward was what? I threw my arms in the air and paced around my room. Edward and I had been having sex and I felt things that obviously weren't there and then I opened my big mouth and told him I loved him.

"Jasper?"

She was here and I'm not sure why she came because this had been a nightmare for her and really, I had no right to call her but I didn't know who else I could talk to.

"Alice," I shook my head. "I shouldn't have called you, but I didn't..." my voice trailed off and I had to look up at the ceiling. I found a nice spider web in the corner to concentrate on. It was either that or start wailing like a fucking baby.

"Jasper, sit down and tell me what happened. Is it Bella? Did she do something?"

"What," I asked, my voice filled with panic. "Does she know something?"

Alice snorted. "Just tell me what happened."

I slid down the wall, clutching my head. "This is so fucked up," I muttered.

Alice came and sat down next to me, grabbing my hand. "It is."

"I shouldn't have called you. You don't deserve this. I'm an asshole who's only thinking of himself. I'm sorry about everything."

"Just tell me..."

"It's stupid, really," I mumbled. I wasn't going to give her the finer details, but I was going to have to spill some of the shit. "I did something really fucking stupid. I told Edward that I loved him and he left."

Instead of going on some rant about how shitty Edward was or how stupid I was, Alice stood up and offered me her hand. After she pulled me to my feet she dragged me over to the bed and pushed me down, crawling in after me. She clicked off the bedside lamp and let the darkness swallow us. She laced her fingers through mine and squeezed. I put my head on her shoulder and a few moments later, the enormity of the moment ate me alive and I couldn't stop the tears that dripped down my face.

When we woke up in the morning, she smiled and hustled me off to get dressed and ready for school, telling me she would be back to pick me up. She was the strongest person besides my mama that I knew and I was very thankful that she was in my corner.

Rosalie was standing on the porch waiting for Emmett when I stepped out.

"So are you and Alice back together," she asked.

"What," I mumbled.

"I saw Alice this morning. I'm thinking she spent the night."

"Uh, no we're not together and we're not getting back together."

"So, are you still with Edward then?"

All the air left my lungs. "What," I stammered.

"You heard me brother dear," Rosalie said.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I hissed.

"Fuck you Jasper," she snapped. "How stupid do you think I am?"

"Oh god."

My fucking world was crumbling around me.

Rosalie stepped into my personal space, staring intently at me. "What's going on, Jasper. You used to talk to me. Now I've had to resort to spying and sneaking around to get the truth."

"Jesus," I whispered. I didn't know what to say.

"When you and Alice broke up no one said a thing. Alice just shut down and wouldn't talk to anyone. And you," she yelled, jabbing her finger into my chest. "You've been acting weird all fucking year."

"Have you told anyone," I asked, sucking in a deep breath.

"What the fuck. Is that what you're worried about? I'm your sister, Jasper, why the fuck would I tell anyone when I haven't even talked to you. I'm not going to spill your secrets, but I wish you would at least tell me the truth."

"Things are fucked up," I snapped. "I'm not with anyone...anymore."

Just then Emmett pulled into the drive, saving me from this humiliating conversation.

"This is not over. We are coming home after school and talking about this shit," she yelled, flipping her long blonde hair in my face.

She jumped off the porch and ran to Emmett's jeep. He was waving for me to come, but quit when Rose whispered something in his ear. She was probably telling him I was a fag or maybe she already had told him. Fuck, maybe the whole school knew and I was walking into some sort of ambush today. But why would Rosalie tell anyone and how the hell did she figure out I was with Edward? I thought we were doing a good job just acting like friends. What the fuck?

I glanced up when I heard another car pull into the drive. I expected it to be Alice.

It wasn't.

I stared at the stupid silver Volvo, wondering what the fuck he was doing here. I didn't want to talk to him. Maybe he was here to pour salt into my wide open wounds or embarrass the shit out of me. I turned to go into the house.

"Wait Jasper," Edward shouted, getting out of the car.

I took a deep breath and clenched my teeth, watching as his long legs carried him closer to me. His shoulders were rounded forward and he had his hand jammed into his pockets, but his head was up and those green eyes were staring right into me.

Did you ever do shit that you know was bad for you, but you just couldn't quit especially when it was dangled right in front of your face? Edward was my fucking drug and I just couldn't say no to him.

"What do you want Edward?"

"Look about last night."

I held my hand up to stop him. I wasn't going to talk about last night. It had been a mistake and I wasn't going to relive it again. He had made it crystal clear that he had no feelings for me. I was a tool that met his needs.

If I knew all this why couldn't I punch him in the face and be done with it. If Emmett treated Rosalie like this, I'd beat the shit out of the bastard and yet I took Edward's crap. Because I wanted him, and I wanted him to want me no matter the cost. I was selling my soul to the fucking devil himself.

"Edward, Alice will be here any minute and I would appreciate it if you would just get the fuck out of here. You made it perfectly clear last night..." My voice trailed off.

He was invading my space, pressing too close to me, making my stomach clench into knots. He brushed his lips over mine, rendering me powerless and I melted into him.

"You're still mine," he growled as he licked my lips. He kissed me hard, bruising my lips and then stalked away from me just as Alice pulled into the drive. My eyes followed Edward. I couldn't help it. Whenever he was around me I was drawn to him. He jumped in his car, slamming the door and gunning the engine before peeling out. Alice glared at him and then turned on me.

"What the fuck are doing," she snapped.

"I have no fucking idea."

"He owns you."

Christ this was fucked up.

**Present Day**

**Forks, Washington**

"Jasper," Alice yelled, making me jump. "Will you snap out of it. I can't take you disappearing into your mind anymore."

I noticed I was fully dressed and in the car with Emmett and Rosalie.

"Sorry," I mumbled, resting my cheek against the window.

Rain pelted the car as we drove down the road. I had no idea where we were going and I was afraid to ask, because I'm sure they had told me numerous times. I just couldn't shake all the memories that were assaulting me. I watched the rivulets of water running down the window and it all faded into that shitty night.

The graduation party.

**Five Years Ago**

**Forks, Washington**

Well hell, I've officially graduated from high school. Although they won't hand off our diplomas until Sunday, it was over. I had survived this year at Forks High, sorta. Whatever was going on between Edward and I was nowhere near close to a resolution and I didn't know what to expect. Rosalie knew about us. Alice knew about us and I wouldn't really be surprised if Emmett knew about us. I didn't think Rosalie would blab to him but maybe to the people who were closest to me, maybe it was obvious that I was head over heels in love with a boy.

We were all jammed into Emmett's jeep heading over to the school to clean out our lockers. Edward was wedged up against me and I could feel the heat from his thigh pressing against mine. Bella was sitting on his lap and had her tongue shoved down his throat. Alice's golden eyes were focused on my face watching for any signs that I was going to snap. She squeezed me knee and gave me a grin. I shook my head and sighed, leaning away from Bella and Edward.

As soon as Emmett stopped the jeep Alice and I jumped out so fast we almost fell on our asses. She was giggling and hanging all over me. I could feel Edward's glare. If he could do it, so could I. Alice jumped onto my back and I gave her a piggyback ride to the school.

"Okay boys, let's go clean out our lockers," Emmett yelled and grabbed me around the neck. "I'm so fucking glad you came to this school. It was a great year."

I laughed and tried to get out of the headlock.

"Let go of me McCarty," I shouted and prodded him in the ribs, making him lessen his grip. I squirmed away, but Edward grabbed me next. I froze when I felt his hand slide under my shirt. Emmett's back was turned, but still.

"It was a great year," I said softly. I twisted away from him and charged Emmett, slamming him into the locker room door.

We spent the next half hour laughing and reliving our glory days. Most of the conversation revolved around the championship football game.

"God Jaz, I didn't think we were going to do it, ya know," Emmett said. "You were getting hit so hard. The fucking line just wasn't getting it done. I don't know how you survived the first half."

"Fuck, my back hurt so bad, but..." I said. I let my mind wander back to that night. After the first half ended, I needed help to get back to the locker room. Edward had his arm around me, practically carrying me.

"You're getting killed out there," he said.

"No shit," I groaned as I sat down.

The coach eyed me and shook his head, pointing toward the training room.

"Cullen, help him," the coach snapped.

Edward pulled me to my feet. All I could do was groan. The coach started yelling at the team about defense and some other shit.

The trainers were waiting for me, telling Edward to help me up on the table. I sighed, lifting my jersey over my head so they could look at my back. Edward winced as they started poking and prodding, making me squirm uncomfortably.

"Wait," Edward shouted. "Let me give him a quick massage. My mother is his masseur so I know what she does to help him."

I didn't know if this was a such a good idea. Edward touching me always led to things and I didn't think we would be able to take care of those things before the second half started. I was just going to have to grin and bear it especially with the other guys in this room. There may have been a girl too, but everything went away when I felt his warm hands pressing on my back. He worked and kneaded the sore muscles until I finally felt things loosening up.

"Try not to get hit anymore," he breathed in my ear and then banged on my shoulder pads, announcing to everyone in the room that he had healed me.

Someone banged on the door signaling we had two minutes. Edward pulled me to my feet and I yanked my jersey back on.

"Ya gonna make it Hale," Edward asked.

"It's one half of football. Bring it on," I growled and stomped out of the training room. Coach raised an eyebrow at me and I nodded at him.

The rest of the game passed in a blur. Whatever the coach said to the offensive line worked. It either scared the crap out of them or fired them up. I didn't care. The only thing that mattered was that I wasn't getting hammered every time I touched the ball.

With two minutes to go, we were down by six, but we were about seventy-five yards away from the end zone. We methodically made our way up the field.

On third down and six, I handed the ball off to our running back and he made the first down so we were only fifty yards away from the promised land. The clock said forty five seconds. I wasn't waiting any longer. This was the time to hook up with Edward. When we got in the huddle I said his name. Everyone nodded taking their positions. It took about ten seconds for Edward to get open which left me scrambling out of the pocket before I lofted the ball down to him. There was no doubt when he hauled the ball in and ran the rest of the way for a touchdown. I rushed down to the end zone and thanked the gods we had helmets on or I may have fucking kissed him.

The game ended with us winning by one point after we kicked the extra point.

"You were a great quarterback Jasper," Emmett said. "I can't believe you aren't playing anymore. You about killed some of those scouts when you told them you weren't interested in any football programs."

"Yeah, well, my back is fucked up and I still want to be able to move around when I'm thirty."

"Okay!" Emmett slapped me on the shoulders. "Thanks for the trip down memory lane. I gotta go find Rosalie and help her get her shit out of her locker. She seems to think I come in handy for heavy lifting and shit."

"You're so whipped," I laughed.

"Fuck off, Jaz!"

Emmett left the locker room, leaving Edward and I alone.

"It was a great year, Jaz," Edward said quietly.

"Yeah, yeah," I said shoving him away from me.

Edward looked like he wanted to say something. He closed his eyes, taking several deep breaths, before he finally spoke. "Since this is our last time in this locker room, there's something that I've always wanted to do."

I eyed him nervously when he took my hand, tugging me toward a bathroom stall.

"Edward, no way," I said, trying to dig my heals into the floor.

"Oh come on," he pleaded.

He dragged me into the stall and before I could say another word, he had me pressed up against the wall, kissing me hard. His hands roamed over my chest, down across my abs before he shoved his hand down my pants.

"Edward, dammit, stop it," I said weakly.

I tried to push him away but then he undid my pants and dragged my rock hard cock out of its confines. He trailed kisses down my chest, slowly dropping to his knees. I wanted to push him away, to tell him to fuck off, but I was weak and couldn't do it. My head fell back and hit the wall when his mouth closed around my dick. I moaned his name and gave in, lost in a tidal wave of lust for my bronze haired boy. His thumb and forefinger circled my base, twisting and pumping as he licked, leaving a path of saliva up my dick. He squeezed the base and slid his tongue through my slit, smacking his lips.

I muttered a string of nonsense when he hollowed his cheeks and relaxed his jaw, taking me in as far as he could. My knees were about to give out so I had to reach out a hand, placing it on the wall of the bathroom stall to keep from falling into the toilet.

"Mmmm, Jazzzzz," he moaned.

Fucking hell.

"Fuck...coming," I grunted and filled Edward's mouth.

He wiped his mouth with his sleeve, grinning up at me.

"God dammit, Edward. Anyone could have come in here," I shouted and pushed past him, grabbing my things and rushing out of the locker room.

I ran into Alice, quickly telling her that I was jogging home instead of riding with everyone else.

"Okay," she said shaking her head. "I'll pick up around eight for the party."

"Yeah, whatever," I answered, tossing my duffle bag over my shoulder and running out the door of Forks High before she finished her sentence.

God damn Edward Cullen. Why did I let him get to me like that. He made it perfectly clear that I was his fucking sex toy, but he still hadn't officially ended it with me.

"Fuck," I shouted.

He's using me and I was too fucking far gone to give a shit. When Edward called I was there to answer. I was going to stay the fuck away from him tonight.

Mama, Rosalie and I celebrated with a nice dinner that evening. Rosalie was talking about the acceptance letter to Washington State she had received. She had waited until Emmett was offered a football scholarship before she chose her school. I was happy for her and Emmett. Hopefully, they would make it.

They were both pestering me about my plans but I had nothing. This whole fiasco with Edward had interfered with and taken over my fucking life. I needed to make some decisions and not think about how they would affect my relationship with Edward. God I was fucked up...there was no relationship.

A couple hours later and I was standing on the beach holding a keg cup filled with some cheap ass beer. Alice was chatting about her summer plans. I think I heard her say something about Italy and then coming back to go to school for nursing or some shit like that. I nodded and answered her questions in all the right spots all the time looking over her head to find Edward.

"Hey Jasper, can I talk to you," Edward asked. The fucker had snuck up behind me.

"We're talking here, Cullen," Alice hissed.

"I'll bring him right back," he answered sharply.

"It's fine Alice," I said and kissed her on the top of her head.

We walked down the beach in silence until we were far enough away from the party to talk privately.

"What's her problem," Edward asked. "You didn't tell her anything did you?"

"Shut the fuck up, Edward. What do you want?" I said turning to face him.

"I don't know." His voice cracked.

"I can't do this shit anymore Edward."

"You won't have to, I'm leaving," he said.

A loud buzzing noise filled my head and my stomach dropped to my knees.

"Bella and I are going to Europe with my mom for the summer."

"Have a nice trip," I snarled and turned to leave.

"Jasper, I..."

"Fuck off Edward. I get it."

"No, you don't," he sounded like a small child. "It's just...I want...I can't...Oh my god..."

He buried his face in his hands. Seeing Edward falling apart made my entire body hurt. My heart was pounding against my rib cage so hard that I started to wonder if this is what a heart attack felt like.

Edward blindly reached for me, grabbing my shirt and pulling me flush against his body. His hands ran up under my shirt. He looked into my eyes and lovingly caressed my cheek before leaning in to kiss me.

God, we were so close to the party, but right now I didn't care. They could all go to hell. Edward broke the kiss, resting his forehead against mine. "I have to talk to Bella."

I wanted to ask him about what, but I didn't dare. I hoped, I wished...I wanted to be with him. I wanted him to be with me. I drained my beer and went back to the party. Alice latched onto me, whispering in my ear that Bella and Edward were fighting.

"Did you have anything to do with it," she asked.

"What? No, Edward's gonna make his own decision. I said nothing."

"Jaz, there they are," Alice hissed, pointing behind me.

I watched as Edward pulled Bella to his chest, enveloping her with his arms. His eyes met mine and I stopped breathing. This was it. He was making his choice and I was going to be forced to watch. His mouth found hers and I swear he was trying to fucking devour her. Her lips parted and his tongue dove into her mouth. She was melting in his arms and I was dying.

I felt a small hand on my back. "Jasper let's get out of here."

"I can't move," I said.

I know I stood frozen for several minutes before Alice managed to push me away and get me back to her car. I don't remember the drive home. I do remember telling Alice goodbye. What she didn't know was that I really meant goodbye. Not see you tomorrow or the next day, but a real goodbye. I think I talked to Mama for a few minutes before I stumbled into the basement. I'm not even sure how I packed my bag.

It was early in the morning when I dropped a note on the table for Mama and Rosalie explaining as best I could why I had to leave.

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

"Hey Alice, what happened at the graduation ceremony when they called my name?"

Rosalie turned around from the front seat. "I had to step in and pick up your diploma while Mama cried in the audience."

"Oh," I said softly. "Sorry."

Rosalie growled at me. "Why are you asking about that shit?"

"I don't know," I lied.

"Right," Rosalie hissed.

"Ahh, here we are at the lawyers. Let's stay focused and get this over with," Emmett said.

I sighed, following everyone into to some lady lawyer's office. Mama had really made all the arrangements and made sure all the t's were crossed and the i's dotted. She left me the fucking house, telling me to put down roots and if not here than somewhere. She wanted me to have a permanent address.

I was fucking drained at the end of that meeting and wanted to go home.

"Mr. Hale," the woman said.

"Yes," I answered.

"I need a moment with you please."

Rosalie waved. "We'll wait for you in the car."

"Fine," I said wondering what the hell this lawyer wanted from me.

"Please sit," she said pointing at the chair again.

"What do you want? We still have more shit to do. The fucking funeral is tomorrow," I sighed.

"Jasper, your mother really wants you to give staying in Forks a try." she said.

"Yeah, I get that and I'll think about it," I answered rudely. This didn't seem normal. I felt like my mother was lecturing me.

"That's all I ask," she said stiffly. "Also there are a few more provisions that your mother wanted me to address. I would like to set up another appointment with you."

"That's fine," I said.

"Okay, I'll have my receptionist schedule you for Friday at 10:00am."

"Fine" I huffed. I stood up and offered her my hand.

The receptionist poked her head in the door. "Excuse me, your next appointment is here."

"Yes, yes, send him in," the lawyer said.

I turned to leave and ran right in to her next appointment.

I raised my head to apologize and ended up staring into all too familiar green eyes.

"Jasper," Edward sighed.

* * *

**Muwhahahaha...another cliffy...yeah, yeah, just be happy ya got this chapter out of me...Sooooo, let's talk about this story for a second or two...we are coming to a pivotal point where I could take it either way...So, I'm gonna leave it up to you all...what do you want? The Happy Ever After or the Not So Happy Ever After...This is your chance to let me know...This means ya have to hit that little review button...Have a great week! Read lots of slash, leave authors lots of love and smile cuz they started filming Breaking Dawn (too bad Edward doesn't just whisk Jasper off to the Isle of Esme...snort...such a dirty Slash girl) I'm out...gonna go read the update of Marked...XoX Drizl **


	20. Chapter 20

**Hello my lovelies...Thank you for all the reviews. You guys rock my world and I just want to say thank god you are all SAPS because I was so paranoid people were going to ask me to hurt Edward more but you guys are as bad as me...so with that said we will be working toward a Happily Ever After...thank god...I don't think I could stand much more hurt and angst...reading those stories always leaves me haunted and feeling out of sorts for days...and yes I do know everything isn't always happy...but it's my world so I control it...Muwahahahaha...with that said...I decided this chapter would give you all more of an insight into Edward...he needs a little love too even though he hurt my Jasper and was in general an asshole...Things weren't easy for him either. Okay...let's read! **

**

* * *

**

**When the Night Comes**

**Chapter 19**

_"Yes, yes, send him in," the lawyer said._

_I turned to leave and ran right in to her next appointment._

_I raised my head to apologize and ended up staring into all too familiar green eyes._

_"Jasper," Edward sighed_.

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington **

"Fuck," I hissed and pushed him out of my way.

"Wait," Edward shouted. "Please."

There was real pain in his voice and it made my heart skip a beat. My brain was telling me to walk away but my stupid fucking heart was screaming at me to stop just for moment. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, turning to face him. I kept my eyes focused on the lawyer who was still standing in her doorway staring at us. I'm sure we made an amusing floor show.

"I don't have time for this. Everyone is waiting for me."

"Right, so that's that then. You won't even give me a chance."

"You don't deserve another chance," I growled, but it didn't come out as hurtful as I wanted it to. There was no venom in my words anymore. I was tired of fighting with the world. My shoulders sagged and I turned to leave.

"Your mother was wrong," Edward snarled.

"What?"

Before I could get hold of my emotions I had him shoved up against the wall with my forearm jammed into his chest. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the receptionist move to her phone, but the lawyer lady held up her hand.

"You bastard. You have no right to talk about my mother. You know nothing."

The fight was coming back and I wanted nothing more than to punch Edward in the fucking mouth.

Edward clenched his jaw, staring right back at me. "I know more than you do. She was my friend. You barely spoke to her the last five years. I talked to her at least three times a week, more toward the end, until you came back and I didn't even get to say goodbye."

He choked on the last words and pushed me off him.

"Can we reschedule," he asked the receptionist politely.

"Would tomorrow at three work," she asked.

"No, I have a funeral to attend. I'll just call later," Edward snapped as he walked out of the room leaving me standing there with my mouth hanging open. What the fuck just happened? He hung out with my mother? They were friends?

I staggered over to a chair and sat down. "I'm sorry. I just need a second."

"Hey," Alice said, peeking around the door. "I just saw Edward storming out of here. It doesn't look like you two killed each other."

"He's coming to the funeral. I don't understand what's going on Alice," I said. My voice sounded hollow. "He said he was friends with my mother."

"Come on Jasper. I can either tell you or you can read some more of his journals," she said. "Or heaven forbid, you could just talk to Edward."

"Are you on his side or something," I grumbled.

"Think of me as Switzerland. I'm a neutral country," she said casually.

"What? You were never neutral before," I hissed as she dragged me over to the Jeep.

"Things change Jasper. I know you don't think it's possible or true but people change. We all grew up. We moved on. Some of us even made peace with the past."

I furrowed my brow and Alice shoved me into the backseat. I was still trying to wrap my brain around some of the things she said.

Emmett turned around and stared at us. "Is he okay?"

"Don't have a clue?" Alice said. "Let's just get the rest of the errands done. It's been a long fucking day and it's barely started."

I focused on the rivers of water running down the windows again. Edward knew my mother. He was friends with my mother. They talked a bit when we were in high school, but they weren't friends. Friends? What the fuck did that mean? I looked over at Alice with a questioning look on my face.

"Yes, Jasper?"

"Were they really friends? And why? I don't understand any of this?" I leaned my cheek against the window, not really expecting any answers to my questions. Emmett pulled into the parking lot of the church and parked. Rosalie whispered something and Emmett and Alice got out of the car.

"You need to pull your shit together. You can fall apart after the funeral," Rosalie said. She reached over the seat and we grasped hands. I nodded.

"No falling apart until after the funeral. Got it," I said.

"Just so you know, Edward will be here tomorrow. He deserves to be here. I know it's weird and believe me, I wasn't happy at all when they took up, but it was good for both of them. Mama lost a son and he filled the space."

"Fuck," I whispered. "He took my place."

"No, he never took your place, but you know Mama, she needed to know why you left and you weren't providing any answers, so when Edward came back from Europe they sorta hooked up."

"Hooked up?"

"Yes, I think in a weird way, they needed each other, but we don't have time to talk about this anymore. Let's go take care of Mama." She smiled but a few tears slipped down her cheeks. "God, I'm so fucking sick of crying."

We walked arm in arm into the church and I made it through the afternoon by leaning on Alice and trying to focus on what would be happening tomorrow. The ceremony would be simple with me playing a couple of tunes. Nothing formal. It was going to be a terribly long day tomorrow.

"Hey, Jas, ya wanna run through anything," Emmett asked. "We brought your guitar."

"No, I'll be fine."

Emmett clapped me on the shoulder and grinned at me. "Never said ya wouldn't, I just thought you'd like to hear the acoustics."

"They're fine Em. I just wanna go home," I said, sighing loudly.

"Yeah, I think I should get Rosalie home. She hasn't really cried yet. I mean a bit here and there, but not the really breakdown crying and I think she's needs to," Emmett said, throwing a glance over his shoulder at Rosalie. "She looks like she's gonna snap any minute."

She did look like she was walking on a really thin line. I bet if you gave it a little tug, she's come undone, but I sure as hell wasn't going to be the one to force her. Hell, I was barely hanging on and tomorrow I would have to sing in front of a bunch of strangers mourning my mother. And Edward would be there. Maybe I wouldn't be able to see him, but I knew he was going to be in the building and that unnerved me.

By the time they dropped me at the house I was ready to collapse. Alice asked if I wanted her to stay but I told her to go home. Emmett and Rosalie said the limo would be by to pick me up around one. I'd rather drive in the Jeep, but I wasn't about to argue with anyone over a stupid car.

I paced around the house for awhile, wanting desperately to have a drink or smoke a joint. I didn't even know how much pot was left in Mama's stash, but for some reason it didn't feel right. Not tonight. Tonight I didn't want to dull the pain. Tonight I wanted to feel it all. I had been running away from it for five years and finally, I felt the need to face some of it head on. I'd faced so much shit since I came back to Forks, but it really was time to get it out in the open.

I pulled the guitar out of the case and went up to my mother's room. It was hard to step into the room. There were no signs of this being a make-shift hospital room anymore. It looked like a bedroom. This was the first time I'd been able to focus on the room. It was simple yet elegant, understated and tasteful. It reflected my mother.

I sat on the bed and opened the bedside drawer. There was a small photo album on top of some papers. I fished it out and set it on my lap.

"Fuck," I hissed as I opened the small book. The first photo was a family picture taken right before Dad died. It suddenly hit me that I was now an orphan. Both my parents were gone and I was on my own. It was a horrible lonely feeling.

There were more pictures of Rosalie and me at the old house back in Texas. Mama had taken one the night before we left. Rosalie and I had our heads together, deep in conversation, sitting on the porch. Neither of us had wanted to leave and we were dreading coming to Forks. I wonder what Rosalie would say today. I'm sure she's glad we came here. I don't know what I think anymore.

I sighed when I saw a picture of me in my Forks High Football uniform. The next picture was me, Emmett and Edward standing on the sidelines during a game. Emmett looked like he was diagramming a play in mid air. I kept flipping pages. There were more pictures of me with Edward. I hadn't seen any of these before. Now I knew how Mama had figured out there was something going on between Edward and me. The pictures told the story. The way I looked at him. How we always seemed to be next to each other. Even when Alice and Bella were in the pictures, Edward and I were never apart. But it was the next picture that threw me. It must have been taken near the end of the school year. Edward and I were out in the backyard, both sitting on the ground, leaning up against a tree. Our heads and shoulders were touching. God, he was holding my hand. We both had small intimate smiles on our faces. We looked like we didn't have a care in the world.

We looked like lovers.

I'm not sure how long I stared at that picture before I finally turned the page.

Fuck, the next few pictures were from graduation day. No one was smiling. There were a few posed pictures with forced smiles. Rosalie and Alice leaning on each other looking sad, Emmett scowling at the camera and there was a picture of Edward, alone, head hanging down, sitting by the stage in the school auditorium. It must have been after the ceremony because Edward looked to be holding his diploma. Actually, he was crushing his diploma.

I was sitting on a bus headed for San Diego when that picture was taken.

**Present Day **

**Forks Washington **

**Edward**

"I wish you would talk to me," my mother said as I as ran a finger over Jasper's face in the picture.

I'd dragged that blasted thing out again. The picture was scratched and worn and had a small tear in the top left corner from the day Bella wrenched it out of my hands.

"Edward?"

"Yeah mom," I said quietly.

"Are you going to the Susan's service tomorrow?"

"Yes, she requested it and I want to go. I'll stay out of the way, but I have to say goodbye."

My mother glanced at the photograph and laid her hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. She looked like she wanted to say something, but she kept quiet and left me to my sorrow in my old room. I really should go back to my own place, but I was being swallowed by loneliness and my family was worried about me. They thought it was best I was alone. I think it made everything worse to be back in this room. I had shared so much with Jasper here. Memories of him were everywhere.

**Five Years Ago,**

**Graduation Day**

**Edward's POV**

"Edward," my mother called from downstairs.

"I'm almost ready," I answered.

"Jaspers's mom called. She wants you to call her back as soon as possible."

"What? When did she call?"

"Just now. Your cell phone is down here, so I answered it. I didn't think you'd mind."

"It's fine, mom," I said rushing downstairs, buttoning my shirt. "Did she say what she wanted?"

"No, just to call her back," my mother smiled at me and fussed with the collar of my shirt before handing me my phone. I felt a little sick to my stomach. Jasper and I had not exactly parted friends at the party. God, maybe he told her about us. What the fuck was I going to do if he outed us? My mouth went completely dry.

"Edward," my mom touched my arm. "Are you okay. You're very pale."

"Mom, I'm fine," I said trying not to snap at her. I heard the door open and in walked Bella and her father.

Wonderful.

She rushed to me, falling into my arms. I faked a smile and hugged her. Esme, Charlie and Carlisle started discussing the plans for the Europe trip. I stared at the wall.

"You could at least kiss me," Bella grumbled.

"Right, sorry," I said and pecked her quickly on the cheek.

"Nice Edward."

"I don't want to fight. Can you give me a minute. I have to make a..I have to take a piss," I said and hurried back upstairs.

"Edward," my mother yelled. "Don't be too long. We don't want to be late."

I ran back into my room, slammed the door and dialed Susan's number. For some reason, she had called me from her cell phone.

"Hello, Mrs. Hale? This is Edward."

Before I realized it, someone was banging on my door, yelling my name. My phone was in pieces on the floor, along with my life. Jasper was gone, ditched town his mother said. I couldn't even answer her. This was my fault. Holy shit, he left.

"Edward, what was that noise. Are you okay," Bella shouted.

"Edward, open the door," Carlisle said firmly.

I gathered up the pieces of my phone, clutching it in my fist. Some of the plastic pieces sliced into my hand. I could hear my mother pleading with me to open the door, Bella was demanding to know what was wrong and Carlisle and Bella's dad were devising a plan to kick open my door.

I let them stand out there a few more minutes before I opened the door. I brushed past them, dropping the broken phone into my dad's hand. He frowned, my mother looked terrified and Bella reached out to touch my arm, but I jerked away before she made contact.

"You win Bella," I whispered.

"Edward," my mother said softly.

I shook my head and walked away from them all, heading outside to stand by the car. The only thing I could feel was the blood dripping down my fingers.

We made it to school with not a minute to spare. Bella and I were shuffled to our places and the ceremony started. I don't remember the speeches that were supposed to inspire us to greatness. I kept trying to tell myself that this was what I wanted. I had chased him away because he couldn't be part of my life. It was for the best. It was a clean break, but I felt sick to my stomach and my chest hurt.

Someone nudged me.

"Fuck Cullen, they called your name man. Go get your diploma."

"Okay." I stared at the kid blankly. I couldn't even remember his name. I stumbled across the stage, taking my diploma from the principle, barely making it back to my seat. I felt like I was going to pass out, so I leaned forward, gripping the chair in front of me and hoping I wouldn't puke.

"Jasper Hale."

His name echoed through the auditorium that had gone eerily quiet. For some reason, I looked up almost hopeful that Jasper would be there, sauntering up to the stage. The principle said his name again and I watched Rosalie stand up, toss her hair over her shoulder and stride confidently up to the stage.

"I'll take it," she said softly. The principle eyed her and then called her name, handing her both books. A flicker of pain flashed across her face, but she squashed it and left the stage looking composed and confident. I was crumbling under the weight of everything. Sometime later the ceremony finished. I didn't move.

"Edward everyone's waiting," Bella said.

"I'll...later," I said pushing her away from me.

"Edward," she said.

I turned on her. "I need a fucking minute. Just give me one goddamn minute to...I'll meet you back at the house."

I put my face in my hands and listened to the click of her heels as she walked away from me. I'm not sure how long I sat in the silence. He haunted me. This past year had been so good and I had to go and ruin everything by taking the coward's way out. Why didn't I just fess up and tell him how I felt, how I _really _felt.

A small sob escaped and I leaned forward, crushing the diploma in my hand. I heard a click and I looked up to see Jasper's mother leaning against the doorway.

Fuck.

I thought she was going to turn and leave when she saw me, instead she walked purposely toward me. I wish she would've sent Rosalie to beat the shit out of me. Her blue eyes searched mine and we locked gazes. She was fighting back tears and me, I was trying to stay on my chair.

"Congratulations on graduating, Edward," she said and handed me a card. "Open it later."

To say I was a bit confused would be an understatement. Jasper must not have said anything about us to his family. My secret was safe but I didn't feel any better about the whole situation. I hated the secret. It was eating me alive.

"When you are ready, come talk to me," she said and walked away.

I don't remember the rest of the day. I'm not even sure how I got back to my house. I only knew that unopened card was burning a hole in my pocket.

It was about two in the morning when I finally sat down on my bed and opened the card. A picture fluttered to the floor, landing face down. All that was written on the back was a date. I flipped the photo over and slid off the bed. Jasper and me in his backyard sitting under a tree. His blond hair mixing with my bronze hair. My fingers entangled with his.

What had I done?

Fuck, I loved him. Anyone could see that from the picture. And now he was gone and I was stuck with a life I didn't want. It never even registered that Susan knew about us.

"Edward," my mother poked her head in my room.

"Yeah," I mumbled.

"Are you packed?"

"Yes," I lied.

"You should get some rest. We're leaving for the airport in a few hours."

I nodded.

"Are you okay baby?"

"Mom, I'm fine," I snapped.

She shook her head and left my room.

A few hours later and I was jammed in a car with a ton of luggage, my mother, Bella and my father who was singing along to the radio. I'm sure he was delighted. The lucky bastard didn't have to go over to Europe because he had to work.

Bella was snuggling up against me, trying to get me to talk.

"I'm really tired, Bella," I said.

"But did you hear, Jasper disappeared. He left some sort of note on the table telling everyone he was going off to find himself or some shit like that. I can't believe he just left," she said. I could hear the sarcasm dripping from her voice.

"What's that," Esme piped up. "You mean the boy just up and left? Is that why he wasn't at graduation?"

Bella leaned forward. "That's what I heard. Didn't even tell anyone where he was going."

"Edward, did you know about this?" Carlisle asked.

"No, why would I?"

"I thought you two were..."

"Dad, can we talk about something else," I snapped.

Bella sank back into the seat with a satisfied grin on her face. I stared out the window, wishing I could wipe the smirk off her face. I don't think I said another word until we were in the air and Esme came and sat down beside me while Bella was using the bathroom.

"I know I've asked you this several times, but are you okay? You can talk to me about anything?"

"It's nothing. I'll get over it," I said quietly. Bella came back and my mother moved back to her seat.

Bella looked at me when she slid into the seat. "Edward, I'm sorry," she said softly.

I gaped at her. I wasn't exactly sure what she was apologizing for and right now I didn't care. I shook my head and stared out the window into the dark sky.

Several hours later we landed in London. I could've cared less if the Queen herself would have met us at the gate. Bella and my mother had finally given up on me and left me alone. When we arrived at the hotel everyone went to bed. Bella didn't even try to sleep next to me. She was on her side of the bed and I stayed on mine, curled up in a ball with that picture tucked under my pillow.

For the next two days I stayed in the hotel room. My mother was worried and Bella was resigned to the fact that I was not a happy participant. I barely ate. On the third day Bella and my mother were preparing to go shopping. I was sitting out on the balcony with a cup of coffee and my picture tucked into the waistband of my jeans. I could hear them whispering and then the door clicked shut. I relaxed and pulled the picture out.

"Edward."

"Fuck," I hissed and tried to jam the picture back into my pants. "Mom, I thought you left."

"I can't take this anymore. What is going on? You aren't talking, you're not eating and you're not sleeping. You look like shit."

"Mom," I gasped when the word shit came out of her mouth. "I'm fine."

"You and I both know that's a load of bullshit."

Maybe it was because I was so tired or maybe it was because I just didn't give a fuck anymore. My chin dropped down to my chest and I closed my eyes as I handed the picture to her. She took it and I braced myself for whatever hammer was going to fall on my head.

I sucked in a deep breath. The pain in my chest was radiating through my entire body. A sob escaped before I could clamp down on the emotions.

"Oh Edward."

It wasn't hateful or laced with disappointment or disgust, so I looked up at her through my tear filled eyes.

"What are you doing?"

"What?" My voice cracked.

"Why are you here with Bella?"

"I thought..."

"You thought this is the life we wanted for you?"

"Y..Y..Yes." I stammered.

"Edward, all your father and I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I don't care who you are happy with. Why didn't you come to us?"

"I...oh god," I gasped and then the tears came in earnest. "He's gone Mom and it's my fault."

She moved to the floor and pulled me into her arms as best she could.

"I want to go home," I whispered.

"You need to talk to Bella," she said.

"I'm tired of hurting people."

"This isn't fair to her. And really Edward, she knows already. It's just taken her awhile to accept it. She really does love you."

I sighed.

"I'm going to go meet Bella for lunch. You should get some rest and then tonight talk to her. I will call your father and tell him to arrange for you to come home."

"Thanks Mom and I really am sorry."

"Oh Edward love is love and it doesn't matter who it's with."

That night I talked with Bella and though she wasn't too happy she actually understood a little, especially when she ripped the photo out of my pocket. It hit her hard to see Jasper and me together like that. I apologized for being an ass and leading her on. In my own way, I did love her; I just couldn't give her the life she deserved.

We both kept apologizing for all the shitty things we had done, but I didn't think it would ever be enough. She was angry and hurt and I was defeated. This whole thing was weird and made me uncomfortable but it was better than how I had been feeling. She moved into Esme's room.

Two days later, I was greeting my dad at the airport. Esme had discussed things with him and although he didn't understand everything about Jasper and me, he told me in no uncertain terms that I was a fucking idiot for thinking that he and mom would reject me because of who I chose to love.

Now I needed to talk to Susan Hale and Emmett and Rosalie and Alice. Christ, that was a long fucking list.

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

**Edward POV**

I sighed and pulled off my jeans, getting into bed. Tomorrow was going to be a long day. I slipped the picture under my pillow and silently sent a small prayer up to Susan to watch over her son.

* * *

**Don't ya wish all parents were so understanding? I know it's not like that for every kid that comes out but to me, love it love. ****Well...bites fingernails...let me know what ya thought...**

**Um, songs I used to get through this chapter...The Messenger by Linkin Park (freaking awesome new song. I urge you to check it out!) Open My Eyes by Buckcherry, Don't Walk Away by Sick Puppies...sigh...Once again thanks to everyone for reading this story...it started as an experiment but I really love this genre...As I said before Once ya go Slash...Snicker...Ooooh and it's Harry Potter next weekend! Can't wait, but being the Slash girl I am...well, let's just say I'll be quietly rooting for the Draco and Harry ending! Bwhahahahaha!**


	21. Chapter 21

**Sorry...sorry...that's all you're gonna get because I've been working on my other writing AND this chapter is really fecking LONG...I mean double the length that I usually post...so without further ado...let's read...**

**

* * *

Chapter 20 **

**When the Night Comes**

_Edward sighed and pulled off his jeans, getting into bed. Tomorrow was going to be a long day. He slipped the picture under his pillow and silently sent a small prayer up to Susan to watch over her son. _

**Present Day**

**Forks, Washington**

It was early in the morning when I opened my eyes. A small crack of light filtered in through the drawn shades of my mother's bedroom. I was still clutching the small photo album to my chest. I opened the little book again, staring at the photo of me and Edward and then the one of Edward in the auditorium. Did I want to forgive him? Could I forgive him?

Five years was a long time to be angry. I'd wasted the last five years on anger. But it _was_ five years and old habits are hard to break. I'd been angry for so long, I didn't think I even knew how to start letting it go. It had become part of who I was. It was sadly my normal. My relationships with everyone were based on that anger. No one was allowed to know me, no one was allowed to get close. It was too dangerous. I had exposed myself to Edward, given him everything and he broke me. I suppose I was still broken.

I'd walked away from my family, my home and my life because I was hurt and pissed off. Seems pretty silly when you think about it in such simplistic terms. I glanced down at the photo again. Edward didn't look like he got his happy ever after either. I wonder what happened to him? Where was Bella? Surely he moved on and forgot about me, but from all the cryptic talk, he didn't go anywhere.

"Jasper," Alice called softly from the doorway, startling me. "I'm sorry, but you didn't answer your cell phone and I got a little worried."

"It must be in my room," I said.

"Yeah," she said holding it up and tossing it to me.

"Sorry about that," I mumbled. "Oh god, I've got a krink in my fucking neck."

"Did you sleep up here?"

"Pretty fucking stupid huh." I felt a little embarrassed being busted sleeping in my mother's bedroom.

"I don't think so," she said softly, sitting down at the edge of the bed.

"You seen these?" I asked as I shoved the book into her hands.

"Yeah, Edward has these two," she answered.

"Really?"

She nodded and ran her finger over the picture of Edward and I leaning against the tree. "Your mom gave this one to him in his graduation card. It's sorta how their friendship started. He needed someone to lean on and she did too."

I sighed and turned away from Alice. "I hurt so many people."

"You both did."

"I'm not sure what to do now?"

"Well first we need to get through this day and then if you want, we can talk. We always seem to get interrupted," she said as she tilted her head and gave me a sad smile.

"He's going to be there," I said flatly.

"He deserves to be there Jaz," she stated.

"So I've been told," I said feeling very resigned.

"Ya know, we have a little time before we have to start getting ready for the funeral. If you're up for it, you could read some more from Edward's journals. He was really fucked up when he came back from Europe."

A look of confusion came over my face. "How do you know what he wrote."

She snorted. "Don't freak out Jasper, I didn't sneak a read or anything. Edward actually read a little of that one to me."

"What," I shouted. "You and him..."

"Jasper," she growled. "This wasn't just about you. Besides your mother made me."

"My mother made you?"

She crossed her arms over her chest. "Believe me, I wanted nothing to do with Edward Cullen. I blamed this whole fiasco on him. I firmly believed he took you away from me but you didn't see him when he came back from Seattle...just read the journal."

"But my mother?"

"She said we were all acting like morons. Yes, she included you, but I think she was giving you a free pass, saying that you would come around. She knew you were stubborn, but I don't think she realized that you would stay away for five years. She always told us that when you were ready to forgive, you would be back. Only you never came back."

Hanging my head and turning away from her was easier than trying for a come back to that statement.

"I'm going to take a shower," I mumbled and rolled off the bed. Alice followed me downstairs, telling me she would make some breakfast for me.

I methodically went through the motions of getting cleaned up and dressed for my mother's funeral. I wandered upstairs to grab a bite to eat because it was easier than refusing Alice. She would probably just shove the food down my throat. There was hot coffee, muffins and fresh fruit sitting on the table along with a vase filled with flowers and a note telling me she ran home to get changed. Sitting next to my plate was the journal. It was very thoughtful of Alice but in truth I would have preferred a nice big fat joint for breakfast.

Since this was going to be a shitty day anyway, I figured I might as well make it even worse by looking at some of Edward's journal.

_**Edward's Journal**_

_**Five Years Ago **_

_**~ Late June or Early July it's hard to tell...**_

_it felt odd to be back in Forks. It was the same old town, but I was definitely not the same person I had been when I got on that stupid plane to go over to Europe. I thought the distance and time away would erase Jasper, but it didn't, if anything it made it worse. I moped around the house for several days, barely leaving my room. Carlisle tried to get me to engage in some type of conversation,but I really didn't have anything to say. I know he wanted to ask about Jasper but he didn't know how to bring it up. He did manage to tell me that Charlie was not very happy with me, like that was a big fucking surprise. I didn't expect him to welcome me with open arms after I broke his daughter's heart. I'm sure he wanted to kill me or at least beat the shit out of me. I planned to stay away from him._

_It took me a week before I could gather up enough courage to go talk to Jasper's mother. I waited until I knew Rosalie wouldn't be around. I didn't know what she knew but I'm sure she was ready to rip my balls off and ask questions later. I heard she and Emmett took off to go look at the campus in Seattle. I really hoped things work out for them. Someone deserved happiness._

_When I pulled into Jasper's driveway I almost didn't get out of the car, but I felt I owed it to her. I was almost hoping she wouldn't be home but when she answered the door she pulled me into a hug. If I was her, I would've fucking slapped me across the face. She told me she had only heard from Jasper once since he left. He told her not to worry, that he just needed some time to figure out some shit. I knew I was that shit, but Susan insisted it wasn't my fault that Jasper had decided to disappear. I didn't fucking believe her. It was an awkward conversation and made me feel sick to my stomach. We never said the words out loud but I could see it in her eyes that she knew about my relationship with her son. I guess the picture she took of us was a pretty big clue that we were more than friends. I kept waiting for her to tell me I was scum for fucking up her life and for hurting Jasper. _

_Before I left, Susan told me to try and not dwell on all the painful things. She wanted me to learn to accept who I was and not be ashamed of everything. _

_**~July**_

_It's a Tuesday sometime in July. To be honest, I've lost track of time since I came back from Europe. My dad is worried about me and threatening to have me committed or some shit. I don't give a damn. He doesn't understand what's going on with me. It was just a break-up he tells me. I'm not sure if he means the break-up between me and Bella or what happened with Jasper. It has absolutely nothing to do with Bella. I miss Jasper and it's slowly killing me._

_Mom and Bella are finally back from Europe. There was a forced meeting with Bella that didn't go over to well. I managed to apologize but I really don't think it meant shit to her. She's moving to Portland in the fall to go to school. _

_**~September**_

_I'm supposed to be heading off to Seattle to start college in two days. I barely remember registering but I figured it would get my parents off my back. _

_There is still no word from Jasper. His mom called me a few more times to tell me if I ever needed to talk about things...I'm not ready. I wonder if I'll ever be ready to talk about it. I can barely stand to think about him. It hurts too fucking much. _

_**~October **_

_I'm sitting in some stupid fucking dorm room at college. In ten minutes I'm going to call Esme and Carlisle to tell them I'm quitting school. I got a job as a bartender. I know Edward Cullen is underage but Robert Thomas isn't. I've adopted a new identity. Yep, I'm on the fast track to the top of the fucking world. _

_**~November **_

_To say that my parents were impressed with my decision to quit school...yeah, not so much. They are trying to understand what's going on in my life but I don't really know how to explain why I'm still hung up on Jasper. It's just easier not to say anything. _

_**~?**_

_This entry isn't going to make much sense cuz I'm stinking drunk tonight. Some guy tried to hit on me tonight. Said he'd give me a quick blow behind the bar...didn't happen...even if he had pretty blond hair...Jaz wherever you are I'm fucking sorry...I made a mistake_

_~Hung over...again...There's some random guy picking up his clothes off my floor. I wonder if he was with me or my roommate. _

_~I looked at a calendar today and I've been in Seattle for three years. It's not working out for me and before I end up face down in the gutter somewhere, I'm going home. _

_~For the past three years I've only made a handful of entries in this journal. I used to write almost daily. Today I'm sitting in the park by my old high school. I came home with my tail between my legs because I was on the fast track to an early grave. Carlisle and Esme welcomed me back with open arms, but I suppose that's what parent's do. Esme and I actually had a nice talk the other night. I didn't tell her much. Maybe Bella had filled in a lot of the blanks. I never realized how transparent I had been. My mother assured me that only those close to me could see how I felt about him. I looked at her and told her that I never even told him that I loved him. It felt good to say the words out loud even though I wasn't saying them to the right person. Oh and never mind that I was three years too late. _

_So now I'm waiting for Susan Hale to meet me. She told me to call when I was ready to talk and I think I'm finally ready plus I'm hoping she has some word on Jasper. I'm not sure what I'm going to say to her,I just feel that I have to talk to her. I still owe her. _

_**Two years Ago**_

_**Forks, Washington **_

_**Edward's POV**_

It had been three weeks since I left that shit hole I called home in Seattle. It wasn't a hard decision to make. It was either stay and die or come back home and try to live again.

Carlisle had come to pick me and my few belongings up and bring me back home. I could tell he wanted to ask questions but he held his tongue and I'll give him credit for that. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk, it was more that I didn't know what to say.

I think I slept almost an entire week, before my body and my brain started to settle down. The second week I was home I dragged out my journals from high school. It had been three years and I still missed him and regretted the decision to let him go. After reading them I made the decision to call Susan Hale.

I was gripping my cell phone like I wanted to crush it as I jammed out the phone number. I couldn't believe I was fucking doing this but it was time to try to put the past behind me and move forward.

"Hello, Mrs. Hale...uh okay, Susan, this is...oh you know who this is...can we talk..."

Weird conversation but here I was sitting in the park waiting for Jasper's mom to meet me.

"Edward."

A lump formed in my throat when I looked up and saw those blue eyes staring back at me. Jasper had his mother's eyes.

I shoved the crumpled picture of Jasper and me into my journal and slammed the book closed. "Thanks for meeting with me," I mumbled.

She smiled at me and pulled me into a hug. I still think I would have been more comfortable with a slap to the face. I tried to struggle but she held me firmly, whispering that it was so good to see me. I bet she would have given anything for it to be Jasper instead of me.

She finally released me and we sat down.

"I see you're still carrying the picture."

"Uh, you saw that, have you heard from him?"

"Oh, he calls occasionally, but he doesn't really tell me much. He called two months ago when he was in New Orleans playing some club, but I'm sure he's moved on since then."

I took a deep breath and stared up at the sky. "I've never taken the time to tell you that I'm sorry."

"Edward, it's not me who needs the apology."

"I..I.."

"I know," she said softly, covering my hand with hers. "He's stubborn, just like you and even though I want him to come home, I'm not begging him. It has to be his decision."

We spent the rest of the afternoon talking about everything but Jasper.

Two months later, Susan got the diagnosis and I made the decision to stay at home until she got better.

**Present Day **

**Fork, Washington**

"Hey Jasper," Alice shouted from the front door.

"In the kitchen," I yelled back.

She was dressed in a subdued black dress that matched the look on her face. I sighed. It was time to formally say goodbye to my mother.

"You look nice," I said, offering a small smile.

"Thanks so do you," she said as she straightened my tie.

"I need to grab my guitar and then we can go," I mumbled and grabbed my suit jacket. "Hey, aren't we supposed to be going in a limo?"

"Oh I used my charms and begged off on it. So no, we're going in my car."

"Oh thank god," I said.

"Do you know what you're going to sing?"

"Naw, Mama will let me know what she wants to hear," I said, grinning at her. "I hope it's something totally inappropriate."

"Yeah, you should play something like..."

"Alice," I warned. "Don't put a song in my head right now. I want it to be from Mama."

"Okay," she snickered.

All I could do was shake my head.

"Jasper, before we go, you're supposed to read this," she said handing me another white envelope with my name on it.

"Ah, now," I groaned.

"Hey I'm just following your mom's orders. You cannot blame the messenger."

"Fuck," I hissed and ripped the letter open. Might as well get it over with. It was better to rip the bandage off quickly rather than prolong the pain.

_Dear Jasper, _

_I know you're feeling pretty low right now and you're probably being pulled in fifty different directions but there is only one direction to follow and that's the way of the heart. Look inside and find your way home, baby. Remember none of us ever knows when our time is up...don't waste your life on anger and other trivial things. Let the bad stuff dissolve and go after the good things like love and happiness. _

_Remember that I will always love you no matter what you choose as long as you are truly happy. Take the chance...I promise it will be worth it..._

_Love always, Mama_

"Can she read my mind? I thought you were the only fucking psychic around here? I was thinking about my anger this morning and I really am tired of it. It's hard work to stay pissed off." I said as I jammed the letter into my pocket.

Alice smiled and took my hand again. What was with these women that had swooped back into my life. They were intent on driving me mad. I'm sure Mama was thrilled that I finally admitted to myself that it was time to let go of the anger and hate. We stopped in the living room to grab the guitar. I can't believe I was going to play Edward's guitar at the funeral with him in attendance. Life was more than strange.

When we pulled into the parking lot at the church it started to drizzle. I grabbed the guitar and waited for Alice to get out of the car.

"Oh Jaz, I'll be right back. I forgot..."

I never did find out what the fuck she forgot because she rolled the window up and took off before I could say anything. What the hell was that all about? I cannot believe Alice just took off and left me here by myself at the church. The drizzle was quickly turning to rain so I decided it was better to be mad at her inside the church. So much for letting go of anger.

The moment I opened the door I was assaulted by the sound of a piano. The notes wove through the air, enveloping me in a sadness that touched my soul. I immediately knew the song and the person playing even before I peeked into the sanctuary.

There in the front of the church, seated at the baby grand was Edward Cullen. I set the guitar down and silently slid into the pew. A soft light illuminated his face and highlighted the dark circles under his eyes. His eyes were closed and he was lost in the music. I always loved to watch Edward play the piano. I never told him I used to sneak into the music room at school and watch him practice. The sight of him touching the keys was intoxicating and very erotic. It was a captivating scene and then he started to sing and I disappeared into his voice.

_Let's start over again_

_Why can't we start it over again_

_Just let us start it over again_

_And we'll be good_

_This time we'll get it..._

_Get it right_

_It's our last chance to forgive ourselves_

A small part of me wondered who Edward was thinking about when he sang those words. If I looked far enough inside, there was a small spark that hoped it was me.

When the song ended, Edward's shoulders sagged forward and I was pretty sure silent tears were slipping down his cheeks.

"Susan," he whispered. "I know you're here. I can feel you."

I leaned forward, knowing I shouldn't be eavesdropping but I couldn't move.

"I've tried to talk to him, but he hates me. I can't say I blame him. I hate me too. I just don't have the strength anymore to fight with him. I know you told me that it would be worth the fight, but I don't think anything good will ever come of it, so I'm giving up and finally letting go of him. I came today because you asked and because I need to say a proper goodbye to you. Emmett told me Carlisle let you know I was out in the yard that evening. I really wanted to come upstairs," he choked and quietly shut the lid of the piano.

"Just so you know, thank you for everything you did for me. You really did save me when I thought I wasn't worth saving. I'm still not totally convinced but thank you for taking the time for me."

He lowered his head and angrily wiped the tears with the back of his hand. I never figured that Edward could cry. I always thought of him as an uncaring bastard with a heart of stone or maybe no heart at all.

It was hard to see him this way. I thought I would be rejoicing and fist pumping the air because he was hurting like he made me hurt, but for some reason I wasn't. My stomach was twisted in knots and my heart was banging against my rib cage like it trying to escape. Seeing him in pain was supposed to fix me. I watched him as he slowly stood up from the piano. He let out a long breath as he ran his fingers over the top of the piano.

Even though he was thinner and incredibly pale, he's still a sight to behold. Edward tugged at his hair, keeping his eyes focused on the floor. This probably wasn't the best time to let him see me so I silently slipped out without him noticing me. He was too busy trying to get his tie straightened out. A silly urge to rush up and help him rushed over me. The thought unnerved me but then Rosalie and Emmett were suddenly standing next to me.

"We're supposed to go downstairs before all the people start coming," Rosalie said.

I barely heard her. For some reason there's a loud buzzing in my head as I try not to focus on the words Edward spoke in the church. Rosalie repeated herself and I nod at her, picking up Edward's guitar case and follow them down the stairs. Someone hugs me, but I'm not sure who it is. There will probably be a lot of that today. I sink back into my own thoughts. At some point Alice shows up, latching onto my arm. I eye her suspiciously and she shrugs her shoulders at me. I think the evil little vixen knew that Edward would be there when she conveniently forgot something.

Someone touches my arm and tells us it's time to go upstairs. I feel sick again and wish it was all over. I don't know how I'm going to get through this moment.

"Don't forget to breathe Jaz. Mama wouldn't want you to drop over or anything," said Rosalie.

I looked up into my twin sister's beautiful blue eyes and almost lost my shit. "I...I...I'm sorry."

It's pathetic but I don't know what else to say. Rosalie rolls her eyes. "For fucks sake, quit apologizing. It's fine Jasper, really, you're here and that's all that matters."

We both giggle because it's kind of funny listening to Rosalie swear in church.

Things blurred again as we made our way up to the sanctuary. The only thing I could feel was Alice's hand in mine. Someone was talking, there was some more music and then I felt an overwhelming sadness settle around me.

Alice elbowed me in the side.

"It's time to sing Jasper," she whispered.

"Okay." I answered mechanically. She stood with me, holding my hand, leading me to where the guitar was waiting. I wondered who brought it up here.

"You'll be fine," she said, patting me on the shoulder. "No one is here. This is for your Mama."

Alice was right. No one was here and I could feel my mother everywhere. I took a deep breath and started to play a version of _Amazing Grace _by Rod Stewart. The arrangement was bluesy and rough, but absolutely perfect. The church was totally silent. There was no one shifting in their seats or squirming around. They are listening to music that I'm sending up to my mama.

When I'm rounding home with the last verse, I finally get up the nerve to open my eyes and look at the people who are here to pay their respects to my mother and my family. Rosalie is leaning against Emmett. His nose is buried in her hair. Alice has her eyes closed, swaying to the music with tears running down her face. I scan the entire congregation and I suddenly realize that who I'm looking for is not there.

I finished the song, satisfied with what I played and how I sounded. With a glance up toward the heavens, I smile and then stand, lean the guitar against the chair and walk out of the sanctuary. The echo of my boots against the tile floor rings in my ears. No one makes a move to follow me and I'm so thankful to my family and friends for allowing me to walk out of the service. I've said my goodbyes and made my peace. It's time to tie up some other loose ends and move on with my life.

I shove the doors of the church open. For a few moments the sky has cleared and bright sunlight hits my face. I know he's near. I can feel his presence. I round the corner and spot him leaning against a tree.

For the first time in five years, I actually look at him and what I see really does surprise me. This was not the Edward I remembered. His shoulders were slumped forward, like he's trying to hide his height so he wouldn't be noticed. His copper hair was still a disheveled mess, but it looked dull. He kept running his fingers through it. It wasn't until his eyes met mine that the extent of him hit me. The once vibrant green eyes were sad and lifeless, almost flat. He nodded his head slightly and then turned his gaze up to the sky. It made my fucking chest hurt.

I'm not sure what to do, but Edward makes that decision for me. He rushes by me accidentally brushing my arm as he whispers a quick 'sorry for your loss.' I'm too stunned to move as I watch him make a mad dash for that shitty silver Volvo.

"Wait Edward, fuck," I said. I'm surprised when my legs start working and carry me to his car. What the fuck am I doing?

I reach the car just as he's starting to back out so I grab at the door handle but it's locked. I bang on the window. Edward stops but doesn't move. He's gripping the steering wheel so hard it may turn to shavings in his hand if he doesn't release it.

"Open the fucking door," I shout. I'm sure it's loud enough for everyone in the church to hear but I don't give a damn anymore.

He still doesn't move and the sun has now gone under a cloud which has decided to open up and start sprinkling on me.

"It's starting to rain Edward. Open the goddamn door," I said and bang once more. I heard the lock click and once again, I wonder if this might be the stupidest thing I've ever done and I've done a lot of stupid things.

The rain came down harder and I began to wonder if my mother was hovering over me pouring buckets of water over my head to get me to move.

"Fine Mama, you win, I'll talk to the bastard," I muttered and pulled the door handle. I climbed into the seat and immediately, I'm transported back in time.

Fucking hell.

**Five Years Ago**

**Forks, Washington**

**One Month Before Graduation**

"Fuck Edward, are you crazy, Chief Swan could bust us at any minute. He knows your fucking car. Hell, everyone knows this goddamn car," I said, but Edward ignored me and yanked me into the back seat. The car wasn't very big and two grown guys wrestling around in the backseat wasn't an easy fit. Finally Edward is hovering over me with a very predatory gleam in his eye and I'm done for. I can't resist him and he knows it.

"Come on Jaz, no one is going to find us," he whispered as he ran his tongue along the shell of my ear. I groaned, arching my back so I could push my aching hard-on into his thigh.

"I need you."

He says it so softly I'm not sure I was meant to hear it, so I don't respond to him. He never says stuff like that and I'm scared to say anything about the feelings that are threatening to swallow me.

Everything has been overwhelming me lately. I don't talk to Alice anymore. It's been a few months since our major break-up. The school thinks I cheated on her with some bimbo when we were in Seattle. Too bad the bimbo is Edward Cullen. The school would probably shut down if they knew what really happened. I'm surprised Alice never blabbed it all over school. I never said his name out loud, but she knew. I could see it in her eyes when I broke her fucking heart. She warned me, telling me I would get mine and I'm sure she is right because school is winding down and he hasn't said anything or broke up with Bella yet. I chastised myself for thinking about this when I had him pressed against me. I was only going to live in the moment. Fuck the future.

He started grinding against me, setting a slow and torturous pace. I let it go on for another three minutes before I thought I was going to explode with need. I worked my hand in between us, opening the button on his jeans and shoved my hand down his pants.

Edward wasn't wearing any underwear. My fingers gripped his shaft and squeezed. He collapsed on me, driving all the air out of my lungs, but I didn't give a shit.

"You like that," I gasped.

"More Jaz, more," he panted.

It wasn't very comfortable or easy with Edward sprawled over me. I could barely move my hand, but it seemed to be enough because he was coming undone very quickly. I could feel his dick pulsing so I loosened my grip and let him set the pace. His thrusting became more frantic so I gave him a tight squeeze. Edward's body stiffened and I think his orgasm took him by surprise because he screamed my name as he filled my fist with his hot cum.

He didn't move for a few seconds, but then he jumped into action. He grabbed my pants, yanking on them so they come down to rest on my thighs. Edward stared at me, still breathing hard and then lowered his head, pushing his body up away from mine. He has one knee between my legs and his other leg is on the floor. When his fingers wrapped around the base of my dick I forgot the awkward position we were in. Somehow Edward is able to slide his mouth over the head of my cock. I can't help it when I buck into his mouth. He presses his palm against my hip, stilling my movement. I can tell he wants control so I give it to him. He can have whatever he wants as long as he doesn't stop sucking my cock.

"Please," I rasp, begging for any sort of movement.

He raises his head and I meet his stare. His pupils have blown so his green eyes are almost jet black.

"Watch me," he commands.

Some noise comes out of my mouth but it certainly is not part of the English language.

"Keep your eyes on me or I'll stop," he warns and then with one swift movement he swallows me whole and I can barely keep my eyes open because it feels so fucking good. I'm not sure I can see him anyway. He's a little blurry. I feel his fingers move from my cock to caress my sac, tracing the outline of my balls and slowly slipping closer to my hole.

Spit is dribbling out of his mouth, rolling down my shaft and Edward sweeps some of it up with his fingers. He doesn't seem satisfied with it so removes his mouth from my cock and runs his fingers through my slit, gathering up some of the liquid that is leaking. I squirm and hold my breath. He eyes me to make sure I'm still focused on him. Once he is pleased with the amount of lubrication, his mouth is back on my cock and I want to scream when I feel that spit covered finger breach my hole.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck."

Soon baby, very soon," he growls.

One finger has turned into two. He starts twisting them, hitting my prostate each time.

"Edward," I whine as flashes of light fill the car. I wonder if its lightning outside.

I'm on the brink and I really want to come because I think I've been hard for at least an hour. Probably longer because he mercilessly teased me at the party wit stolen glances and subtle touches. He even yanked me into a closet, pulled my t-shirt up and gave me a fucking huge hickey on my collarbone. Emmett would have spazzed if he would have needed a clean pair of pants.

"Yes, harder," I scream and then the fucker ceases all movement. My cock throbs and I burn with need. "Goddamn it Edward!"

His fingers are still in me but he's not moving. My cock slides out of his mouth and bounces on my belly. I thrust my hips up but Edward leans on me so I can't move. I want to cry, beg him to keep going.

He sits up and drags me closer to him, raising my ass off the car seat. I lift my legs and brace my feet on the door. Soon I feel his cock pressing against me and I'm happy, gleeful because he's going to fill me and I'm going to get some relief. He pushes slowly. I whine because I want him to slam into me and fuck me into tomorrow. I manage to get one leg hooked around him and I pull my body to his. His cock slides into me and this time it's Edward who is whining. I buck again and Edward lets go of his restraint, pulling out and pounding back into me.

"Holy fuck," I shouted or maybe it was Edward that was screaming. I start to worry that the whole town will hear us but then Edward brushes my spot and I don't give a fuck, because it feels fucking awesome and I remember I'm only living in the moment. This is the future.

Edward's hand wraps around my cock and he starts to stroke in time with his frantic thrusts.

This time it's me that gets a surprise when my entire body seizes and I shoot ropes of hot cum all over my stomach and chest. I can feel my body clenching around Edward as I manage to drag an eye open. His head is thrown back and he's quietly chanting my name.

"Jasper," he screams and comes hard for the second time in less than an hour.

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

"Uh, I'm not sure where you want to go," Edward said quietly. His voice snaps me out of my coma and I realize I'm sweating and fucking rock hard. I manage to pull my suit jacket down, but I don't dare move too much because it's going to be obvious that I'm having some difficulty. Fucking hell, why did I think about that particular evening.

"Where are we," I ask.

"I stopped at the park," he whispered.

OH. MY. FUCK.

Was the bastard reading my mind? I'm not sure if I should yell at him to get the fuck out of here or pretend like it's nothing. Edward shifts awkwardly in his seat and I realize that we have been driving around for twenty minutes not saying a word as I fantasized about one of our many rendezvous in his fucking car. I should have called a taxi.

"Er, sorry this is just..." I search my mind for an appropriate word. "Uh, weird."

"I'll just take you back to the church," Edward mumbles, sounding defeated. He doesn't look at me. He is too busy focusing on the dashboard of his car. I roll my eyes, but realize that he is as uncomfortable as me.

"No," I practically shout. "I've said my goodbyes. I don't need to be manhandled by the rest of this fucking town. I don't want their sympathy."

"Should I take you home," he asks.

"I need a drink," I announce. Edward looks at me, staring for a few minutes before he finally nods and starts the car again. I glanced back at the park and look at the backseat. My face flames and I wonder if Edward notices my strange behavior. I really need a drink.

"Where are we going," I ask as we pass the last bar in town before we are out on the highway.

"Uh, I thought we'd get out of Forks and go farther up the road. You said you didn't want to deal with anyone in town."

"Oh right. That's a good idea," I agree with him.

It's too quiet in the car so I reach to turn the radio on. Edward is doing the same thing. Our fingers brush and I feel like I've been electrocuted. My whole body is on fire again and before I can stop my perverted mind, I'm thinking about the encounter in the backseat.

"Sorry, go ahead," Edward mumbled and shook his hand. I'm wondering if he felt the same thing or maybe he's totally repulsed by me. I don't know what to fucking think.

My phone starts ringing so I pull it out of my pocket. Alice's name pops up on the screen. What the fuck am I going to tell her?

"Alice," I mutter and I think I hear Edward snicker.

"Hi Alice."

She talks really fast and doesn't ask me where I am or who I'm with. She's just calling to make sure I'm okay. She wants me to know that everyone was totally blown away by the song. I tell her I'm fine and not to wait up. She tells me she's staying at her home tonight unless I call her. I thank her and as I'm about to hang up the phone I swear she says be nice and don't blow it.

I hang up the phone and stare out the window. The silence is killing me so finally I just blurt out a question that has been haunting me since the first time I saw him.

"Where's Bella," I ask.

Edward cringes. "Um, last I heard she was living in Portland."

"Where do you live?"

"No where," he said.

"What's that supposed to mean," I ask.

"Uh, fuck," he said gripping the steering wheel again. "I'm..."

"Just answer the fucking question," I snapped.

His lips thinned and I think I could hear his teeth grinding. "I've been in Forks since your mother got sick. We were sorta friends and I wanted to be there for her."

"Oh," I said. I was going to ask him about Bella again but he started talking before I could get the question formed in my mouth.

"Look Jasper, let me help you out here. I thought you would have read those fucking journals. But maybe you didn't read any of them," Edward sighed and started muttering to himself.

"I've read some of them," I grumble.

"Christ, it used to be easy to talk to you," he blew out a breath of air. "Sorry. Fuck. Ugh, Bella is married to some guy named Jacob Black. They have three kids and I haven't seen her for almost two years. We don't keep in touch."

Edward sighed again and put the brakes on. He turned the car into a parking lot of some bar. "Fuck I need a drink," I stammered.

"You aren't the only one," he said and got out of the car. He tossed his suit jacket into the backseat and pulled out a leather jacket. My jacket joined his, along with my tie. I untucked my shirt and mussed up my hair.

"Here," he said tossing me a sweatshirt.

"Thanks," I mumbled. His scent flooded my nose when I zipped up the sweatshirt. It was hard for me to stay focused. All I could think of was burying my nose in his hair. Fuck, this whole thing was rather disturbing and I started to wonder if it was such a good idea to be hanging out with Edward. Is that what we were doing? I considered it for about three seconds and decided that we weren't hanging out. Hanging out was something friends did and so far we were barely speaking to each other.

"Fuck," I hissed under my breath and followed Edward into the bar trying not to let my eyes drift to his ass.

"Hey Cullen," someone shouted.

"Cullen, long time," another person yelled.

I heard a few other people call out greetings to him.

"Hey man, good to see ya," the bartender said as we came up to the bar. Edward gave him a smile. "Who's your friend?"

Edward froze and gaped at the guy. I'm sure he was surprised by the friend word or maybe it was the fact that the bartender was looking at me like I was a glass a fine wine.

"Jasper Hale," I said, saving Edward from introducing me.

"Nice to meet you," he said. "What'll ya have?"

"Tequila," Edward said firmly. "And beer."

It was going to be an interesting evening. Maybe I should order a soda but I don't and I begin to wonder if I should give Alice a call to warn her. Although I'm not exactly sure what I would be warning her about. Many different scenarios float through my head and they were all somewhat disturbing so I shut my mind off and told myself to let go. This is what my mother wanted. Live in the moment. Don't leave anything on your list. You know all that fucking hopeful bullshit.

We sat down at a table close to the bar but away from everyone else. It's dark and quiet. The bartender signals Edward and he leaves to go get our drinks. I catch myself staring at the way Edward's dress pants hug his ass.

Where the fuck is that drink?

Edward leans against the bar and falls into an easy conversation with the bartender. They seem to know each other well. Edward laughs and then scowls, punching the guy lightly in the arm. A sour feeling seeps into my stomach and I have to look away. Edward returns to our table carrying a tray of drinks.

"Are you turning into a waiter," I ask.

"Huh," he looks at me and then down at the tray. "Oh, no, these are all for us."

There are six shots of tequila, a bowl of lemons, a salt shaker and four beers on the tray.

"Are you sure no one is joining us?"

"Do you want someone to join us. Jared already asked about the pretty blond with me."

I'm about to ask who Jared is but Edward waves at the bartender and I catch on quickly. I decide it's time to do a shot.

Edward hands me a glass and a lemon. "I'm just gonna do this one with no condiments."

"Okay," he said and put his lemon wedge back on the tray.

"Join me okay."

He nods and gives me a small smirk.

"To Mama...I'm not settling anymore..."

"Me neither," Edward whispers and slams his drink. I grimace as the alcohol burns its way down to my stomach. I take a long drink of my beer.

"My turn," Edward says and pushes another tequila at me.

"To Susan..." I can tell he wanted to say something else but he seems to change his mind and downs the drink.

I follow and quickly chase the shot with another drink of beer or maybe it was two drinks of beer.

We talk about nothing for a few minutes before Edward is pushing the third shot at me.

"To new beginnings," he says softly. I'm left wondering what he means by that, but my head is a little foggy so I just slam the drink and push the feelings away. I don't want to feel anything. I like to be numb. It's much less complicated if feelings are not involved.

Jared wanders over and joins us for a few drinks. I'm starting to feel tipsy. Yeah, fuck, I'm feeling more than tipsy. I passed tipsy when we did the fourth shot of tequila, toasting Alice, Emmett and Rosalie.

Jared bumps against me one too many times and I'm starting to get the idea that he may be more than interested in me. I think I heard Edward growl and Jared eventually slinks back to the bar.

"I have ta piss," I kinda shout.

Edward laughs and tries to stand. I shove him back into the chair and stumble down the hall to the can.

I finish and wash my hands, staring at the guy in the mirror. I'm not sure who he is because he looks slightly like me, but for some reason the scowl isn't on his face. Maybe some of the anger is going away.

Edward is sipping on his beer and I take a few seconds to admire him. He really is quite nice. His lips are wrapped around the bottle and his fingers are gripping the neck. My face flushes as I remember his lips and fingers somewhere else.

Stop thinking about that shit. It's just wrong. You hate Edward. He hurt you.

Edward sees me and grins, making me forget everything.

I weave back to the table and notice my chair is a lot closer to Edward than it was when I went to the bathroom. I sit down and my knee bumps against his leg. It's suddenly very warm in this fucking bar.

"How are we gonna get back to Forks," I ask leaning into him.

"Jared's gonna make sure we get home," Edward slurs.

"I'm not gonna have ta blow him or anything am I," I ask with wide eyes.

Edward's head falls back and he laughs loudly. "Do ya wanna?"

"Uh no," I say and take another drink of beer.

"Thank god," Edward says loudly. I look at him and his cheeks color a nice shade of pink.

My mind starts to wander again and my pants are becoming increasingly tight so I excuse myself, announcing that I must use the can again. Broke the fucking seal ya know. I pull at the edge of Edward's sweatshirt hoping it's long enough to hide the obvious bump that's taken up residence in my pants.

"Fucking hell," I groan as I push my way into the bathroom.

It's takes me awhile to conjure up enough horrible thoughts to get my aching erection under control. I'm almost done when I hear the door open and someone else enters. Thankfully the awful thoughts of tits and other girl parts softened my dick so I could tuck it back in without much of a problem. I turned to go to the sink and run into Edward.

"Oof, sorry," I grunt.

"You've been gone a long time. I thought you got lost," his voice trails off. "Or left."

I stare at him and find myself drowning in his haunted green eyes. It scares the shit out of me so I back up and run into the sink.

This room is too fucking small and he's too close and suddenly the last five years don't seem to matter anymore. I think the alcohol drowned those memories.

"Naw, I ain't gonna walk all the way back to Forks," I announce turning to wash my hands. "It's too goddamn far."

I dry my hands, laugh and pat him on the back. He shrinks away from my touch and I wonder if I imagined his closeness. I don't think he wants me to touch him. Of course, whenever I think I've got Edward figured out he goes and changes the rules.

"You're driving me insane. I don't know what to do. This whole thing is crazy. I can't get a read on you and I'm so fucking scared to say the wrong thing. God, I wish your mother was still around so I could call her and ask her advice," he gasped. "Oh fuck, I'm sorry that was a stupid thing to say."

I chuckled because it's fucking funny thinking about Edward wanting to call my mother and ask her how to seduce me in a men's bathroom. I snorted again and then started really laughing. Edward stares at me like I've lost my fucking mind and maybe I have because I reach out to steady myself with his arm. My hand burns when I feel his skin under my palm.

Edward's breathing stops and he gasps but doesn't pull away. "See," he says. "Yesterday in the lawyer's office I swear you wanted to kill me. What the hell is going on? _Are _you trying to lure me somewhere and then do away with me?"

Edward seems a little high strung at the moment so I release his arm. He groans and looks disappointed.

"I really don't want to have this conversation in this bathroom."

Edward grumbles but agrees with me as we noisily exit the bathroom. Jared is waiting for us at our table with a frown on his face. I think he's upset I'm not interested in him. I could give a fuck.

"You guys ready? I'm tired so if you're riding back to town with me..." he grumbles.

"Thanks Jared. I owe you one," Edward said.

"Yeah, yeah," he mutters.

We follow him to the parking lot. Edward makes sure his precious Volvo is locked. I stare longingly at the backseat and have to discreetly adjust myself. We decide to leave our discarded clothing in the car and worry about it tomorrow.

Jared seems to be pouting so Edward bounces ahead of me to talk to him. It's been a long exhausting day and if anyone would have suggested that I would end the evening stumbling through a parking lot looking for a car to ride home with Edward, well, no one in their right mind would have thought that except...I reached into my back pocket and took out the crushed letter from Mama.

_Let the bad stuff dissolve and go after the good things like love and happiness. _

Edward and Jared were laughing. I know I was drunk but it was nice to hear Edward's laugh again. Something I thought I would never hear again. This was fucking nuts.

"Fuck," I hissed. "How stupid is this? What the hell am I doing? Goddamn it Mama, I don't know if I can do this? He scares the shit out of me. I can't just drop my defenses. They've been up a fucking long time. I need a sign...please."

In the middle of my whispered raving, it started to sprinkle and I had no choice but to race over to the car. Edward jumps in and a piece of paper slips out of his pocket. I bend down to collect it and move to hand it back to him. It's not scrap paper, it's a crumpled picture and when I turn it over everything goes fuzzy because it's the picture of Edward and me in my backyard.

"Thank you," Edward whispers and takes the picture from my hand, tucking it safely in his back pocket.

Must be Mama again. I swear I think she wants me to get back with Edward.

* * *

**Well...there ya go...they are talking again...sort of...nothing earth shattering yet...but sometimes talk is overrated...Songs used in this chapter..._Exogenesis III by Muse, Amazing Grace by Rod Stewart and Whataya Want From Me by Adam Lambert...Thanks for sticking with me through my adventure into Slash. I appreciate all the reviews and lurkers who are reading this story. As always, you guys rock my world. Hoping to get back on schedule with the updates but I've got other writing commitments. Seriously though, this story is almost complete...laters all...And I'm out... XoX Drizl ~ _**


	22. Chapter 22

**Hello ~ WoooHooo! Back on Schedule...It's a shorter chapter but I wanted to meet my self-imposed deadline...I got nothing else unless you want to hear this is a Slashy boy loving story so don't read it if it's not your cup of tea...other than that...um, let's just read...**

**

* * *

**

**When the Night Comes **

**Chapter 21**

_"Fuck," I hissed. "How stupid is this? What the hell am I doing? Goddamn it Mama, I don't know if I can do this? He scares the shit out of me. I can't just drop my defenses. They've been up a fucking long time. I need a sign...please."_

_In the middle of my whispered raving, it started to sprinkle and I had no choice but to race over to the car. Edward jumps in and a piece of paper slips out of his pocket. I bend down to collect it and move to hand it back to him. It's not scrap paper, it's a crumpled picture and when I turn it over everything goes fuzzy because it's the picture of Edward and me in my backyard._

_"Thank you," Edward whispers and takes the picture from my hand, tucking it safely in his back pocket._

_Must be Mama again. I swear I think she wants me to get back with Edward._

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

How the hell did I end up riding in some guy's car with Edward Cullen after an evening of having too much to drink? I really wish someone would clear up this matter for me, but since I'm drunk I have a feeling I'm on my own. Calling Rosalie or Alice would be weird.

What's even more strange is that I can hear Edward giving Jared directions to my house and I start to wonder if he has plans to come inside with me. I sit silently in the backseat having a panic attack. The world is spinning and I'm not sure if it's from too much booze or maybe it's because I haven't had enough to drink.

By the time Jared pulled into my driveway my nerves were all frayed. My mind was spinning with scenarios. Would Edward come in to my house? What then? Did I want him to come in? Did I want more? Maybe I should just punch him in the face and tell him to get the fuck out of my life.

After several tries I found the handle, opening the car door and almost falling on my face. Edward giggled. How can he not be as drunk as me? I'm pretty sure we went drink for drink, but here I am stumbling like a drunken idiot and Edward seems just fine.

I managed to spit some type of thank you to Jared. I'm sure he was disappointed that it wasn't a more physical thank you, but this was all I was offering him.

The ground was wet and squishy from the hours of rain, making my boots sink into the mud. I doubt I'm even close to walking a straight line, but eventually I managed to crawl up the stairs and stare at the front door.

"Fucking hell," I hissed.

Edward looked up as he's waving goodbye to Jared. "What's wrong," he asked as he jumped up on the porch.

"I have to call Rosalie. My fucking keys are in my jacket pocket in your fucking car."

I dug into my pants, dragging my phone out.

"Put your phone away Jasper, your mother kept a spare key hidden right here."

He went back down the stairs and over to the garden. He picked up some fucking turtle, flipped it over and produced a key. He was grinning like a kid who just got a new bike or some shit. He bounded up the stairs and gently moved me out of the way. The key slid in the lock and the door swung open.

"I can't believe you knew where the key was," I grumbled as I went into the house. "I need another drink."

I struggled to take my boots off. Edward was snickering but I ignored him finally kicking the offending wet boots off my feet.

Edward walked into the kitchen and I stumbled after him, sitting down in the first chair I came upon. He opened a cupboard door, taking down a couple of glasses. He opened another cupboard, shuffled some shit around and pulled out a bottle of Jameson. He knew his way around my mother's kitchen. It was unsettling. The things he had shouted in my face in the lawyer's office had been true. I knew nothing about my mother. Edward knew where the glasses were and where she kept her hidden stash of booze. Edward had been here for her when I had been partying my ass off, trying to drown myself numb.

Fuck.

I stared at my hands trying to process this information that could not be ignored. How could my mother not hate me?

Edward poured me a shot and slid the glass across the table. I downed it before he had finished filling his glass. His eyebrows shot up but he poured me another and didn't say a word.

I sighed and let my head fall to the table.

"I'm surprised your sidekick hasn't called you again," Edward said as he slammed his empty glass on the table. "God that's good fucking shit."

I turned my face to look at him. "Who's my sidekick," I asked wide-eyed. Maybe they would come in and save me because I sure as hell didn't know what was going on.

"Brandon you idiot."

"Oh yeah, Alice. I can't believe she's even talking to me. Always thought she wanted to rip my balls off."

"She even talks to me, but not before she tore me a new one," Edward beamed.

"You talk to a lot of people," I said, sitting up and leaning back in my chair.

"It took a long time, but..." He shrugged and took another drink. This time he just drank straight from the bottle. We were well past the pleasantries of politeness.

"Did you and my mother talk about me?"

I'd been fucking dying to ask that question every since I found out that Edward hung with my mother.

"Sometimes," he said hesitantly.

I grabbed the bottle out of his hand and took another swig.

"I can't believe you talked to my mother. You...I...never...fuck...you never talked to me," I spluttered and contemplated taking another drink but somehow Edward had the bottle and there seemed to be two of him so I was outnumbered.

"That was one of the things we talked about. I suck at communication. She used to yell how I would avoid the obvious. She taught me how to say things out loud," Edward said.

"That's just fucked up Edward," I muttered.

"Same thing your mom said," he snickered.

"You look funny."

"What," Edward asked.

"I see three of you. No, four, I think. Are you real?" I poked at his arm, but missed and ended up hitting the bottle. Maybe he was a figment of my imagination.

Edward cocked his head and stared at me. Those green eyes of his were hypnotizing me. I think he had special powers.

"Do you want me to be real," he asked or someone asked because my hearing was fuzzy and the liquor had affected my vision.

"I'm not sure," I answered honestly. In truth, I was scared to death of the real Edward and all the emotions that were running rampant through my body. "Why are you here," I blurted out.

"Er, you're really drunk and I wanted to make sure you got home okay," he said.

"Yeah, yeah, but why are you here? In my fucking house. You made friends with my mother. You talked to Alice and Rosalie and Emmett. Why are you friends with my people. You made your choice," I growled.

I stood up with the aid of the table and glared, moving closer so I loomed over him. The old anger and hurt were flaring up again. Mama would be so disappointed but fuck, it was normal and comforting and this, sitting here drinking with Edward like everything was all fine...it didn't make sense.

"I chose wrong," he said firmly and stood up mirroring my posture, bumping against my chest.

"How could you do that to me," I shouted, shoving him out of my space. "You could have just told me in private or something, but no, you had to make a big fucking spectacle out of it. I swear to fucking god you enjoyed mocking the feelings I had for you. I never meant to say it out loud and the minute it left my mouth, I knew it was the biggest mistake I ever made. You fucking rubbed everything in my face and I couldn't do anything about it, because I swore to you that I would keep our relationship quiet. I should have fucking outed you when you kissed Bella and smirked at me. I should have wiped that fucking grin off your face and told everyone you were fucking me, but you broke me and I didn't have any strength to stand up for myself and I hate you for that. I hate that I let you get under my skin so deep that I lost myself."

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice breaking.

"You don't get to say that! I want to blame you for the last five years, but I can't because it was my fucking choice to run away and leave everyone who cared for me. I figured I made things easy for you. I wasn't here so you didn't have to face me. I think that was one of the reasons I left. I didn't want you to see that you ruined me," I shouted. My breath was coming in short pants and for some reason my face felt wet.

Goddamn fucking tears.

Edward stared at me for a few minutes. "I'm sorry, but I haven't exactly been living the greatest life for the last five years. I made the wrong fucking choice and I paid for it. Hell, I'm still paying for it and yes, it's worse now that you're here, standing in front of me. You're right, it was easier when you were gone. I could imagine a happy you. That the choice I made only affected me and had nothing to do with the life you were leading. I wanted to be the only one destroyed by my choice. I wanted you to think it was good that I pushed you away. You deserved better than what I was giving you."

I didn't want to hear any of that shit. I didn't want to hear how bad he felt. I wanted blood, Edwards blood.

"What the fuck," I shouted and launched myself at him.

Five years of bottled up rage came flashing up to the surface as we smashed into the wall, sending two pictures crashing to the floor. My fist connected with his jaw and the bottle of Jameson he was holding shattered against the wall. He pushed me back and I staggered losing my balance, falling over a chair. I scrambled back to my feet and met Edward again. I tried to punch him but slipped on the wet floor. I grabbed at him, getting a fistful of his shirt. Edward yanked at my hands, trying to get me to release my grip. My knuckles were turning white as I forcefully pulled him closer to me, hoping to get another shot at his face. We both staggered and his head smashed into my cheek as we tumbled to the floor.

He landed on top of me and groaned. The familiar weight of his body settled against mine, bringing memories surging into my head. The logical part of my brain was shouting at me to push the motherfucker off and continue the fight, but the stronger, stupider side relished the feeling of the heat radiating from him and the comfort of his body.

It only lasted a few seconds but I released my hold on his shirt allowing him to rise up on his hands to hover over me. Blood dripped from his mouth and I reached up, sweeping it away from those red lips. Edward was panting and his breath was washing over my face, his green eyes held my stare and the heat from his body continued to burn into me. Time seemed to stop and the only sound in the room was our ragged breathing.

"This," Edward growled. "Is what I should have done." He smashed his lips to mine and I tasted blood and sweat and five years of hate and anger as our teeth clacked together, lips bruising, tongues lashing.

My hands found their way into his hair and he moaned when I yanked, pulling him away from my mouth so I could sink my teeth into his neck and mark him. He never let me do that before, not somewhere that was visible. But now he didn't object, instead he started grinding against my thigh and moaning. I arched my back, turning my hips so our cocks ground against each other. We were both rock fucking hard and I ached for some sort of release.

He kissed me again, shoving his tongue into my mouth. It was wet and messy and perfect. We rolled around the floor fighting for dominance until I ended up on top of him. I felt some glass from the broken bottle digging into my arm, but I didn't give a fuck. I grabbed at his shirt, tearing it open so buttons went flying, mixing with the liquor, blood and glass strewn on the floor. I needed to feel the heat of his skin against mine.

There was no time to think if this was right or wrong. I didn't give a shit. I wasn't going to stop and talk about feelings or why we were doing this. I knew why I was doing this. I was fucking drunk and this was what I had been thinking about for five fucking years and maybe doing it would get him out of my system and I could start living again.

Edward had no plans of stopping either as I felt him pop the button on my pants and he shoved his hand into my boxers.

"Fuck yes," I screamed when he wrapped his fingers around my cock. This was not going to take long.

"Christ," Edward grunted.

He was thrusting up against me and I felt the overwhelming need to feel our cocks pressed together without any barriers. I grabbed his wrist and stopped him before I came in his hand. He opened his eyes and looked at me, questioning my motives, but I kissed him, biting his lower lip and moved to unbutton his pants, pushing his boxers down far enough to release his weeping cock. I couldn't resist sweeping my finger through the cum that was dripping from the slit. It turned pink when mixed with the blood that was dripping down my hand.

"Oh fuck, Jaz, yes," he whispered reverently.

I yanked his pants down further so I could settle myself between his legs, parting his thighs and pulling our cocks together. The feel of his dick touching mine made my eyes cross and he began chanting my name. Slowly I started stroking us. Edward stopped breathing and arched up into my touch, making little keening noises as I continued sliding my hand around our shafts, twisting and turning.

It didn't take long before I felt him let out a long breath as his body tensed up. He came undone and filled my hand, covering my cock with his hot seed. A couple more strokes and I joined him, collapsing on his chest, panting. But Edward apparently was not satisfied. He grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled my face up to his, crashing his lips against mine again.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered against my mouth. "I did love you, I just didn't know how to tell you."

And with those words, my body went limp against his. He wrapped his arms around me, pressing his cheek against mine. Tears mingled with our blood. Edward Cullen was crying. The thought was not easy to process. I shuddered and a sob that had been building for five years came out and finally, I felt like the weight of the world was lifting off my shoulders.

Even though the floor was uncomfortable, neither of us moved. Well, we did manage to get our junk tucked away but other than that we stayed on the floor, tangled up in each other. I was scared to release him for fear that he would disappear and the moment would end. I wasn't ready to let go yet and thankfully, neither was he.

Mercifully, we both passed out.

I was stiff and uncomfortable, except for the warm flesh against my face. There was a loud banging noise in my head, rattling my brain.

"Jaz?"

"Oh god," someone groaned and I finally noticed I was laying on top of someone's bare chest on the floor.

"Holy fucking shit!"

Was that Alice screeching or did I just yell? I dragged an eye open and came face to face with dark green eyes, wide with shock, staring down at me.

"Fuck," Edward and I hissed at the same time.

"Holy christ, what the hell happened in here," Alice asked as she tiptoed around the broken glass.

She dragged the overturned chair and placed it upright. Both Edward and I moaned, covering our ears.

"You guys look like hell, but I suppose I should be thankful you didn't kill each other."

"Shhhh," Edward hissed, holding up his hand.

I groaned when I sat up. My entire body protested and my head felt as heavy as a bowling ball. I suddenly wished someone would remove it. I managed to crawl over to a chair, but decided it was too much effort to sit on it. I collapsed back on the floor, groaning when I felt more glass dig into my shoulder.

Alice was muttering something about stupid fuck heads, but I couldn't focus enough to understand what she was saying. She dropped a wet wash rag on my face, ordering me to clean up the blood.

"Fucking hell, woman," Edward yelped.

"Sit still," she shouted. "You have glass in your shoulder."

I snickered and she turned on me. "You're next Hale."

I dropped the wash rag over my face and tried to remember what happened last night. I sort of remember some yelling and then brawling a bit, but a lot of details were really hazy. I peeked out from under the rag and stared at Edward's bare chest. There was a huge bite mark on his neck. Ah yes, there was some of that too.

Alice grumbled and Edward growled again when she pulled another chunk of glass from his shoulder. Blood trickled down his skin and I couldn't help but watch the path it took tracing the muscles in his back down to the little dip right above the waistband of his pants before Alice wiped it with a towel. I started to sweat.

"Okay, I think I've got it all. Go take a shower," she commanded Edward. He whined and groaned a lot as he struggled to get to his feet. He paused staring at me. I could tell he wasn't sure what to do.

"There's clothes in my bag in my room. Help yourself," I shrugged.

Alice knelt down beside me and started to speak, but I stopped her. "Don't ask and don't lecture," I said coldly.

"I wasn't going to say anything," she said, shaking her head.

I sighed and let her dig in my arm to remove the embedded glass. "I'm okay Alice."

"Good. You look like shit."

"Nothing new there," I mumbled. "What are you grinning at?"

"Edward had a nice mark on his neck."

"Oh god," I groaned. "Just leave it Alice. I was wasted last night and things were said and obviously the past was brought up and I don't remember all of it, so I need to talk to him before I say anything to you."

"Right," she said, laughing at me. "I'm really not sure what you just said but I'm out of here. I'll call Rosalie and tell her you're okay and not to bother you. Clean up this mess."

"Thanks," I said quietly. She gave me a quick one armed hug and bolted out the front door.

I sighed and wondered if I should take another shot of alcohol, but my head throbbed and instead I filled a glass with water and downed it. I leaned against the sink trying not to think about what was going on in my room, so before I lost my nerve I went downstairs.

The shower was still running so I climbed on my bed resisting the urge to bury myself in my blankets and forget about last night and the man who was in my shower. It's almost too much and I did't know what was going to happen or what I want to happen when that door opened. I have no idea what Edward thinks about any of this shit.

His dress pants were draped over my chair and I could see the picture peeking out of the pocket. I can't believe he's carried it around for five years. It's creased and torn and scratched.

Fuck.

I lose myself in the picture again, trying to remember that day. I'm startled when the bathroom door opens and Edward walks out with a towel wrapped around his hips. His chest is bare and water droplets from his hair are cascading down his pecs, abs and arms.

"Oh, sorry," he muttered, turning a nice shade of red. "I thought you were upstairs."

"It's okay Edward."

I find it funny that he's embarrassed for being in a towel when he's had his dick up my ass before.

He turns his back to me and shudders. "Jasper."

It came out as a whisper and I know what's coming, but I don't know if I can handle it. Last night I was wasted and I didn't know if it meant anything to him or to me and I was scared to ask.

Edward exhaled and started again, still not looking at me. "I never thought I'd say your name again. I never thought I'd be in this room again."

"What do you mean. You know your way around the house. You knew where the glasses were and my mom's booze was..."

"I never came down here."

"Why?"

"I couldn't," he said quietly.

Edward turned around and his eyes were swimming with unshed tears. The towel fell from his hips and he was naked, exposed to me and I had no fucking clue what to do.

"She told me not to settle anymore. She told me you were worth the fight, that I was worth it. I don't know if I believe her, but I still feel something for you. I never stopped. For five years I tried to get you out of my head but your fucking ghost haunted me," Edward said.

He moved to the edge of my bed and leaned down to capture my lips. His kiss was soft and sweet, almost chaste. It was his way of asking for permission to continue. He was giving me the choice to reject him or let him into my life again.

"Let me love you," Edward whispered.

* * *

**Oh god...I'm sorry for ending the chapter there but like I said I wanted to get this out to you...The music I used to get through this chapter...Seriously for those of you who love music, I hope you check out these selections if you're not familiar with them. I really do use the songs while I'm writing. I use music for everything I write...All This Time by One Republic, Not Broken by the Goo Goo Dolls, Lovesong by The Cure and Ten Days by Missy Higgins. To everyone who reviews...please know that I fucking love the responses to the story. I thrive off the reviews and they spur me to keep writing. Oh, I do have a question for you all...since this story is coming to a close...what should I write next? Stick with the slashy boy love, go back to Bella/Edward or Bella/Jasper? Ideas, thoughts? Funny, angsty...mix it up? Okay...shut up Drizl ~ And so, I'm out for this week ~ XoX Drizl **


	23. Chapter 23

**A day late...story of my life this month...but (whines) for some reason this was a hard chapter to write...probably because I love my boys but I know their story is winding down...it's hard to let them go...oh, and my little impromptu poll last week...Writing more slash fic seems to be the overwhelming favorite...And to my darling snusa...thank you for all the ideas bb! Well...after many angst filled days of changes to this chapter...here it is...like it or not..that's they way it is...let's read...**

* * *

**When the Night Comes**

**Chapter 22**

"_She told me not to settle anymore. She told me you were worth the fight, that I was worth it. I don't know if I believe her, but I still feel something for you. I never stopped. For five years I tried to get you out of my head but your fucking ghost haunted me,"Edward said. _

_He moved to the edge of my bed and leaned down to capture my lips. His kiss was soft and sweet, almost chaste. It was his way of asking for permission to continue. He was giving me the choice to reject him or let him into my life again. _

"_Let me love you," Edward whispered. _

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

Let me love you.

Edward's statement hung in front of me and stole all the air from my lungs. I'd waited so long to hear that word come out of his mouth and now all I could think of was the one thing he had said to me over and over five years ago.

"When the night comes," I whispered.

Edward's breathing hitched. "It's not night now"

I exhaled, leaning into his shoulder a little more.

"I really need to shower," I mumbled, knowing I reeked of stale alcohol, blood and sweat from the fight last night.

"You do kinda smell funky," he said, chuckling.

He patted me on the shoulder and the simple gesture of a reassuring touch brought me back to an entry I had read in his journal.

**_Edward's Journal_ **

_**Dated Six Months Ago**_

_It's been a long day...a day that started off pretty fucking shitty..._

_Susan asked me to go to the doctor with her this morning and god, I wanted to tell her no, because I could see the treatments weren't helping anymore and I didn't want to be there when some asshole told her the news. She told me she knew she wasn't getting any better, but still didn't want to be there when the words were spoken. Somehow hearing the news always made it so final and so much more true. Hearing anything out loud made everything seem more real. _

_I know it was hard for her to ask me but she asked me to go with her because she said I could handle it. Rosalie would fall apart and Emmett was already stretched thin, trying to keep Rosalie together. How could I deny her. I owed her everything. She was my friend and I would stand by her through thick and thin, because that's what friends did. I had failed with her son and I'd be damned if I was going to fail with her. I would not walk away from her no matter how bad things were. _

_Fuck, I'd turned into a sap._

_So I agreed and picked her up to take her to her not-so-great destiny. As we were driving over to the hospital, a wave of anger crashed over me and she called me on it. I couldn't hide anything from her anymore. Sometimes I think she could read my mind. She sure as hell could read my moods. After a bit of prodding on her part, I told her it should be him and not me who was here. Without missing a beat, she scolded me, and told me in no uncertain terms, that even though she missed her son, she was glad I was here. _

_I had a hard time understanding why Jasper didn't call home. I know he loved his mother and Alice told me Rosalie had tried to call him again, but he wasn't answering his cell phone anymore. She even tried calling from several different numbers, but he was being stubborn and ignoring her calls. She left messages so he knew what was happening with his mother. _

_So, instead of Jasper, it was me accompanying his mother to the doctor to receive her final sentence. _

_It was fucking freezing cold in the doctor's office and she had scooted her chair closer to mine. I took my coat off and placed it around her thin shoulders and held her hand. We heard the door open and she shut her eyes, breathing deeply. A warm hand patted me on the back and I turned around to see my dad holding her files. Fuck, for him to be in here it must be really bad news. He wasn't even her primary doctor, but like me, he was her friend and sometimes receiving bad news from a friend was better than getting it from some uncaring bastard. _

_I went numb and suddenly everything seemed too real. I was going to lose someone I had come to really depend on to keep me on the straight and narrow. She had started pushing me to go back to school. I played music again because of her. I did a lot of things because of her and now she was leaving me and I was being selfish but fuck, it was going to hurt and I was going to miss her. _

_She made me who I was today. _

_Carlisle spoke in hushed tones and told her the diagnosis. I only heard broken pieces of sentences. _

_There was nothing else they could do...exhausted all the avenues...she wasn't responding to the treatments anymore...blah, blah, blah..._

_Most people would ask how long they had left, but Susan refused, telling Carlisle that each day would be a blessing. She didn't intend to spend her time counting down, instead she was going to count up. _

_She thanked him for taking time out of his busy day to tell her. He said he should be thanking her for all she did for me. _

_As we were leaving, Carlisle pulled me aside and told me he was proud of me for having the courage to stand with my friend. He told me I was a good man and shook my hand. I should have hugged him, but I was so blown away by his words that I stumbled out of the office with my mouth hanging open. _

_After everything I had put him through, he still loved me and those words meant more to me than he would ever know. _

_I always thought I had to be like him for him to be proud of me. I had tried to model my life after his and I'd failed miserably. I never thought that following my own heart and doing what I believed was right would make my father happy and proud to call me his son._

_Susan was waiting for me out in the hall. _

"_He's right you know..." _

_Carlisle and I hadn't been anywhere near the door so I knew she hadn't overheard our conversation. _

"_How did you know?"_

"_It's really quite simple. I can see it written on your face and I could see it in your dad's eyes. I'm glad he said it out loud. We need to learn to say things out loud, before it's too late. Edward, you **are** a good man and I don't want you to ever forget that. I've enjoyed getting to know you this past year." _

_She smiled and wiped a few tears away. I didn't know what to say so I stared at her and asked her if she was up for an evening out. She looked at me like I was nuts, but she finally agreed to go out with me. I made her go home and take a nap. While she was resting, I called everyone I could think of and told them we were going out to celebrate life. _

_Rosalie and Alice came over and helped Susan get dressed up while I went home to change and to pick up my guitar. Susan thought we were totally crazy when we pulled into the parking lot of that fucking bar, but I told her we were going to get fucked up and have a good time. Nothing else mattered. We were living in the moment._

_The look on her face was priceless when I stepped out on that stage and started to play and sing. She made me sing **I Dare You** and I knew she was thinking about Jasper the whole time I was singing and that was okay. _

_It was one of the best nights of my life. _

_End Journal Entry_

"What are you thinking about," Edward asked as he pulled on some boxers.

"Your journal," I answered.

"Really?"

"Yeah, the entry about the night you took my mother out to the bar and partied."

"Fuck," he said as a small smile slid across his face. "That was a great night."

"Thank you," I said.

He looked up at me, meeting my stare. "Your welcome."

I nodded, crawled out of bed and went into the bathroom. I was just about to close the door when everything came down on me like a fucking avalanche. I couldn't fucking breathe. How could my mother not have hated me? I knew she was sick and yet, I ignored the phone calls. I disregarded the pleading messages from Rosalie begging me to come home. I blew off Emmett when he screamed into my phone about what my absence was doing to Rosalie and my mother. Instead I chose to smoke a joint or go out and fuck some nameless person.

Oh my god.

Edward _was_ a good man. He had been there for my mother when she needed someone to hold her hand and take her out to get drunk, to read to her when she hurt, to sing to her when she was sad, to bring her coffee, to sit in the rain and laugh, to listen when she needed to rage...and what was worse was that when I did come home, I took away Edward's time with her. He was the one who had deserved to be with her when she left this world, not me.

Holy fuck!

I was an asshole.

My knees buckled and I sank to the floor.

"Jasper?"

I tried to tell him to get the fuck out and leave me alone, but I couldn't talk. He knelt down and pulled me into his chest, rocking me as I sobbed. My fingers threaded into his bronze hair, pulling him closer to me when I should be pushing him away. I didn't deserve his comfort, but just like everyone else in my life he wasn't going to let me go.

"She loved you Jasper. She understood why you couldn't come back. I told her everything. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, but her love for you never wavered. She wanted you here, but she didn't need you here. She knew you loved her. And you did come home. You got to see her and be with her and for that, she was thankful. She didn't blame you. I wanted her to blame me, but she wouldn't do that either. She was a stubborn fucking woman. Just like you. Stubborn as all fuck. Drove us all nuts."

I sniffled and looked up at his face. His green eyes were swimming in tears but I could see flashes of fire in them as well. I was tired of hurting, tired of feeling this overwhelming guilt all the time. I couldn't shoulder it anymore. It was fucking breaking my back, so I leaned into him, silently begging for him to take away the pain.

He squeezed me harder and he sighed into my hair, slowly pulling me to my feet. He walked me over to the shower, reaching in to turn on the water. He slid my shirt off my shoulders and unbuttoned my pants, pushing them down over my hips.

"Step out," he said.

I complied, lifting my feet so he could get my pants off. He draped them over the towel rack and all I could do was stare at him like I was a two year old child waiting for his next command.

"Uh, I'll just go," he stammered and moved toward the door. "The water should be warm enough."

"Please don't leave me...again," I whimpered.

I was fucking needy and whining like a little girl. I shuddered when I thought what Alice or Rosalie would think if I said that out loud to one of them. They'd probably slap me upside the head and tell me to grow a pair.

But Edward didn't look at me with contempt or disgust, instead he sighed and rested his warm hand on my shoulder, making me feel more steady. I discarded my boxers and stepped into the hot spray of the shower. Edward said nothing as he followed behind me.

I closed my eyes, dropping my head back against Edward's chest. I feltl him fumbling with my shampoo, finally hearing the click of the bottle opening and the sound of liquid pulsing out into his open palm. He rubbed his hands together and threaded his fingers into my hair, massaging my scalp.

God that felt fucking good.

A memory from the Seattle trip wove its way into my head. He had washed my hair there as well. I tried to block it out before it could overwhelm me. Fucking hell.

I pressed back into him wanting to be in contact with more skin, but instead of skin and hard flesh I felt...fuck.

"Edward?"

I turned around and chuckled, letting my hands drift down his chest until my fingers rested on his waistband. He still had boxers on. My fucking boxers. In the shower.

"I didn't want you to be uncomfortable or think I was taking advantage of you," he said softly, looking away from me.

"What," I choked. "Uncomfortable? Fuck Edward. I've taken a shower with you before. And if I didn't want you here, you wouldn't be."

"Well, I..I...fuck," he grumbled as his cheeks flushed bright red.

He looked so fucking adorable standing under the spray of water with those soggy ass boxers hanging dangerously low off his hips. I bit my lip, Edward rolled his eyes and I lost my shit and started laughing. Soap was running out of my hair, stinging my eyes but I couldn't quit laughing. My stomach was starting to hurt and I was bent over at the waist, staring at Edward's knobby knees. My eyes moved up his legs to the soggy boxers that couldn't hide Edward's obvious excitement. After everything that had happened Edward was still hard...for me.

I couldn't resist reaching out and trailing a finger around the outline of his covered cock. He shuddered and sucked in a jagged breath. He reached his hand out to cup my chin and he ran his thumb along my jaw, sighing softly. My eyes met his and I watched as his green eyes darkened with desire, the fire I had seen early, was burning brightly now. I let my breath out slowly, not looking away from him as I rose to my full height and we stood face to face. The water ran down our chests washing everything down the drain. Time seemed to stop or maybe it turned back five years. Maybe this was our chance to let the past go.

I forgot about Bella and Alice and remembered how it was when it was just me and him. It really was only when the night came that we were able to let our guard down. We were two stupid kids, scared half to death, trying to understand these strong feelings that threatened to drown us. We'd both made horrible choices, hurting people we loved and almost destroying each other in the process.

I never thought I'd feel him again, never thought I'd touch him again, never thought I'd _want_ to touch him again, but here we were and for once I was going to quit thinking about the past or the future and concentrate on the now.

"Oh god, Jaz. I've missed you," Edward whimpered, closing the distance between us. His nose bumped against mine but then he froze, holding his breath. For a second I thought he was going to pull away.

"Edward," I whispered.

I think he needed to hear me say his name, to know that it was him I was thinking about. His mouth met mine with such fury, the wound on his lip opened up again and I tasted the rust of his blood. I lapped at it, licking and savoring it like it was an offering. He moaned and sucked my tongue into his mouth.

I growled and slipped my fingers into the waistband of those stupid boxers, yanking them down and releasing his cock. I quickly pressed against him, letting my cock slide against his. His fingers dug into my hips as he pulled me forcefully up against him. My arms went around his waist finally coming to rest on his ass.

I was rutting against him like it was our first time.

And another memory assaulted me.

One of our first experiences had been in his bathroom and just like this, we were crazy with lust, desperate for any sort of friction and in need of a release. Only back then, we were weren't naked inside the shower. The scene had taken place with me shoved up against the shower door in sticky shorts and Edward still in his jeans.

I was brought back to the present when Edward's hand wrapped around my cock and I moaned loudly.

Fuck, that felt damn good, so I returned the favor and latched onto his hard cock. His hips snapped and he thrust hard into my hand just like he had five years ago.

"You're doing it again," he panted in my ear.

"What," I moaned as he gave my cock a hard tug.

"You're thinking about something else."

"No, well...oh fuck...just remembering the time in your bathroom when we..."

Edward kissed me again, making me lose my thoughts when he shoved his tongue into my mouth.

"Tell me what you remember," I gasped into his mouth.

He chuckled. "Oh holy fuck, that was so fucking embarrassing. We were in my bathroom and I thought I was so cool when I shoved you up against the shower door. Remember," he said, lacing his fingers with mine and pulling them over my head. The cool tile of my shower hit my back.

_He gave a low throaty growl and stalked toward me, pinning me up against the shower door. I gasped when his fingers wrapped around my wrists and he raised my arms up above my head. _

"And then I let my fingers trace down your body. Sorta like this," he growled and dropped hold of my wrist, tracing my shoulder, my collarbone, stopping to swirl around my nipple and finally letting his fingers drop down my ribs, abs and then lightly touching the head of my cock, purposely dragging his finger through my slit.

"Y..Yessss," I hissed, trying to thrust into his hand.

"Only you still had shorts on and god I wanted to shove my hand into your shorts, but I didn't want to scare you off."

"That day was the first time a guy touched me," I said.

He blushed and kept silent. I knew it wasn't his first time and it didn't really bother me, I just felt like making him squirm a little. It was probably good that one of us had some experience with boys.

"What were you thinking," Edward asked.

"I was thinking that a fucking guy, and not just any guy, but Edward Cullen, my best friend, was touching my dick and I liked it. I mean it was just through my shorts but shit, it felt so goddamn good and I wanted to make you feel good too. I was so fucking nervous, but I needed to touch you and you were so fucking hard when I let my hand brush against your crotch."

I fisted him, twisting and rubbing, letting him pump into my fist.

"Almost there, Jaz," he mumbled.

I figured I could do better this time, so I dropped to my knees and quickly took him into my mouth, earning me a loud moan and some garbled cursing from him. I sucked hard, slowly dragging my lips up his cock. He grabbed my hair and I could tell he was fighting to hold on, so I hummed and took in as much of him as I could. I felt his muscles tense and he tried to push me away, but I let him come in my mouth, listening to him shout my name.

"Holy fuck," Edward said, pulling me to my feet.

"Agreed," I said, kissing him and chuckling. "You do realize that's the exact thing we said five years ago."

He shut the water off and I let him lean on me as we stepped out. I grabbed a couple of towels, tossing him one and he looked at me, his eyes drifting down to my still hard cock as we dried off.

He hung his towel up and came up behind me, putting his arms around me and letting his hand rest on my hip.

"When did you get your tattoo?"

I looked down to see his fingers tracing over my **_I'm Lost_** tattoo.

I sighed. "I think it was about six months after graduation. I'd been gone for two months and I was playing at a bar to make some money. A guy I took...uh..."

"And a guy you went home with," he said finishing the sentence for me.

"Yeah, well, he was the first that told me I looked lost. He said it was in my eyes...something was missing...or some shit like that...Several more um, people, said the same thing and I decided one drunken evening to have it tattooed on my body."

He leaned harder into me and his fingers left my tattoo, moving to stroke my cock.

"Fuck me, Jaz," he mumbled against my neck. "Please."

I froze. At first I wondered if I had heard him right. He had never uttered those words before. He had never let me inside him before and now he was offering himself to me and not just offering, but begging. It's not that I minded bottoming for him, I had loved him and would have done anything for him, but I had always wanted to take him, make him mine.

I silently chastised myself for over-thinking again. It was just sex. Nothing more, nothing less. A means to and end and fuck, I needed the release and this would be a great way of securing that release. But a small voice way in the back of my head told me this wasn't such a good idea. It was Edward, and maybe it would mean more to me than just a casual fuck.

"Please Jasper," Edward murmured again. His breath was hot against my neck and I could spend this time arguing with myself or I could turn off all the voices and fuck this man who was begging for my attention.

My brain argued with me again. This could be Edward's way of paying me back for what he did...oh fuck that didn't make any sense whatsoever. Who was I kidding, it had been a fucking awful couple days. I was hung over and I'd had a terrible epiphany that made me admit I had been a total asshole to my family and now Edward was standing behind me naked, offering me this chance and I was arguing in my head with myself. Fuck it. Fuck everything. I wasn't going to deny myself anymore. I wanted him. I'd always wanted him and if this was going to be it...Mama was right, we aren't guaranteed tomorrow and wasn't going to leave anything on that fucking list anymore.

I spun around and grabbed his face, kissing him hard, tasting his blood again. I would deal with the fucking consequences later. We made it back to my bed tumbling down, limbs entangling and lips still smashed together.

Edward pushed away from me and reached into the night stand searching for a tube of lube. I laughed because this hadn't been my room for five years.

"There's not going to be anything in there Edward and even if there was, it would be five years old."

I snorted and rolled off him, heading over to my bag until I found the lube and a condom, I had stashed in my bag. When I turned around, Edward had rolled over onto his stomach, opening himself up to me. It was a sight to behold and I began to wonder if I was fucking dreaming. Last night we were getting drunk, beating the crap out of each other and jerking each other off. This morning we were hung over and he was going to let me fuck him, something I had never done before. I had to be fucking dreaming or I was still incredibly drunk.

I paused at the foot of my bed, staring at him. He looked over his shoulder, smiling shyly at me, those green eyes boring into my fucking head. I flattened my hand against his ass cheek, feeling the heat from his skin burn into mine. I ran my hand over the white skin, bringing my hand to a stop at the top of his crack. God he was fucking beautiful and I could hardly think. I crawled on my bed, moving between his legs while I let my hand wander around his back. He turned his head to me again and I brushed my fingers across his lips. He got the idea and drew them into his mouth, covering them in saliva.

"Oh god," I moaned and felt my cock harden to the point of sheer pain. I pushed my hips forward and he moved his ass back to meet my leaking cock. I pulled my fingers out of his lips and brought them down to his crack. He spread his legs further and I followed the line until I reached his hole. I gently pressed against him, circling a few times until I pushed in, breaching him.

"Jasper," he whispered weakly, pushing back against my finger as I slowly moved it in and out of him. I popped open the lube, spreading more liquid over my hand before I added a second digit. Edward was starting to thrash wildly, pushing harder against my hand.

"More," his voice cracked when I shoved a third finger in. Fire spread through my limbs, settling in my stomach. I was having a hard time focusing.

"Jaz, now, I want to feel you," Edward cried. "Please."

"Okay," I choked out and removed my fingers. My hands trembled as I tried to get the condom over my cock. It felt so fucking hot that I thought the latex might melt. I finally got the fucker on and my dick coated with lube. My dick was positioned and he was groaning, pushing back against me, but I fucking couldn't do it like this. I needed to see his face. I wanted to drown in the liquid jade of his eyes, when I became a part of him.

"Edward," I said softly placing my hand on his shoulder. He turned and looked at me with those half-lidded lust filled eyes. I touched his cheek.

"Turn over, Edward. I need to see your face, baby."

He sighed and turned around, laying down on his back. His fingers brushed against my tattoo again. I smiled at him, running my hands up his thighs and bending forward to capture his lips again. He lifted his hips up, spreading his legs wider and pulling them into his body. I sat up on my knees, took hold of my cock and placed the head against his hole. I closed my eyes and rocked forward, slowly pushing into him. He sucked in a deep breath. I pushed deeper and he quit breathing.

"Edward, am I hurting you?"

"No," he gasped. "'s good."

Heat flared through me again and I stopped my movement. Edward groaned in protest and wrapped his legs around my hips, pulling me deeper into him until my balls pressed against his ass.

"Fuck Edward," I shouted. If I fucking moved I was going to come and it would all be over before it barely started. I wanted it to last and last. I never wanted to let this feeling go, but the flames licked my skin and popped in front of my eyes, making it impossible for me to stay still.

I gasped and reached between us, gripping Edward's now wide awake cock and stroked him. I had to move. The heat was consuming me and if I didn't move I was going to burst in to flames and burn my house down. I slowly withdrew and slid back in. Edward moaned and bit his lip, opening up the wound again. The blood dripped down his chin and I leaned forward to clean it off him.

"Jaz, Jaz," Edward chanted.

My mind went blank and I followed the rhythm of my name falling from his swollen red lips. I pulled out and pushed back in. I couldn't decide if this was heaven or hell. I had wanted this since we first got involved and now that I had it...I opened my eyes and looked at the beautiful man thrashing under me. The bronze hair still damp from our shower, stuck up everywhere. His eyelashes fluttered against his flushed cheeks and his red lips fell open as my name dropped from his lips. It was the most wonderful sight I had ever seen and it scared the piss out of me, because if I was honest with myself, I never wanted to let him go.

I could feel the tingling spreading through my body, but I needed him to come before me. I tightened my grip on his cock and sped up my pumping. His legs tightened around my waist and he raised his hips off the bed which allowed me to get deeper into him.

"Oh my fuck," he shouted and filled my hand with long streams of hot cum. My vision darkened when his orgasm tightened around my cock. I lasted four more strokes before I filled the condom.

I could feel Edward tracing my tattoo again. I sighed and slowly pulled out of him, rolling over and disposing of the condom. I couldn't help but notice how badly Edward winced when I pulled out of him.

"You okay," I asked.

"Uh yeah," he said quietly and averted his eyes from me.

"Edward?"

"I'm fine Jaz, really," he said wincing again when he sat up. "I've uh, never done that before."

"What," I gasped. "Fucking hell Edward, you should have told me. I could have..."

Edward placed his hand over my mouth. "You were perfect." He kissed me again, before he rolled out of bed and limped to the bathroom.

I had not been expecting that to happen. I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying not to read too much into what just happened. It was jut sex. Somewhere in the middle of trying to convince myself that it really was just sex my phone rang.

"Hey James," I answered.

"_Fucking hell Jasper. What the fuck is going on? You haven't called me in over a week." _

"Sorry, guess I got wrapped up in things here."

"_You aren't gonna make me ask are ya?" _

"Sorry, Mama passed and the funeral was yesterday. I'm sorry I didn't call. Things have been a little crazy and stressful."

"_Forget about it Jaz. So when ya coming home?" _

"Home?"

Such a simple question and yet I had no answer. Where was my home? Chicago, Forks or...my mind whispered Edward.

"_Yeah, Jaz, not a hard question."_

"I don't know James. The plane ticket Alice sent was one way. Look, I'll let you know in a couple days."

"_Ya sure you're okay. I mean I know you're not okay and shit, but ya sound different. Do I dare ask if ya saw Edward?"_

Was I supposed to tell James that Edward was in my bathroom, cleaning up after I fucked him.

"_Jaz?"_

"Uh, sorry. I gotta go," I said and hung up the phone. Edward was standing in the doorway of the bathroom staring at me. Something flashed in his eyes and my stomach dropped to my knees.

"So," he said. "I uh, should get going and shit. I'm sure you have plenty of stuff you need to do and you don't need me underfoot."

"Edward," I said, frowning at him.

He pulled on his dress pants and put on his shirt, staring down at the missing buttons. He took it off and put my t-shirt on. "I'll get this back to you before you go back to uh, wherever you came from."

"Edward," I snapped, grabbing at his wrist. "Stop. What's going on?"

"Nothing, I thought...really I have to go," he said, yanking his arm away from me.

He headed up the stairs. What the fuck was happening? Why was he running away from me?

"Edward, wait..." I shouted and ran up the stairs. He was standing in the middle of the mess in the kitchen.

"Jesus, Susan would have a fucking Canary if she saw this," he said.

"Stay," I said.

Such a simple yet fucking complex word.

* * *

**As usual thanks to everyone who reviewed...Seriously I love the little chime on my phone that rings when I have an email...lovely music to my ears. I used a bunch of music for this chapter but I'll just list a few of the songs...It is What it is by Lifehouse, Whataya Want From Me (acoustic version) by Adam Lambert, Still Your Song by the Goo Goo Dolls...Hope everyone has a great week...I'll see ya next week...Make my phone sing today... (shameless begging for reviews hehehehe) And...ya guessed it, I'm outta here Xox Drizl **


	24. Chapter 24

**Fucking hell...Sorry for the delay...but finally the next chapter and there's only one to go and the epilogue...Yay...sorta...It's really hard to let go of a story and I think that's why I've been struggling with the ending... that and the holidays interfere with the writing...my real people expect me to be present for the holidays and shit...LOL...I know, shut up Drizl...let's read...**

**

* * *

****When the Night Comes**

**Chapter 23**

_He headed up the stairs. What the fuck was happening? Why was he running away from me? _

"_Edward, wait..." I shouted and ran up the stairs. He was standing in the middle of the mess in the kitchen. _

"_Jesus, Susan would have a fucking Canary if she saw this," he said. _

"_Stay," I said. _

_Such a simple yet fucking complex word. _

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington**

"Why," Edward asked, staring at me.

Such a loaded question and I suppose I owed him some sort of response.

Why did I want him to stay? What should I tell him? I could be an asshole and tell him he needed to stay and help me clean up the kitchen because he was part of making this mess. I'm sure that would impress him. Truth is I didn't know what to say to him. My emotions were all over the place and it made me fucking uncomfortable. I know we needed to talk but honestly, I had no fucking idea what to say about anything.

"Fuck, it looks like we tried to kill each other..."

"Maybe we were," Edward whispered.

I slid down into a chair, placing my elbows on the table and resting my head in my hands. I knew I needed to say something but everything bouncing around in my head sounded stupid and it was probably best if I said nothing.

I heard Edward sigh as his footsteps echoed out of the room. The back door opened and closed and then it opened again.

"I can't fucking do this," Edward shouted, stomping back into the room. "I have no idea what you are thinking or what you want or fucking A, Jasper, just help me out here."

"Which question did you want me to start with," I asked.

"Who's James," Edward blurted out.

"That wasn't one of the questions, but he's my roommate in Chicago. Why?"

Edward shrugged his shoulders and tugged on his hair. "Are you going back home to him?"

There was that home word again.

"Well, I suppose I have to go back there sometime. I may not have a lot of shit, but what I have is there at this moment."

"Oh," he said, hanging his head.

And now it was back to silence. Why the fuck is he asking about James?

"Uh, you don't happen to know where Mama kept the cleaning shit? I should clean this mess up before Rosalie stops over. I'm not up to answering a bunch of her questions."

Edward rolled his eyes and grumbled. "You don't seem to want to answer anyone's questions."

"Edward, I..."

He interrupted me. "Just forget it. You know we hired a maid service to help with some of the general housework but your mom would always clean before she showed up. _She_ eventually became Karen who finally told Rosalie she didn't feel right taking our money when all she did was come over and have coffee with Susan. So we stopped paying her but she kept coming for the coffee and company."

"Sounds like Mama," I mumbled.

Edward disappeared coming back with a bucket, rags, some sort of mop, cleaning solutions and a broom, which he tossed to me.

"Someone had to do the cleaning," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "You should try to sweep up the glass first. Go get your boots on before you enter the war zone."

"You don't have to help Edward, if you want to leave you are free to do so."

Well that sounded rather unfeeling. I sucked.

Edward turned his back on me and sighed heavily. Obviously I was saying all the wrong things, but fuck, I wasn't used to letting go of things and just because we fucked didn't mean everything was okay. I'd held everything in for five years. I wanted to let everything go but it was easy to put the defenses up and fall back on familiar things when things were uncomfortable.

When I came back with feet protected, Edward was in full cleaning mode. He was busy scrubbing the wall where the bottle of Jameson had smashed. I could see flecks of our blood spattered on the wall too.

The pictures we'd knocked off the wall were sitting on the table. One picture needed new glass but the other seemed okay. I carried them out to the dining room to be dealt with later.

I decided that picking up the larger pieces of glass by hand would be the best way to start. Edward had already brought the trash can out, so I slowly started picking up glass and tossing it away.

I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing because I was busy watching Edward in those dress pants wiping down the wall. Visions of shoving him up against that wall floated through my head and I lost my balance and ended up putting my hand down on the floor.

"Fuck, son-of-a-bitch," I yelped when shards of glass dug into my hand and fingers. I shook my hand and picked at some of the pieces of glass but Edward stopped me and made me sit down.

"Don't move, I'll be right back," Edward said.

I grumbled and held up my hand, watching as several lines of blood ran down my fingers. When Edward came back he was armed with a tweezer, a wash cloth and a stack of band-aids.

"I think you did this on purpose to get out of cleaning," he scolded.

"Shut up," I whined.

"Quit being a baby," he snickered and dug into my hand, pulling a few tiny specks of glass out of my fingers, before moving down to the palm.

"Ouch," I snapped, yanking my hand away from him. "You don't need to shove the tweezers through my hand."

Edward grabbed my wrist and continued working, ignoring my whimpers and whines.

"I think I got them all, but we should rinse your hand to make sure," Edward said, pulling me to my feet and walking me over to the kitchen sink. He turned the water on, testing it to make sure it was the right temperature before he pushed me up to the sink. He stood behind me, taking my hand and holding it under the running water.

I heard Edward mumble something, but Jesus, it was not exactly easy to stay focused on what he was saying with him standing so close.

I think he was asking me if I felt anything. I know he meant the glass in my hand, but all I could feel was heat and the way Edward's body felt pressed up against my back. I felt the flex of his chest muscles as he moved his hand over mine. I felt the muscles in his thigh twitching as his weight shifted. I felt his breath on my neck and his hair tickling my ear when he leaned forward to have a closer look at my hand. I felt his fingers touching my skin, sending small sparks of electricity up my spine and I felt his semi-hard cock pressing against my ass.

"Jasper?"

"Yeah," I gasped.

"I asked if you could feel anything?"

"Y...yes," I stammered.

"Where? I need to get all the glass out."

"What?"

"The glass, Jasper, where do you feel the glass?"

Edward sounded all concerned.

I shut the water off and turned to face him.

"There's no more glass Edward," I said firmly.

The darkening green eyes that met mine meant Edward got the clue. I reached for him but he quickly moved away from me.

"We really should clean all this shit up," he said quietly, going back to his rag and bucket.

Oh god, what the hell was going on? I was on some fucking roller coaster from hell.

"No," I snapped, not really sure why he was avoiding me.

I couldn't take it any longer. I grabbed Edward's arms and pulled him back, shoving him into a chair. I dropped to my knees, burying my face in his crotch. I felt his cock twitch and I could almost feel his blood shifting course and flowing into his cock, hardening it more.

"Jasper," Edward said as his head fell back and he threaded his fingers in my hair tugging my face closer to him and spreading his legs further apart. I breathed deeply and smelled the musky scent that was all Edward. My mouth watered and I reached up to pop open that button and lower the zipper to free him.

"Naughty boy," I muttered when his cock sprang free and I saw he wasn't wearing any underwear.

He groaned loudly when I licked my finger and ran it up the length of his cock.

"Please Jasper," Edward whispered. I don't think he was worried about cleaning the kitchen anymore.

"Watch me suck you off," I said, narrowing my eyes at him.

Edward gasped and his eyes fluttered but he kept them open as I lowered my lips to the head of his leaking cock. I swiped my tongue through the wet slit making Edward squirm and tug my hair.

"Hold still Edward," I warned, pressing my palms into his thighs to keep him still.

I twirled my tongue around the ridge of the darkened head of his cock and slowly moved as far down as I could go. I stopped before I gagged and wrapped my fingers around the unattended part of his dick, tightening my grip as Edward moaned again.

"Are ya still watching me baby," I said, looking up at him through my lashes. I hummed around his dick and he tried to thrust again, but I held him in his chair with my arm.

"Fuck Jaz," he cried.

"Move again Edward and you'll be finishing this with your own hand," I said grinning at him.

He grunted and I slid his cock back in my mouth, tasting the saltiness of him. Again I flattened my tongue out and took him as far as I could, sucking hard when he gasped and moaned my name. I loved to hear him call for me. I loved to watch him lose control. Edward used to be all about controlling the situation.

"Let go Edward," I whispered as I dragged my mouth up his cock adding just the right amount of teeth before I swallowed him whole again.

"Shit," he screamed and filled my mouth.

He looked like he was going to slide out of the chair. I sat on the floor and looked at the beautiful man spread out in my mama's kitchen. His cheeks were flushed a bright crimson. His chest rose and fell as he tried to get enough oxygen to come down from his high. His bronze hair, well, it looked the same, all sexy crazy and out of control. Fuck it was hard not to stare.

Before I could think about what to say, Edward slid down off the chair and was kneeling in front of me.

"Jasper," he said softly. His fingers curled around my chin and he leaned in to kiss me. His lips were warm and pliant and I felt the kiss all the way down to my toes.

"I love how we taste," he murmured and I came undone. I broke the kiss and fell into those pools of jade and lost myself when his fingers found my shaft. His mouth covered mine again and his tongue dipped in, swirling around my mouth, mixing up our tastes again. Edward's hand was warm and he worked me into a fever. He pushed me down so he was wrapped around my back with his hand down my pants. I was thrusting into his hand and suddenly Edward sank his teeth into my neck. I screamed and before I knew what was happening, my balls drew up to my throat and I shot cum everywhere.

"Fuck," I hissed.

"Mmmm Jaz," Edward said nuzzling into my neck.

"So good," I muttered. Except we were on the fucking kitchen floor again. "I'm never going to get this fucking kitchen cleaned.

"Are you complaining," Edward asked.

I sat up and shook my head. "No."

He leaned forward, capturing my lips again.

I was going to have to take another shower. "You wanna take another shower?"

"Thanks, but I really have to get going," he said.

"Oh, right," I said, suddenly feeling really uncomfortable again. I had no idea what came next. I know we needed to talk but I didn't know how to broach the subject. Truthfully, I was scared to say anything because I didn't want to say something wrong to fuck this up. Whatever _this_ was...

"Yeah, so..." Edward tucked himself back into his dress pants.

"How are you getting home," I asked.

"Oh, I called Esme," he said.

His phone beeped and he fished it out of his pocket. "I have to go."

His brow furrowed and I knew he was trying to think of something to say.

"Thanks Edward, for, well just thanks," I said.

He stared at me with a lost look on his face. "Okay," he said and quickly walked out of the kitchen. I heard the door open and close.

What the fuck just happened?

Now it was my turn to leave the room for some much needed fresh air. I sat down on the deck, letting my legs dangle over the edge. What was I doing here? Was it time for me to go back to Chicago? This shit made my brain hurt. Did he want to be around me or not?

The air shifted around me; I could smell rain coming and a storm brewing in the distance. Why was this so fucking hard?

I heard the door slide open again and I really hoped it was Edward. The click of a camera made me turn and I found myself looking into Alice's golden eyes. She snapped another picture. I tried to look irritated but it came out more like a grimace.

"You alone," she asked, sliding next to me.

"Yep."

"Do you want to be alone," she asked.

"I don't know," I answered truthfully.

Alice sighed and leaned into my shoulder. "You need to decide."

"I know, but every time I make a decision, it's usually the wrong one. I'm scared I'll make another mistake."

"I'm sorry to break it to you, but you are going to make more mistakes Jasper. You have to ask yourself if he is worth the chance."

"But, it's not that easy..."

She put her hand over my mouth. "I wasn't done Jasper. When I walked into the kitchen this morning, I didn't see any of the mess at first; I just saw you and Edward sprawled on the floor. You were laying across his chest, he had his arm wrapped around your waist, holding you against him. His nose was buried in your hair and your face was smashed up against his neck. Your legs were tangled up and then you took a deep breath and startled me. It was then that I noticed the war zone."

Thunder rumbled in the distance and Alice sat down and snuggled into my side.

"How's Rosalie and Emmett?" I asked.

"Busy taking of care of your mother's shit. Who knew about all this extra crap that goes along with dying," she snorted.

"Yeah."

"Did you at least invite him back," Alice asked.

My head fell back and I rolled my eyes, laughing. She always made things sound so simple. Invite him back. That's probably what he was waiting for me to do before he left.

"Fuck, Jasper, you are kinda stupid ya know. Have you two even talked?"

"No."

"Like I said, stupid."

"Stop calling me stupid, Alice or I'll..." I threatened. She just laughed in my face. I could never scare her.

"I have to go Jasper. Make a decision," she said as she stood and patted my shoulder.

The thunder rolled again and I felt a more raindrops splatter on my face.

Make a decision. Do I tell him how I feel, open myself up to the possibility of getting hurt by him again. The rain started falling in earnest and I decided it was time to go inside.

My phone was buzzing on the table so I checked it. A picture message from Alice popped up. I ran my finger over the screen, staring at the photo. I moved the picture around, enlarging different points on the picture. Even though we were laying on the cold, hard floor of the kitchen we looked comfortable, happy. We seemed to fit together. My eyes were drawn to where his fingers were clutching my waist, holding me tightly against his body. It looked like he didn't want to ever let me go.

Maybe he really wanted to try again. Maybe he wanted me all the time and not just in the dark of the night. It just might be worth the risk.

My phone beeped again as another text from Alice popped up. It was Edward's phone number. Sometimes the girl scared the shit out of me. I swear she knew what I needed even before I had it figured out.

I dialed his number and I'm pretty sure the phone barely had a chance to complete the first ring before Edward was shouting hello. It made me wonder if he was as anxious as I had been wondering what the fuck was going on between us. I still wasn't absolutely sure what it was, but it was something and I wanted to find out what it was.

I didn't ask Edward where he was or what he had to do, I just asked him to come back to the house when he was free again.

"Pack a bag, baby," I said, surprised when the word 'baby' came out of my mouth. "Unless you have other plans."

"I don't...uh, how much should I pack," he asked innocently.

"As much or as little as you want," I answered. "We have some things to discuss."

"Okay, Jaz...Hey, don't worry about dinner tonight. I'll whip us up something," he said.

"You cook," I asked.

He chuckled. "I have a lot of talents you don't know about Jasper. Stick around and I'll let you in on them."

I blew out a long breath. Was that an invitation or was it just him teasing me?

"I'll see you later, Jasper," he said and hung up the phone before I could say anything.

The days and nights passed in a blur. We talked a lot about the past and what had happened, but we steadfastly avoided talking about the future. I wasn't ready and I don't think he was either.

Alice, Rosalie and Emmett stopped by a few times. Alice liked to wink a lot and nudge me. I rolled my eyes but secretly I thought it was sort of cute that she seemed so happy for me.

I found out my mother had left me the house. I tried to argue with the lawyer, saying that Rosalie deserved it more, but deep down I knew she was happy with the house that her and Emmet had bought. They lawyer told me my mother would like for me to make this my home, but there was nothing in her will that could stop me from selling it, if that is what I felt was right.

I didn't know what I wanted to do yet, but my mind was moving closer to making a decision the more time I spent with Edward.

After four days of holing up in the house, we decided to venture out into the great town of Forks and have breakfast at the diner. There was only a few people seated when we arrived. The waitress, I couldn't remember her name, seated us in a booth, telling us she would be back to take our order.

I stared at Edward as he read the menu, biting his lip. Fuck he was beautiful and I found myself wondering what he saw in me.

"What," he asked.

I chuckled and went back to my menu, peering over the edge at him again.

"What," Edward said, grinning at me.

Fuck, things were going so well between us that I was pretty sure I was ready to ask him to move in with me and start planning our lives out.

I placed my hand over his and returned his grin. The waitress cleared her throat and Edward pulled his hand away from mine.

He pulled away from me...it was only for a few moments, but it felt like my world was spiraling away from me. Things went white and my ears filled with a loud buzzing noise.

"Jasper, what do you want to eat," Edward asked, poking my arm.

I don't remember what I ordered and when the waitress left, he touched my arm again and smiled, but all I could see was him pulling away from me when someone saw us. I pretended nothing was wrong, but I knew...I couldn't do this again. I wasn't going to be his, only when the night came. I needed him during the daylight, during daybreak and at twilight...

That night, after I let Edward fuck me into the mattress, I snuck out of the room and called the airlines.

When the next day presented itself, I feigned sleep when Edward slipped out to go to the market and pick up some more groceries. I would be gone before he got back.

**Present Day**

**Forks, Washington**

**Edward's POV **

"Jaz, hey Jaz,where the fuck are you baby?"

Even though everything looked the same it felt different, off. I peeked around the corner hoping I would be wrong and he would be sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee, but it was empty. The dishes were washed, the counters had been wiped down and there was a small bouquet of flowers sitting on the table with a note leaning up against the vase. All the color drained out of the room and I was surrounded by nothing but shades of grey.

I didn't need to read the note to know that he was gone, I could feel it everywhere. I suppose I deserved it, but I certainly hadn't expected it and it still cut me to the core.

The grocery bags dropped out of my arms. I heard a few things shatter, but maybe it was my heart. I couldn't tell the difference.

I'm not sure how long I sat on the floor of the kitchen, but when the doorbell rang I had a hard time getting my legs to work. I think the blood stopped flowing. I hadn't made it to my feet when Alice, Rosalie and Emmett came busting into the room. I was surprised they rang the doorbell, but I suppose it was polite.

Rosalie took one look at me and buried her head in Emmett's chest. Emmett tucked his face into her blonde hair and took a deep calming breath. I don't think he dared look at me. Alice was the tough one. She walked over to the table and picked the note up.

"Have you read it," she asked.

I managed to shake my head.

"Then I will," she said.

_Dear Edward,_

_The last few days have meant more to me than you will ever know, but...and there is that fateful word, but...I think it always comes down to that...but... I just can't take the chance that this will end badly. It took me five years to get over it the first time. If I let myself fall any deeper, I don't think I would ever recover. I'm sure it would only be a matter of time before you decide to move on to something better. _

_Stay in the house. I'll probably change the deed over to your name anyway. You deserve it. You actually knew my mama better than me. If I never thanked you properly for being her friend than please accept this as my heart felt thanks for being there for my mother when I was not. _

_Jasper_

"He's a fucking coward," Alice growled and crumpled the note, dropping it on the floor. She got down on her knees, taking my face in her hands. "We're here for you Edward."

I tried to concentrate on breathing but I failed. My chest constricted and soon I was sobbing.

He left me...

I suppose it was a proper pay back because I don't think he was expecting me to leave him the way I did five years ago at that stupid party.

**Present Day **

**Forks, Washington soon to be Chicago, Illinois **

**Jasper**

I had packed what I came with, not wanting to take anything else. The break needed to be clean and swift and final. I didn't need any more baggage than I already had weighing me down. It was hard not to take Mama's photo album, but the pictures would only haunt me.

I boarded the airplane, quickly finding my seat. I didn't want to think about my decision or what effect it would have on the people I was leaving behind. It was done. I called James and gave him my flight information.

When the plane lifted off the ground I figured Edward would be coming home and finding my note. I'm sure he would understand and in the long run, he would see that it was for the best.

The trip back to Chicago was not like my trip to Forks. There was no helpful words from the person who sat next to me. This time I was seated next to an asshole business man who clicked away on his phone the entire trip. I wanted to smash it and I probably would have done just that but I was able to drink my way into oblivion.

I stumbled off the plane, apologizing as I ran into people. Most people scowled at me and told me to get the fuck away from them. I didn't blame them. God I was so fucked up, but at least I was numb.

Thankfully, James found me and hauled me out to the car, driving us home. He didn't say one word the entire drive. When he pulled into the parking ramp and stopped the car, I thought he was going to say something to me, but instead he got out, took my bag and disappeared into the apartment building. It took me fifteen minutes to make it up to our door. I tripped over the door jamb and fell over the coffee table.

"Fuck," I growled as I did a face plant into the carpet.

"You gonna tell me what the hell you are doing here," James snapped.

"Good to see you too, honey," I jeered.

"Look Jasper, Alice called. She would appreciate it if you would call her back."

I sat up and laid my head on the coffee table, turning to stare at him.

"Sorry about getting you sucked into the drama," I snorted. I wondered how Alice got James' phone number, but she was like Houdini or something.

James reached under the couch and pulled out the tray, grabbing a joint, lighting it and handing it to me. I closed my eyes and took a long drag.

"You can talk to me when you're ready," he said and left the room.

I disappeared into the smoke...for two days and then I hit the clubs. I was welcomed back with open arms and lips and legs, but I wasn't feeling any of that shit and I didn't bring anyone home or let anyone touch me. Everyone was confused as hell, but I kept telling them I needed some space to recover. James said I was still mourning my mama.

One night, or early morning, however you want to look at it, some guy had talked me into going into the bathroom with him. He tried to kiss me and I punched him in the face. Luckily James was able to smooth over the situation by offering up a body shot. The guy was more than happy to take him up on his offer.

I had almost caved and let some dude named Erik jack me off, but James yanked me away before the guy shoved his hand down my pants.

"We're out of here," he shouted, dragging me out of the bar.

He grumbled and growled the entire trip back to the apartment. When the door slammed shut, James shoved me up against the wall.

"Fuck Jasper, I can't take this shit anymore. Is this what you want," James said and pulled me into a sizzling kiss.

I felt nothing and it hurt...everywhere. I shoved him off me. He looked like he was going to punch me in the face. God knows I deserved it.

"Why didn't you tell me you were back with him," he spat.

"Fuck you, James" I hissed. "I need a fucking drink or a joint."

"You've had enough," he hissed.

"You wanna know why I fucking left him. I couldn't handle it. It was too good. Everything I ever wanted was spread out in front of me, but it would only be a matter of time before he left me again and James, I can't go down that road again. I'd never find my way out."

"Fuck, Jasper. I think you're wrong," he said. "You're just a fucking coward."

"What the fuck, the bastard pulled away from me," I shouted.

"What the hell does that mean?"

"We were out at a restaurant and I touched his hand in public and he..he..pulled away from me when the waitress...Fuck."

"Did you ask him about it?"

"What the fuck for?"

"Oh, for Chrissakes. Ya know Jaz, I used to think Edward was the stupidest fuck on the planet for giving you up, but ya know, you win that title. I cannot believe you left him for that!"

"Fuck off," I said standing up. "You don't know anything about my relationship with Edward."

"Yeah, well, fuck you," he hissed, tossing my phone across the table. It was open to that picture Alice took of Edward and I on Mama's kitchen floor. "This is all I need to see. You're a dumb fuck, Jasper Hale. Go home. You don't belong here and I can't take your whining anymore. Fucking hell, grow a pair and admit you love that boy. Just fucking go home."

There was that dreaded word again...home.

"Home," I squeaked.

"Oh and this came for you," he said and shoved a letter into my face. "Figure it out Jasper."

James had never lectured me before. He always stayed in the background, supporting my choices even if he thought they were stupid. This was the first time he voiced his opinion. I growled and ripped the letter open. My mother's handwriting glared up at me and I dropped to my knees, crawling into my bedroom.

_Dear Jasper, _

_Oh my darling baby boy...this was not the letter I wanted you to be reading. I held out hope that you two would be able to find your love again. Personally, I never believed either of you lost it, but even though it is hard for me to admit, I can sometimes be wrong. So with that, I beg you to not give up on finding love. You found it once and I firmly believe you will find it again. Please don't shut down. Be willing to open up and give someone a chance. I know it's hard for you, but like I said before, don't give up. Find where you belong, Jasper. You deserve it and you are worth it. _

_I love you always, _

_Mama_

I curled up in my bed and passed out, not moving until the bright sunlight was glaring in my face. I rolled out of bed staring down at the crumpled letter from Mama again. I dug through my bag and pulled out my last pair of clean jeans. Wasn't it ironic that I hadn't unpacked. Maybe this wasn't my home after all.

"Oh fuck," I groaned as I struggled to pull the jeans up.

These were Edward's jeans, but it was either these or something dirty. They were a little tight and a bit long, but they would have to do. I found my wallet and shoved it in the back pocket. I grabbed my phone and was about to put it in the front pocket when I felt something bunching up int the pocket. I pulled out a piece of paper. What the fuck? Was the universe against me? I unfurled the paper, smoothing it out and stared at Edward's writing. It was a to do list dated the day before I left him.

_Grocery Store_

_Oil change_

_Jasper's Ring Size_

_Paint chip samples for kitchen_

What the fuck? Jasper's ring size?

* * *

**Fuck...I know...but hang in there. Remember we did vote on a happy ever after...and there's only one chapter and the epilogue remaining, which I hope to have by this weekend...if I don't party too much...bwahahahaha...my birthday is sandwiched in there too so give me a break if I don't get the chapter up on time...OOooh and let's not forget that it was Jackson's birthday earlier this week too...Lots of partying for the Holidays...Although I'm still waiting for Santa to leave Jackson or Rob under my Tree. Songs for this Chapter...Hey Ya by the Goo Goo Dolls, Smoke & Mirrors by Lifehouse, Call Me by Shinedown and Best I Ever Had)grey Sky Morning) by Vertical Horizon...**

**Let me say it again...thanks to all who made my phone chime last chapter...I lurve you all...I'm outta here! XoX Drizl **


	25. Chapter 25

**Surprise...and Happy Birthday to me...did you know that I share my birthday with Lord fucking Voldemort...WTF...anyways...in order to fully enjoy the emotional echo of this chapter you should think about listening to some of the music I used while writing (and I apologize in advance for including the lyrics to some of the songs in the text but I did, so you have been warned)...of course, When the Night Comes by Dan Auerbach, Home by Daughtry, Your Arms Feel Like Home by 3 Doors Down and the last two Here by Me by 3 Doors Down and the final killer track...I mean it. If you've never listened to this song...Come Home by OneRepublic and Sara Bareilles...just one fuck-awesome tune...I really hope you enjoy this chapter...Let's read peeps...**

**

* * *

**

**When the Night Comes **

**Chapter 24**

_These were Edward's jeans, but it was either these or something dirty. They were a little tight and a bit long, but they would have to do. I found my wallet and shoved it in the back pocket. I grabbed my phone and was about to put it in the front pocket when I felt something bunching up int the pocket. I pulled out a piece of paper. What the fuck? Was the universe against me? I unfurled the paper, smoothing it out and stared at Edward's writing. It was a to do list dated the day before I left him._

_**Grocery Store**_

_**Oil change**_

_**Jasper's Ring Size**_

_**Paint chip samples for kitchen**_

_What the fuck? Jasper's ring size?_

**Present Day**

**Chicago, Illinois **

My eyes would not shift away from those three words. Jasper's ring size...he wanted my ring size...fucking hell.

I was surprised I was still managing to breathe, because I certainly couldn't stand up anymore. The room started spinning and I sat down hard on the floor, crawling over to my bed and curling into a tight ball.

What was I supposed to do now? God James was right. I was fucking stupid. I jumped to a conclusion without talking and as usual, I was wrong. Or at least I think I was wrong, I mean why else would Edward want to know my ring size. You didn't need someone's ring size unless you were thinking about buying a ring.

"James," I shouted. "James!"

"Fucking hell, quit yelling," he said as he staggered into my room. "I've got the hangover from hell. So what are you screeching about?"

I thrust the note into his face. He looked at the crumpled piece of paper and his eyes widened when he reached the infamous three words.

"Where did you get this," he asked.

"These are Edward's pants. I must have packed them by mistake. I don't know what to do."

"Fuck, Jasper, are you crazy. You have to go back to Forks," he said.

"Back to Forks?"

He grabbed my arms. "Do you love the boy?"

"I..I..."

"Quit using your fucking brain. It doesn't seem to work right. What do you feel here," he asked as he palmed my cock.

"Christ, James," I squeaked.

"Sorry I couldn't resist, but seriously, what do you feel here?"

This time he placed his hand over my heart. The heat from his hand burned and I could feel every beat as I thought about Edward.

"I love him,"I murmured

"Is he worth it?"

"Always."

"Then go home, Jasper."

"Come with me," I pleaded. "I don't think I can do this alone. I know it's a lot to ask but..."

"You want me to come to Forks with you?"

"Well yeah, I need someone to hold my hand. You know everyone is going to be pissed as hell at me for running off again and Edward might not want me back. I mean, I am a stupid fuck."

"True and if things go badly, I can pick up the pieces and help ease his pain," James sighed.

"Ease his pain...you're my friend. I thought you would ease my pain," I sniped.

"Notice the word friend. I'll pat you on the head and tell you everything will be okay. Besides, I've seen pictures of Edward and...fuck, Jasper, do I have to spell it out for you? If he wants my comfort, he's got it."

"Maybe I shouldn't take you home with me."

Home. I just referred to Forks as home or maybe I was talking about Edward.

"I won't touch unless it's offered up baby. You know me that well," James said, smirking at me.

"So you'll come back with me then," I asked, sounding hopeful.

"Yeah, let me make some calls and get things settled at work."

"James," I grabbed his arm to stop him from leaving. "Thanks, I mean it. You've put up with my shit for the past year and I appreciate it, man."

He nodded, gave my forearm a squeeze and left the room. I glanced down at the list again, tracing the letters of those three words again.

Two days later, James and I are were stuffed in a taxi, heading to the airport and I felt like I was going to throw up. My knee was bouncing like I was amped on caffeine and I kept running my hands through my hair. If I kept it up, I'd be bald by the time we boarded the plane.

"Jasper, calm down will ya! You're freaking on me," James snapped.

"Sorry," I muttered. "I'm fucking nervous."

"Really, like I couldn't figure that out. Fuck."

"Sorry," I repeated.

"Did you call anyone to let them know you're coming back," James asked.

I shook my head and James stared at me like I was bat shit crazy. "I didn't know what to say."

"Fuck Jasper, what have I gotten myself into. You better have a full liquor cabinet and possibly a joint or two available to me," he snorted.

When we finally boarded the plane two hours late, I had chewed my fingernails to a bloody mess and had worn a hole in the terminal carpet.

James successfully ignored me until we were seated and in the air. He signaled for a couple drinks and furrowed his brow at me.

"Jasper, if you don't chill out, I'm going to fucking punch you in the that pretty face and knock you the fuck out."

The flight attendant set one drink on his tray and the other on mine, which James immediately snatched away, slamming it down before I could protest. I was about to grab for the other but he cracked his knuckles and gave me a crazy look. I sank down in my seat and stared at the no smoking sign.

I tried to put my mind to rest but it kept jumping around and asking me disturbing questions like did I really know what the fuck I was doing? Did I deserve Edward? What if Edward was gone? For all I know, he could have packed his shit up and hit the soggy trail. And even if I did get to talk to Edward, I still had Alice and Rosalie to deal with. Alice was going to string me up by my balls and Rosalie was going to flay me and leave me to rot. What the hell was I thinking when I decided to come back to Forks. All it meant for me was certain death. All these horrible thoughts and more kept swirling around in my mind. I shut my eyes and tried to sleep. Eventually everything in my mind stilled and the next thing I knew James was smacking my knee, trying to get me to wake up.

"Wake up blondie, we're home," James snickered.

"I changed my mind. Let's go back to Chicago," I muttered as we collected our bags.

"So, bright and mighty one, how are we getting to your house?"

"Uh, fuck."

I hadn't thought that far ahead. Emmett picked me up the last time, but I don't think he would appreciate a call this late at night. He probably wouldn't be too thrilled it was me calling him either.

"Jasper?"

Some girl tapped me on my shoulder. "Jasper Hale?"

"Er yeah, do I know you?"

"We went to school together. I'm Angela...Angela Weber."

"Oh right, hi," I said.

"I overheard you talking about not having a car. I can give you a ride," Angela said as she pushed her glasses up her nose.

"Really, that would be great," I said.

"Oh, and I'm sorry about your mother, Jasper," she said softly.

"Thanks, Angela. Uh, this is a good friend of mine, James. And thanks again," I said as I pulled my suitcase off the luggage carousel.

We made small talk on the drive into Forks. James and I thanked her profusely for her kindness when she dropped us at my house. She gave me a quick hug and kiss on the cheek and then drove away, leaving James and I standing in my driveway.

The house was dark and I said a short prayer that my key would still work. Although the place was technically mine, they could have decided to change the locks. I slipped the key in and held my breath, sighing when it clicked and the door swung open. I warily stepped into the entry way. My chest constricted and my throat closed up. James placed his hand on my shoulder and I collapsed back into him.

"You okay man," he asked.

"Yeah, not really...no."

"I can't pretend to understand any of this shit, but I'm here for you," he said as we walked into the kitchen.

"Fuck," I hissed. The vase with the flowers I had left on the table was still there, holding the now dead blossoms. "I'm sorry Edward," I whispered.

James yawned and I let him lean against me. "You gonna show me to a bed."

"You can sleep with me or in another bed."

"Tonight we share," he said and stumbled down the stairs.

I barely slept, tossing and turning and desperately trying not to disturb James who was sleeping soundly. I envied him. I had no idea what tomorrow would bring and I was nervous as all hell.

I finally gave up and left James to his snoring while I went upstairs to fix some coffee and see if there was anything to make for breakfast.

With coffee in hand, I sat and stared out into the backyard as the sun slowly came up over the horizon. I wasn't sure how to approach this day. I picked up my phone and clicked over to the photo of Edward and me on the floor.

"Fuck it," I said and dialed his number. I was trembling when the phone started ringing, but it was all for nothing because his voicemail picked up. I hung up the phone wondering where he was and why he wasn't answering. My paranoia kicked in and I started thinking he didn't answer because it was me calling or he was with someone else.

Oh that would just be stellar.

"Hey Jaz," James whispered in my ear. His arms went round my waist and he rested his chin on my shoulder.

"I tried to call him," I said.

"And?"

"No answer."

"We'll find him," James said.

"I think I'm going to go for a walk. I'll bring back some breakfast if you'd like. All we have is coffee right now."

"Coffee's fine. Could use a joint though or someone to jerk me off," James muttered as he wandered back into the kitchen.

I followed him and dug through a couple drawers in the kitchen before I found what I was looking for. Thankfully, there was still some left. I tossed him the final rolled joint along with a lighter. He grinned at me and lit up. We sat in silence smoking.

"I'll be back in a little bit," I said as I slipped my jacket on.

"Take your time," James said. "Since all I got was the joint, I'll have to take care of my other problem myself."

I rolled my eyes as he wiggled his hips and ran his fingers around the waistband of his pants.

"Make yourself at home," I replied easing out the front door.

I walked for a long time, thinking about everything that had happened since Mama left me. I was a bit surprised when I found myself staring at her grave marker.

"Mama, I know you aren't really here. I'm sure you're hanging out some place much cooler, but I didn't know where else to come. I fucked up again. I left him because I freaked out and instead of talking to him, I ran away. Fuck, I wish you were here to help me figure this out."

I'm not sure what I was expecting to happen but the only thing that was going on here was the wind had picked up and the drizzle was turning to real rain.

"I know you're pissed at me but this isn't helping Mama. I'm just getting wet," I grumped.

"Jasper," a voice floated through the air. I turned around and saw Alice walking toward me carrying a small bouquet of flowers. "What are you doing here?"

She was clutching the stems so tightly I thought they were going to turn to mush. I braced myself for the onslaught of questions, cursing and possibly a slap across the face.

"Hi," I said timidly.

"You left," she said.

"Yep, but I came back," I snarked.

"Why are you here," she asked.

"I forgot something," I said.

"Fuck you, Jasper," she hissed and turned away from me, setting the flowers on the stone. "Susan please give me the strength not to kill him."

"Look, I have no excuse, but I need to talk to him."

"No," she snapped.

"What do you mean no. I need to talk to him," I growled.

"I said no. I'm not telling you where he is. For the longest time I thought you deserved better than him, but I was wrong. It's him that deserves better."

Before I could respond to her bitter words, she had gotten into her car and driven away.

Fuck, maybe she had a point. What the fuck was I doing here? He was probably better off without me,

"Ah fuck," I mumbled and pulled my hood up.

I absently lifted my shirt, letting my fingers drift across the letters of my tattoo. I didn't want to be lost anymore. I wanted to be found and know where I stood, good or bad. I just needed to hear it from him this time. I would accept whatever he chose.

The wind blew and I looked to the gray sky, letting the rain fall on my face. Something about the way the water felt on my skin brought a memory flooding into my mind.

**Five Years Ago**

**Forks, Washington **

The smell of spring filled the air. Ya know that one day where it's still winter but the wind blows and teases you with the scent of what's to come.

We had a two day break from school and I wanted to get away from everything. Emmett, Rosalie and Mama were heading to Texas for the long weekend. Mama's best friend was getting married and they were going back for the wedding. I was lost in thought of my weekend alone until I heard someone screaming my name.

"Jaz, hey Jaz, fucking hell, wait up," Edward shouted from across the school parking lot.

He raced up behind me, jumping on my back so I was giving him a piggy-back ride. The boy was lucky I was strong and even though I was pissed at him, I decided not to drop him on his skinny ass. I know I was being a big fucking baby, but we hadn't been alone in a week. Bella had been monopolizing his time and she was taking him away this weekend too. I was acting like a jealous er, boyfriend, and it distrubed me. I knew the score when I started this shit with Edward. We were only, whatever the fuck we were, when the night came and the night hadn't come for a long fucking time.

"What's on for the weekend," Edward said, jumping off my back and punching me in the arm.

"I thought you and Bella were heading out of town," I sneered.

"Plans have changed my friend. Charlie is dragging Bella to some family thing in Portland."

"Oh," I said trying to keep my excitement and my dick in check.

"Can I come over? Just hang out with you for the weekend. I'll even cook dinner for you, Breakfast too, if ya want," he said offering up that stupid crooked grin of his that always made the blood rush down to my cock.

"Please Jaz, it'll be fun," he was running around me like a fucking over-excited three year old.

"Fine," I agreed mainly to get him to settle down.

"Great, I'll pick up everything we'll need. Uh, what time is everyone clearing out of your house?"

"They're supposed to leave right after school, so soon. I need to get home and say goodbye. I'll see ya later Edward."

I had to stop myself from leaning in and placing a kiss on those red lips of his. He smirked and winked.

Not helping the problem in my groin.

I watched Edward drive away. Emmett pulled up beside me, honking the horn and yelling at me to get my ass into the jeep. I happily complied.

"So, what are you and Cullen gonna do this weekend," he asked.

"Probably nothing much," I said.

"Right, you guys have the house to yourself and I heard Bella will be gone too. Perfect opportunity..."

"What?"

I tried to rearrange my face so I didn't look horrified at his statement.

I was absolutely sure I had not heard Emmett correctly. I probably misinterpreted his meaning, but when I met his gaze he waggled his eyebrows and winked. Holy fuck, I think Emmett knew about me and Edward.

"Just, ya know, have a good time, but be safe," Emmett said.

I rolled my window down, sticking my head out for some much needed air.

"Shut up, McCarty, we are not having this conversation," I said tightly. My throat was really dry and scratchy at the moment.

"What? It's cute," he chuckled.

"Fuck you, Em," I growled.

Edward would lose his shit if he heard Emmett talking like that.

When we arrived at my house, Rosalie and Mama were standing on the porch with their bags. Rosalie started in on Emmett right away, chirping about being late for the airport. I asked once again if they wanted me to drive them, but they said everything was covered. I shrugged my shoulders and helped carry the bags to Emmett's Jeep.

Mama kissed me goodbye and Rosalie pinched my arm. Emmett winked at me, leaning in to tell me to have a great time. I wanted to smack that silly grin off his face. To say I was happy and relieved when they pulled away was an understatement.

"Freedom!" I shouted and punched the air.

Edward showed up about an hour later carrying a bag, overflowing with groceries and other shit that he wouldn't let me look at. I pouted, but he leaned in to steal a kiss and I forgot why I was pouting. The bag of groceries were quickly disgarded when his tongue probed my mouth and I leaned into him, shamelessly thrusting my hard-on against his thigh.

"Touch me, Edward, please," I begged.

He groaned and let his hand wander down my chest, squeezing my cock through my jeans. Fuck, after a week of using my hand to jack off, even that felt good. I drove my hips up yearning for more friction.

"Fuck, Jaz," Edward moaned and fastened his lips to my neck.

I slapped his hand away from my pants, quickly unzipping them and whipping my dick out. I made quick work of his jeans and grabbed his dick, fisting both our cocks. His hand came down on top of mine and we made quick work, spurting our release all over our hands. It was over in about three minutes.

We laughed and gathered up our groceries. Edward got to work on his dinner. He cooked pasta with a red sauce and meatballs. He made me set a semi-formal table in the dining room. I had no clue what he was talking about. It would have been just as good to eat sitting on the kitchen floor.

"You forgot the napkins, Jasper," Edward shouted. I dug around in the kitchen until I found some paper towels, tearing a few sheets off.

"Here," I said, thrusting a fist full of paper towels at him.

Deep lines appearaed on his forehead as he stared at me. "These are paper towels, not napkins."

"And," I said.

"And I know your mother has linen napkins. Get them please."

I glared at him for a few seconds but he cheated and placed his lips against mine as he ordered me to find some decent napkins.

It took me ten minutes to locate some white linen napkins. Who uses white linen napkins when having spaghetti?

I watched as Edward fussed with the spaghetti sauce. Apparently talking to the food made it cook faster or something.

"Open the wine," he ordered.

"Where did you get this from," I asked, driving the cork screw into the top.

"Carlisle generously let us borrow from his stash."

"I'm sure he did," I said laughing.

We started out sitting across from each other, slurping spaghetti and sipping wine, but somehow, Edward's foot found my crotch and the meal was quickly forgotten. After several minutes of his toes kneading my dick, I crawled under the table, wrenched his zipper down, grabbed his cock and licked a long stripe from root to tip.

"Oh god, Jasper," he moaned and slid down in his chair, spreading his legs wider. I teased and licked watching as Edward thrashed and cursed me for not bringing him off. It wasn't until he started begging that I let my lips close over the head of his aching cock. I bobbed with wild abandon, sucking hard and swirling my tongue until Edward was screaming my name and shooting his load into my mouth.

When we finally climbed into my bed I was exhausted We both fell asleep quickly but after less than an hour, I woke up with a start. I was having weird dreams about losing Edward. I panicked and sat straight up looking around. I smiled when I say the messy hair and all, curled up against me, snuggled into my side.

Edward's swollen lips were partially opened and I could hear gentle puffs of air expelling out of them. He shifted a bit and I felt his hand move to my hip, seemingly searching for something. He seemed slightly agitated so I lay back down and placed my hand over his. His long fingers entangled with mine and he sighed softly. Seeing him unguarded and vulnerable made my chest ache. Fucking hell, I loved this boy. How in the hell had this happened? When I came to Forks I was a guy who liked to chase skirt and have a good time. Now all I could think about was this bronze haired boy and how fucked up my life had turned out.

The rest of the weekend passed in the same fashion. We watched movies, made out in almost every room, ate, drank and sucked each other off, a lot. By Monday morning, I was fucking exhausted. I needed to go back to school to get some rest. But today was our last day in our make believe world and I wanted to make the most of it. When I woke, Edward was already upstairs and I could smell the coffee. I pulled on some sweats and went upstairs. I walked into the kitchen and Edward was sitting at the table, scowling at the newspaper. He was dressed in nothing but boxers and an old t-shirt I usually wore at the gym. He nodded at me, gesturing at the coffee pot.

I was about to pour myself a cup of coffee when my hand started to shake. I glanced over at Edward again. He had grabbed a pen and was now feverishly working on one of the puzzles. The pain clenching my heart returned with a vengenance and I felt my world crashing down around me because this right here, would never be my world. He was going to leave me and run off with Bella to lead his "normal" fucking life and leave me behind to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. How could I keep doing this?

"Hey baby," Edward said, coming up behind me. He shifted his hips and I felt his hard cock bump against my ass. "I fucking want you, Jasper," he gasped as he pushed my sweats down.

I wanted to say no, that I needed more that another fuck, but my brain shut down when a slick finger pushed into me and he was slowly bending me over the fucking counter.

"God Jaz," he breathed into my ear as I felt another finger push into me, twisting and turning until he hit my hot spot. I howled and pushed back into his hand. His fingers dug into my hip as he tried to hold me still. He added a third finger and I grabbed the edge of the counter, pushing back, trying to force his fingers deeper.

"Fuck me," I choked out.

I was lost in the sounds of our bodies coming together. The grunts and groans dropping from Edward's lips as he pounded into me were fucking hot. He'd never fucked me with such abandon, but it wasn't nearly enough. I wanted to grab my own cock but Edward had me pressed into the counter, one hand gripping the edge the other shoved up against the back splash for leverage.

"Fuck Jasper! Yes, baby, fuck...fuck," he shouted.

I knew he was close when his movements got more frantic, almost hysterical. He reached around my waist and grabbed my cock, wrapping his fingers around it and squeezing hard. He tugged once and my release filled his fist.

He slammed into me a few more times before I felt all his muscles contract and he fucking roared my name as his dick spasmed and released into my hole.

"Jesusfuckingchrist," Edward mumbled against my shoulder. "Can we go back to bed."

"Fuck yeah," I whispered.

We trudged back downstairs, cleaned up quickly and climbed back into my bed.

I sighed when his arms went round me and he pulled me up against his body. God I loved him...so much...

"What wrong," he asked, tilting his head.

"Nothing, I'm just er, worn out," I lied. Telling the tuth wasn't part of our deal. I knew he would bolt and I wasn't ready to deal with his absence from my life yet. In a few minutes, Edward was asleep. I untangled myself from him and went upstairs to get some air. My chest was tight and I struggled to catch my breath. I opened the door and stepped out on the deck, hoping the fresh air would calm me down. It was drizzling and the water felt wet, but it didn't cleanse me. I felt dirty because this wasn't right. I shouldn't have to share him. I shouldn't have to live a lie and stay hidden in the shadows of the evening. This is not going to end well and when I remember how his arms feel wrapped around me, it's all I can do to keep from crying.

**Present Day**

**Forks, Washington**

Fuck, I remember that moment I realized things were not going to end well. Was it going to be the same this time?

"Mama, I didn't like that memory. Okay well, maybe just a little," I muttered and shivered. James was probably starving and I was just fucking wet and uncomfortable. By now I'm sure the entire town of Forks knew I was back. I was surprised my cell phone hadn't started ringing off the fucking hook. Maybe Rosalie was just laying in wait to jump me.

Fuck.

I yanked my hood up, shoved my hands in my pocket and started the walk back home. I made a quick stop at the bakery, buying a variety of muffins. I'm sure James had the munchies and was starving.

"Need a ride?"

Fuck.

I looked up at a very angry Rosalie and Emmett.

"No," I waved them off. "I'm fine."

"Get in the fucking car Jasper," Rosalie shouted.

For one short second I thought about shouting fuck off and running away, but thoughts of Emmett gunning the car and running me down floated through my brain. Yep, it was turning out to be a great day. I was seriously rethinking my decision to come back to Forks. I crawled in the back seat and sank down so low I could barely see out the window. Rosalie turned and shot daggers at me. I scowled back at her, not saying a word, which was probably stupid. I'm sure it made her even more angry.

We pulled into the driveway and I jumped out, tucking my muffins under my arm and ran into the house. I should lock the fucking door.

"Is that you darling," James shouted from the kitchen.

"Yes, dear and I brought food and the firing squad."

"Oh goody," he yelled. "Death and destruction just seem to follow you."

I dumped the muffins on the table, whispering for James to behave.

Rosalie and Emmett came in the kitchen and stared at us.

"You must be the brother in law, Emmett," James said. "And you my dear, must be the beautiful twin sister. I dare say that your brother does not do you justice."

James stood, took Rosalie's hand and bowed like a total moron, but when she giggled I wanted to kiss the motherfucker's ass.

"You must be James," she said sitting down next to him. Emmett took the opportunity to steal one of my muffins.

"Coffee," I asked.

"Yes," Emmett said through a mouthful of muffin.

I brought the pot and a couple of cups to the table, pushing one toward Rosalie.

"Okay you have five seconds to talk before I reach down and pull your balls out your mouth."

"Fair enough," I mumbled. "What do you want to know."

"Why?"

She stood up and put her hands on her hips, hovering over me. I think in another life Rosalie interrogated people.

"Scared. Stupid really. Jumped to a conclusion and then didn't talk to him, but don't worry Alice has already set me in my place."

I sighed and lowered my eyes, staring at the floor.

"Where did you see Alice," Rosalie asked.

"Cemetery. I went to see Mama. I hoped she could offer up some advice, instead I got Alice and rained on and then you and Emmett."

"So why did you come back," she shouted.

"I forgot something," I answered.

"What sort of answer is that?"

"Just drop it. I'm back and I want to talk to Edward," I spit back.

"I don't know Jasper," she said, biting her lip. "He was...fuck. What do you think, Emmett?"

Christ the world was coming to an end. Rosalie was tongue-tied and deferring to Emmett. That never fucking happens.

"What?" Emmett looked up with huge eyes and a mouthful of muffin.

Rosalie glared at him and I almost burst out laughing.

"Why don't we go to Sam's tonight and talk. I'm sure we could figure it out after a few drinks," he said.

"Em's right, Sam's tonight. That's a good idea," Rosalie said.

Sam's was a bar in Port Angeles. I had no idea why the fuck would they want to drive all the way there, but if it would get them off my back for a few hours I would take it.

"Right then, we'll pick you guys up at nine," Rosalie said as she started toward the door. "Emmett, let's go."

"Nice meeting ya, James. See ya tonight," he said as he scooped another muffin out of the bag.

I finally let out a breath when I heard the front door close. "Fuck," I sighed.

"No shit," James said. "Your sister is scary."

"I can't believe we're going out tonight. What the fuck is that all about?"

"Maybe Edward will be there," James said.

James reached into his pocket and pulled out the joint we had dragged off of earlier. "Shall we light it up?"

"Fuck yeah."

We spent the rest of the day smoking and napping. Around seven we ordered a pizza and then decided to get ready to go out. I tried to call Alice again, but she didn't answer her phone.

"Ali, I'm sorry. That's all I got..."

I flopped back on my bed, flipping through Mama's photo album again.

"Hey ya," James jumped on the bed, shaking his wet hair.

"Watch the pictures," I shouted, covering the book.

"Can I see?"

I uncovered the book and put it into his hands. It was open to the picture of Edward and I under the tree.

"Fuck, you guys are beautiful and I never say that shit," James said. "Is he still not answering his phone?"

"Naw, it goes straight to voicemail now. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to talk to me."

"Hey, we'll find him and I'll make him listen to you," James said, straddling my lap, grinding a little.

"Uh huh, you do that, now get off me. Rosalie and Emmett will be here shortly."

"There better be something for me to at least look at when we go to Sam's, I'm fucking horny as hell."

"You need a boyfriend," I said as I pushed him off me.

"You offering," he teased.

"We tried that road before," I chuckled.

"I know. I just like to keep you on your toes," he said, winking at me.

"You really are fucking hot, ya know," I said.

"Yeah, but it's not enough for you," he said quietly.

"I wish it was James," I said and put my arm around his shoulders.

"Me too," he mumbled into my neck.

I heard the distinct sound of Emmett thumping around upstairs and then the shrill voice of my sister screaming my name.

"Time to go babe," I said.

We all piled in the car and took off for Port Angeles. James and Rosalie chatted about Chicago and music and in between all the niceties, they talked about what a fuck up I was. I rolled my eyes and ignored them. It kept Rosalie from asking me questions.

It was a bar. That was all I could think when we came in and found a table. I looked around, searching and hoping to know the reason we were here, but I didn't see him. Emmett pushed a beer in front of me and I gratefully accepted.

The bar was beginning to fill up so I kept my eye on the door, but he never came in. I looked up when the a light shone up on the stage.

"Is this fucking thing on?"

"Yes," the crowd shouted back. "So we'll be starting in a bit, but I just wanted you to know that our opener isn't here tonight so if anyone would like to fill before the main act, now's your chance."

"Fuck, Jaz, you should sing," James said.

I frowned and kicked him under the table. Singing was the last fucking thing I wanted to do right now.

"I don't have a guitar and I'm not singing A Cappella," I growled.

"I bet I could find ya a guitar," Emmett smirked.

"I'm not fucking singing!"

"Did I hear you say this boy could sing," a man asked. I looked closer and it was the guy who had just been at the mic.

"No," I mumbled as Rosalie was saying "Sam this is my brother Jasper and yes, he sings."

"No guitar, no singing," I growled again.

"Hey I'm sure Eddie would lend ya his guitar."

My face paled. "Eddie?"

"Yeah, c'mon kid, let's get ya hooked up."

Before I knew what the fuck was going on, Sam was dragging me across the bar and taking me behind the small stage.

"Hey Eddie," Sam called out.

I couldn't feel my legs anymore. Maybe it wasn't going to be Edward. Hey, it could be Eddie Van Halen or Eddie Munster...Eddy fucking Haskell...I couldn't think of anymore Eddie's. Someone help me out here.

"You bellowed Sam," Edward said. He froze when his green eyes met mine.

"What the fuck are you doing here. You fucking lost or something," he spat.

"Nope, I forgot something," I said quietly.

"Er, you two know each other," Sam asked.

"Not really," Edward said.

I winced as his words cut into me.

"Forget it," I mumbled and turned to leave.

"What did you need Sam," Edward asked, ignoring my retreat.

"Oh, well, Rosalie volunteered him to sing, but never mind..." Sam said.

"Let me guess, he needs a guitar."

"Er..." Sam said.

"Hale, you can use my guitar."

I turned and stared at him. "Ya know what, fuck it, I'll sing," I said as I strode over and grabbed the guitar out of his hand. My fingers brushed against his knuckles and I heard a sharp intake of breath. I closed my eyes and tried not to think about it.

Sam walked out on stage and did a quick introduction. I pulled up the stool and sat down in front of the mike, looking out at the sizable audience that had gathered.

"I'd like to first thank my sister, brother-in-law and friend for setting me up...thanks a lot you assholes," I hissed into the mike.

"Hey, I didn't know anything," James said.

"You're welcome," Emmett shouted.

"Love you baby brother," Rosalie yelled and blew some kisses.

"I hate you both," I spoke into the mike.

The crowd went crazy.

"I'm just gonna do two songs tonight and then I'll get out of your hair."

"Rock my world, blondie," James yelled.

"Always do baby."

"I'm not really feeling too great tonight so I'm gonna keep it mellow. I fucked something up...anyway, it's a long fucking story that I won't bore you with."

I plucked on the strings of the guitar and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath before I launched into _**When the Night Comes...**_

I'm not sure how I got through the song but I did and the place went fucking crazy. They finally quit fucking screaming when I tapped on the mike and whistled.

"Thanks man, I got one last depressing song and then I'm outta here," I sighed, mouthing the words 'for you Edward' and then started singing _**Here By Me...**_

_I hope you're doing fine out there without me_

_'Cause I'm not doing so good without you_

_The things I thought you'd never know about me_

_Were the things I guess you always understood _

_So how could I have been so blind for all these years_

_I guess I only see the truth through all this fear of living without you_

_And everything I have in this world_

_And all that I'll ever be_

_It could all fall down around me_

_Just as long as I have you right here by me_

_I can't take another day without you_

'_Cause baby, I could never make it on my own_

_I've been waiting so long, just to hold you_

_And to be back in your arms where I belong_

_I'm sorry I can't always find the words to say_

_But everything I've ever known gets swept away_

_Inside of your love…_

_And everything I have in this world_

_And all that I'll ever be_

_It could all fall down around me._

_Just as long as I have you,_

_Right here by me._

_As the days roll on I see_

_That time is standing still for me_

_When you're not here_

_Sorry I can't always find the words to say_

_Everything I've ever known gets swept away_

_Inside of your love_

_And everything I have in this world_

_And all that I'll ever be_

_It could all fall down around me._

_Just as long as I have you,_

_Right here by me._

_And everything I have in this world_

_And all that I'll ever be_

_It could all fall down around me._

_Just as long as I have you,_

_Right here by me._

Halfway through the fucking song, my face felt wet and I knew there were tears falling down my face, but I didn't give a fuck anymore. I had to get it out before it consumed me.

When I finished the crowd was silent. Probably didn't quite to know what to make of someone losing their shit on the stage.

"Thanks for putting up with me tonight."

I saluted them and they fucking erupted. I barely heard it. Edward was standing at the back of the stage, with one hand tucked into his hair and the other shoved into his pocket. I nodded at him and handed his guitar back.

"Thanks," I choked out, swiping at the tears staining my face.

He grabbed my wrist, stopping me from leaving. I wanted to wrench my arm free, because his fingers felt like they were scalding my skin.

"What did you mean when you said you forgot something?"

I stared into his eyes and I felt his fingers slide off my wrist. I reached up, brushing the back of my hand across his cheek.

"You, Edward, I fucking forgot you," I whispered.

A breath escaped from his red lips and I watched as his eyebrows knit together. It looked like he wanted to say something, but he brushed by me, heading out to the stage. I didn't try to stop him because he didn't owe me an explanation.

All I could do was lean against the wall. I'm surprised my legs were still holding me upright.

"Hey," I heard Edward's voice echo through the room. "I doubt I can top that performance...but I'll see what I can do. I might have a few problems holding this fucking guitar tonight because a few days ago I went and got a tattoo on my hip. Fucking hurts like a bitch when the guitar rubs against it, but I'll live..."

"Let's see it," someone shouted.

"You wouldn't understand it. It's personal," he told the audience.

"Aw, c'mon Eddie, let's see it," someone else yelled.

"Yeah," several more people agreed.

The audience started shouting tatt, tatt, tatt until Edward held up his hands and laughed.

"Alright, since ya asked nicely, but I may have to get a new one...I really don't feel lost anymore."

My eyes shot open and I looked over at him lifting his shirt up to reveal the same tattoo as I was sporting. Holy fuck...Edward had an "I'm lost" tatt on his left hip. He caught my eye and winked. Jesusfuckingchrist, Edward just winked at me.

"Jaz, I love you. I've always loved you...only you... and maybe together we can be found instead of lost."

He started singing and I got lost in the words of one of the most beautiful songs I'd ever heard in my fucking life. Maybe it was because he was singing to me. None of those other people in the audience mattered. Not once did his gaze ever leave mine.

_Hello world hope you're listening_

_Forgive me if I'm young for speaking out of turn_

_But there's someone I've been missing_

_I think that they could be the better half of me_

_They're in the wrong place trying to make it right_

_But I'm tired of justifying_

_So i say to say to you.._

_Come home, Come home_

_Cause I've been waiting for you_

_For so long, For so long_

_And right now there's a war between the vanities_

_But all i see is you and me_

_The fight for you is all I've ever known_

_So come home_

_I get lost in the beauty_

_Of everything i see_

_The world ain't as half as bad_

_As they paint it to be_

_If all the sons_

_If all the daughters_

_Stopped to take it in_

_Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin_

_It might start now..Yeah_

_Well maybe I'm just dreaming out loud_

_Until then_

_Come home, Come home_

_Cause I've been waiting for you_

_For so long, so long_

_And right now there's a war between the vanities_

_But all i see is you and me_

_The fight for you is all I've ever known_

_Ever known_

_So come home_

_Everything i can't be_

_Is everything you should be_

_And that's why i need you here_

_Everything i can't be_

_Is everything you should be_

_And that's why i need you here_

_So hear this now_

_Come home, Come home_

_Cause I've been waiting for you_

_For so long, For so long_

_And right now there's a war between the vanities_

_But all i see is you and me_

_The fight for you is all I've ever known_

_Ever known_

_So come home_

_Hello world I hope you're listening_

_forgive me if I'm _

_Speaking out of turn_

_But there's someone that I've been missing_

_and I'm thinking that they could be the better half of me_

The song ended and the crowd went crazy, but all I could see was him coming toward me. He pushed me behind the stage, shoving me up against the wall, tilting my chin and smashing his lips to mine.

"Did you mean it," he asked.

"Yeah," I said breathlessly. "Take me home, baby."

* * *

**Fuck...I'm such a fucking sap...anyways, well...here we are...I could end it here and just do the Epilogue or ... I could offer up another chapter where we see how the boys react to each other in 'ahem" private...anyone have any thoughts...Make my phone chirp and let me know...And since it's New Year's Eve and shit...I wish you all the best. Thanks for reading and to everyone who takes the time to review, please know that I read them all and appreciate them so much! Cheers to you all...I'm outta here to grab a cocktail...XoX Drizl **


	26. Chapter 26

**Well, here it is...the final chapter including the Epilogue...It's time to put this baby to bed...sniffles and grabs a kleenex...it's porn mixed with a lot of sappiness because everyone wanted the happily ever after fairy tale ending. So, with that, let's finish this up before I burst into tears. **

_

* * *

The song ended and the crowd went crazy, but all I could see was him coming toward me. He pushed me behind the stage, shoving me up against the wall, tilting my chin and smashing his lips to mine._

_"Did you mean it," he asked._

_"Yeah," I said breathlessly. "Take me home, baby."_

**Present Day**

**Forks, Washington**

"Those are the most beauiful words I have ever heard," Edward said softly, gazing directly into my eyes.

"Oh fuck, Edward, I'm so sorry about everything," I said, closing my eyes. It hurt to look into his eyes.

"No talking," Edward said.

"But...mmphf..." Edward silenced me by placing his lips against mine. This time the kiss was gentle and soft. His fingers caressed my cheek, grazing against my lips each time we took a breath. His mouth moved up my jaw to that spot right behind my ear, where he sucked and licked until I wanted to scream. My hand drifted down his biceps reaching around his waist so I could pull him closer to me. We were flush against each other and I could feel every hard line of his body pressed up against mine.

The movement made our covered cocks rub up against each other. My lust kicked into overdrive. I needed to undress him, to feel the heat from his skin, to touch him and taste him with no barriers and preferably not in a public place. I gasped and backed away, breaking contact with him. It was almost painful and I wanted to dive back into his arms and kiss him again.

"I need to get out of here before I do something crazy."

"Crazy," Edward groaned.

I leaned into him, licking the side of his neck. "I want to taste you, touch you, fuck you."

A throaty moan was all I got from him before he picked up his guitar and grabbed me by the wrist, dragging me towards a back door.

I tried to dig my heels into the floor but he wasn't having any of that. "Edward, wait. I need to..."

He turned, gripping my wrist tighter and I was met with a hard green stare. "What?"

"Uh..."

The intensity of his want bore into me and I forgot everything I was going to say. It could all wait. Nothing was as important as Edward.

"That's what I thought," Edward muttered. He pushed the door open and we made a mad dash across the parking lot. We were soaked by the time we jumped into his car. Edward started the engine, slammed the car into gear and squealed out of the parking lot. Before I lost all train of thought, I dropped James a quick text telling him that I was heading for home and that he was welcome to sleep anywhere as long as it was upstairs.

All I got back from him was a stupid smiley face.

Edward's hand touched my knee, slowly creeping up my thigh until his fingers came to rest on the buttons of my jeans. My cock jumped from the heat of his hand. He wasn't making this ride home easy, so I decided to up the ante and not play fair.

I pushed his hand off my aching cock. "You better put both hands on the steering wheel baby because the ride is going to get a bit bumpy," I growled.

Edward stiffened when I leaned forward, unzipped his pants, pushed his shorts down and took his cock out. I watched as his knuckles turned white from the force he was using to grip the steering wheel.

The heat from his hard dick burned my lips as I kissed the tip and then slid my tongue down the underside to the base. Edward shuddered when I pursed my lips, sliding up and down, coating his cock with my saliva.

"Unngghhhh, Jaz," Edward moaned, his eyes half closing.

"Keep your eyes on the road, baby," I warned.

I sucked the precome from his slit and Edward's hips thrust upward.

"Don't be doing that shit," I scolded. "Or I'm going to take my tongue and move back to my seat."

"Jasper," he whined and stilled himself. He held his breath as I licked another long slow path around his cock. I could feel the tension in his body as he fought the urge to thrust his dick into my mouth.

"Ya ready for me baby," I hissed.

"Mmmhmm," Edward strained to get the sound out.

I wrapped my hand around the base of his cock, gripping it tightly before I placed my mouth on the crown and sucked hard as I filled my mouth with him. I felt Edward's thigh muscles contract and start shaking as he tried to apply gentle pressure to the brakes of the car. He only jerked the car a little when I hummed on the down slide.

"Holy fuck, Jasper," he gasped.

"Let go Edward," I whispered. I stroked him a few times and then put my mouth back on him, flattening my tongue and taking as much of him in my mouth as I could.

"Oh god," Edward shouted and emptied his hot cum into my mouth. The car moved a little to the right and slowed. We must be in my driveway. I swallowed, sat up and grinned at Edward, watching him melt into the seat.

"Best fucking drive ever," he moaned as his head fell back against the seat rest.

He swiped his hand through his hair and sighed. His eyes were half closed, cheeks flushed and mouth slightly open. Fuck, he was a sight and I wanted to climb into his lap and fuck him into the seat of the car, but I let him catch his breath. I shoved my hand down my pants and stroked myself a few times before Edward opened his eyes.

"Save it," he said darkly, stopping my movements. I protested weakly but gave in and let Edward take my hand away from my aching dick.

It was still raining so we had to race up to the house. Fuck, Edward looked all kinds of hot with his hair wet. Rivulets of water rolled down his cheek bones and one lucky drop landed on his lips. There was no way for me to resist licking it off.

He shivered and I wasn't sure if it was from my tongue or the fact that we were both dripping wet and chilled to the bone.

He stopped, closed his eyes and leaned into me, shoving his nose against my neck. He was still shaking so I put my arms around his waist, pulling him closer to my body.

"You left," Edward sighed against my skin.

"You got a tattoo," I whispered.

"Are you leaving again?"

"That depends on you," I said.

He gripped me tighter and took a deep breath. "Jasper, I want to wake up with you in the morning and shut off the light with you in the evening."

"Then I'm not leaving."

I tried to move away so I could see his face but he clutched me harder, placing tender kisses on my neck and mumbling words I didn't understand.

"Edward, I know we've both made a lot of mistakes in our lives, but finding you again was the best thing that ever happened to me. After five years, my chest doesn't hurt anymore. It's not a lot of fun walking around with a fucking gaping hole where my heart was supposed to be. That really fucking sucked, ya know."

"We were both so stupid," Edward muttered.

"I know."

He took another deep breath, touching his forehead to mine. "I know it's probably too early or maybe it's too late but Jasper, I love you...so much. I always have. I thought it would go away, but it never did."

"It's not too late, Edward. I never stopped loving you either. I hid the love behind the hate because it was easier to keep moving. It would have buried me alive to think about what you really meant to me. I truly believed you made a life with Bella."

"That was what I wanted you to believe. Fuck, it's what I believed would happen, but..." Edward turned his head.

"You know what, let's put the past away. We can't change it, so what's the point in bringing all this shit up. We both know what happened. We lived it for five years. I think it's time to let it all go," I said.

"You sound like your mom," Edward said, giving me a smile.

"Thanks, I think that's a good thing," I said and squeezed his hand.

For a few moments we just stood in the entry way clinging to each other and kissing. I'd forgotten how much I liked to kiss him. I'd been with a lot of people in the past few years, but not one of them could kiss like Edward. He pushed at my lips with his tongue and I let my mouth fall open. He groaned and his tongue dove into my mouth.

"Bed, baby," I managed to breathe out.

"Yes," Edward hissed and gave my cock a squeeze.

I was panting when we broke apart and moved to the stairs.

"Can I just ask one thing," Edward said quietly.

"Edward you can ask me anything. I'm not keeping secrets anymore."

"What made you come back?" His face flushed and he ran his fingers through his hair.

I chuckled and pulled him into my bedroom. I motioned for him to sit on the bed while I rummaged through my bag looking for his pants.

"Hey, those are my jeans," he said when I dropped the pants into his lap.

"Yeah, and imagine my surprise when I dug in the pockets and found this," I said, reaching into my front pocket and pulling out a crumpled piece of paper. I knelt in front of Edward and handed him the note. He carefully smoothed it out. His breathing hitched and he looked down at me.

"But this doesn't explain why," he choked out.

"I finally realized that you love me," I said.

"But you read my journals and...it doesn't matter," he whispered and then reached into his t-shirt and tugged on a chain, bringing it out from under the fabric. A platinum band dangled in front of my nose. Now it was my turn to stop breathing.

Edward unhooked the chain and let the ring fall into his hand before he encased it in his fist. The chain dropped to the floor next to my leg.

"Jaz," he said as he slid off the bed to his knees. The heat radiating from our bodies made me forget the uncomfortable wet clothes we were still wearing. "Jasper, I'll never walk away again. I can't breathe without you. I don't need marriage or anything too conventional. I never was one for normalcy, but I would like you to wear this ring as a sign of my love for you and only you."

"I don't have anything for you," I whispered.

"You came back for me," he said. "Does that mean, you'll wear it?"

"Fuck Edward," I said closing my fingers around the hand that held my ring captive. "Yes."

His smile lit up the entire fucking room when he opened his hand, grabbed mine and slid that ring home. The room heated up and all I could think was that sometimes fucking fairy tales really do come true and I was finally home. It took me five fucking years to find it and now that I had it in the palm of my hand, I was never going to let it go.

"Jaz, make me yours," Edward moaned against my throat.

"Fuck, Edward, I love you," I said as I crashed my lips to his. I was overwhelmed with passion and lust and five fucking years of stored up love. It exploded out of me and I couldn't contain myself. I needed to feel him, to claim him.

"Jasper," Edward hissed and bit into my shoulder.

I always thought moments like this were meant to be soft and gentle but there would be other nights for that kind of loving. Right now the animal in me was loose and Edward was my prey. Like Edward said, he wasn't about normalcy and neither was I, and that was okay. As a matter of fact, it was fucking perfect.

I grabbed the collar of his shirt, pulling him to his feet, shoving him back on my bed. I tumbled on top of him and we heard the ripping of fabric. Edward growled when I tore the shirt from his body, exposing his chest to me. I hovered over him, letting my eyes roam over his body until I saw the tattoo. God I wanted to lick it, but it was still red so I left it alone. I latched onto his hipbone, sucking hard until I saw the skin blossom purple. Satisfied with my work, I moved away and ran my finger around the reddened area, watching as Edward writhed below me.

"I can't believe we have matching tattoos," I groaned.

"Jasper, please," Edward whined and shoved his knee between my thighs.

I slid my hand between us until I reached the button on his jeans. I popped it and lowered the zipper, yanking on the waistband until Edward raised his hips and the jeans fell away from his body. His underwear soon joined the jeans on the floor.

I rose up on my knees, disgarding my shirt and undoing my pants. When I was stripped bare, I straddled his thighs letting our cocks touch.

"Please Jasper...I can't take it anymore," Edward begged. "I'm fucking ready. Fill me, please!"

He sounded almost frantic and before I knew what the hell was happening, Edward flipped me on my back, grabbed my dick with his lube slicked hands and started to sink down. Where they hell had he found lube? We both screamed when I breached the ring of muscle, sliding slowly into him.

"Slow down baby," I hissed.

"Can't," Edward grunted and pushed harder, taking more of my cock into his hole. The heat and tightness of him threatened to overwhelm me and make me come before we even got started. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on something that would slow down the fire that was threatening to engulf my body. Of course, Edward was in no mood to take things slow and he started to roll his hips, moving up and down on my shaft. The friction was sending all sorts of electrical sparks through my body.

There was no use, I wasn't going to last so I decided to let the feelings overtake me. I gripped his thighs and started chanting his name. He reached down, lacing his fingers with my left hand and when I felt him touch my ring, I couldn't hold back.

"I love you," I shouted.

"Oh fuck," Edward screamed as he fisted his cock. He clenched every single muscle in his body when he shot hot come all over my stomach and chest. I may have saw a few hundred shooting stars when Edward's hole spasmed, creating so much pressure that I think I blacked out when I came, only to be roused moments later by Edward nibbling on my lips.

He rolled off me, reaching for some tissues to clean us up.

"I can't move," I muttered into his hair when he snuggled into my neck.

"This is where you belong," he mumbled.

"I know," I whispered as my eyes fell shut and I surrended to sleep, happy and content in the knowledge that I was really home.

The smell of coffee and food woke me up. At first I thought it was Edward but he was still wrapped around me. This was definitely a good way to wake up, but I needed to see who was up in the kitchen. Slowly and carefully, I untangled from Edward. He sighed and grabbed my pillow, hugging it to his body before his breathing evened out again. I stroked his hair a few times, feeling happier than any person has a right to feel.

I pulled some pants on and headed up stairs.

"Good morning sunshine," James said cheerfully. He was standing at the stove, flipping eggs and holding on to a really nice looking guy who was perched on my counter.

"Hi Jasper," the guy said. I looked closer at him, but I wasn't sure if I was supposed to know him or if James had told him who I was. "I'm Riley."

"Oh yeah, you went to Forks High," I said as I recognized the guy.

"Sit down," James said.

"Who are you," I asked staring at James as he filled my coffee cup.

"I met a boy," he snickered.

"I see that," I said, rolling my eyes. I'd never seen James act like this before. He was bright eyed and smiling and frankly, it sort of scared the shit out of me. We were never this happy, maybe the world was fucking ending.

My coffee cup was almost to my lips when James grinned and whistled.

"What now?"

"Nice hardware," James said. "You're gonna have to tell me about that, but first eat."

I sat down and James brought me a plate filled with scrambled eggs, bacon and Riley added a couple pieces of toast. Before I could bite into it, Edward stumbled upstairs and stopped when he saw James and Riley.

"Are you hungry," James asked.

"Uh yeah," Edward stuttered and looked at me.

"James this is Edward," I said.

"It's nice to finally meet you," James said holding out his hand. "Sorry Jaz was so stupid."

Edward laughed and shook his hand. "Thanks for being his friend."

"Well, sit down and I'll make you some breakfast," James said. Riley handed Edward a cup of coffee.

"Riley, what are you doing here," Edward asked.

"Oh, well," he shrugged and looked over at James.

"He met a boy," I whispered and Riley blushed.

"Hey, I smell food," Emmett yelled as he opened the front door.

"You're in trouble," I said to James. "I hope we have enough food."

"Hello boys," Emmett boomed. "I'm starving."

He was followed by Rosalie and Alice who immediately went over to James and gave him a hug. He winked at her and handed her a cup of coffee.

"Did you find what you forgot," Alice asked me.

"Yep," I said as I laced my fingers through Edward's.

"And you're not going to run off again," Rosalie asked.

"Nope," I said grinning at Edward.

"And Edward, you're okay with all this," Alice asked.

"Yep, he's mine now," Edward said, raising my hand a little so they could see the ring.

Rosalie's eyes widened and Alice squealed, rushing over to us. I suddenly had a lap full of Alice hugging me and kissing Edward on the cheek.

"It's about time you assholes figured it out," she said. "That reminds me."

She climbed off my lap and disappeared, coming back carrying her purse. She was digging and finally seemed to find what she needed. She thrust a letter into my hand. No names were on the front but I knew it had to be from my mother again. I took a deep breath and ripped it open. I unfolded the letter and set it on the table.

_Dear Jasper and Edward, _

_Welcome Home_

_Love,_

_Mama_

I swallowed thickly and looked down at the floor. Edward cleared his throat and pulled me into a hug. Emmett thumped me on the back and Alice wrapped her arms around my waist, laying her head against my back. Rosalie's eyes glistened with tears as she mouthed the words 'I love you.'

"Back at you," I said to her.

"Who wants breakfast," James shouted and the kitchen came alive with conversation and laughter.

I truly was home.

**Fin...**

**

* * *

**

**Epilogue**

"Jeezus, Jasper hurry the fuck up," Rosalie shouted. "Edward just called and she's close."

"I can't find the bag," I screamed.

"I have it, you moron, now let's go!" Rosalie stamped her foot and threatened me with bodily harm if I didn't move right now. I flipped her the keys, because I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to drive down the driveway without crashing into a bush or worse, another car. She muttered something and dragged me out the door, shoving me into the car.

I leaned my face against the window and watched the rain drip down the glass. I twisted the ring on my finger and sighed. It had been almost four years since Edward placed the ring on my finger and asked me to be his. My phone rang interrupting my calm thoughts. I answered it and Emmett was shouting in my ear that we were going to miss it if we didn't get there, like now. Rosalie floored it and the car, along with my stomach, lurched forward.

"I can't do this," I said. Panic was rising up in my throat and I felt like I had the first day I came back to Forks. I wanted to jump out of the car and lose my lunch, but Rosalie didn't slow down.

"It's a little late for that," she said and laughed loudly as we pulled into the hospital parking lot. I could see Emmett by the front door, pacing and staring at his phone.

"Hey baby," Rosalie shouted and waved at him. He came barreling down the drive, shouting at me about being an inconsiderate bastard.

"I was at work," I yelled back. "And she's early!"

We created quite a commotion as we bolted through the doors of the hospital. Luckily, Carlisle was there to meet us and assure everyone we were not a crazed bunch of lunatics. We followed him to the room and he let is in. Rosalie had to push me into the room, but everything calmed when I was met by bright green eyes and a radiant smile.

"Fuck, Jaz, it's about time," Alice shouted.

"Language," Emmett said, making us all burst out laughing.

Edward held out his hand for me and pulled me up to the bed just as the doctor told Alice to push. In the next few seconds, the cries of a baby filled the room. A nurse asked if I wanted to cut the cord, but I was too freaked to move. Edward held my hand and we both cut the cord. I heard people talking and the baby was still crying, but I couldn't focus on anything.

"Jaz, are you okay," Edward whispered in my ear.

"What?"

Someone was nudging me and asking me if I wanted to hold my daughter. Daughter? We had a daughter.

"Edward, we have a kid," I said.

"Yes, we do," he said. "And I think you should hold her."

"You go first," I said.

"Are you sure," he asked.

"She's yours too," I said.

I stepped away from Edward and he sat down in the rocking chair. The nurse handed him the little pink bundle and he sighed, softly talking to our new daughter. I turned to Alice and when she grinned at me, I was able to let out the breath I had been holding.

"Hi," I said, taking her hand. "Sorry I almost missed it."

"I was afraid you bolted," she said grinning.

"Nah, this is my home," I said.

"She's beautiful," Alice said.

"Thanks doesn't even begin to cover it," I said leaning in to kiss her on the cheek.

"Edward and I named her," she said.

"Yeah...and," I said.

Edward was standing next to me with our daughter. "I'd like you to meet Carlie Susan Cullen-Hale."

Edward placed her in my arms and moved the blanket off her face. She had a few wisps of blonde hair and the brightest blue eyes I'd ever seen. "Oh my fuck, Edward," I gasped.

"Yes, I know," he whispered and kissed me on the cheek.

I was bowled over with emotions and had to hand Carlie back to Edward before I dropped her. My legs were shaking and my vision was blurry. I didn't know what to say to anyone. Alice smiled at me and patted my hand.

"Everything will be okay, Daddy," Alice said.

As always, Alice was right. Everything was okay...no it was better than okay, it was perfect. I would never be able to repay Alice for what she gave us, but she said it's what families did for each other. We got to take Carlie home the next day and as Edward was strapping her in to her car seat, emotions over took me again and once again, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't believe this is where I ended up.

"Edward I need to stop and see Mama," I choked.

He nodded and got in the car, driving us over to the cemetery. When he stopped the car, I took a few deep breaths and got out.

"Could you give me a few minutes and then bring Carlie," I asked.

"Yeah, just wave when you're ready for us."

It was a rare clear day and the sun warmed me as I walked to mama's grave. I twisted my ring again, smiling as I thought how far Edward and I had come. We had changed so much since high school and not even in my wildest fantasies would I have ever dreamed that this would be my life. It was still early in our journey, but with Edward by my side, I know the trip will be worth it.

Like Mama said, no one is ever promised tomorrow, but my today was pretty fucking sweet.

I sighed and knelt down by the grave marker. "Hi Mama. I know you're not here, but I have something for you."

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a letter and a very worn, creased picture of two young boys lost in their own world.

I set the letter on the stone, along with the picture and took out my lighter.

"Mama, I'm here today because of you. You believed in me and let me make my mistakes. I know you wanted to strangle me and try shake some sense into me, but you always said I needed to find my own way home. I finally did. I only wish you were here to share it with me."

I cleared me throat and lit the paper and picture, watching as the flames danced across the stone. The wind blew and the ashes took flight, bringing our words up to her.

"I love you Mama and now I want you to meet someone."

I stood up and waved at Edward. He already had Carlie out of the car and was walking toward me.

"Hi," he said softly.

"Hi," I answered.

"May I," he said.

I nodded and tried to keep the tears at bay, but I was fighting a losing battle.

"Susan, I would like you to meet our daughter, your granddaughter, Carlie Susan Cullen-Hale."

The wind blew again and the final ashes from the letter and picture danced up into the bright blue sky.

Carlie squealed loudly and Edward laughed.

"God I love you," I said.

"Let's go home,"Edward said.

"Best idea ever."

**_The letter..._**

_Dear Mama,_

We took your words to heart and we're living the life we want, not one that everyone thinks we should be living. Neither of us settled and because of that, we have each other.

_You were right about a lot of things and we wanted to say thank you, because we both think you did some sort of intervening on our behalf. Edward firmly believes you put his pants with the list in the pocket in my bag that night. _

_Things aren't always easy but the good stuff never is...you taught us that and we will teach that to our children. _

_We love you. _

_Always,_

_Jasper, Edward and Carlie_

**

* * *

And that's it...I can't believe the ride is over. Completing a story is always bittersweet for me. Sniffles again and grabs more tissues. I'm gonna miss these boys. Thanks to everyone who took this little journey with me. I hope you enjoyed the ride as much as I did. To everyone who took the time to review, thank you all! Like I said before, reviews are a fucking high for me and I appreciate you taking time to type in a word or two. My humble thanks to everyone who read the story. I really hope you enjoyed it. This was my first venture into slash and I hope I did it justice. I'm probably going to take a short break from writing fanfic, but I'll be back. I already have a few stories bubbling up in my head. And I'm outta here...Xox Drizl **


End file.
